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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 04/03/2022 12:49

Well done OP for taking a stand.

You can be absolutely certain that if HE had plans for his birthday weekend, the ex would have got a hard ‘no’ to her request.

RedHelenB · 04/03/2022 12:50

Stick to your plans and don't be a martyr. He agreed to have his other children stay so up to him to manage.

Motherhubbardscupboard · 04/03/2022 12:50

Am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for him, i don't think he's being an arse. This is a dad who doesn't live with his kids who's having to turn down additional contact time so I understand why he said yes. I do see that if he expects you to be there that is unfair so he either needs to do it himself or make it up to you another time.

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2022 12:51

You are nbu at all. But if mum takes sc to see this person, social will get involved. Dad could be asked to take kids full time ? You have a dh problem mainly as he knew your plans and said yes to ex… who may have been game playing.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:51

@UtterSocks

Why can’t the ex take the kids to her mum’s? Doesn’t she help care for her grandkids? She sounds a selfish bitch tbh, but your husband is weak for giving in to her on your birthday. I’d be fuming if my partner did this and I’d tell him in no uncertain terms to tell his ex to choose a different weekend or else you are going to stay in a hotel with a friend.
It's somebody who lives with her mum who's the problem, or should I say 'used to' live there as she claims he's no longer there.

If it is indeed true that he's no longer there then there's no reason she can't take the kids.

The fact she wants us to have them, to enable her going there, says to me that the unsafe person is still there.

Why she wants anything to do with people who condone child abuse is beyond me but there we are.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:51

@Motherhubbardscupboard

Am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for him, i don't think he's being an arse. This is a dad who doesn't live with his kids who's having to turn down additional contact time so I understand why he said yes. I do see that if he expects you to be there that is unfair so he either needs to do it himself or make it up to you another time.
He wouldn't have to turn down contact time if he was a competent father.
MrsMingech · 04/03/2022 12:52

Theres a lot of people on here that have no experienced a child with ADHD.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:53

@tantrumsandnappies

Tbh I think you're both taking the piss! If he genuinely cannot cope with looking after all of HIS children at once, number 1 he shouldn't be having more than he can cope with, number 2 shouldn't have agreed to have all children at once

And I say this as someone who's ex regularly ruined my birthday and every other event I needed to be at, including my df funeral because his girlfriends birthday is the day after mine and of course her and their dc came before me and our dc. When in reality they shouldn't, he has more than one child in different houses and he needs to be able to accommodate and be a parent to all of his children
So I would be absolutely livid if my ex agreed to look after our dc decided that because his partner felt uncomfortable leaving her child with him if they were there and told me must change my plans to suit her and I have been in this exact situation, only last week when he decided that on the day he just wouldn't turn up to collect them and left me without any form of childcare.

And the fact that you're saying that his ex needs to cancel her plans, because you don't feel comfortable leaving your child with its father whilst her children are there, isn't exactly going to go down well is it? What gives you that right?
You're needs don't trump hers, just because someone else might help her clearly she is struggling and your dp needs to step up and be a parent.
Because if that was my dc they would no longer be coming to your house and their would need to make other arrangements to see them, as I wouldn't be happy with them constantly being scrutinised and being watched over all the time because you don't really want them getting rowdy with your dc, their siblings.

You wouldn't be happy with their behaviour being scrutinised if that behaviour resulted in toddlers being injured.

Are you one of those parents who's little darlings can do no wrong? They've just caused head injuries to a toddler, oh well nevermind accidents happen.

Righto.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/03/2022 12:54

@RuRue

I have no issue leaving youngest with him when it's just our children, he copes just fine.

It's having all 6 at once that is the problem. The older ones are too rowdy, don't listen and somebody always ends up getting hurt.

Then going forward, that needs addressing by both of you.

You also need to stop being a mug. He only does things because he's allowed to,

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:55

@Teateaandmoretea

I'm completely with you that he needs to learn how to look after his children.

I would go further and say he needs to start actually being a parent. The whole wording of the whole thread does not acknowledge that these are his children. Its all about 'looking after them' aka babysitting to do the ex a favour.

He does look after them, they co parent.
OP posts:
mrsm43s · 04/03/2022 12:55

@Squidinkk

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry

In a nutshell then, the issue is the kids mother exposing her children to someone dangerous. Perhaps she's not safe to have care of the kids at all.

Absolutely, I don't disagree with at all.

But the children have 2 parents, who are both equally responsible for keeping them safe.

So in the absence of his ex being able to act responsibly and keep them safe, he needs to step up and look after them, and that trumps OP's birthday night off.

In this instance, if he'd have done anything other than agree to look after them, knowing that not agreeing might lead to them being exposed via their mum to someone unsafe, then he'd be an irresponsible arsehole who was failing his eldest children.

