He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

He needs to contact his ex and say he can't do it.

If he won't do that then he needs to look after them all himself. He won't learn a lesson if you help out. His older kids can help look after the younger ones.

Definitely do not change your plans!!!!

@AgentJohnson

If he can’t cope with six kids, he shouldn’t have had six kids.

His Ex isn’t the problem and you comparing your lack of support with her similarly abundance of support is silly. Having little time to yourself is one of the pitfalls of your situation. Go to the Premiere Inn!

Exactly this. There’s a reason I don’t have 6 kids lol.

OP he’s agreed to have them, so he can deal with them. Simple as that.

It's hardly the ex's fault that she's asked the father of her children to look after them and he has agreed 🙄 why is she taking the piss? She can't be expected to plan around your birthday.

If your DH can't handle the 6 kids at once (🙄) then he shouldn't have agreed to have them at all without speaking to you. He's the one at fault here, entirely

@Dixiechickonhols

If you seriously can’t safely leave your baby with the dad the there’s bigger issues than a birthday.

Which the OP has repeatedly explained and is fully aware of

The reason men are shit and do shit things is because women constantly bail them out and let them get away with it. Don't give in, or you're just letting him be a dick with no come back.

The fact the he puts the wishes of his ex over your wishes is concerning (especially when it's your birthday)!

She can't be expected to plan around your birthday.

No but the OP should be able to plan her birthday around when she expects to have the step children over. Which she did.
Which were scuppered through lack of communication and thought.

@BlondeDogLady

I have PND/anxiety so I wouldn't be able to relax in the above situation anyway. I'd just spend the entire duration worrying. It may not be entirely rational but PND/anxiety rarely is

I wouldn't say anything like this around your DH, or this is what he will hang his hat on, and label you as unreasonable. And you're not! I don't have any form of anxiety, and I would feel exactly as you describe (about the safety of my own children), if I was in this situation. Your feelings and concerns are 100% valid.

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry

Or, you know, the Ex could decide not to take a trip to a place where a known paedophile lives.

Or, if she absolutely must go, she can choose any of the other 364 days of the year to do so.

I'm agog that anyone thinks it's okay to manipulate someone else's plans in this way.

The Ex may as well just say : "You must look after my children on your birthday, otherwise I'm going to take them to meet a paedophile"

That's exactly how I feel and why I said to him last night that she has effectively got us by the balls and can dictate my schedule on a whim because all she has to do is imply she'll take the kids there and we'll all drop whatever we're doing and accommodate it.

She doesn't need to go there next weekend, if she was desperate to see her mum (who she saw recently anyway) then her mum could come to her.

She could also go there on any other day that we have the kids if she really wants to.

She supposedly didn't know that he had booked the Friday and Saturday off, and still asked him to have them, even though to the best of her knowledge he would be at work and unable to just drop everything.

She struck lucky because he had his leave booked for my birthday.

Atleast that's the impression I've been given.

She knew it would be nigh on impossible for him to have them those days as he'd be working, but still expected it anyway.

Well done for standing up for yourself OP.

@cadburyegg

It's hardly the ex's fault that she's asked the father of her children to look after them and he has agreed 🙄 why is she taking the piss? She can't be expected to plan around your birthday.

If your DH can't handle the 6 kids at once (🙄) then he shouldn't have agreed to have them at all without speaking to you. He's the one at fault here, entirely

The OP has acknowledged this

That's why she's told him it's not happening

I know you don’t want to hear ‘why did you have children with him…’

But why did he have all these children?

He needs to step up as this has properly fucked up your weekend. Express for feeds, go to a nice hotel and he can have all six of them.

@cadburyegg

It's hardly the ex's fault that she's asked the father of her children to look after them and he has agreed 🙄 why is she taking the piss? She can't be expected to plan around your birthday.

If your DH can't handle the 6 kids at once (🙄) then he shouldn't have agreed to have them at all without speaking to you. He's the one at fault here, entirely

Nobody expects her to plan around my birthday. The expectation has only ever been that she plans around the current contact schedule, not just decide to change it because she fancies going and having tea with a paedophile or at best just a paedophile sympathiser.

My birthday is just collateral.

