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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
Arabellla · 05/03/2022 06:40

@HootOwl what virtue-signalling twaddle. I’d eat my hat if you did what you are badly advising OP to do.

PollyPage · 05/03/2022 06:43

It's up to you but I don't see why it's such a sweary response. I wouldn't leave someone homeless, you could at least let him keep his stuff at yours and stay an odd night if, and only of that's what she wants. I am still chuckling at the sweet innocence of posters suggesting social services would give a flying shit or that as he's 16 he must be in education. How lovely to live in your world.

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 06:46

I’m chuckling at the sweet innocence of posters suggesting this boy will leave easily when asked. How lovely to live in your world.

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 06:55

[quote Arabellla]@HootOwl what virtue-signalling twaddle. I’d eat my hat if you did what you are badly advising OP to do.[/quote]
You’re so aggressive @Arabellla!

Look you wouldn’t do it
I wouldn’t do it

But

Some people would

Fostering for example. I honestly couldn’t imagine anything worse. Teaching? Absolutely not. Childminder? I’d rather not eat.

But thankfully - others have a different stance

Odd you can’t grasp that

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 06:57

@Arabellla

I’m chuckling at the sweet innocence of posters suggesting this boy will leave easily when asked. How lovely to live in your world.
Read every post from the Op

Where does she even insinuate that he would point blank refuse to leave the OP’s home?

gamerchick · 05/03/2022 07:05

@HootOwl

Him staying for 8 days while she helps him access SS support is hardly her daughter "living with him". Seriously. Some of the things written here are the wrong side of the crazy line.
That's very kind of you, I'm sure the OP has your address by now to send him to live for a bit.
AlternativePerspective · 05/03/2022 07:32

I am actually horrified by some of the 'not my circus not my monkeys' responses on here. I think you are truly awful. All of you. I am actually horrified that people think that people think calling social services to get this boy the professional help he needs is somehow thoughtless and the only option is to move them into their home or be called callas and shamed for not wanting to do so.

At the end of the day social services are going to have to become involved if this boy has nowhere to go. OP has stated that they’re moving in 8 days so living with her isn’t going to be an option then. Therefore it is far better to involve the professionals from the outset since they’re going to be involved anyway. Nothing callas about that at all.

AngelicInnocent · 05/03/2022 07:36

Good grief, all these posters saying OP should open her home to this boy that she doesn't know because he shouldn't be left homeless. I assume they have all contacted SS to offer to have one or two of the children in that situation locally placed with them.

Long term childhood friend of one of my children, of course I would, and have, let them stay for a while until arguments with family are resolved etc. Teenage boy I barely know, doesn't actually sound like DD even knows him that well, not a chance.

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 07:38

@Landedonfeet

You’re so aggressive @Arabellla!

What bit of my post was aggressive?

And fostering is very different because it’s a choice made by people. Odd you can’t grasp that.

PerditaPerdita · 05/03/2022 07:56

I would have him for the 8 days and help him find something.

I'd want to her to know him better as he's her boyfriend. What better way than have him stay?

There's a time limit of 8 days so you've got nothing to lose in a way.

Well, you have. If you don't take advantage of this moment, you won't get to know him and you will alienate her and next thing she'll be moving into a flat with him at 16.

For example.

And I would not take any money from him. Be friends, not immediate enemies. Do you begrudge your daughter's boyfriend, a kid himself, supper for a few nights?

PerditaPerdita · 05/03/2022 07:57

I meant:

I would want to know him better (as he's her boyfriend)

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 08:03

I'd want to her to know him better as he's her boyfriend. What better way than have him stay?

Do you start your relationships like this? Oh I want to get to know them better so I'll move in for 8 day?

That's a horrible idea and an awful way to get to know someone. It's way too intimidate and intense.

If you want to get to know your daughters boyfriend you invite him round for tea.

RAOK · 05/03/2022 08:05

You’re putting your own family and the needs of your own children first by saying no. That is literally your job as a parent. Do what feels right as a parent. Stand your ground. You are prepared to help him from a distance and that is a good compromise.

It’s easy for people to say oh course they’d let their 15 year old daughter’s boyfriend they’ve barely met live with them when they’re not actually being faced with that situation out of the blue.

