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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 23:10

"Why would you then write this? confused"

You didn't say you picked homeless people from the street. Homeless includes friends who happen to be sofa surfing.

Arabellla · 06/03/2022 23:34

@HootOwl i don’t believe you have taken homeless people in. People who do things like that don’t tend to say anyone who doesn’t do the same are not ‘decent’. Very judgemental.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 06/03/2022 23:55

@HootOwl - you are taking a very binary approach with this.

You are assuming - apropos of nothing - that because people are saying that they think the OP is doing the right thing by not taking her 15YO daughter’s boyfriend in (but should help him in other ways), that they ‘lack compassion’ and are ‘unempathetic’.

You have absolutely no idea of the sorts of things people on this thread do in their wider lives that, should you get a glimpse, would send these notions of yours out of the window.

That many on this thread don’t think housing this boy is in the best interests of the OP, her daughter and her other children, means nothing - other than they’d make a different judgment call on this particular issue to you.

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 02:39

[quote Arabellla]@HootOwl i don’t believe you have taken homeless people in. People who do things like that don’t tend to say anyone who doesn’t do the same are not ‘decent’. Very judgemental.[/quote]
I haven't said that.

And I do not care what you believe.

I would like to point out however, that accusing people you do not know of lying is a bit much and very rude, and that this is an anonymous forum so there would be little point in lying as far as I can see? What benefit would there be from making something up?! Confused

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 02:42

[quote HoneyItIsntGoodLuck]@HootOwl - you are taking a very binary approach with this.

You are assuming - apropos of nothing - that because people are saying that they think the OP is doing the right thing by not taking her 15YO daughter’s boyfriend in (but should help him in other ways), that they ‘lack compassion’ and are ‘unempathetic’.

You have absolutely no idea of the sorts of things people on this thread do in their wider lives that, should you get a glimpse, would send these notions of yours out of the window.

That many on this thread don’t think housing this boy is in the best interests of the OP, her daughter and her other children, means nothing - other than they’d make a different judgment call on this particular issue to you.[/quote]
Hilarious comment, "You have no idea what people on this thread do in their wider lives" when the poster immediately before you - who has no idea about my life obviously - accused me of lying. Nor did I say any of the things you are claiming that I said.

This can be a very odd place sometimes.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 03:04

Nor did I say any of the things you are claiming that I said.

They’re there on the thread in black and white for all to see.

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 08:41

@HootOwl

I haven't said that.

So you didn't say anyone decent would take him in?

And I do not care what you believe.
I would like to point out however, that accusing people you do not know of lying is a bit much and very rude, and that this is an anonymous forum so there would be little point in lying as far as I can see? What benefit would there be from making something up?! confused

It's also very rude to say people who wouldn't take this boy in are not 'decent'.

And people lie on anonymous forums every day.

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/03/2022 11:32

Well some of you will be thrilled to hear he is here now. He turned up last night claiming he had no money, after borrowing the train fare and nowhere to go.
I'm fucking furious but what could I do? Couldn't leave him outside the door. He's jacked his course in and has applied for 2 jobs round our area.
He didn't want SS involved because they let him down when his mum was abusing him.. We told him he needs to talk to the council about housing because our new house is a council house and if he lived with us we'd be overcrowded.
Unfortunately I'm left stuck with the situation. I can't just kick him out with no money. Despite what others say I'm not callous.
I'm hoping he's gone to the council today. It's arkward having him round. He's not an awful person but I'm pissed off he just turned up and left me in the situation I couldn't say no. I kind of feel like I can't relax or get on with him in the house.

OP posts:
Philisophigal · 07/03/2022 11:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Howshouldibehave · 07/03/2022 11:47

He's jacked his course in and has applied for 2 jobs round our area.

Blimey-so even if he gets one of those 2 jobs, he’ll not be earning for at least 6 weeks!

Just because he stayed last night, doesn’t mean he has to stay with you any more nights.

I would ring social services now-this isn’t fair on you or your other kids.

WaterTheBasil · 07/03/2022 11:50

Oh god. Sorry you have been pushed into this. Thanks Moving house is hard enough at the best of times.

I agree with @Philisophigal that he can not want SS involved but they need to be involved. Surely he can't just think he can just move in with you and you will just keep him. Although sixteen year olds can't really see far beyond themselves in my experience anyway.

ScribblingPixie · 07/03/2022 11:51

Ring social services, OP. This is spiralling.

Philisophigal · 07/03/2022 11:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 11:56

His wishes regarding SS do not matter now that he has turned up at your door. I would be calling them asap.

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 12:01

That's really awful that he's turned up at your door. He's forced his way in.

I'd call social services yourself OP if you can't be certain he will have.

He doesn't want them to get involved but he can't even afford his keep now.

gamerchick · 07/03/2022 12:17

I'd be ringing the police me. He needs to go back to his dad's. Now you know why he's not there. Bolshy and takes what he wants

billy1966 · 07/03/2022 12:19

@Arabellla

His wishes regarding SS do not matter now that he has turned up at your door. I would be calling them asap.
OP,

You are being bullied now.

This is not your issue.

I would not be accepting this.

Contact SS and direct him to the nearest police station if necessary.

This is not your load to take on.

It is extremely manipulative to just turn up.

You are being pushed by him into a situation you do not want.

Don not accept this.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/03/2022 12:20

I agree he sounds like a bully and it's even more of a reason to not want him there

billy1966 · 07/03/2022 12:22

Stop listening to a 16 year old.

He doesn't get a say about what you, and adult think is right.

You have a huge load to carry, enough.

Your daughter needs telling clearly that her boyfriend is not your responsibility to house.

Hankunamatata · 07/03/2022 12:24

Sorry but I'd be straight onto social services now to get some advice. He has made this your concern by tipping up on your doorstep.

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/03/2022 12:25

The police can't do much can they? At 16 he doesn't have to return home and I'm not sure they'll help me chuck a 16 year old with no money out on the streets.
Fuck! I can barely cope with this shit.
My 13 year old doesn't like him and toddler is totally baffled.
Was trying to keep things calm before the upheaval of moving.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/03/2022 12:25

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_16_and_17_year_olds

This might be of help

At the end of the day your teen dd needs her own space to have a healthy teenage relationship.

Hankunamatata · 07/03/2022 12:29

You need to get him down to housing department today and declare him homeless. There a link here for your nearest office if your in England

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/get_help_from_the_council/how_to_ask_the_council_for_help

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 12:31

I would ring the police and social services.

And yes, I would throw the little fucker out. How dare he?

Now that he’s under your roof he no longer has a say in whether social services become involved.

Although I might be inclined to ring them and the police without telling him, because there’s every chance he may be violent and you and your DC could be at risk.

If he genuinely has had dealings with SS then they will be aware of him. But somehow I doubt that.

irishfarmer · 07/03/2022 12:31

What a mess. Did his dad ever respond to your messages?

You said he is originally from your area, his mam isn't an option, but are there any grandparents/ Uncles/ Aunts/ 3rd cousins 5 times removed! I don't know much about council housing so could be wrong, but this will be an issue for you when moving if you are "over-crowded"