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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
RandomUser10093 · 07/03/2022 13:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Migrainesbythedozen · 07/03/2022 13:28

[quote ChiefWiggumsBoy]@Migrainesbythedozen I think you need to read all OP's posts. She's been properly lambasted by a lot of people for saying no - and then he showed up late on a Sunday.

I don't disagree with her not kicking him out then but I do think she needs a firm stance now. I don't think your posts are very fair though considering everything else she's said here.[/quote]
@ChiefWiggumsBoy Um, I HAVE read all the OP's posts. Including her latest when she caved. Which is specifically what my post was about. Her latest one. I stand by everything she said. She need to adult here and kick him out. I'd even call the police and remove him if I had to, anything to get him out. But she let him stay. Just as he knew she would.

RandomUser10093 · 07/03/2022 13:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Blossom64265 · 07/03/2022 13:31

You need to explain to him that living with you permanently puts too much pressure on him and your dd to maintain a relationship before they are ready for that commitment. They will both protest that they could handle breaking up and living together, but you have to be the voice of experience and point out that never works.

If he can’t come up with a housing plan in the next day or two, he should call social services himself.

Rachie1973 · 07/03/2022 13:32

@Rosebel

The police can't do much can they? At 16 he doesn't have to return home and I'm not sure they'll help me chuck a 16 year old with no money out on the streets. Fuck! I can barely cope with this shit. My 13 year old doesn't like him and toddler is totally baffled. Was trying to keep things calm before the upheaval of moving.
I’ve had a few teens come stay with me over the years.

From experience you have to inform anyone that will listen that the time he can stay with you is limited or they will just ignore it.

Put it in writing. Repeat, write again, repeat date he must leave by. They will put him somewhere, the onus is on him whether to accept or leave that too. Make it clear he cannot return though. To HIM, your DD, the Council AND social services.

Xxx

escapingthecity · 07/03/2022 13:33

Totally with you OP. This boy has deliberately put you in a very difficult position. You are absolutely right to think that you must put your children first.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 13:34

Where are all the posters now who said he can’t just force his way and in stay without the OP’s consent?

As predicted, that’s exactly what’s happened.

As I recall, those posters said it was ‘the wrong side of crazy’ to insinuate this could happen.

Really not that crazy, after all.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 13:35

I'm hoping he's gone to the council today

You're hoping he's gone to the council??

In an emergency like this I'd have been right there with him, and far from "having no choice" last night I'd have sucked up the price of a cheap hotel and then met him at the council offices this morning

I also wonder how much your DD had to do with his sudden decision to turn up ... quite a coincidence that he's tried to force your arm just at the point you were saying no

WallaceinAnderland · 07/03/2022 13:37

@Rosebel

The police can't do much can they? At 16 he doesn't have to return home and I'm not sure they'll help me chuck a 16 year old with no money out on the streets. Fuck! I can barely cope with this shit. My 13 year old doesn't like him and toddler is totally baffled. Was trying to keep things calm before the upheaval of moving.
Really? So anyone aged 16 can move into your house and you wouldn't do anything about it? Hmm

This happened to a family member of mine. The kid moved in and soon his local friends were coming round too. And they were a varied bunch. If you're going to let him stay, that's your choice, just own it. Lock your valuables away OP.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/03/2022 13:42

If he can’t come up with a housing plan in the next day or two, he should call social services himself.

Given that he's now applying for jobs near where the OP lives, I think he had a plan and now thinks he doesn't need another one.

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 13:43

@Feedingthebirds1

If he can’t come up with a housing plan in the next day or two, he should call social services himself.

Given that he's now applying for jobs near where the OP lives, I think he had a plan and now thinks he doesn't need another one.

This is a very good point... Op he's fully intending on staying with you if there's nobody in your local area he can stay with other than you and he's applying for jobs there
Angliski · 07/03/2022 13:44

Sounds a nightmare op. I had nowhere to go at 17 too. Ss quite quickly helped me with benefits etc but that was over 20 years ago. Can you explain you could keep him company on the calls etc but that he has to take their help just now?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 13:46

Given that he's now applying for jobs near where the OP lives, I think he had a plan and now thinks he doesn't need another one

Quite - but as I've said, having him to stay is OP's choice and I only hope she can live with what the consequences could easily be

LookItsMeAgain · 07/03/2022 13:53

Are you sure that your DD didn't say to her boyfriend "Sure, just turn up on Monday and say that you've got no money and no where to go. Mum isn't the type to turn someone away who is actually standing on our doorstep"???

Whether they want it to happen or not, you being the adult here, you should contact Social Services and get them to help him here. Both this kid and your daughter relinquished the right to have a say in the matter when this was landed on your lap. Deal with it now and get the authorities involved if necessary.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 07/03/2022 13:55

It's fairly clear he and your daughter agreed that if he just shows up it would make you feel like you had to house him.

I would say to him that you move in 8 days and he cannot move with you so you will contact social services if he isn't able to return home or stay with relatives.

The fact that he's applying for jobs locally means he and your daughter have simply decided he's staying with you now and the fact you said no is irrelevant.

RockinHorseShit · 07/03/2022 13:55

So what he wants, you ring SS & now. This is not your responsibility & he sounds very manipulative

We had a similar issue with a 15yo "friend" of DDs, feigned abuse, ran away from home frequently. We only had her a few days, but my gawd it was enough to see why her DM might lose it with her, she was a rude entitled, thriving & manipulative nightmare.

3 years later, DD wonders why she was ever friends with her

Girl was given accommodation by SS, but sort of a supported lodger set up, until they could get her into a supported housing complex

RockinHorseShit · 07/03/2022 13:57

Thieving

secondchancesaloon1974 · 07/03/2022 14:00

Not your issue. Don't let it be your issue. You will regret it

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/03/2022 14:00

No. I have told him that he can't stay because of the house and because it's too much pressure on their relationship and because it's not fair on the other children.
I could not just leave him on the street last night.
He's been out of the house all day, both DDs are at school (I double checked) and we can't have him here long term.
So if he isn't out by Monday he'll have to go and sit in the council office until they house him.
Been at work today but will be calling SS later today.

OP posts:
Wauden · 07/03/2022 14:05

Your daughter is 15!

Rewis · 07/03/2022 14:08

So his only family is 2 abusive parents, no extended family at all and no friend? Only his gf?

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 14:10

I'd be interested to know where he's been all day with no money and nobody in the area who can support him

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/03/2022 14:12

@Wauden

Your daughter is 15!
Yes she's 15, hence the reason in a week wherever he's living it won't be with us.
OP posts:
Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 07/03/2022 14:18

Rosebel

You need to get him out of your house asap. Regardless of his age look at his actions

He was furious you said no to let him live with you.

He's then come to your house anyway knowing it would be near impossible for you today no once he was at your door

I don't care how old he is he sounds manipulative and entitled. Id get him out of my house asap. No means no it doesnt mean travel and turn up anyway. Windows he think he is?

Your daughter needs to end this relationship as clearly he doesn't take no for an answer and forces his presence upon people

And all the posters who were saying they hope he doesn't end up on the streets because of OP ect. She's not his mum or dad and has no duty to house him

I'd be absolutely furious if he came to my door after being told no

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 14:21

I wouldn’t give him a week.

He would be out tonight.

There’s no way you’re going to be able to get rid of him unless you stand firm now.

He managed to get you to cave last night. All he has to do is to say he has nowhere to go and you’ll have him sleeping on your couch in the new house.

Honestly OP you need to harden your heart here. He very likely isn’t being abused at all, it’s probably all made up because he’s not getting his way at home so has walked out.

He has no family or friends yet he’s been out all day? Where?

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