He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

He is still trying to change your mind? Fuck he is a selfish brass necked bastard! He knows she has breaks up the wazoo and you've had no birthdays for a few years. What a fucking arsehole he is, he isn't even sorry that he traded your plans for hers, is he? Any decent man would be ashamed and apologetic. And if he is 'annoyed' you are posting for advice because of his fuck ups and his ex's fucked up choices, he is an even bigger arsehole who is doubling down.

I would tell him he is way out of line, he should be ashamed of himself, that he either prioritises me now and in future going forward , or your relationship is at risk and he will have to juggle TWO exes with two lots of children, that he has a lot of work to make it up to you and he better bloody do it! I would be absolutely fucking ROPEABLE with his attitude, OP, I really would. How fucking DARE he?!??

He’s been an arse. Why hasn’t he phones back his ex and said “ oops my mistake it’s her birthday!”
If not, can YOUR mum not drop round and “help” ( keep smallest alive) and you should definitely go to premier inn and chill. And I wouldn’t rush back

You’ve sis it yourself : you’re acting like a mug.
And leave a list of shit you went done by your return.

I am finding it hard to believe that you are still getting hassle over this OP, as every single one of your posts has been clear and easily understandble. So I have sadly come to the conclusion that you must have committed a terrible, and unforgivable sin, when you entered into a relationship with a man who had been in a previous partnership with another woman and had had children with her.

You and I (and I have been the first wife and mother to my DxH's first children) obviously haven't realised up to now, that the first female partner and children must always take precedence over any future partner and children. Apparently, it doesn't matter if his ex wants to change (or even add to?) one of the weekends that your partner has his children - even though it wasn't because of some sort of emergency (and you have already said that in an emergency situation you would have of course readily agreed) - because if she demands something, then you and your partner have to change all of your plans, so that you can accommodate her needs.

The moral of this story seems to be, don't ever be the partner of someone who has already had a previous partner with whom they have had children. It obviously doesn't even matter whether the new female partner was the OW, and the reason why the first couple broke up! I think this because I don't recall you having mentioned whether you were the OW or not - please don't say now OP, as it should not make any difference to this situation anyway. So FTAO future OP's, if you are a Step-Mum (whether you also have children by the same partner or not), do not post on mumsnet unless you like having totally unfair bollockings, or you like pointless arguing (because they just won't listen to you), or unless you have managed to grow a very thick skin.

Dear OP his ex was being very unreasonable to make such a short notice request, especially as it is not even an urgent problem, never mind an emergency, and your partner was being extremely unreasonable to agree to it without even discussing it with you (whether he remembered it was your birthday weekend or not - and of course he had remembered). The fact that by your last post he still hadn't told her that no it wasn't happening, and if she takes the children to that house, then not only will he be contacting SS, but the police as well.

What I'm getting from all of this is that the DH doesn't see the problem with taking his older 3 kids.

He doesn't acknowledge that his older 3, especially the oldest, are putting his younger 3 at risk and thinks he can manage the situation alone.

Given that one or other of the kids is hurt most times that all 6 are together with TWO people watching them, he's naive at best and careless at worst.

His refusal to accept that his oldest child might actually need some diagnostic input and possible further intervention is frustrating to the point of stupidity - WHY? If the next one down is being investigated for ADHD/dyspraxia, why is he so insistent that the oldest one is not? ASD/ADHD etc. runs in families - it's very possible that if one has it, then so could any of the others.

So what is at the root of his refusal? Does he feel that this child is like he himself was at that age? Perhaps that IS part of the problem - perhaps he also is on the spectrum, and that's why he's being so stubborn about it (a not uncommon situation - I have at least 5 friends whose children's diagnosis has helped to highlight that the parent(s) almost certainly have the same issue - and of all the men, none of them have gone forward to be diagnosed, while all of the women have)

The OP is not "being a martyr" here. Her plans for a quiet evening in after the little ones are in bed have indeed been ruined by the older 3 SC turning up, who won't go to bed before 10:30pm. Her plans for the weekend have also been disrupted because she fears for the safety of her own 3 DC if left in DH's sole charge with the older 3, as they regularly get hurt when all together.

