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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 05/03/2022 14:16

I couldn't bring myself to kick him out as he will end up on the streets unless he can find someone else to take him in or he can reconcile with his family

Social Services won't do much to help a 16 year old

Do you know why his relationship with his family has broken down?

As to all those people saying they have no right to be furious with you OP. Really? He is obviously very scared. Where do you think that anger comes from? It comes from fear of being on his own with no adult to protect him.

I am not saying you need to let him stay indefinitely but could you not at least try to help him find somewhere to stay or to at least reconcile with his family if at all possible?.

bumblingbovine49 · 05/03/2022 14:17

@gannett

Lots of people jumping on "furious", an inflammatory word that's at least third-hand in this situation, as a way of justifying their hard-hearted "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude towards a homeless child with at least one abusive parent.

Taking in a child in severe need isn't easy, it may be disruptive, but it's one of those moments in life where you can either step up and take on a hard task that might change someone's life for the better, or you can step back and say it's not your problem. I'm thankful for the handful of PPs who've actually done this in their lives.

And please, no guff about how giving a homeless 16-year-old a roof for 8 days will wreck OP's daughter's life (as if she couldn't get pregnant by a boyfriend she doesn't live with), or this pretence that as soon as he sets foot in the door he'll end up squatting with her for a decade. That's just inventing hypotheticals to justify the absolute cold-hearted lack of care on this thread.

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me.

This says it so much better than I did.
Original poster
Rosebel · 05/03/2022 14:21

@gannett

Lots of people jumping on "furious", an inflammatory word that's at least third-hand in this situation, as a way of justifying their hard-hearted "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude towards a homeless child with at least one abusive parent.

Taking in a child in severe need isn't easy, it may be disruptive, but it's one of those moments in life where you can either step up and take on a hard task that might change someone's life for the better, or you can step back and say it's not your problem. I'm thankful for the handful of PPs who've actually done this in their lives.

And please, no guff about how giving a homeless 16-year-old a roof for 8 days will wreck OP's daughter's life (as if she couldn't get pregnant by a boyfriend she doesn't live with), or this pretence that as soon as he sets foot in the door he'll end up squatting with her for a decade. That's just inventing hypotheticals to justify the absolute cold-hearted lack of care on this thread.

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me.

This is a pretty hurtful post. The type of person I am is someone who puts her children first and is helping out a lad I don't know very well. If you'd bothered to read what I said you'd realise I'm helping him.
OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 05/03/2022 14:23

I bought a place off an old man once. When it came to moving in, he refused to move out. There I was, sat with the removal van there and all... He was supposed to move in with family, but it hadn't worked out quite as planned. My solicitor sorted it out by refusing to transfer completion funds, but it was an anxious few hours.

So yes, it can get complicated if someone wants to stay put in your home. Are you going to remove them by force? 16yr old "boys" are often bigger than grown men these days!

gannett · 05/03/2022 14:28

This is a pretty hurtful post. The type of person I am is someone who puts her children first and is helping out a lad I don't know very well.
If you'd bothered to read what I said you'd realise I'm helping him.

The posts you should focus on in this thread, which you haven't acknowledged, are the ones by the posters who have done this in their lives. Taken in children who are not their own, who they might not know very well, and literally changed the course of their lives for the better.

Not a popular opinion on this thread but I would say taking him in IS putting your children first, because it's teaching them that compassion is important even when it means a little sacrifice.

FWIW I say this as someone who's been through the care system. It's shit. It's uncertain. The only people there to guide or help you are stressed and overworked. You need to be very mature or very lucky not to fall through the cracks.

gamerchick · 05/03/2022 14:32

@MrsSchrute

Where do you live OP? If you're nearby then I will DM you and see what we can sort.

@gamerchick I think you see this comment, which you've made multiple times, as some kind of gotcha. I've had people stay with me before when they had no place to go, I would definitely do it again.

Definitely no gotcha. It's easy to organise someone else's life for them, but rarely put their money where their mouth is. If people are willing to put this lad up then they can, it's that simple. Gets a kid into a house and looked after. Everyone's a winner.
Original poster
Rosebel · 05/03/2022 14:41

I have read all the replies and I am not in a position to have him live with us
Helping my DDs boyfriend is showing compensation. He doesn't need to live with us for me to help him. I have an autistic DD and a toddler, they and my eldest are my priority.
Perhaps I am a callous bitch but I don't want a teenage boy I don't know living with us and am helping him more than his own parents.

