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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Christmas1988 · 04/03/2022 12:25

Surely he can manage 6 of his own children,he shouldn’t of had 6 if he couldn’t manage them. Tell him to book a soft play centre, he can let them all run free for a few hours they can get lunch there so there’s no need to cook and because they will be tired after tearing around he can shove the TV on for an hour when they get home.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:26

His parents are just too old to be able to help unfortunately, it would be too much for them.

No chance of more children he's had the snip.

Everything ticked along just fine before the last couple of years. As the older ones approached puberty their behaviour got so much more challenging. It's not as though he doesn't address it but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. I'm hoping if a diagnosis comes then they can access some support for the behaviour.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 04/03/2022 12:26

I wouldn't go to a Premier Inn, I'd go to a nice hotel with a nice breakfast and then meet my mum. It would possibly work if you took your baby? Or reschedule for next weekend and tell him to make sure he has watertight plans?

Can he rope his parents or another relative in to help? And you can do the hotel thing anyway, but without your baby?

And stop bending to his ex's will. Take care of you and your children and he can handle the rest.

Dobedodo · 04/03/2022 12:27

I haven’t read everyone’s suggestions but is there no one your DP can rope in to help for an evening? Even paid childcare maybe ?

2DogsOnMySofa · 04/03/2022 12:27

If he can't cope with all 6, the. It's his responsibility to get someone to look after the youngest not yours!

Good for you for putting your foot down

MayorMargeret · 04/03/2022 12:27

So when the new arrangement was made he either thought he could cope or he knew you would change your plans. If it's the first one then he (not you) needs to rope in some help. If it's the second then words fail me. He definitely cares more about her and considers your plans are changeable.

BananaBlue · 04/03/2022 12:27

So clearly he cannot be trusted to protect his children otherwise you wouldn’t have to be there when he has them all.

If the ex doesn’t care about having DC around dangerous people, she’s hardly going to care about you which is not her responsibility anyway.

HE is responsible for all 6 DC and you and seems to have failed you all.

The weekend is probably ruined regardless of whether your DM takes your DC, because your DP has made it a battle ground.

What do you plan to do?

Fundays12 · 04/03/2022 12:29

OP I would be livid in your position. As for his kids running riot all over the place he needs to put his foot down. I am saying this as a parent of a child diagnosed with Autism and ADHD rules are rules and my house is not a trampoline park. My child with ADHDis well aware if he behaves like that in our home he gets no tv, no iPad and is sent to his room. He doesn’t behave like that normally for that reason. Under no circumstances should he be letting his kids behave in a manner that is unsafe for a baby. I hope you get your break.

cdba88 · 04/03/2022 12:30

His mess, he now has to fix it.

I'd be fuming too

HairyScaryMonster · 04/03/2022 12:30

He needs to go back to his ex to say sorry didn't consult with my wife, we're double booked that evening/day. Can do another weekend (or not)

Mamamia7962 · 04/03/2022 12:30

OP - You are catastrophising here, assuming this will happen or that will happen if he has all six children. He is an adult and they are all his children. He chose to look after them all knowing you had birthday plans. Just leave him to get on with it and trust him to be able to cope, and if he can't then that is his problem and for him to sort out.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/03/2022 12:32

Under no circumstances should he be letting his kids behave in a manner that is unsafe for a baby.

Not least because that would be unsafe in general for all of them.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:32

What do you plan to do?

I'm standing firm in my position that he has to tell her to rearrange. If she refuses to do that, or takes them with her and has them around the unsafe person then it will become a problem for social services.

If next weekend comes and he hasn't changed his plans with her, and I get inadvertently lumbered with the kids, I will begrudgingly take baby to a hotel or my DM's so I'm not roped into childcare on my birthday but then we'll have bigger problems as I won't forgive and forget about it. I'm majorly fucked off and he knows it.

OP posts:
Squidinkk · 04/03/2022 12:33

Don't go into overdrive about him just saying ok. Don't try and fix this for him or make it better by going back on it now, you've drawn your line in the sand.

VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 12:33

Well now you know why he has an ex with kids, hes very good at getting out of responsibility and having you lot blaming each other, if he's bitten off more then he can chew and had far too many kids thats his problem and he needs to look after them all, if he made them.

if half of them are SEN tough shit he made em he needs to deal with em, thats just the way they are and he is a utter shit if he is hiding from his responsibility to look after his kids with her by being with you, and his kids with you by "working" all the time so you have to raise them single handed.

Sorry OP as a single mum of a SEN child your get no sympathy from me for putting up with all that crap, theres nothing you can do but soldier on with SEN kids, I half think my ex buggered off because he didnt want to deal with it and was convinced our child was just a brat and that was all my fault which I got punished for and treated like crap, my ex was an abusive bastard anyway and he did sod all parenting because of "work", altho work normally meant refusing to leave work (he worked at a cinema and kept watching the films when he wasnt on a shift), sitting in the pub after work for 3 hours+ etc anything to stay out of the house and away from dealing with the responsibilities of the family he wanted.

Marvellousmadness · 04/03/2022 12:33

Your dp made more children than he is personally capable of looking after

^this

He sounds absolutely useless. He wanted 6 kids: he should manage them. How unfair for all kids involved. No one is happy and everyone's stressed....

Ps dyspraxia has literally 0% to do with any of the 'bad behaviour of his other kids

diddl · 04/03/2022 12:34

If you're worried about the baby would it totally ruin the day to take them with you for shopping & lunch with your Mum?

Could you go to hers Fri evening for your pamper session & stay over?

HalliWood · 04/03/2022 12:34

Take care of you and your children and he can handle the rest.

Hardly a break for OP then is it.

BulletTrain · 04/03/2022 12:35

I'd reply "Thanks". What a shitarse he is.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/03/2022 12:35

Go away and leave him to it. He’s been an utter idiot. He’s chosen to have 6 children he needs to be able to care for his 6 children. It will do him good.
Don’t always be there when his other children are there.
He needs to learn to cope with managing his children. If you die or go in hospital tomorrow he’d need to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2022 12:36

@BulletTrain

I'd reply "Thanks". What a shitarse he is.
@BulletTrain Agreed. Text back ‘thanks’ or ‘cheers’. Then just let him let him crack on and sort it .
AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2022 12:37

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

He knew it was your birthday though
Teateaandmoretea · 04/03/2022 12:38

I'm standing firm in my position that he has to tell her to rearrange. If she refuses to do that, or takes them with her and has them around the unsafe person then it will become a problem for social services.

And say what that it was the result of their father being unable to cope with them? So they'll be taken into care due to your partner being unable to look after them.

They are not just his ex's kids who he babysits he is their father. A parent. Just clearly not a very good one.

CombatBarbie · 04/03/2022 12:38

He chose to have 6 kids, he can mange on his own. Do not cancel your plans and do book a Premier Inn for the Friday for yourself alone.... With wine and pampering and a takeaway.

LadyPropane · 04/03/2022 12:39

Book a hotel room for yourself and make it very clear that you are going alone.

I'll bet he tells his ex that he can't do it when he realises he will actually have to look after all of his own children by himself for one night.

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