Undisclosedlocation · 04/03/2022 12:55

Those of you saying he should be able to cope with 6 kids at once…….. are you seriously saying that you would be able to cope with 6 kids, which included a tiny baby and 2 older children with behaviour problems all alone for a weekend?
I’m not certain I could tbh. So in that respect, I have sympathy and absolutely agree that the fallback position will have to unfortunately be that the OP prioritises her own childrens safety and stays home.

Of course, what SHOULD happen is the spineless father tells his ex ‘no’. The fact that he said yes in the first place is the issue. Auto response to keep ex happy, and let OP suffer the consequences is not fair on any occasion without consulting her, but even more so on her birthday

AllOfUsAreDead · 04/03/2022 12:56

If he couldn't cope with 6 kids he shouldn't have had 6 kids.

He agreed to it, it's his mess, his problem. Enjoy your weekend of freedom. Or he can move onto the next woman once he's single and add 3 more kids to his growing total.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:56

@UtterSocks

Ah sorry I just saw the post about the family member who can’t be around kids. In which case she takes her break at her mum’s another time. Am assuming the dad has fair childcare sharing responsibilities for his eldest children the rest of the time and this is an extra. Is it possible she is doing it to be difficult because it is OP’s birthday?
There is fair childcare sharing and this was expected as an extra yes
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:57

Those of you saying he should be able to cope with 6 kids at once…….. are you seriously saying that you would be able to cope with 6 kids, which included a tiny baby and 2 older children with behaviour problems all alone for a weekend?

I've made a conscious decision not to have more children than I can cope with because I'm an adult who understands responsibility.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:58

But I probably would also manage fine with 6 children for one night if I needed to...

Synchrony · 04/03/2022 12:58

@JustLyra

He will cope with all 6 on his own because he’ll have to.

Just leave him to it.

This
Blossomtoes · 04/03/2022 12:58

@litlealligator

Of course he's being an arse. Just say no. Go stay at the premier Inn on your own and if he needs help, he'll need to rope someone else in. Otherwise this will keep happening.
This. Premier Inn, no children. He’ll just have to manage.
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:58

@MrsMingech

Theres a lot of people on here that have no experienced a child with ADHD.
Do you mean me or is that referring to the people who think DSC behaviour can be controlled by OH doing better parenting?
OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 04/03/2022 12:59

He's been really thoughtless at best.

Your birthday is now effectively ruined for you.

Not sure I'd be very forgiving on that, tbh.................

Teateaandmoretea · 04/03/2022 12:59

He does look after them, they co parent.

It doesn't sound like how I would define co parenting.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/03/2022 13:00

@SpacePotato

Go anyway and leave him to it. His mess to deal with. Bet ex knew damn well it was your bday too. It won't be a coincidence.
This^ Let him experience what it is like to be you! Have a bubble bath and wine and chocolate at Premier Inn. Also do not answer the phone when he calls begging for help!
AllOfUsAreDead · 04/03/2022 13:00

@girlmom21

Those of you saying he should be able to cope with 6 kids at once…….. are you seriously saying that you would be able to cope with 6 kids, which included a tiny baby and 2 older children with behaviour problems all alone for a weekend?

I've made a conscious decision not to have more children than I can cope with because I'm an adult who understands responsibility.

Exactly. He just didn't give a shit because he's split them between mothers so assumed he'd never have to cope alone. Oh well suck it up buttercup. Or start using condoms before it becomes 7/8/9.
BlondeDogLady · 04/03/2022 13:02

I have PND/anxiety so I wouldn't be able to relax in the above situation anyway. I'd just spend the entire duration worrying. It may not be entirely rational but PND/anxiety rarely is

I wouldn't say anything like this around your DH, or this is what he will hang his hat on, and label you as unreasonable. And you're not! I don't have any form of anxiety, and I would feel exactly as you describe (about the safety of my own children), if I was in this situation. Your feelings and concerns are 100% valid.

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry

Or, you know, the Ex could decide not to take a trip to a place where a known paedophile lives.

Or, if she absolutely must go, she can choose any of the other 364 days of the year to do so.

I'm agog that anyone thinks it's okay to manipulate someone else's plans in this way.

The Ex may as well just say : "You must look after my children on your birthday, otherwise I'm going to take them to meet a paedophile"

MrsMingech · 04/03/2022 13:03

Do you mean me or is that referring to the people who think DSC behaviour can be controlled by OH doing better parenting?

Neither.

I have a child with ADHD, and as mentioned above the baby was often a near-miss collateral damage in his hyperactive or tantruming behaviour.
We have tried everything with his behaviour. Paid private for this and that, bought all the books, posted on here and other forums.
He's better now he is older but baby DS (no longer a baby) was very very nearly hurt several times.
It's a real and recognised issue.
We spoke to the school, key workers and at one point I was asking for a SW input.

The fact is, if you know that 6 children need two parent a to ensure that all 6 are safe, then you would be doing those children a disservice if you were to leave them all with your DH.

And the same if he were to leave them all with you.

ThTs not you being a martyr (as some idiots are saying). That's you putting safety factors in place to ensure no one gets hurt.

That's called good parenting.

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