OP posts:
Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 14:58

@Rosebel

I have read all the replies and I am not in a position to have him live with us Helping my DDs boyfriend is showing compensation. He doesn't need to live with us for me to help him. I have an autistic DD and a toddler, they and my eldest are my priority. Perhaps I am a callous bitch but I don't want a teenage boy I don't know living with us and am helping him more than his own parents.
Agreed You know it So really starting a AIBU thread was odd!
Original poster
Rosebel · 05/03/2022 15:07

I wanted to see what other people thought that's all. The replies are getting a bit much now.

OP posts:
WaterTheBasil · 05/03/2022 15:10

Mumsnet would be utterly pointless if nobody started threads to get the opinions of others. Confused

I've got a 15 year old dd and there is no way I'd let her boyfriend move in.

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 15:13

Seems like sucker for punishment when you 100% know that you’re not being unreasonable
To start a thread on AIBU

Grin
Whybirdwhy · 05/03/2022 15:13

There are circumstances where I would allow a stray teen to stay but not in this instance because:

You don't know him well
No idea of the circumstances surrounding this
His "furious" attitude
Pressure on your daughter
You have younger children, having a person you don't know well living in your house is a safeguarding risk to them.

I would however help him to access some support from elsewhere

JazzHandsYeah · 05/03/2022 15:14

YANBU in the slightest. Offering support in the way you’ve suggested is all you can do. He isn’t your responsibility, your kids come first.

hawkinspawkins · 05/03/2022 15:17

Id say no. Your priority is your daughter and children

If she's only 15, i would be doing my best to let the relationship fizzle out and allowing him to stay at your house is only going to encourage him/them

No 15 year old should be living with her BF

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 15:17

@EmpressCixi

Eat your hat then, because I did take in a homeless 16yr old when their dad kicked them out the house. They lived with us for nine months until a foster place was found for them in local school catchment.

I wasn’t talking to you. My comment was in respect of that poster taking this boy in in OP’s circumstances.

WaterTheBasil · 05/03/2022 15:20

*Eat your hat then, because I did take in a homeless 16yr old when their dad kicked them out the house. They lived with us for nine months until a foster place was found for them in local school catchment.

*Was it a sixteen year old boy who was going out with your fifteen year old daughter?

Scbchl · 05/03/2022 15:21

I personally couldn't not help anyone in his situation that I knew at such a young age.

ChampagneLassie · 05/03/2022 16:22

I don't think @gannett is being hurtful at all - they're being honest. There is no right or wrong answer - you've asked for perspectives. Some people host refugees - a friend of mine has done it - she's a single mum with a lot on but she did it! And she got a young Muslim man who spoke hardly any English. I bet she'd take this lad in without even questioning it. But if that's too much for you that is ok. But I do think awareness that your daughter may not forgive you or believe your point of view that you "couldn't" you can, you're choosing not to.

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 16:26

@Scbchl

I personally couldn't not help anyone in his situation that I knew at such a young age.
Out of interest Even if it negatively impacted your own family?
Elsiebear90 · 05/03/2022 16:36

Unless he was a bad kid I couldn’t let him be homeless, I would speak to his parents about why he has been kicked out first. Does he really have no one at all in his family who could help?

billy1966 · 05/03/2022 16:47

The OP isn't letting be homeless, his parents are.

He has two parents whose responsibility he is, not the OP that has barely met him.

The OP has more than enough on her plate.

Wonderberry · 05/03/2022 16:52

I really hope this poor boy isn't on the streets as a result of the OP refusing to allow him in.

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 16:57

@Wonderberry

I really hope this poor boy isn't on the streets as a result of the OP refusing to allow him in.
Well he was in a hotel
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/03/2022 17:08

I agree you can’t know going in how long it would take, but if you can only commit for a week, that’s one week they’re not sleeping on the streets

Definitely agree with this bit, but first of all he seems to be in an hotel for now, and secondly OP doesn't necessarily need to be the one to step in. That's what SS are for, and since OP is supporting him to access help I expect that's who she's contacting

I had to smile about SS "moving quickly" though, since IME they don't move fast (or indeed at all) except in a real emergency. As so many have said, it won't count as that any more if OP houses him, which she may well have factored in when refusing

Original poster
Rosebel · 05/03/2022 17:13

@Wonderberry

I really hope this poor boy isn't on the streets as a result of the OP refusing to allow him in.
Because of me? I didn't kick him out of his home
OP posts: