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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 12:33

The police can't do much can they? At 16 he doesn't have to return home and I'm not sure they'll help me chuck a 16 year old with no money out on the streets. they absolutely will. Aside from which if he’s been reported to them as missing they will have more of an idea of the actual details here than he is telling you.

Harassment is a crime and that is what he’s guilty of. The police will hopefully remove him from your home and take him down to the council if he’s genuinely homeless, or home if he’s a runaway, which I suspect he is.

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 12:35

@Rosebel

The police can't do much can they? At 16 he doesn't have to return home and I'm not sure they'll help me chuck a 16 year old with no money out on the streets. Fuck! I can barely cope with this shit. My 13 year old doesn't like him and toddler is totally baffled. Was trying to keep things calm before the upheaval of moving.
OP they can get him out and in touch with social services if you insist he leaves and he refuses.

Your 13 year old doesn't like him and they should be allowed to feel comfortable in their own home.

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 12:35

Why doesn’t your 13 year old like him?

You live in a very small property… correct? The teens share a room?

Pinkbonbon · 07/03/2022 12:39

Out the door eoth the little fucker. Police asap

It was obvious from way back when your daughter said he was angry he couldn't stay (your first post).

You are letting someone nasty stay I you home near your children. It's mental.

You need to put your daughter on the freedom programme too. Because for some reason, she has already picked an abuser.

You need yo make it clear you love her enough not to allow abusive men in your home. Get him gone and then seriously start referring her to reading to spot abusive men. Because I guarantee you, she is in an abusive relationship. And in letting him stay, you are allowing him constant access to her. She doesn't gave breathing space to think 'hang on, his behaviour isn't OK with me'. Which is what he wants.

Police asap.

starfishmummy · 07/03/2022 12:43

I suspect the only way you can be sure he's co tasted social services is if you stand over him while he calls them, or if you take him.

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 12:47

Why doesn’t your 13 year old like him?
Well, the fact he has imposed himself into her home is a good enough start.

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 12:48

@AlternativePerspective

Why doesn’t your 13 year old like him? Well, the fact he has imposed himself into her home is a good enough start.
Yes

Fair enough!

But if there’s more to it - should make motivation to get him out even stronger

gamerchick · 07/03/2022 12:56

You've had a virtual stranger force his way into the house. It's obviously been cooked up by him and your daughter. He won't leave, you need to make him. Ring the police, they'll take him home once you've made it clear he can't stay.

HollowTalk · 07/03/2022 13:00

I'm afraid I wouldn't let him stay. I'd contact social services right now and tell them about it and tell them that he's not able to stay with you. They will have to find foster care for him - his dad will have to answer to them. I feel for the boy but he's not behaving at all well with you.

marmalade32 · 07/03/2022 13:02

Yeah you need him out. Turning up was manipulative . Ring police or social services avd say you don't want him there. They will find him somewhere. They've been together 6 months and he's not your problem. Seriously. I know a few on here have said you're basically the devil but you are absolutely not. Why should it be you? You have other kids. No. I agree with you. He's not your problem. At 16 as and /or police will find him somewhere. Good luck. Tell him to leave then ring police.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 07/03/2022 13:02

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sillysmiles · 07/03/2022 13:07

I'm fucking furious but what could I do? Couldn't leave him outside the door
Despite what others might say, I don't think you could do anything else.
But try to remember this is upsetting for you, but he'd only a kid and is not able to see rational options for himself. While you might feel pushed into having him there, try to take the emotion out of it. Give it a day or two to settle and then talk to him. Explain that this is a stopgap and he needs a plan. And help him see the pit falls of his plans - unfortunately at the moment you are the most adult adult he has in his life.

He didn't want SS involved because they let him down when his mum was abusing him
I think that is understandable from his past experiences but may help in getting him accommodation?

He's not an awful person but I'm pissed off he just turned up and left me in the situation I couldn't say no. Just remember he didn't create this situation and is a victim here of shitty parents. And while it's not your job or responsibility to help him now, it is the decent thing to do.
That may not be staying indefinitely, but giving him a safe place to land until he can get sorted. I would make it clear though - that this is not permanent.

