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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to find DH's dinner behaviour unacceptably rude?

113 replies

ThatsOuchy · 05/03/2022 20:28

Am I being unreasonably picky, or can you please help me explain why I find this behaviour so annoying? I'm fully prepared to be told IABU, possibly I'm hormonal right now, I admit.

DH comes into kitchen whilst I am cooking (fish already in the oven, making batches of chips) and announces "I don't think I'll have any dinner tonight, I'm not hungry". So at first I am surprised (haha, husband never turns down food unless unwell!) so I ask did he have a big lunch whilst I was out or did he eat late? He says yes maybe I did eat late for lunch. I raised an eyebrow, 'cause this alone makes me a bit grumpy, based on my expectation that we normally stick to three meals a day and set an example to the kids that they have to come for dinner whether they like it or not. Don't have to eat if not hungry, just turn up to dinner as is expected.

I then proceeded to make only enough chips for me and the two kids and serve up for three of us. After we have sat down to eat, DH saunters into the kitchen and says "I think I will just have a bit of dinner after all". We had at this point barely sat down and it was less than twenty minutes since his last pronouncement. I came out with some "You can't just chop and change... there's not enough chips now" grumpiness, and then proceeded to carry on eating with the kids. He left us to it, but I know full well he will be back in the kitchen in half an hour eating the single leftover fish with his fingers, standing up, and this makes me sad and a bit cross. Why couldn't he just eat as much/little as he wanted, from a plate, with his family?

Was I wrong to be unaccommodating about it (YABU), and if not how would you explain that you feel this is a crappy way to behave?

OP posts:

CarrieHughes · 05/03/2022 20:51

YANBU.
Meals in our house are a family affair and it doesn't matter if you finished an entire hog roast by yourself 5 mins ago. You sit at the table even if you don't eat much.
What other 'erratic eating bheaviour' ..?

DisorganisedAlways · 05/03/2022 20:51

@nozbottheblue

I would have told him to put his fish on a plate and join you, you could all have given him just a couple of your chips as he wouldn’t want many, not being hungry. Then you would have all been sitting eating together which is what you wanted, isn’t it?

This is what I would have done/suggested too.

PinkSyCo · 05/03/2022 20:51

I would be annoyed if he’d changed his mind so quickly and came to inform me of this when I was just about to eat, because it would feel like he expected me to jump up and serve him something. I would not feel sad or upset if he decided to go and eat his fish -with his fingers and standing up or otherwise- in half an hours time though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

RB68 · 05/03/2022 20:53

He has been very selfish - he should have said something as soon as he got in or texted earlier you can't change your mind as someone is cooking. AND then come back as they are sitting down to eat expecting a reduced share for all. Ridiculous

There is an assumption you are there to serve - no respect for you with his this way that way attitude in my view.

TravellingFrom · 05/03/2022 20:53

In our house, if you are not that hungry, you still sit down with everyone for the meal.
Dinner is the opportunity to sit down, talk to each other, catch up with each other. Not just eating.

I’d be annoyed too.

RB68 · 05/03/2022 20:54

Also its rules he has set his kids - so he should lead by example really

TravellingFrom · 05/03/2022 20:56

I am pissed off because he's always changing his mind on whether he is on a diet or not and I'm worried that he is modelling erratic eating behaviour to my teenage daughter and younger son.

That’s even more of an issue tbh.
Not sure how you can change that :(

Ipadflowers · 05/03/2022 20:58

God I’d not be comfortable with this level of controlling behaviour round food op.,he’s hungry, he’s not he changed his mind, for you that’s one form for big deal right,,the question is why?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/03/2022 20:58

I'm surprised at the previous responses. He is an adult and knows the family sit down to eat together. He can choose to have a bit less for lunch OR at least tell you he is not hungry so don't cook him any dinner, and come and sit at the table and have a little snack or a drink or something and sit and chat with everyone, if that's what you do as a family. Its rude to say you don't want dinner after someone has started cooking it for you

MaybeSomeDay7 · 05/03/2022 21:00

I have this every night just about and it is infuriating and upsetting. Mine was upset at our eating habits when he first joined the household. Insisted we should all sit around a table and eat very early. Naturally I first told him to eff off. However, I have tried to accommodate his suggestions, once he moderated his tone. He now habitually tells me doesn't want any dinner/to eat with us and then looks upset when I don't serve him any and picks at unhealthy leftovers /chocolate in the kitchen after we've eaten. OR he cooks in a really martyred sort of way, all the while insisting he's the best cook he knows. Then he won't eat with me because the effort of cooking leaves him sick allegedly. But I catch him eating 3 hours later even though he absolutely CAN'T digest food after 1800. Grrrrrrrr.

cuno · 05/03/2022 21:01

@weeeeeeeeee

My DP does this often and it's incredibly frustrating. It's not about whether he's hungry or whether I've cooked enough chips, it's about him having control. My DP will either deliberately wait until I'm almost dishing up to tell me he's not hungry and so won't be having dinner. Or worse, he'll tell me he doesn't want dinner because he's had a big lunch, then will come home and expect dinner and then moan all night that he's had to have toast for dinner again.

