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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 16:19

All he has to do is to say he has nowhere to go and you’ll have him sleeping on your couch in the new house

Yep Sad

Strange, too, that the whole thing about last night is couched as "having no choice", when the obvious thing to do was take him to an hotel. It may have meant paying, but £50 for a Travelodge before accompanying him to the council the next day could be cheap compared to the possible alternatives

ToryRussians · 07/03/2022 16:24

Awful situation OP. Poor boy being chucked out. Got to wonder at the story there .. Hope SS can help with a hostel. support etc. Your DD will get over it in time.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 07/03/2022 16:25

TBH it seems really callous to just say no.
If my DD or DS had a friend in real trouble like that I could not call the police and get them 'in the system' as homeless or a child in need BEFORE i had tried all other avenues.

Unless of course you feel that he is not trustworthy or not a good infulence or just a bad seed in general.

Can't you contact the dad or the mum and have a discussion?

If he's offering to pay you then he could possibly get a room in a sharehouse or a bedsit in/near London if his Dad will arrange it.

@RosebelI I volunteer at a homeless shelter and I could never never let someone go down that path without trying my very very best to help them stay with their head above water.

The damage that must have been caused already with his parent rejecting him. Poor kid, 16 is nowhere near adult ..... he's still learning how to think and manage himself So very sad

It is most certainly not your problem, but can you really let him slip down a path that might be very difficult to recover from?

LuaDipa · 07/03/2022 16:26

@gannett

Lots of people jumping on "furious", an inflammatory word that's at least third-hand in this situation, as a way of justifying their hard-hearted "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude towards a homeless child with at least one abusive parent.

Taking in a child in severe need isn't easy, it may be disruptive, but it's one of those moments in life where you can either step up and take on a hard task that might change someone's life for the better, or you can step back and say it's not your problem. I'm thankful for the handful of PPs who've actually done this in their lives.

And please, no guff about how giving a homeless 16-year-old a roof for 8 days will wreck OP's daughter's life (as if she couldn't get pregnant by a boyfriend she doesn't live with), or this pretence that as soon as he sets foot in the door he'll end up squatting with her for a decade. That's just inventing hypotheticals to justify the absolute cold-hearted lack of care on this thread.

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me.

This is really unfair.

Op has her own dc to think about and she knows nothing about this boy. He may well be lovely and have just fallen out with his df, but he could be abusive or worse. I would not rush to let one of my ds’s friends that I had barely met move in with us even temporarily (but there are plenty that I know well that could stay as long as they liked).

StaplesCorner · 07/03/2022 16:27

OP I have only read your posts but there are a number of youth homeless charities who could step in here - sorry if that’s already been suggested.

QuillBill · 07/03/2022 16:28

This is really unfair.
That's one way of putting it.

As it absolutely preposterous. And fucking hilarious.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/03/2022 16:31

I would not rush to let one of my ds’s friends that I had barely met move in with us even temporarily (but there are plenty that I know well that could stay as long as they liked).

That's the difference isn't it? If they've been in and out of your house for years as one of your son's friends, it might actually be doable. At least you'd know you weren't poking a giant stick into a hornets' nest. And if they did get DD pregnant, it wouldn't be quite such an absolute effing disaster.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/03/2022 16:36

@gannett if my daughter said she couldn’t forgive me if I didn’t let her bf move in with me and her young siblings when she is 16 years old I’d wonder what id raised! She’d be showing me her true self. A self that needs to learn some gratitude and respect for her parents

SpiderVersed · 07/03/2022 16:38

It is most certainly not your problem, but can you really let him slip down a path that might be very difficult to recover from

OP's autistic 13yo doesn't like him and shouldn't be subjected to his presence in her own home. He was specifically told he could not come and he caught a train to OP's house anyway. OP is on edge in her own home as well as preparing for a house move with an autistic teen and a toddler. I think she has quite enough to deal with as it is.

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 16:47

It is most certainly not your problem, but can you really let him slip down a path that might be very difficult to recover from he was told he couldn’t stay, was furious, and then got on a train and turned up at the OP’s house at a time where she felt she couldn’t refuse to let him stay.

Nobody knows anything about him other than what he’s told the OP’s daughter.

He claims he was in an abusive situation but his actions point more to his being the abusive, manipulative one than the other way around. And before someone shouts “he’s a child,” 16 year olds are perfectly capable of being abusive and manipulative.

Added to which, he apparently has no-one. No friends, no family, no workmates, nothing? Why is that? And if he has no-one, where has he been all day then? Hmm

And tbh if it was my daughter I’d be reading her the riot act as well and telling her that I’d said no, that I was the adult, and that if she had cooked up this plan with her bf for him to stay then she was way out of line and there would be consequences. I would also tell her that if he’d pressured her into this she should tell me.Either way he’d be out on his arse tonight, no questions asked.

Where he goes is not the OP’s problem. He could ring SS but he doesn’t want to. Well tough shit. It’s a fact of life that sometimes you have to rely on the authorities, and the OP isn’t responsible for him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 16:48

If he's offering to pay you then he could possibly get a room in a sharehouse or a bedsit

You might want to read OP's posts - she's already said he claims to be "out of money" so not sure what he'd pay her with?
And the police/system are already aware of him, since his dad reported him missing but said he didn't want him back, so it's not as if OP would be taking the first step here

RockinHorseShit · 07/03/2022 16:48

There are so many incredibly naive replies on this thread who clearly have no experience of teens or kids like the lad.

