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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 yo forty minutes of screaming and shouting and crying

115 replies

pandarific · 05/03/2022 11:04

Forty. Minutes. I have used my calm nice mum voice, I have explained why no, we cannot do what he wants to do. I have suggested other things. I had a baby crawling around too and a cold (from him).

Got: ‘I’m the leader, I say no, I’m in charge, not you, you are naughty, I say yes!!!’ Coupled with screeeeeeaming and crying.

I am so over it. So over it. He’s being such a nightmare at the moment.

At what age does this stop? My NCT group’s kids seem to be phasing out of the toddler tantrums, but mine is the only one who will keep going and going and going and -

Fully hate my life this morning. Please be nice to me.

OP posts:
busyeatingbiscuits · 05/03/2022 12:47

I think it helps to look at tantrums as a child being overwhelmed with their emotions rather than naughty. They still have emotional outbursts at 3 or 4 because they are still learning to contain their emotions.

With mine I found what worked was to empathise and help them understand what was happening to them “I can see you’re feeling so angry because you want xyz/I wish you could have it too”
And offering a hug “do you need my help to calm down?”
And never ever giving in.

ittakes2 · 05/03/2022 12:54

I would buy one of those mini trampolines with a holding bar and encourage him to jump on it.
Start breathing in 5 times and breathing out 5 timed and encourage him to join you.
I put a cot mattress in a corner and called it my son’s crying mattress and encouraged him when crying to rest there so it had its own boundaries.

Squiffy01 · 05/03/2022 12:59

My sympathies I know how hard it can be!
Unfortunately I have no advice as I am completely failing in this department. Was hoping other peoples comments might give me some hope but they do not.

My 3.5 year old really struggles with his emotions.
Hugging him when angry does not work just makes him worse.
Acknowledging his emotions do not work makes him angrier.
Walking away from him does not work he just follows me and continues screaming and trying to hit me
Going into my room and locking the door for me to calm down get away from him hitting me makes him angrier (and he can also unlock the door from the outside). Me coming out of my room doesn’t help

He went on for an hour and a half last night. I lost my shit with him and screamed back at him it is so far from the parent I want to be but it has happened a couple of times recently. Of course it didn’t help.

Logically I know it won’t last forever and they don’t last all day we can have good times as well but it feels so constant and I’m convinced he will be like this forever and be the teenager punching holes in the wall.
At the moment if I had anywhere else to go I would just leave.

Squiffy01 · 05/03/2022 13:04

God sorry that would not have been helpful at all. Only meant to write the first bit to know you aren’t alone then it all came out. Sorry.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 05/03/2022 13:05

@TheAbbotOfUnreason

Pity he ever worked it out! 🤣

Moominmamma33 · 05/03/2022 13:09

Also finding 3 a tough age here! So many power struggles... I have found "playful parenting" useful for ideas (helps me to feel calmer, and sometimes defuses situations!) and making sure they feel heard and their feelings accepted, but keeping the boundary, and giving them a way out of the tantrum... argh it is so difficult!

EducatingArti · 05/03/2022 13:11

Try picking up a handful of his books. Sit in the same room but not to close. Sit somewhere where there is space for him to sit next to you if he wants. Start reading as if you were reading to him. Use a loud clear voice but don't try and compete with his screaming. It may be that he has got so besides himself that he doesn't know how to stop. Giving him something interesting to focus on ( without demanding his focus) might be a way to help him calm down.

Nocutenamesleft · 05/03/2022 13:12

It’s rinse and repeat

Calmly. ‘No. Mummy said you can’t have/do this. Please calm down. ‘

Over and over

Then when they are calm. Say wow! How good are you for doing as mummy said. I’m so proud. You can do it. I believe in you

Rinse and treat every time

But remember. Praise the positive!! Always. So any good behaviour. Even if it’s just sitting and playing quietly or nicely

Wow. You’re so good today. I’m very impressed. Mummy is loving how you’re behaving today.

Always praise good.

But when it’s bad behaviour. No praise and just a sentence calmly.

It will work. I promise.

nopuppiesallowed · 05/03/2022 13:14

Forty minutes?! If you've tried all the great suggestions on here and they've failed, go into another room, take a deep breath, go back in and a quick smack on a nappied bottom should do the trick. It's not the smack that does it (and shouldn't be a hard one done in anger), it's the shock if you never do it. When a toddler has got himself into this sort of rage he won't hear all the calm voices in the world. And yes - am anticipating a shoot down here, talks of violence etc but all my children still love me and ask me to have their children to stay so the occasional the short, sharp shock when they were little obviously didn't traumatise them or make them hate me. And they have all grown up to be kind and gentle people!

MerryMarigold · 05/03/2022 13:15

My DD stopped completely almost on her 5th birthday. It was weird. I used to think she had issues... Some kind of psychotic disorder. She is now a very delightful teen. I think she got it all out of her system before she was 5! I used to put her in her room until she calmed down as she would have such rages it was the safest place for her.

Hankunamatata · 05/03/2022 13:16

This reminds me of dc2. He lulled me into a false sense of security as he was such a docile child until he turned 3 (we actually had dc3 as dc2 was an angel after hyper dc1). Then massive temper tantrums. He had delayed speech which contributed but omg it was tough. People really judge a 3 year old lying on the middle of a supermarket floor.

