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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 yo forty minutes of screaming and shouting and crying

115 replies

pandarific · 05/03/2022 11:04

Forty. Minutes. I have used my calm nice mum voice, I have explained why no, we cannot do what he wants to do. I have suggested other things. I had a baby crawling around too and a cold (from him).

Got: ‘I’m the leader, I say no, I’m in charge, not you, you are naughty, I say yes!!!’ Coupled with screeeeeeaming and crying.

I am so over it. So over it. He’s being such a nightmare at the moment.

At what age does this stop? My NCT group’s kids seem to be phasing out of the toddler tantrums, but mine is the only one who will keep going and going and going and -

Fully hate my life this morning. Please be nice to me.

OP posts:
litlealligator · 05/03/2022 11:40

When my toddler gets really worked up and can't calm down, I take him to a corner, sit on the floor and cuddle and talk him through some calm breathing ("now we're going to take a deep breath in... and out...") with loud breathing noises. Sounds really cheesy but for us it works really well and really helps him calm down, by the third round of breathing in and out he's always calmed at least a little bit. I think sometimes they just don't know how to chill and they just end up being upset about being upset!

Original poster
pandarific · 05/03/2022 11:40

Fair enough porcupine - sorry for being snappy.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 11:40

And yes, hangry was a BIG THING and still is with my DC2.

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 11:40

* have used my calm nice mum voice, I have explained why no, we cannot do what he wants to do.*

And that’s your mistake
He needed down to his level, eye contact and absolutely no “nice mum voice”

TheAbbotOfUnreason · 05/03/2022 11:42

Good call on being hungry - my DH and DC get massively grumpy when they’re hungry but they don’t realise they’re hungry.

BirdOnTheWire · 05/03/2022 11:42

Deep breath, it will pass.

Mine didn't tantrum as toddlers but started at 3/4. By that age they have more stamina and can go on for longer, plus distraction ceases to work around three.
DS2 would follow me from room to room howling and whining.
Ignore, ignore and if you can't ignore then pretend to ignore.

I promise they won't do it forever.

Porcupineintherough · 05/03/2022 11:43

No offence taken at all. And I'm sure big hugs can be a hugely helpful approach with many children. I'm sorry I put my point across badly.

phoenixrosehere · 05/03/2022 11:47

Other than wanting something he can’t have, is it possible he has a need not being met?

Could he be tired, hungry, thirsty, bored etc..?

Jvg33 · 05/03/2022 11:48

You have done well to not scream back. Mine tantrumed for 10 minutes this morning. I didn't try to stop him. It's just a phase. Parenting young children is hard. Every parent are having similar issues even if they don't seem to.

Phos · 05/03/2022 11:57

Sometimes distraction works. When my daughter was smaller and started carrying on I'd tell her to do something like "hey I need your help, can you find me 3 red things" It sort of resets them. Then you can do what you need to do, have a hug, remind them how we speak to each other etc

MRex · 05/03/2022 12:09

I'm fairly sure @pandarific would have noticed by now if her child hated being touched, and would have mentioned it. The advice would be valid to a child who doesn't like to be touched, but no need to set off panic about every hug for other children.

Hangry can be a big thing. How is he now after the hug attempt OP?
I think at this age helping to interpret issues can help a child learn to talk instead of scream. For example DS started shouting at DH for using the wrong bathroom and various things, he was just getting himself wound up. I asked him what he was upset about as he threw himself dramatically on the floor with incoherent shouting starting a tantrum. I asked if he wanted the bathroom, NOOOOO. Was he hungry, NOOOO. Was he trying to hurry daddy up, SNIFF yes. Why was he hurrying daddy, sniffs late to see X. I explained they still had half an hour and his friend wouldn't be there yet, grumpy little ok. Had a hug, reminded him to ask if he's worried about being late or anything else, then he said sorry Daddy of his own accord and chirped off to put his shoes on. It's not easy with the little tyrants, and I know my approach wouldn't work for every child never mind every parent, but could be worth a try OP.