If there is even a question mark over whether their mother could or would ever be taking them to visit a paedophile I’m wondering why he isn’t currently engaged in court proceedings to fight for full custody?

She struck lucky because he had his leave booked for my birthday.

Oh yeah, he had booked time off for your birthday hadn't he? So how come he claimed to have forgotten it was your birthday and you had plans? He hadn't forgotten his time off, which was for a purpose.
There's no way he forgot about your plans.

@RuRue No I'm absolutely not one of those parents who think their children do no wrong, I am however a parent to a child who has Autism and all the issues that go along with it, so again no i would not be happy with my child constantly being watched for something he cannot control, if he is doing something to intentionally hurt another child then yes you have to discipline them.

But if your step children are misbehaving and you all think they may have some sen issues, then it is 100% down to their parents to give everything they have to getting their children help.

The only person stopping you going out is yourself, because you don't trust the clearly incompetent man you had children with.

How is the op supposed to relax and leave her small one with him when there’s five others? I wouldn’t but zI’d be giving him hell until he changed the arrangements

@MrsMcNally

If there is even a question mark over whether their mother could or would ever be taking them to visit a paedophile I’m wondering why he isn’t currently engaged in court proceedings to fight for full custody?

OP never said paedophile, did she? She said child abuser.

Either way you're right. The mother should've cut contact with everyone connected to the abuser to protect her children.

It's very clear why he's not gone for full custody. Because he doesn't want to take responsibility. It's much easier to blame their issues on bad parenting when it's not him doing the parenting, isn't it.

[quote tantrumsandnappies]@RuRue No I'm absolutely not one of those parents who think their children do no wrong, I am however a parent to a child who has Autism and all the issues that go along with it, so again no i would not be happy with my child constantly being watched for something he cannot control, if he is doing something to intentionally hurt another child then yes you have to discipline them.

But if your step children are misbehaving and you all think they may have some sen issues, then it is 100% down to their parents to give everything they have to getting their children help.

The only person stopping you going out is yourself, because you don't trust the clearly incompetent man you had children with.[/quote]
Who on this thread said a child would intentionally hurt another child?

Who on this thread suggested one of the children had autism?

Are you on the wrong thread?

Obv he should have said no if he felt he couldn’t look after all 6 on his own

Or he thinks he can but you feel he can’t as baby about

I get there is a 4mth baby to consider

Is her mum far away. Can he have the kids fri night but older 3 go home at 10am sat so it’s only fri eve

So baby will be in bed asleep hopefully 7pm Friday night

You still have night away /stay at mums be pampered

He’s basically shat on your birthday from on high already, whatever happens you’ve had all this stress to deal with in advance of it. He’s selfish and crap. I feel really sorry for you.

The ex sounds absolutely grim OP clearly she doesn’t protect her DC either.

It’s a shame DP cannot keep all of his children safe - it’s ruined your birthday.

I’m sorry your birthday has been ruined btw, I had a non-sleeping baby and used to stay in hotels every so often while DH had baby, to recharge.

I hope you get to do that without worrying about the safety of your DC.

YANBU. He is being massively unreasonable. Her mum could come to her instead, or she could visit her mum any other time when your OH has custody. You haven't celebrated your birthday in years and it's not like you're going wild. Stick to your guns. He tells her no, not this weekend.

I wouldn't be changing my plans to be honest. He has had plenty notice and chose to take on his kids when he didn't need to. Let him have all 6 and you go and enjoy yourself

It's hardly the ex's fault that she's asked the father of her children to look after them and he has agreed 🙄 why is she taking the piss? She can't be expected to plan around your birthday.

well, @cadburyegg are you suggesting that OP is never able to plan around her own birthday because they always have to be ready for ex to drop this bombshell? Nope.

I think if OP's DH tells his ex to go another day, and she refuses - he and OP will have to suck it up. But i'd probably want contact arrangements changed. It sounds like a big hot mess

@MrsMingech No I'm not on the wrong thread, but clearly you haven't read all the Ops replies, where she clearly states that she believes the eldest child may have ADHD!

She also directly asked me if I was one of those parents that allow their child to do anything, which is why I responded and said if my child was intentionally hurting someone else, sen or not he would be in trouble.

So maybe you're on the wrong thread or just can't read?