Why do you put up with controlling behaviour from your partner?

rollerblind · 05/03/2022 21:03

You sound very controlling

FuckThatBullshit · 05/03/2022 21:06

What is it with all these cringy "family" threads lately? Why is everyone so bloody needy?!

TokenGinger · 05/03/2022 21:11

You're a little too regimented about meal times, to be honest.

Who cares if he goes to eat it later?

I'd find it very controlling if my partner dictated to me how many meals I should have a day, or showed grumpiness at me eating later than usual.

In this situation, when he came in and said he thinks he will after all, my response would have been, "Okay, no problem, but there's only fish available. I didn't put any chips in for you once you said you weren't eating. Maybe have it with a side of bread and butter?"

Bromse · 05/03/2022 21:11

He could make himself some chips, surely. They don't take that long.

PinkSyCo · 05/03/2022 21:12

My DP does this often and it's incredibly frustrating. It's not about whether he's hungry or whether I've cooked enough chips, it's about him having control.
My DP will either deliberately wait until I'm almost dishing up to tell me he's not hungry and so won't be having dinner. Or worse, he'll tell me he doesn't want dinner because he's had a big lunch, then will come home and expect dinner and then moan all night that he's had to have toast for dinner again.

This is nothing like OPs situation. Why do you put up with that shit? I would never cook for this man again if I were you.

NaTTate · 05/03/2022 21:16

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it's a basic courtesy if you are an adult and another person is cooking to make it clear whether you will be joining the meal before the other person has already got dinner underway - and then not to change your mind once dinner has been served. It seems like a very offhand way for him to treat the person who is making family dinner.

BOOTS52 · 05/03/2022 21:16

That would annoy me also. You did the right thing not to let him ruin your own dinner, did he expect you to give him half or to start making more chips for him. Let him eat the leftovers or make himself a sandwich. You are not been weird about this as he sounds annoying. Hope you enjoyed your dinner. Hope he cooks for you also and helps you around the house. Frustrating that he keeps changing his mind.

bellac11 · 05/03/2022 21:16

To be honest I am like this all the time, one minute Im hungry, next Im not, then I want this, then I want that, then Im too hot, then Im too cold, then I want a hot drink then I want a cold drink. I drive myself mad.

I do get annoyed when my OH walks round eating without a plate though.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 05/03/2022 21:21

Idk I understand the not being hungry/not being hungry thing having just done exactly the same thing to DP who wanted to order a take away. Luckily he knows me and ordered extra chips.

I also get not wanting to sit and watch other people eat? Forced sitting around the table making polite conversation every day is painful enough without not also eating anything.

NaTTate · 05/03/2022 21:21

Also, I think this kind of entitled & thoughtless behaviour is really poor modelling for the children to see, especially if family meals are a "thing" in your household (I appreciate that not everyone does family mealtimes or feels that they are important, but if you do then it's up to the adults of the house to take the lead on it and be consistent.

TravellingFrom · 05/03/2022 21:21

@Ipadflowers

God I’d not be comfortable with this level of controlling behaviour round food op.,he’s hungry, he’s not he changed his mind, for you that’s one form for big deal right,,the question is why?

Because the OP is putting effort into preparing a meal that he then decides he doesn’t want. Only to then decide again he actually wants it and expects people to bend backwards to accommodate him.

It’s not controlling to want to know how many people are eating when you are cooking dinner.
Nor is it controlling to say that there is no food for him when he has clearly stated he didn’t wan to eat! He could have cooked more fries for himself. No one was stopping him!

TravellingFrom · 05/03/2022 21:23

@TwoCoffeesPlease you do polite conversation with your dcs and spouse? And you find that painful?
Really? You don’t enjoy spending time with them and have a chat for half an hour. That’s a shame.

betwixtlives · 05/03/2022 21:26

‘Sad and cross’ at the thought of your husband eating fish standing up?

Haudyourwheesht · 05/03/2022 21:27

It would annoy me. I cook for us all, and I'd expect to have been given a heads up before I started cooking if an adult member of the household didn't feel like eating a substantial meal. We also sit down to eat dinner as a family, unless work or whatever makes it impossible, so I don't want the DC thinking you can just opt out when it suits you and eat snacks later.

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