Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 04/03/2022 12:39

Otherwise if they are taken into care you'll have 6 all the time surely?

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:40

@Teateaandmoretea

I'm standing firm in my position that he has to tell her to rearrange. If she refuses to do that, or takes them with her and has them around the unsafe person then it will become a problem for social services.

And say what that it was the result of their father being unable to cope with them? So they'll be taken into care due to your partner being unable to look after them.

They are not just his ex's kids who he babysits he is their father. A parent. Just clearly not a very good one.

Well no it'd be the responsibility of their mother allowing them to be around someone dangerous and nothing to do with the OP or her children or partner
mrsm43s · 04/03/2022 12:41

OP, I think this update changes things:

*I wish it was that simple.

The reason she wants him to have the kids is because there's a member of her family down there that isn't allowed contact with children. Big messy backstory.

Essentially if I say no way, and she takes them and they're around that person.. I'll be made to feel responsible as it was avoidable.

Even though she claims that person is no longer on the scene, I don't quite believe it.*

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry.

I can understand your frustration, and you absolutely need to have some time off at another time, as you need it. It's not fair to you that you miss out. But on this particular weekend, keeping his children safe needs to be a priority.

On a longer term basis, I would suggest that you may need to prepare for him to apply for custody of his eldest 3 if their mother cannot be trusted to keep them away from people who are known to be a risk to them.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/03/2022 12:41

Well its simple you just say it's not on and they aren't coming round.

2bazookas · 04/03/2022 12:41

Let him cope with all 6 on his own, of course.

They will all survive, and if they spend the day fighting whining and demanding , serves him bloody well right.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:42

@Teateaandmoretea

Otherwise if they are taken into care you'll have 6 all the time surely?
I highly doubt it would happen, she would be a fool to take them around that person. There is a written agreement between her and SS that they will never be under the same roof.
OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/03/2022 12:42

It is that simple, she chooses another date to go away and stays at home to look after her kids.

MrsMingech · 04/03/2022 12:42

Op I just want to say I TOTALLY understand you not wanting to leave the baby with the bigger kids and DH.

I felt exactly the same and the bigger kids were fewer and my own children!
For what it's worth, one of them indeed has ADHD. Even though the older kids wouldn't mean it, the baby becomes collateral damage if you're not very very careful.

I think you're being very very wise to be cautious with that one.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/03/2022 12:42

Well no it'd be the responsibility of their mother allowing them to be around someone dangerous and nothing to do with the OP or her children or partner

Her 'partner' is their FATHER! And if they are taken into care it would be because he also could not cope with them.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/03/2022 12:43

If you seriously can’t safely leave your baby with the dad the there’s bigger issues than a birthday.

PollyPage · 04/03/2022 12:43

Man wants to go away 8 days a year to break the dullness... Wrong.

Man looking after his own kid. Wrong.

Nogoodusername · 04/03/2022 12:44

You need to not be the mug who takes it on the chin: sorry, that’s not my plan for my birthday, I will be sticking to my plans. Then it’s his choice to either manage 6 kids or say no to his ex
Don’t take the responsibility yourself - it’s up to him now he handles the changes he has agreed to

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:44

@Teateaandmoretea

Well no it'd be the responsibility of their mother allowing them to be around someone dangerous and nothing to do with the OP or her children or partner

Her 'partner' is their FATHER! And if they are taken into care it would be because he also could not cope with them.

Yes you're right that the children would be in care because of two incompetent parents, but that specific trigger would be their mothers fault.

I'm completely with you that he needs to learn how to look after his children.

UtterSocks · 04/03/2022 12:45

Why can’t the ex take the kids to her mum’s? Doesn’t she help care for her grandkids? She sounds a selfish bitch tbh, but your husband is weak for giving in to her on your birthday. I’d be fuming if my partner did this and I’d tell him in no uncertain terms to tell his ex to choose a different weekend or else you are going to stay in a hotel with a friend.