Yellowsubhubabubbub · 05/03/2022 13:22

I go eat chocolate on the toilet.
Sometimes I have crisps.
It won’t help the toddler but it might help you!
understandingmumhugs

OfstedOffred · 05/03/2022 13:25

I actually found that constantly giving soft choices made behaviour worse.

It made my eldest DC expect that there would always be a choice, that they were the one would get to decide, in reality in life there often isnt. They also simply got annoyed with being offered two things, neither of which were wanted. We got a lot of "but what can I have instead" all the time.

Now I keep things fairly blunt and it works well. I'm in charge, but if they play by my rules I'll try and cater for their preferences.

Agree that with long tantrums, don't engage. Find somewhere safe you can put him. If you need to stay in the same room, minimise conversation and try not to react.

RNBrie · 05/03/2022 13:29

My first dc had massive tantrums so I do understand. What we found worked was catching it before or just as it started, sitting or crouching down with her and saying something like "I can't help you if you're yelling and screaming. Take a deep breath. I'm going to try and help you but I need you to calm down so you can explain it to me". Focus on the calm before yoy try solving the problem. Often I found that the thing she was upset about wasn't at all what I thought it was and I could actually find a compromise that worked for us both. We've got two more dc and neither has ever had a tantrum, it's a combo of teaching them techniques to calm down but then also helping them articulate what the problem is. I guess it won't work for everyone but it was brilliant for us.

OfstedOffred · 05/03/2022 13:29

Also whopper whopper long tantrums imho are always linked with

  • tiredness
  • hunger
  • coming down with something
  • whisker too much screen time/more than usual
  • not enough time outdoors.

Could it be any of those?

katepilar · 05/03/2022 13:33

@Happylittlethoughts

You've explained, now minimise engagement with him. I find ant yo and fro conversation feeds fury in some little ones.
No, leaving a small child who is overwhelmed and overrun by their emotions is really bad. You are the parent who teaches them how to deal with emotions. Its not a powerfight.
Nelliephant1 · 05/03/2022 13:34

Boys do have a testosterone surge around the age of four and seven so it may be that it's kicking in a wee bit earlier for your wee boy. As with all things hormonal, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme nor reason for it and not a lot of rationality, he probably can't explain it either as it may be hormonal rather than anything else.

Have a look at the book Raising Boys by Steve Bidiulph. He's an Australian psychologist who is fab and his book is very light, easily read and full of things that the majority of people don't know about the physical and physiological development of boys.

Hang in there!

BirdOnTheWire · 05/03/2022 13:40

@Nelliephant1 Steve Biddulph was a great help to me 20 years ago when there wasn't the collective wisdom of MN. My youngest now 24 was a professional tantrumer at 3.

he would be completely unable to control it but eventually it was like a switch flicked and he would collapse.

katepilar · 05/03/2022 13:40

@Parfait

Sometimes it helped me to say "I wish I could do that for you, but I can't" And also to say "you cry, I can see you are upset" Paradoxically they often stopped!
Theres nothing paradoxical about that ;) Acknowledging someones emotions is a very poweful tool, both for children and adults.
nameisnotimportant · 05/03/2022 13:41

This is totally normal for this age. I usually go with, it's okay to be angry but you do not scream and shout etc (I say this in quite a firm voice). I then say, I'm here ready when you need a cuddle. Then I get on doing things. Most of the time she's coming over to give me for cuddle after 5 mins. I've been consistent with this and the tantrums have reduced. My daughters now three and half and the other day she was arguing over a toy with her sibling. She came over and said mummy I'm starting to feel angry, I need a cuddle and there was no tantrum 🙌🏻. We have to be the calm when their brains and emotions are dis regulated. Which is easier said than done and I don't always get it right but being consistent has definitely worked.

Cuck00soup · 05/03/2022 13:43

People really judge a 3 year old lying on the middle of a supermarket floor.

Nice people don't. Most of us have been there. I try to smile at the poor parent if I can.

Nelliephant1 · 05/03/2022 13:44

[quote BirdOnTheWire]@Nelliephant1 Steve Biddulph was a great help to me 20 years ago when there wasn't the collective wisdom of MN. My youngest now 24 was a professional tantrumer at 3.

he would be completely unable to control it but eventually it was like a switch flicked and he would collapse.[/quote]
Me too. I have three boys and I can't honestly say that they were ever problematic but Steve was doing a tour at the time, we went to listen to him and he was great, he's got a very entertaining way of putting things across.

I must have bought his book about six times as I kept lending it to parents of sons and I never got them back! 😄

stimpyyouidiot · 05/03/2022 13:44

No advice only solidarity here! My dd was notorious for being soooo argumentative and unreasonable and also followed me everywhere to prolong the pain. She's 4 now and while she occasionally loses her shit (mostly on a Friday when she's exhausted from school) she's thoroughly pleasant now.

Nelliephant1 · 05/03/2022 13:46

@Cuck00soup

People really judge a 3 year old lying on the middle of a supermarket floor.

Nice people don't. Most of us have been there. I try to smile at the poor parent if I can.

No they don't!! People sympathise if anything and are just grateful it's either not them or they're kids have outgrown that stage!
SmellyWellyWoo · 05/03/2022 13:48

My eldest was a royal pain in the arse for me (but an angel for every other bugger Hmm). I worked full time and honestly used to breathe a sigh of relief when I dropped him off at nursery in the morning. He got to four and suddenly just seemed to get easier. Can't remember how I got through it or what techniques I used (if any!). I suppose my point is- this too shall pass.