The problem here IS the DH's behaviour. He should not have accepted the ex-W's excuse that she wanted to visit her mother and the paedophile during a period that she was supposed to be taking care of her own DC - he should have told her that she should go another time, when he was already due to have the DC. THIS is his mistake - this and his belief that he can actually keep all 6 children safe by himself.

@RuRue - I don't at all blame you for not wanting to leave him with all 6 children - his attitude is too blasé and he does need to accept that things could get out of hand, that your little ones could get hurt again, and that his oldest child needs some investigation.

Good luck with getting through to him that his actions have created this mess.

Ding ding ding we've found the ex.

nope just someone who gets fed up with others who mother men and play into the patriarchy by assuming them useless and unable to parent their own children.

The ex is not the issue. She can make any request she likes. He has the right and the ability to say no. But he hasn't sought to address issues he has with her parenting (because he is fairly pathetic?) Whether that be his DCs behaviour/additional needs or her association with someone unsafe and that is his problem. He's made it your problem. Your plans for a bubble bath are of no interest to the ex and rightly so. Your DH has chosen to have 6 kids, he needs to manage the problems that this brings. Which includes your birthday plans.

@VelvetChairGirl

Ding ding ding we've found the ex.

nope just someone who gets fed up with others who mother men and play into the patriarchy by assuming them useless and unable to parent their own children.

She's not assuming anything.

He's even admitted he can't guarantee the baby (who is 4 months old) won't get hurt because of the older kids.

I wouldn't leave my baby, either.

@BulletTrain

Also a bit unsure how you went from:

Well now you know why he has an ex with kids, hes very good at getting out of responsibility and having you lot blaming each other, if he's bitten off more then he can chew and had far too many kids thats his problem and he needs to look after them all, if he made them.

To

I really dont know what your problem is I think its pure jealousy

shes been given multiple options such as his parents helping or a babysitter and has rejected it.

she just wants to moan and not trust him with his own children, if she doesnt trust him to look after all his own kids why did she have another 3 with him.

what does she thinks going to happen if she ends up in an accident, or the ex does, 6 kids he'd have to look after thats what.

*She's not assuming anything.

He's even admitted he can't guarantee the baby (who is 4 months old) won't get hurt because of the older kids.

I wouldn't leave my baby, either.*

you can never guarantee safety of anyone full stop and the op already said the kids get hurt when they are round which shows her being their makes no difference anyway.

shes been given multiple options such as his parents helping or a babysitter and has rejected it

His parents are elderly and can't help.
Babysitters don't tend to help someone parent. You couldn't hire one babysitter, for all the reasons OP has listed about leaving him with all 6 in the first place, and she still wouldn't be able to relax.

She's less likely to relax with a 16 year old babysitter trying to manage all the kids than she is with her partner doing it

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

It doesn't really matter if SHE didn't know it was your birthday. The point is HE knew and could have told her "I'm sorry, it's Op's birthday so we can't this weekend". I think he needs to go back to her to say "I'm sorry, I agreed without checking but we have plans this weekend".

He needs to tell the ex he got the weekend wrong and he can't as it's OPs birthday End of story. The ex will know when OPs birthday is. It's all ver convenient for the ex

@girlmom21

shes been given multiple options such as his parents helping or a babysitter and has rejected it

His parents are elderly and can't help.
Babysitters don't tend to help someone parent. You couldn't hire one babysitter, for all the reasons OP has listed about leaving him with all 6 in the first place, and she still wouldn't be able to relax.

She's less likely to relax with a 16 year old babysitter trying to manage all the kids than she is with her partner doing it

Yes they can, they just have to watch the 3 younger ones, he can keep an eye on the older ones, thats 3 people watching 6 kids sounds fine to me, I've watched upto 8 including SEN ones on my own.

