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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 05/03/2022 17:40

Wonderberry
I really hope this poor boy isn't on the streets as a result of the OP refusing to allow him in.
Because of me? I didn't kick him out of his home

Don’t listen to idiot posts like this OP. Perhaps Wonderberry could put your DD’s bf up if they are so concerned about him.

AlternativePerspective · 05/03/2022 18:15

I really hope this poor boy isn't on the streets as a result of the OP refusing to allow him in. he’s in a hotel. Aside from which, if he ends up on the streets it won’t be because of the OP, it will be because of whatever situation he’s in with his parents. He’s their responsibility, not the OP’s.

OP has a disabled child and a toddler as well as a 15 year old, but hey, OP should be prioritising some boy she barely knows who alleges he’s been thrown out in spite of the fact he was reported missing, has the funds to stay in a hotel,and is furious the OP has said no to him staying.

Added to which, if he’s not a bad lad, what if the parents are? Should the OP be prepared to put herself and her children at risk from either the boy or the parents?

AlternativePerspective · 05/03/2022 18:17

@ Rosebel is there any further update on this situation? Did the dad get back to you or is the boy still kicking off because you’ve said no?

LondonQueen · 05/03/2022 18:35

Poor lad, I wouldn't have him in my home either though, definitely not with younger children. Please phone SS who will sort him emergency accommodation. He's still a child.

HootOwl · 05/03/2022 21:43

[quote Arabellla]@EmpressCixi

Eat your hat then, because I did take in a homeless 16yr old when their dad kicked them out the house. They lived with us for nine months until a foster place was found for them in local school catchment.

I wasn’t talking to you. My comment was in respect of that poster taking this boy in in OP’s circumstances.[/quote]
How can anyone prove that to you? By definition none of us are in the OP's exact circumstances because only the OP is in her own circumstances by definition. Hmm Posters can only answer the question posed which was what is a reasonable approach here and what other posters would do/ have done in similar situations. Then when people respond with an answer some of you don't like they're accused of lying. Confused

Greengagesnfennel · 05/03/2022 21:57

"No, this is a bad thing to do, because it puts your child in the situation it’s impossible to dump him"

^this

Doratheexploret · 05/03/2022 21:58

No no no no no just no!

Original poster
Rosebel · 05/03/2022 22:17

No word from his dad yet. I have spoken to her boyfriend though I have offered to phone SS for him but he seems reluctant and if he won't engage with them I'm not sure they'll be able to help him.
More positively he's going back to work on Monday and will be staying with his workmate.
Both seem to have calmed down, maybe because he's settled a bit.
I'm not sure whether to call SS if he's not on board. Will they insist on supporting him?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/03/2022 22:22

@Rosebel

No word from his dad yet. I have spoken to her boyfriend though I have offered to phone SS for him but he seems reluctant and if he won't engage with them I'm not sure they'll be able to help him. More positively he's going back to work on Monday and will be staying with his workmate. Both seem to have calmed down, maybe because he's settled a bit. I'm not sure whether to call SS if he's not on board. Will they insist on supporting him?
No, but he's going to need to feed and house himself adequately off his own bat at some point. So it would be to his advantage if he engages with them.
skodadoda · 06/03/2022 07:23

@gannett

Lots of people jumping on "furious", an inflammatory word that's at least third-hand in this situation, as a way of justifying their hard-hearted "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude towards a homeless child with at least one abusive parent.

Taking in a child in severe need isn't easy, it may be disruptive, but it's one of those moments in life where you can either step up and take on a hard task that might change someone's life for the better, or you can step back and say it's not your problem. I'm thankful for the handful of PPs who've actually done this in their lives.

And please, no guff about how giving a homeless 16-year-old a roof for 8 days will wreck OP's daughter's life (as if she couldn't get pregnant by a boyfriend she doesn't live with), or this pretence that as soon as he sets foot in the door he'll end up squatting with her for a decade. That's just inventing hypotheticals to justify the absolute cold-hearted lack of care on this thread.

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me.

This is a very judgmental post. OP is offering help. Those of you criticising her seem to be dismissive of the fact that he’s her 15 year old DD’s boyfriend. True, he is still a child and should be the responsibility of his parents or SS.
girlmom21 · 06/03/2022 07:27

You can't help someone who won't accept help OP.

It's particularly strange he was furious you can't house him but won't engage with people who can.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 14:35

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me.

What an unpleasant piece of emotional blackmail that is. Are you trying to force the OP to do something she is not in a position to do? For shame.

There are plenty of people way ahead of the OP in the queue for any responsibility for this young man:

Parents.

Older siblings.
Grandparents.

Uncles and Aunts.
First cousins.
His boss at work.

Actual schoolfriends.

Not the mother of a girl he has seen 'a few times'. If all of the above have ducked the issue, you do have to ask yourself why....

AlternativePerspective · 06/03/2022 16:04

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me. what a load of sanctimonious bullshit.

I suspect that when the daughter and this lad have split up in 5 minutes time she will be glad he’s not living under her roof.

And I bet that when the daughter is an adult she will absolutely understand why her mother didn’t take in her boyfriend of 5 minutes.

lljkk · 06/03/2022 18:29

I had a sobering conversation with a 17yo beggar in London, last year. That lad came across as so vulnerable but perfectly sober & sensible, on the street because waiting for social housing.