TreesoftheField · 05/03/2022 08:09

It's unlikely he'd end up in an adult homeless hostel surrounded by drug users. There are young people specific homelessness services because its recognised that adult homelessness is very different.
Social services would have a duty to investigate, but this may involve contacting parents and mediating for a return home.
Unfortunately they are vastly overwhelmed and will do everything they can to avoid becoming long term responsible. Certainly if they feel he isn't at risk of rough sleeping, they will avoid doing anything until he is - they will prioritise those most at risk.
It will take a lot of chasing and being very assertive, it will also take the young man being willing to engage in the process. Because if he thinks he can stay with you instead, he's not likely to make an effort with Social services.
Legislation changed several years ago and they do have a duty to help 16 and 17 year olds in this situation- but resources are limited, they will try and put you off and probably pressure you to have him stay.
I have seen a lot of girls in this situation- instead of being in a carefree teenage romance, they are suddenly 'partners' and the relationship becomes the priority. Harder for her to concentrate on herself for sure. If the relationship isn't established and you Don't know him well, I would be wary of ending up in an informal Foster arrangement because Social services will be reluctant to help if they think you're an option.

lostoldname · 05/03/2022 08:46

Op if you decide to ring social services start with the borough where his dad lives in London so that he could be housed there to be able to continue with his training.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/03/2022 10:58

So the kid should be left in the streets because the OP's daughter is like every other 15 year old and rather emotional qnd unable to "make a coherent case" for him staying?
Surely as an adult the OP should be able to construct the obvious coherent case herself?

You might want to at least read my post instead of leaping straight to hyperbole, HootOwl*.
Nobody's suggested leaving him on the streets and I've said throught that it sounds good for OP to support the lad with the professionals, and that's where the "coherent case" will be valuable, but it's obviously not coming from the DD

I also can't agree that "every other" 15 year old will react in this way; they obviously won't approach it as an adult would, but tears and shouting aren't really a way to change peoples' minds. Fortunately the decision rests with OP, and FWIW I think she's made the right one

Oh, and I see there's still no answer from those who would let him stay as to how a 16 year old would sort things in just a week, and what should be done when he hasn't - funny that Hmm

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 11:06

[quote Arabellla]@Landedonfeet

You’re so aggressive @Arabellla!

What bit of my post was aggressive?

And fostering is very different because it’s a choice made by people. Odd you can’t grasp that.[/quote]
Not saying the op should do anything
But wouldn’t presume that no one would

MrsSchrute · 05/03/2022 11:35

Oh, and I see there's still no answer from those who would let him stay as to how a 16 year old would sort things in just a week, and what should be done when he hasn't - funny that 

Well my answer to that would be, I would let him stay until something more permanent could be arranged. Pretty simple.

gamerchick · 05/03/2022 11:37

@MrsSchrute

Oh, and I see there's still no answer from those who would let him stay as to how a 16 year old would sort things in just a week, and what should be done when he hasn't - funny that 

Well my answer to that would be, I would let him stay until something more permanent could be arranged. Pretty simple.

So what's stopping you? Opportunity is right there.
MrsSchrute · 05/03/2022 11:41

Where do you live OP? If you're nearby then I will DM you and see what we can sort.

@gamerchick I think you see this comment, which you've made multiple times, as some kind of gotcha. I've had people stay with me before when they had no place to go, I would definitely do it again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/03/2022 12:51

I would let him stay until something more permanent could be arranged. Pretty simple

That would rightly be your choice to make, but it doesn't address what's been asked repeatedly - which is how those who insist it would be "just for a week" see things working when it doesn't happen that way

If what folk actually mean is that they'd house him for months or years (not that I believe most would accept that for themselves) why not be honest enough to say so instead of pretending it would just be for a short spell?

EmpressCixi · 05/03/2022 13:35

[quote Arabellla]@HootOwl what virtue-signalling twaddle. I’d eat my hat if you did what you are badly advising OP to do.[/quote]
Eat your hat then, because I did take in a homeless 16yr old when their dad kicked them out the house. They lived with us for nine months until a foster place was found for them in local school catchment.

EmpressCixi · 05/03/2022 13:38

those who insist it would be "just for a week" see things working when it doesn't happen that way

But it might be just for a week, if OP can arrange for other friends to house the boy now and then or if SS is able to move quickly. I agree you can’t know going in how long it would take, but if you can only commit for a week, that’s one week they’re not sleeping on the streets. Every little helps. It doesn’t have to be an offer of support until a more permanent solution is found. It can be temporary. It’s not all or nothing.

notthemum · 05/03/2022 13:39

@Torak

However DD and her boyfriend are furious with me

This would make me even firmer in saying no.

This.
gannett · 05/03/2022 13:49

Lots of people jumping on "furious", an inflammatory word that's at least third-hand in this situation, as a way of justifying their hard-hearted "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude towards a homeless child with at least one abusive parent.

Taking in a child in severe need isn't easy, it may be disruptive, but it's one of those moments in life where you can either step up and take on a hard task that might change someone's life for the better, or you can step back and say it's not your problem. I'm thankful for the handful of PPs who've actually done this in their lives.

And please, no guff about how giving a homeless 16-year-old a roof for 8 days will wreck OP's daughter's life (as if she couldn't get pregnant by a boyfriend she doesn't live with), or this pretence that as soon as he sets foot in the door he'll end up squatting with her for a decade. That's just inventing hypotheticals to justify the absolute cold-hearted lack of care on this thread.

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me.

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