I expect the babysitter to be there with the father as extra help not instead and they are not all 16, pay some decent money for a older experienced one.

my parents (god rest my mothers soul she died last year) watch my SEN kid, my dad is 84 with terminal cancer he still manages to control him better then the school.

@WindyKnickers

The ex is not the issue. She can make any request she likes. He has the right and the ability to say no. But he hasn't sought to address issues he has with her parenting (because he is fairly pathetic?) Whether that be his DCs behaviour/additional needs or her association with someone unsafe and that is his problem. He's made it your problem. Your plans for a bubble bath are of no interest to the ex and rightly so. Your DH has chosen to have 6 kids, he needs to manage the problems that this brings. Which includes your birthday plans.

exactly.

@VelvetChairGirl she's still going to be worried about the older kids.

It's not a case of keeping 3 kids in each room. She still won't relax.

Your parents aren't the OP's DP's parents.

[quote girlmom21]@VelvetChairGirl she's still going to be worried about the older kids.

It's not a case of keeping 3 kids in each room. She still won't relax.

Your parents aren't the OP's DP's parents. [/quote]
Honestly she should have thought about all this when she got with him and decided to have 3 kids, he already had the other 3 and she would have already seen the ADHD behaviour it doesnt suddenly start as kids get older it would have been there the whole time, if she chose to ignore it because they were younger and put it down to kids being kids, chose to buy into his approach of sticking his head in the sand thats on her.

she chose to have more kids with a man she doesnt trust to parent his own children, she puts herself in this position, and its a very convenient position for him isnt it, he never has to step up to the plate and parent his 6 kids, until something happens then the house of cards all comes crashing down. this is a taster really of what would happen if one of the mums ended up in an accident or died or SS took the kids away and gave them to daddy.

it really is playing into the mens hands to assume them useless and buy their BS, no one is born good at parenting we learn on the job and its individual, all kids need to be dealt with in different ways and we learn that on the job from experience with them, men are just as able to learn to parent as women are. assuming they are not and never making them step up to the plate is enabling.

@VelvetChairGirl

Ding ding ding we've found the ex.

nope just someone who gets fed up with others who mother men and play into the patriarchy by assuming them useless and unable to parent their own children.

What a ridiculous comment. This has nothing to do with the patriarchy. The OP has set out the situation multiple times and some people, including you, are just ignoring.

You may not be the ex the OP is posting about, but judging by your posts you're definitely somebody's ex and an embittered one at that.

Don’t even give him the option, just go by yourself and he can look after his own kids. He will learn the lesson and worse case scenario he’ll be bothering his ex ask for her to help with her kids.

@sleezeandwineparty

I really dislike the way women underestimate what there other half can do... he won't cope with 6 children... well he never will when women continue to rescue him. He is a big boy tell him you are going to have your birthday and IF! He can't cope let him deal with it like the big boy he is... you can bet he will never make this mistake again if you leave him to it. He is a responsible adult and responsible for this situation.

There's a 4 month old baby. Use your head.

Velvet your parents sound brilliant and it's great they were able to help you despite their limitations and poor health (and I'm sorry for the loss of your mum) but your experience isn't universal. Lots of grandparents can't/won't help in a similar situation. His parents have never been ones for helping with with the kids. They are nice people but firmly of the camp that their child rearing days are behind them. They don't want to be babysitting 6 children, or 3, and that is their right to refuse.

I don't think it's fair to say I knew about the ADHD issues when I met OH. I clearly didn't. The kids were young and none of their behaviour seemed too far out of the norm of what I would expect having not much experience of kids at all let alone neurodiverse ones. Now I have my own children I'm able to look back and say, ok yes the signs were there.

I'm sorry my post seems to have upset you so much.