MalFunkshun · 05/03/2022 12:10

Sympathies - my 3yo is a bloody nightmare. Super stubborn, cannot be talked round, HATES being hugged when in the height of it (tbf I hate being hugged when I’m angry too). Best thing is to put her by herself and let her shout it out, go back at 5/10 minute intervals - “do you want to talk now? No, ok, I’ll leave you alone for a bit then.” No other engagement, just carry on doing whatever else you need to do.

Usually after 30/40 mins of that, she comes for a cuddle and then says sorry and tries to talk. No chance of getting any of that out of her until she’s worked it all out of her system though. I’m PRAYING this is just an age / stage thing…

Averyproperteaparty · 05/03/2022 12:10

My child was a little shit at aged three. I really struggled and didn’t like him at all. You’ll get through it. 💐💐

TangerineClay · 05/03/2022 12:13

Sometimes I think they just get into a state and have forgotten what they were originally upset about and are overtired. I remember dd falling asleep in my arms after one such tantrum

TheFlyHalfsMum · 05/03/2022 12:13

The suggestions of distraction are making me chuckle. I know it definitely works for some kids, but I remember trying it on my daughter when she was about 3 and she screamed at me “I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work!” 🤣

Just letting her get in with it was the only thing that worked sadly.

phoenixrosehere · 05/03/2022 12:16

I'm fairly sure @pandarific would have noticed by now if her child hated being touched, and would have mentioned it. The advice would be valid to a child who doesn't like to be touched, but no need to set off panic about every hug for other children.

That isn’t necessarily true. Children do change and can go from wanting a hug to not wanting one with age and even dependent on how angry they are. My oldest definitely did. If it was a small tantrum, he didn’t mind but if he got himself quite wound up, touching him made it worse.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 12:21

My DC2 is super huggy in normal life. But if upset or - when you get - in a tantrum, absolutely not happy about imposed physical contact.

Tbh, I get it totally - if I’m angry I cannot accept physical touch either, gives me the fight or flight urge - so recognising it in others is easier for me than it is for my husband, for example, whose go-to method is definitely physical touch.

EthelTheAardvark · 05/03/2022 12:22

View it as a chance to relax. You've told him why he can't have what he wants, you know there is nothing actually wrong with him, so tell him once more that shouting and screaming is not going to work and then leave him to it and get on with whatever else you want to do. I used to use this technique with DD at a similar age, and she learnt fairly quickly that tantrums were a total waste of time.

TheAbbotOfUnreason · 05/03/2022 12:23

@TheFlyHalfsMum

The suggestions of distraction are making me chuckle. I know it definitely works for some kids, but I remember trying it on my daughter when she was about 3 and she screamed at me “I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work!” 🤣

Just letting her get in with it was the only thing that worked sadly.

Took my DH 25 years to work it out.
AlwaysLatte · 05/03/2022 12:26

I feel for you, it's not easy! My two both went through this phase at about that age, and I remember the only thing that would work was sitting on the floor with them and wrapping them up and rocking them - they both used to go to sleep, it was almost always exhaustion (obviously ruling out pain/illness etc).

HistoricMoment · 05/03/2022 12:28

DC2 was the same at that age. He still has occasional tantrums but they're shorter now that he's 5.
The only thing that worked (not always though) was the bear hug mentioned by PP. It was usually last thing I felt like doing, I had to force myself to stay with him and hug him most times.
When it didn't work I'd just let his tantrum run its course. It was really hard and I understand why you say you hate your life right now, but remember that it will pass!

Hellorhighwater · 05/03/2022 12:29

Gods, strong willed little kids are hard work. Do you want strategies, or just empathy?

Parfait · 05/03/2022 12:33

Sometimes it helped me to say "I wish I could do that for you, but I can't"
And also to say "you cry, I can see you are upset"
Paradoxically they often stopped!

HRTQueen · 05/03/2022 12:36

Ds tantrums at 4 were horrendous

At times he would respond to distraction other times a cuddle sometimes just had to stand there and let him carry on (more often in public)

It doesn’t last for ever and you will even laugh about some of the incidents

Jellybellywellysmelly · 05/03/2022 12:38

A range of all the suggestions worked with my dd. There’s no right or wrong. Sorry, sounds like a cliche but don’t let people judge you.