Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
HootOwl · 04/03/2022 21:11

@WaterTheBasil

How unkind some of these posts are. What do you mean?
Have you read the thread?

People saying nobody throws a 16 year old out unless the child has done something wrong (I am living proof that one is not true).

People saying it's "intriguing" that neither his mother or father "get on" with him. Like it's so hard to comprehend that some poor kids grow up in abusive families.

The assertion that if the OP helps him for a few days "he will never leave" even though she's clearly said the maximum it could be is 8 days anyway because then they are moving house.

The insinuations that he is lying about being thrown out although there appears to be zero evidence of that.

The whole "not your problem" brigade without a shred of kindness for a child who has suffered abuse from his mother and desperately needs help.

"He has nobody to blame but his parents". How helpful when you're 16 and alone and facing homelessness.

And many more similar comments.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 04/03/2022 21:12

Id be tortured over this too. But as my mother likes to say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

BurbageBrook · 04/03/2022 21:14

I feel so sorry for him. I’d let him for a few days at least.

HootOwl · 04/03/2022 21:16

@NeverDropYourMooncup

unless things have changed significantly he's just fallen down a hole in the system and nobody will help him

They have.

He has a right to SS support, whether with a foster family or somewhere else. He will receive support until he is 25, all the way through education/training and into adulthood.

But only if he enters the system.

I was in an abusive home. My solution was to move into my boyfriend's parents' home.

DD1 was born just over a year after I didn't do very well at my A levels, because my boyfriend wanted me to spend all my time with him and not waste it on homework or revision.

We split up nine months later.

It's good to hear that the system has improved slightly.

I'm sorry for your experience but it doesn't mean that would be the case here. And I could tell you some horror stories about being the 16 year old who was nobody's problem and left to fend for myself. Neither are necessarily relevant here.

OP if I was you I would help him. Make it clear it's only until you move and have very clear boundaries and rules. Then spend some of that week helping him access the services that PP have said - these days - will actually help him rather than shrug their shoulders as they did with me at that age.

Not ideal when you've got the stress of moving but you sound like a kind person and yes, he's not your responsibility legally. But sometimes it falls to us to be the person who can help someone, and in a case like this, personally I would.

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/03/2022 21:31

We had this exact situation with my ex's teenage DD and her BF. He said he trusted her implicitly, he knew she was not having sex so it was fine to have him stay. The gullible fool even came home early once and caught them snuggled under a blanket in the living room and thought nothing of it. She told him years later during a fight that she'd been sleeping with her BF the whole time, and he was shocked Hmm

wingscrow · 04/03/2022 21:33

Not your problem and you could get yourself in trouble.

Let him stay a couple of nights only and in the meantime contact social services.

There might be another family member who can take him in or ss will able to find temporary accommodation for him.

And where is his mother in all this?

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/03/2022 21:34

People saying it's "intriguing" that neither his mother or father "get on" with him. Like it's so hard to comprehend that some poor kids grow up in abusive families.

It's also possible that he's such a nightmare to be around that he's even alienated his own parents.

And if he moves in with the OP he becomes her responsibility. And so will any of his resulting offspring...

Alternatively he may be lovely, but she doesn't know him. I wouldn't risk it.

Original poster
Rosebel · 04/03/2022 21:38

This is one of my major worries. I know if they want to have sex they will but I worry if he's sleeping here it'll be an invitation to them.
She's on the pill and I seriously doubt he's had loads of partners but still a risk of pregnancy or STIs.

OP posts:
SkinnyChaiLatte · 04/03/2022 21:39

@wingscrow

Not your problem and you could get yourself in trouble.

Let him stay a couple of nights only and in the meantime contact social services.

There might be another family member who can take him in or ss will able to find temporary accommodation for him.

And where is his mother in all this?

The OP has already explained about his mum.
Cosmicbird · 04/03/2022 21:51

I’m heart over head and been in similar situation so I would be letting him stay

Donson · 04/03/2022 21:56

Tricky... YANBU, it’s not your responsibility and it’s your call with what you feel comfortable with... but he’s a kid and it doesn’t sound like he has any kind of support.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 21:59

@Cosmicbird

I’m heart over head and been in similar situation so I would be letting him stay
Heart over head means prioritising the boy over your own DD.

