Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 yo forty minutes of screaming and shouting and crying

115 replies

pandarific · 05/03/2022 11:04

Forty. Minutes. I have used my calm nice mum voice, I have explained why no, we cannot do what he wants to do. I have suggested other things. I had a baby crawling around too and a cold (from him).

Got: ‘I’m the leader, I say no, I’m in charge, not you, you are naughty, I say yes!!!’ Coupled with screeeeeeaming and crying.

I am so over it. So over it. He’s being such a nightmare at the moment.

At what age does this stop? My NCT group’s kids seem to be phasing out of the toddler tantrums, but mine is the only one who will keep going and going and going and -

Fully hate my life this morning. Please be nice to me.

OP posts:
Bigfathairyones · 05/03/2022 11:05

I think you're doing really well and my only advice would be to keep rewarding the good, whenever you can and don't give in to the tantrum, even after 40 mins. xxx

Lindaloo08 · 05/03/2022 11:09

Sometimes i just grab mine and hug them til they calm and majority of time it works with her. Its hard though, so hard. When they can articulate clearly then it does get easier but the tantrums are lurking still and pop up every now then. Mine are nearly 4 and they ask for a hug when things are too much and they're in the height of it.

Happylittlethoughts · 05/03/2022 11:09

You've explained, now minimise engagement with him. I find ant yo and fro conversation feeds fury in some little ones.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 11:11

Oh, huge sympathies! DC2 - fully embodied the “when they were good they were very very good, but when they were bad they were horrid”. Most people (even close family) just would not believe the tales of hour-plus tantrums we endured … until they actually witnessed one and realised there were absolutely NO strategies to head off or curtail it because it had started.

Literally ignoring was all you could do.

Do you have Brew and Cake?

HereComesTheSum · 05/03/2022 11:11

Aw don't minimise engagement - as the poster above suggested the hug really works. Grab him in a big bear hug after a minute you'll feel him relax into it usually works for me - they get so pent up and mad that they can't calm down - the hug works. Try it.

For what it's worth my daughter is nearly 5 and still does this but only occasionally.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 11:11

@Happylittlethoughts

You've explained, now minimise engagement with him. I find ant yo and fro conversation feeds fury in some little ones.
Agree!
MorningStarling · 05/03/2022 11:12

Punish bad behaviour, reward good behaviour - but remember that an absence of bad behaviour does not mean it's good behaviour. That is, stopping the tantrum does not deserve reward.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 11:13

@HereComesTheSum

Aw don't minimise engagement - as the poster above suggested the hug really works. Grab him in a big bear hug after a minute you'll feel him relax into it usually works for me - they get so pent up and mad that they can't calm down - the hug works. Try it.

For what it's worth my daughter is nearly 5 and still does this but only occasionally.

This was everyone’s instinctive response with our DC - it made things much, much worse!
Cuck00soup · 05/03/2022 11:16

Remember he will grow out if it.
In the short term I found distraction really helped. I also like the say yes technique from the how to talk to children book. ^

Yes, you're in charge of the dinosaurs, and Mummy is in charge of you. Oh look there's a bird in the garden. Shall we go to the swings later or feed the ducks?^

MRex · 05/03/2022 11:20

People parent rather differently, it's hard to give advice when a parenting style is obviously rather different. My view is that calm children can rationalise options, but offering other options is pointless when this already turned into a power struggle for the sake of power. If you think from your child's perspective, they are literally explaining they are very upset about not being in control. It may help to give a little empathy that it's very hard not to be making decisions, and give them a hug. I find small children are less frustrated if they have some aspects of life that they can control, and clear boundaries around what they can't control, with reasons. Give closed options for an illusion of choice "shall we have pizza or pasta for lunch / go to the park or the playground?" to cut out pointless debates about whether it's lunchtime or whether you're going out.

inheritancetrack · 05/03/2022 11:20

Once you have tried the calm voice, the explanation, the 'do you want a cuddle', shall we go to the park, watch TV, distraction scenario, just sit quietly in the room with him and disengage. ear plugs come in handy. Don't feed the tantrum by continuing to talk. Eventually he will get sick of his own screaming and see its getting nowhere, and stop. Then a quick cuddle, move on quickly and don't reward the behaviour. Ignore it basically

maras2 · 05/03/2022 11:21

I had one of those 46 years ago.
So bad that I had to wait 6 years before having another who thank God was the polar opposite.
Sorry I've no advice but heaps of sympathy. I'm sure you're doing a good job.
Please accept Flowers Brew Cake and Gin Wine for later.
Best wishes. Mx.

Original poster
pandarific · 05/03/2022 11:22

it’s like a battle of wills though rather than sad - he’s furious that he’s not getting what he’s wanting.

I will try the hug thing first. If that doesn’t work I will try the minimise engagement, but - how? He follows me around from room to room screeeeaming and crying. I go out of room, shut door, he follows, screaming.

He started carrying on in the park last week and his little friend (same age) told their mummy he was annoying him. Yep, and me, and everyone in a mile radius probably.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 05/03/2022 11:26

@HereComesTheSum

Aw don't minimise engagement - as the poster above suggested the hug really works. Grab him in a big bear hug after a minute you'll feel him relax into it usually works for me - they get so pent up and mad that they can't calm down - the hug works. Try it.

For what it's worth my daughter is nearly 5 and still does this but only occasionally.

You know, that could be borderline abusive on the wrong child. Some people hate being touched when they are angry/upset (just the thought makes me feel quite ill)
grumpytoddler1 · 05/03/2022 11:27

3 is such a hard age OP, people talk about the terrible 2s but I found age 3 much harder. I probably don't have much else to offer on top of what everyone else has said - we mostly tried distraction, which occasionally worked, and threatening him with stuff if he didn't calm down, which worked a bit more frequently. But just to say ignore your nct group. Your kid is not abnormal. My 3 year old was a bloody nightmare!

Original poster
pandarific · 05/03/2022 11:27

Oh fgs porcupine, ‘borderline abusive’? obviously you’d let go if the child doesn’t want to be hugged.

OP posts:
TheAbbotOfUnreason · 05/03/2022 11:30

I used to do the distraction technique too - “oh look, there’s a cat in the garden, is he called Ben or Tigger?” etc.

And also giving toddlers an either / or choice of simple things (food, clothes) so that they feel that they have some control.

Took my eldest a long time to grow out of it, and when they were older I’d do the “I’m so cross with you right now and I’m going to go away and take 5 minutes to calm down and then we’ll talk about it” helped as it removed you both from the situation.

Porcupineintherough · 05/03/2022 11:31

Forcably hugging a child who doesnt want to be touched is borderline abusive . I'm not saying dont try it I'm just pointing out that, for some children, it might be the worst possible approach and people should be aware of that rather than telling them that its "the" answer to childhood tantrums.

Cuck00soup · 05/03/2022 11:32

That's not a great response to someone pointing out that not everyone likes being hugged.

I appreciate you've had a shit morning though Thanks

Branleuse · 05/03/2022 11:33

Can you deescalate the conversation by making it more lighthearted. " oh are you the boss now? Are you looking after me?? Can you carry me? Are you going to drive me home? Can you put me for a nap? Are you going to work in an office? Am I going to be the baby

Cinnabomb · 05/03/2022 11:36

I sort of agree with @Porcupineintherough…. There’s a theme on MN that ‘ignoring’ children in the thick of this is abusive and actually we just need to engage more. It’s the worst thing for my child. If you just float about the room, same room, present but not engaged, she usually gets on with it. Getting down to her level, constant explaining cajoling consoling just feeds it and is the worst thing.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/03/2022 11:36

Porcupineintherough

You know, that could be borderline abusive on the wrong child. Some people hate being touched when they are angry/upset (just the thought makes me feel quite ill)

What a load of shite.

Alway one worthy ready to go on here.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 11:38

I will try the minimise engagement, but - how? He follows me around from room to room screeeeaming and crying. I go out of room, shut door, he follows, screaming.

Practically speaking, it means enduring the ear-splitting screaming, but carrying on an giving it no attention.

You can also try a calming version of grey rock “I can hear you’re very cross with me. When you stop shouting I can talk to you.”

But use sparingly! There’s a fine line between punishing with silence, and not giving fuel to the flames.

Don’t leave him/put him in his room. Just carry on ignoring the screaming.

I’m so sorry, it utterly sucks.

dworky · 05/03/2022 11:38

You're a saint, tbf. Forty minutes shouting would test anyone.

Namechange12312 · 05/03/2022 11:39

Ahh sounds so hard. I have 3 children, the hug thing worked a treat with one of my girls. I worked out with my oldest if she really lost her shit it ALWAYS boiled down to her being hungry. My third is 3 now and he is HARD WORK. He needs a mixture of ignoring (ie ‘I’ve told you, no we can’t bake a cake right now, we will go to the shop for ingredients and bake later’ then blank) followed by a big cuddle and a chat. Distraction does not work for him at all.

Good luck finding what works for your DC Flowers (probably just in time for the baby to start tantrums!!).

Swipe left for the next trending thread