MrsMingech · 04/03/2022 12:45

@Dixiechickonhols

If you seriously can’t safely leave your baby with the dad the there’s bigger issues than a birthday.
Yeah, that's what the OP said. Hmm
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:46

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry

I understand that. I just feel she's taking the piss.I said to him yesterday she has essentially got him, and by extension me, by the balls indefinitely because all she has to do is say "I'm going there" and everybody has to drop plans to accommodate it.

OP posts:
Rosehugger · 04/03/2022 12:47

I'd stick to my plans and let him sort it all out. He has massively fucked up.

Squidinkk · 04/03/2022 12:47

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry

In a nutshell then, the issue is the kids mother exposing her children to someone dangerous. Perhaps she's not safe to have care of the kids at all.

MadeForThis · 04/03/2022 12:47

He has agreed that he won't take the kids. Let him take responsibility for his mistake.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:47

@MrsMingech

Op I just want to say I TOTALLY understand you not wanting to leave the baby with the bigger kids and DH.

I felt exactly the same and the bigger kids were fewer and my own children!
For what it's worth, one of them indeed has ADHD. Even though the older kids wouldn't mean it, the baby becomes collateral damage if you're not very very careful.

I think you're being very very wise to be cautious with that one.

Thank you for understanding. It's difficult isn't it? When we know there's a risk our maternal instinct screams out to be there to mitigate it
OP posts:
tantrumsandnappies · 04/03/2022 12:48

Tbh I think you're both taking the piss!
If he genuinely cannot cope with looking after all of HIS children at once, number 1 he shouldn't be having more than he can cope with, number 2 shouldn't have agreed to have all children at once

And I say this as someone who's ex regularly ruined my birthday and every other event I needed to be at, including my df funeral because his girlfriends birthday is the day after mine and of course her and their dc came before me and our dc. When in reality they shouldn't, he has more than one child in different houses and he needs to be able to accommodate and be a parent to all of his children
So I would be absolutely livid if my ex agreed to look after our dc decided that because his partner felt uncomfortable leaving her child with him if they were there and told me must change my plans to suit her and I have been in this exact situation, only last week when he decided that on the day he just wouldn't turn up to collect them and left me without any form of childcare.

And the fact that you're saying that his ex needs to cancel her plans, because you don't feel comfortable leaving your child with its father whilst her children are there, isn't exactly going to go down well is it? What gives you that right?
You're needs don't trump hers, just because someone else might help her clearly she is struggling and your dp needs to step up and be a parent.
Because if that was my dc they would no longer be coming to your house and their would need to make other arrangements to see them, as I wouldn't be happy with them constantly being scrutinised and being watched over all the time because you don't really want them getting rowdy with your dc, their siblings.

MotherofTerriers · 04/03/2022 12:48

If he doesn't tell her to pick another weekend, go to your mums with the baby. I'm sure she would look after the baby while you have a glass of wine and a soak in a bubble bath, then go shopping next day as planned

Teateaandmoretea · 04/03/2022 12:49

I'm completely with you that he needs to learn how to look after his children.

I would go further and say he needs to start actually being a parent. The whole wording of the whole thread does not acknowledge that these are his children. Its all about 'looking after them' aka babysitting to do the ex a favour.

BananaBlue · 04/03/2022 12:49

I highly doubt it would happen, she would be a fool to take them around that person. There is a written agreement between her and SS that they will never be under the same roof.

So DP has one mum who presumably has SS involvement with her kids and another who cannot trust him with her kids indefinitely.

Bloody hell.

As another poster said, bigger issues here.

UtterSocks · 04/03/2022 12:49

Ah sorry I just saw the post about the family member who can’t be around kids. In which case she takes her break at her mum’s another time. Am assuming the dad has fair childcare sharing responsibilities for his eldest children the rest of the time and this is an extra. Is it possible she is doing it to be difficult because it is OP’s birthday?