In OP's shoes I'd be minded to house him because friend did similar and zero regrets. Problem is OP's lad needs to stay in London, that's where his course is. He can' t be leaving. And OP doesn't have the room long term, anyway. Plus of course, point out that it's too much for their relationship.

Persuade them to let you phone SS on his behalf. There's a lot you can do that isn't housing him, give them that adult support to think creatively how to help him out.

Landedonfeet · 06/03/2022 19:13

I just don’t get this

MY children come FIRST.
Always
Always

The op has said that she has a child with autism, and a toddler and space is obviously very tight of her 15 yr old daughter is already sharing with her sister.

Not. A. Chance I would destabilise my children, especially if I had an autistic child.

My child. First. Second. Third and last

HootOwl · 06/03/2022 22:27

@AlternativePerspective

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me. what a load of sanctimonious bullshit.

I suspect that when the daughter and this lad have split up in 5 minutes time she will be glad he’s not living under her roof.

And I bet that when the daughter is an adult she will absolutely understand why her mother didn’t take in her boyfriend of 5 minutes.

How is it 5 mins? Per the OP they were together a while then he moved and even then they have stayed together.
QuillBill · 06/03/2022 22:30

Oh, and if I was OP's daughter, I would never forget this and probably never forgive it. I'd think, my mother's just revealed who she is to me.

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin
Brilliant.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 22:34

How is it 5 mins? Per the OP they were together a while then he moved and even then they have stayed together.

The daughter is... Drum rolllllllll...... 15. How many relationships at age 15 actually go the distance?

HootOwl · 06/03/2022 22:35

There are plenty of people way ahead of the OP in the queue for any responsibility for this young man:

Parents. The OP said his mother has abused him and now NC. The father threw a 16 year old out with nowhereto go so is also abusive. Much as these should be the people to help him, many kids don't have that luxury if caring and responsible parents.

Older siblings. May have missed it but where did OP say he has any? Also a bit of a leapto assume they are able to help, especially if they grew up in a similar environment.

Grandparents. No evidence in the OP that they exist or have any contact with the kid, if they do. Or if they do, would be able to help him.
Uncles and Aunts. As above
First cousins. As above
His boss at work. What?!?!
Actual schoolfriends. Given they're probably all the same age as him, and the shockingly callous attitudes on this thread, presumably most/ all of their parents would refuse to help him also.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 22:39

Older siblings. May have missed it but where did OP say he has any?

No, she didn't. She doesn't know him well enough to know if he has any. Doesn't that tell you anything?

How do you find looking after that household of homeless people you've invited to stay with you? All calm and problem free?

HootOwl · 06/03/2022 22:40

@SpaceshiptoMars

How is it 5 mins? Per the OP they were together a while then he moved and even then they have stayed together.

The daughter is... Drum rolllllllll...... 15. How many relationships at age 15 actually go the distance?

Nobody has said it should or will?

They are saying that this person is important to her now. Several months of relationship is not "5 minutes" in your teens.

She's asked her mum to help short-term.

Any decent person would. The alrernative in terms of the impact on the homeless kid and on the daughter and her relationship with her mother are likely much worse, if there is no other option.

Thankfully it seems the OP and the boy have found another option so the point is moot in this case.

HootOwl · 06/03/2022 22:42

@SpaceshiptoMars

Older siblings. May have missed it but where did OP say he has any?

No, she didn't. She doesn't know him well enough to know if he has any. Doesn't that tell you anything?

How do you find looking after that household of homeless people you've invited to stay with you? All calm and problem free?

As I said earlier in the thread I was that abused and thrown out child at 16. I have actually put people up who are homeless, yes. For some time if needed, 3 different people over the years. It's basic compassion.

Like a poster said upthread ^^ this isn't the "gotcha" you think it is.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 22:49

Hootowl, the OP has responsibilities a plenty of her own. A toddler, an autistic child, and a headstrong 15 year old. And she is packing up her home to leave in, ooh, about 5 days now. It really, really, is not her problem.

What you do is up to you. But I'm sure you don't give houseroom to people you don't know from Adam, homeless or otherwise. I, on the other hand, have done - so I'm well aware of some of the risks.

HootOwl · 06/03/2022 22:55

@SpaceshiptoMars

Hootowl, the OP has responsibilities a plenty of her own. A toddler, an autistic child, and a headstrong 15 year old. And she is packing up her home to leave in, ooh, about 5 days now. It really, really, is not her problem.

What you do is up to you. But I'm sure you don't give houseroom to people you don't know from Adam, homeless or otherwise. I, on the other hand, have done - so I'm well aware of some of the risks.

I've specifically said that I have done that yes.

I am autistic. I have children with autism and ADHD. They are actually (like most people with these conditions seem to be) much more empathetic than average and want to help people, and get a lot of satisfaction from that.

I'm sorry that you don't and you have this mentality. But that doesn't mean people who think, and yes - BEHAVE - differently to you should not be allowed to comment on the thread. Or attacked for doing so just because some of us have a more compassionate approach to these types of situations. They usually will occur only a few times in your whole life - where you happen to be the person it falls to, to help - and I find it hard to understand why somebody wouldn't. In those rare circumstances like this. But as you say, people are different.

HootOwl · 06/03/2022 22:58

But I'm sure you don't give houseroom to people you don't know from Adam, homeless or otherwise. I, on the other hand, have done - so I'm well aware of some of the risks.

Based on what? When I told you in my post before this one that I have done exactly that. Why would you then write this? Confused