If this lad is genuinely abused by both separated parent & genuinely homeless, which I doubt

The OP giving him somewhere to stay does the lad no favours either as it means the council will shake their duty of care to rehouse him.

It's also incredibly detrimental to her own family

astoundedgoat · 07/03/2022 16:52

@SoTiredNeedHoliday Yesterday he had a job in London and accommodation sorted with a coworker, until for reasons unknown, he chucked it away to hop on a train into the arms of his 15 year old girlfriend.

The very best thing for him to do would be to contact wherever he was working (an apprenticeship?), apologise and get that back, and go stay with his coworker as arranged. He HAS options. He is choosing the least sensible one for his own wellbeing.

astoundedgoat · 07/03/2022 16:54

In fact, the Dad saying directly to the police that he didn't want him back (whatever the back story there is) is a concrete step towards making the council house him. By taking him in, the OP risks unravelling that.

Howshouldibehave · 07/03/2022 17:06

[quote astoundedgoat]@SoTiredNeedHoliday Yesterday he had a job in London and accommodation sorted with a coworker, until for reasons unknown, he chucked it away to hop on a train into the arms of his 15 year old girlfriend.

The very best thing for him to do would be to contact wherever he was working (an apprenticeship?), apologise and get that back, and go stay with his coworker as arranged. He HAS options. He is choosing the least sensible one for his own wellbeing.[/quote]
This!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 17:16

Yesterday he had a job in London and accommodation sorted with a coworker, until for reasons unknown, he chucked it away to hop on a train into the arms of his 15 year old girlfriend

Indeed, and that's another story which needs unravelling

@Rosebel what's your daughter's current take on the situation?

ShaneTwane · 07/03/2022 17:38

This is so ludicrous of course he cannot stay and ops own kids come first!

Op, does he not have Facebook or Instagram that you can snoop to find relatives to contact? Definitely contact social services and take him to the council first thing tomorrow morning and tell them straight he is homeless and will be sleeping rough if nothing is sorted for him.

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 18:19

He clearly wants to live with OP et al.

I predict he’ll be a cocklodger in 5 years.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 18:33

And here we have the exact opposite scenario - the OP is the parent of the teenager manipulating her boyfriend’s parents into housing, and running around after her.

But of course - it’s just not possible for teenagers to wrap adults around their little fingers. According to some posters on this thread…..

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2022 18:35

OP, I would tell him that the situation is as follows: if he stays, you're calling social services because he's making his situation your responsibility and you need to make sure that as a minor he is being properly supported.

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:15

Out the door eoth the little fucker. Police asap

Wow. And people questioned me saying that some posters were being callous.

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:18

@Rosebel

Well some of you will be thrilled to hear he is here now. He turned up last night claiming he had no money, after borrowing the train fare and nowhere to go. I'm fucking furious but what could I do? Couldn't leave him outside the door. He's jacked his course in and has applied for 2 jobs round our area. He didn't want SS involved because they let him down when his mum was abusing him.. We told him he needs to talk to the council about housing because our new house is a council house and if he lived with us we'd be overcrowded. Unfortunately I'm left stuck with the situation. I can't just kick him out with no money. Despite what others say I'm not callous. I'm hoping he's gone to the council today. It's arkward having him round. He's not an awful person but I'm pissed off he just turned up and left me in the situation I couldn't say no. I kind of feel like I can't relax or get on with him in the house.
Sorry to hear this OP and I do understand how it's not ideal for you with moving house and your younger two.

He sounds terrified and desperate. I understand his reluctance to involve SS if they have previously failed to help him when he was being abused.

That is the only option though really. I would try to be very compassionate and earn his trust a little so you can support him with that process, while keeping your boundaries firm about the fact this cannot continue beyond your moving date. If SS know that in a few days he will have nowhere to stay I'd hope that would galvanise them into action. Although given how they have failed him, me and so many others, I am not sure. One would hope they have "learned the lessons" as they always say they will.

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:19

I agree he sounds like a bully and it's even more of a reason to not want him there

He sounds like a desperate, scared child.

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:21

@sillysmiles

I'm fucking furious but what could I do? Couldn't leave him outside the door Despite what others might say, I don't think you could do anything else. But try to remember this is upsetting for you, but he'd only a kid and is not able to see rational options for himself. While you might feel pushed into having him there, try to take the emotion out of it. Give it a day or two to settle and then talk to him. Explain that this is a stopgap and he needs a plan. And help him see the pit falls of his plans - unfortunately at the moment you are the most adult adult he has in his life.

He didn't want SS involved because they let him down when his mum was abusing him
I think that is understandable from his past experiences but may help in getting him accommodation?

He's not an awful person but I'm pissed off he just turned up and left me in the situation I couldn't say no. Just remember he didn't create this situation and is a victim here of shitty parents. And while it's not your job or responsibility to help him now, it is the decent thing to do.
That may not be staying indefinitely, but giving him a safe place to land until he can get sorted. I would make it clear though - that this is not permanent.

^^ All of this.
HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:22

@AlternativePerspective

Just remember he didn't create this situation and is a victim here of shitty parents. And while it's not your job or responsibility to help him now, it is the decent thing to do. you have no idea whether that’s true.

What we do know about him is that he’s controlling, he’s manipulative, he’s abusive, he gets what he wants by forcing himself on people. What about when he wants sex with the OP’s dd. Will he manipulate his way into that as well?

The OP only has his word that he’s a victim of abuse. But his actions say differently.

A desperate kid who has been abused seeking shelter indicates that they're likely to be a rapist? Really?!