Crazycrazylady · 07/03/2022 13:08

Honestly I'm laughing at all the people who of course would let a 16 year male stranger move into their home for as long as they would need it,

I think when its the reality facing you, its very different,

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 13:08

TBH you need to ring the police and SS because they will know the whole story and not just the bits that he’s chosen to tel you which may well all be made up as far as you’re aware.

His being thrown out and then staying in a hotel then quitting his course to turn up on your doorstep just doesn’t ring true to me. Far more likely that he’s trouble and you and your kids are about to be landed in the middle of it.

I wouldn’t let him ring social services, I would ring them and make it very clear that he won’t be staying in your house.

And I would do everything in my power to keep your daughter away from him.

She’s 15. She’s under age, and he’s manipulative and controlling. He’s not a nice person, and your daughter deserves better.

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 13:10

Just remember he didn't create this situation and is a victim here of shitty parents. And while it's not your job or responsibility to help him now, it is the decent thing to do. you have no idea whether that’s true.

What we do know about him is that he’s controlling, he’s manipulative, he’s abusive, he gets what he wants by forcing himself on people. What about when he wants sex with the OP’s dd. Will he manipulate his way into that as well?

The OP only has his word that he’s a victim of abuse. But his actions say differently.

uggmum · 07/03/2022 13:11

My ds's girlfriend started staying at ours for around 3 nights a week when she was 15.
She moved in permanently when she was 16.
They were both school age and doing their gcse exams.
They are now both 19 and at university (living together). But their home is here and they stay here during the uni holidays.
We have always treated her as a Daughter. She is our 3rd child. She wants to be known as that and I expect family members to respect that.
She does have a parent and a very large family. A min of 11siblings. But she also has had a life of many challenges. Her life story would upset you.
I have a good relationship with her Mum and siblings.
It hasn't been without issues over the years but I wouldn't change it

Dillydollydingdong · 07/03/2022 13:11

No, he's not your responsibility. Just say no.

Migrainesbythedozen · 07/03/2022 13:12

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Rooroobear · 07/03/2022 13:13

I can’t believe you’re getting stuck for not allowing him to stay in your home. I’m with you op. I would be totally uncomfortable and it would definitely be a no from me. Make it clear he will not be stopping when you move and he has to find somewhere or talk to ss end if. You’re making a rod for your own back.

Migrainesbythedozen · 07/03/2022 13:13

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HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 13:16

No need to give the OP a hard time - she’s in a shit situation.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 07/03/2022 13:17

@Migrainesbythedozen I think you need to read all OP's posts. She's been properly lambasted by a lot of people for saying no - and then he showed up late on a Sunday.

I don't disagree with her not kicking him out then but I do think she needs a firm stance now. I don't think your posts are very fair though considering everything else she's said here.

Pinkbonbon · 07/03/2022 13:19

@uggmum

My ds's girlfriend started staying at ours for around 3 nights a week when she was 15. She moved in permanently when she was 16. They were both school age and doing their gcse exams. They are now both 19 and at university (living together). But their home is here and they stay here during the uni holidays. We have always treated her as a Daughter. She is our 3rd child. She wants to be known as that and I expect family members to respect that. She does have a parent and a very large family. A min of 11siblings. But she also has had a life of many challenges. Her life story would upset you. I have a good relationship with her Mum and siblings. It hasn't been without issues over the years but I wouldn't change it
Thats lovely, but it's completely nothing like ops scenario.

Would you move a random man into your home where your daughters live? Would you allow him to stay if he started acting like he owned the place?

He may technically still be a kid, but At 16, if he isn't already bigger and stronger than op, he will be soon.

And having had an abusive relationship at 17 with a 16 year old, I can assure you they are more than capable of being abusive little bastards.

PineappleWilson · 07/03/2022 13:22

OP, you're doing the right thing. Start every conversation with support services that you make with "I'm moving house in 8 days so we can't accommodate him". You have enough on your plate.

petalsandstars · 07/03/2022 13:26

You need to ring the police and tell them he’s been kicked out by his parents. It’s the responsibility of social services to house him but often they need to be pushed into it and the police can aid with that.

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