@VelvetChairGirl

I really dont know what your problem is I think its pure jealousy, really you want the ex to fuck off with her kids and never bother your family so you can pretend he doesn't have previous responsibilities, and you are pissed off she exits and he's having to take responsibility of his other kids whom you clearly dislike and see as a burden.

you have stated already he is fine with it and up for looking after all his kids, you've stated he has parents that could help if needs be 3 adults watching 6 kids is more then enough and he could get a babysitter, but I am sure he wants none of it because he thinks he will be fine looking after his 6 kids for a single weekend and why shouldn't he be fine? there are plenty of single parents dealing with 6 kids 24/7 alone without issue and accidents happen whatever yes something could happen but far more likely nothing catastrophic will happen, and things can happen if you are there too as proven by your example, you said they cause injury everytime they are round, well that shows you being there makes no difference doesn't it.

its you thats making a mountain out of a mole hill, blaming the other mother saying she's doing it deliberately etc to ruin your day, well tough titty he's a father of 3 older kids he has 50% responsibility for looking after them and paying for them, its what he signed up for when he decided to have 3 children with her, parenting is unpredictable, deal with it and stop moaning its no one else's fault you cant have your birthday getaway but you if you decide to dig your heels in and not trust him to look after his own children.

So firstly this is an interesting take on what the OP has explained. Secondly you haven't really read it all. The parents are elderly and cannot help. There is a 4 month old baby. A 3 year was recently injured. The DH has only said he'll do his best. That may not be enough.

@RuRue

Velvet your parents sound brilliant and it's great they were able to help you despite their limitations and poor health (and I'm sorry for the loss of your mum) but your experience isn't universal. Lots of grandparents can't/won't help in a similar situation. His parents have never been ones for helping with with the kids. They are nice people but firmly of the camp that their child rearing days are behind them. They don't want to be babysitting 6 children, or 3, and that is their right to refuse.

I don't think it's fair to say I knew about the ADHD issues when I met OH. I clearly didn't. The kids were young and none of their behaviour seemed too far out of the norm of what I would expect having not much experience of kids at all let alone neurodiverse ones. Now I have my own children I'm able to look back and say, ok yes the signs were there.

I'm sorry my post seems to have upset you so much.

Leave him to look after the kids or he will never learn the consequences of actions.

take the youngest with you which I suspect you really wanted to do from the start anyway, you dont want to be separated from the youngest, kids that age are no bother.

He still hasn't had any conversation with her about her cancelling, at least not that he has told me.

What he has done is cancelled his place at Sunday football tomorrow, no idea what that has got to do with the issue at hand. What's that supposed to be, some sort of consolation?

I briefly mentioned football when I went batshit the other night about him spoiling my plans, along the lines of "im a slave to your work, football and your ex and her changing schedules. I WANT some time to myself"

Strange what bits they focus on whilst ignoring the main issue isn't it.

I think he's going to purposefully avoid the conversation of next weekend, until next weekend, then just get them anyway because he'll hope he's done a good enough job of emotionally blackmailing me by saying how he just wants to make sure she doesn't take them around the paedo.

So firstly this is an interesting take on what the OP has explained. Secondly you haven't really read it all. The parents are elderly and cannot help. There is a 4 month old baby. A 3 year was recently injured. The DH has only said he'll do his best. That may not be enough.

deliberate sewing of seeds of doubt. language is a powerful thing, we all do our best, nothing in life is guaranteed, but by saying things like "I'll try my best" thats deliberate seeding of doubt you wouldnt get with a simple "yes I'll look after them" he doesnt want her having her birthday off he wants her to help babysit all his kids but he doesnt want to say so because he doesnt want to look like a bad guy so he will use middle ground language instead to imply struggling and being unsure he can manage, then leave the seed to germinate.

I completely understand where you're coming from. However given that he has genuinely has no idea wether or not his ex would take his DC around a child abuser is a big issue. He should take his kids that weekend, and whilst he has them he should contact social services as it sounds like neither of you trust the ex to safeguard her children.

Whilst yes, she should rearrange her weekend... she clearly isn't going to and even if dh said no, you've no way of knowing she had. So he's being a good parent and not risking putting his children in that situation.