Odd choice.

I’d be wanting to help him. But categorically not at the expense of my own DD’s wellbeing. So that means, not having a 15YO girl live with her boyfriend.

Cosmicbird · 04/03/2022 22:01

How does it mean prioritising the boy over the DD?

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2022 22:02

The insinuations that he is lying about being thrown out although there appears to be zero evidence of that. the fact that he was reported missing is a pretty good indication that he wasn’t thrown out but left.

The fact that he is furious that the OP has said he can’t move in is a major red flag and is a fairly good indication that this was probably planned.

As much as there are children who are in abusive situations there are also 16 year olds who are trouble and manipulative. The OP’s responsibility is towards her daughter. This lad might not want social services to be involved, but if he was that desperate he would accept whatever help he was offered, not become furious when the person he had in mind to carry him said no.

And people are naive if they think he will just move out when the OP moves. The argument will be that he can sleep on the couch there’s presumably no law against having people to stay in this new house, and once he’s under the OP’s roof it will be impossible to make him move out.

If he’s genuine then he will engage with the professional help available to him, not become furious if he doesn’t get his own way.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 22:02

They’d be living together. She’s 15.

That’s dysfunctional, whichever way you cut it.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 22:13

There are other ways to help that don’t mean the OP essentially throwing her own 15YO DD under the bus. Which her living with her boyfriend, would be.

Honestly @Rosebel - your gut reaction is the right one (re-read your thread title).

Once again: there are other ways to help the boy.

SoItWas · 04/03/2022 22:19

"they have met several times"

Several? Op your first instinct was right here imo, "no fucking way".

LadyPropane · 04/03/2022 22:19

However DD and her boyfriend are furious with me

Well this makes him sound like a wanker, tbh. It confirms that you made the right choice by saying no.

He needs to either get set up on his own near where he is training (which I imagine would be almost impossible at 16) or he needs to go home. Surely if his parents have reported him missing, he has in fact run away, instead of being kicked out?

It really sounds like there is so much more going on here than you have been told. If you're concerned about his welfare then the best thing you could do is contact social services.

Yellowsubhubabubbub · 04/03/2022 22:20

You’re just taking your teen daughters word for it that he’s “ furious “. He could just be disappointed/hurt/upset but as a kid himself, it’s coming out that way. So I wouldn’t worry about that bit.

If I’ve read correctly , his job is miles away anyway. He’s better getting set up closer. Can no one at his new job see him right?
If he’s a nice kid, I’d help him. It’s not great timing , no, but at least the situation will be resolved sooner rather than dragging on
He needs an “adult” until he’s pointed in the right direction.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 22:34

I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious, I haven't spoken to him

Okay, so either she's telling the truth and he really is disrespectful, or it was just "something to say".
Not that it's her decision of course, but if the second one is true then she's just made this easier for you when she carries on - because if she's not mature enough to make a coherent case for him staying, she's not mature enough either to cope with the posssible consequences

Anyway I think you've made the right decision in supporting him to get help, but not housing him - though it's interesting that not one of the "let him stay" folk have answered how a 16 year old could get sorted in just a week, or what should happen when he hasn't

TackyTart1 · 04/03/2022 22:35

I’m terrified of a nuclear war… but can’t stop googling about it.

Amnotamug · 04/03/2022 22:36

@doodleygirl

He is 16, even if you don’t let him stay, you do need to help him.
This …he does need adult support!
HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 22:37

though it's interesting that not one of the "let him stay" folk have answered how a 16 year old could get sorted in just a week, or what should happen when he hasn't

The ‘heart over head’ crowd clearly have to ignore this point, in their rush to prioritise the boy over the OP’s own DD.

Amnotamug · 04/03/2022 22:40

@HootOwl…I agree with you . Where is the compassion for a 16 year old ?

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 22:43

The OP has plenty of compassion. She has said she wants to help the boy.

But that - quite rightly - does not extend to facilitating her 15YO daughter living with her boyfriend.

That is a dysfunctional choice to make.

Swipe left for the next trending thread