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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 04/03/2022 20:43

Should read why aren’t you being nasty about kids mum wanting time for herself for no reason on her time to look after the kids

BulletTrain · 04/03/2022 20:46

Oh dear @Velvetchairgirl. Did this situation hit a nerve?

BulletTrain · 04/03/2022 20:56

Also a bit unsure how you went from:

Well now you know why he has an ex with kids, hes very good at getting out of responsibility and having you lot blaming each other, if he's bitten off more then he can chew and had far too many kids thats his problem and he needs to look after them all, if he made them.

To

I really dont know what your problem is I think its pure jealousy

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 20:59

ding dong we've found the ex

I actually wouldn't be surprised if she was. They writing style is similar, long angry rants.

She does have a crushed velvet sofa aswell.

I bit my tongue then deleted my reply because when I posted about issues in the past where my DC had got hurt it was strongly implied that she knew about it but I just assumed OH had told her.

Hi love, please rearrange your trip. Thanks.

OP posts:
gogohm · 04/03/2022 21:02

He can cope, the step kids are school aged so they don't need that much care

k1233 · 04/03/2022 21:43

You know what, ex wives can be bitches. Having primary care for children doesn't make someone saintly. Ex's can be nice people, but not all of them are - that's just how it is.

OP I think you sound very reasonable and have genuine concerns. Babies can be easily hurt. One accident can cause permanent damage.

It sounds like the age range of the children is broad. Unlike being in a family of 6 and learning to moderate behaviour around smaller children, the older 3 are usually together and can engage in rougher play with each other. It can be hard to tone that down to something suitable for smaller children eg the rugby tackling.

OP has not said she does not want the kids and sounds as if she is usually flexible. It's ok for her to have her own plans. The ex has randomly decided to go and visit the one person where she can't take the kids. There's no urgency to the visit, so there is no reason the ex's plans should trump OPs.

I think the OP is eminently sensible in wanting two active adults there to supervise to ensure no accidental harm comes to any of the children.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 21:56

@k1233

You know what, ex wives can be bitches. Having primary care for children doesn't make someone saintly. Ex's can be nice people, but not all of them are - that's just how it is.

OP I think you sound very reasonable and have genuine concerns. Babies can be easily hurt. One accident can cause permanent damage.

It sounds like the age range of the children is broad. Unlike being in a family of 6 and learning to moderate behaviour around smaller children, the older 3 are usually together and can engage in rougher play with each other. It can be hard to tone that down to something suitable for smaller children eg the rugby tackling.

OP has not said she does not want the kids and sounds as if she is usually flexible. It's ok for her to have her own plans. The ex has randomly decided to go and visit the one person where she can't take the kids. There's no urgency to the visit, so there is no reason the ex's plans should trump OPs.

I think the OP is eminently sensible in wanting two active adults there to supervise to ensure no accidental harm comes to any of the children.

Thank you K, I appreciate your post
OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 04/03/2022 22:21

@SaltedCaramelIcedLatte

I was thinking the same thing *@AllOfUsAreDead*
Not replying anymore either. Dunno why anyone would be stupid enough to basically admit they are fine with paedos on a forum for mothers, but then the ex does hang out with them, not exactly intelligent..
Nanny0gg · 04/03/2022 22:39

@gogohm

He can cope, the step kids are school aged so they don't need that much care
OFGS
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 22:45

OFGS

Grin
OP posts:
bluebird3 · 04/03/2022 23:05

I'm genuinely confused by the people who think this is the DH's responsibility to take the kids when it's not his contact time and not for an emergency. Yes they are his kids, but they are also his ex's kids and it's her responsibility to find childcare on her contact time. Sure she can ask her ex to have them but he also has the right to say he's made other plans and can't accommodate this time. They both have that right. This is an optional thing his ex wants to do. They both have a responsibility to have the kids on their contact time.

It's not fair for either to never be able to make plans in case the other drops their share the responsibility on a whim. I wouldn't be happy if I made plans to go out and dh agreed to watch our kids, only for him to later back out bc he'd rather do something else. Hmm Obviously it's different for emergency situations. And it's definitely emotionally abusive to threaten to take the children somewhere unsafe in order to force the other parent to cancel their plans.

Ophanim · 04/03/2022 23:17

Christ, there’s some fucking winners on here 🙄

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 23:23

Me too, bluebird. Bonkers isn't it.

For what it's worth I would drop everything for the kids in an emergency, this just isn't that.

OP posts:
HoldenCaulfieldismyhomeboy · 04/03/2022 23:26

Well he's only doing it OP because you're allowing it. You cant moan about him doing this if you just allow it to happen. You teach properly how to treat you. Leave him to look after his 6 children. He's a grown man, he's perfectly capable ffs. There's no way I'd be taking the baby for my night off. You allow thus to happen this time then you set the tone and it will happen again and again.

Babyghirl · 04/03/2022 23:30

@RuRue
No op your not aibu, at the end of the day you had plans first, your dp should tell her he can't do as he's busy and not his weekend, do you really think she would change plans if it was the other way round, as for being saying you should change your birthday weekend no way should u as could go on her time she has no got dc in her care. She putting a visit in front of her time with her dc she's being the unreasonable one if you ask me.

LowlandLucky · 04/03/2022 23:36

Why are you with a man that doesn't give a stuff about you but panders to his ex ? He knows you are a mug. The 6 children are his so let him lock after them.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 23:47

@LowlandLucky

Why are you with a man that doesn't give a stuff about you but panders to his ex ? He knows you are a mug. The 6 children are his so let him lock after them.
It's not quite as clear cut as that because him spoiling my plans comes from a place of him wanting to make sure his kids are kept safe, so while this is hugely inconvenient to me and I'm upset he's screwed me over to accommodate the ex, I can empathise with him thinking that keeping them safe must trump my birthday plans.

That being said, maybe I'm giving him too much credit. Who knows. It's hard to be objective when you're so close to the situation and have all of the associated emotions and ties.

In reality he could have told her "Fuck RuRues birthday plans, ill tell her im having them and if she doesnt like it then tough" and here I am trying to understand where he's coming from.

Who knows.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 04/03/2022 23:59

That's exactly how I feel and why I said to him last night that she has effectively got us by the balls and can dictate my schedule on a whim because all she has to do is imply she'll take the kids there and we'll all drop whatever we're doing and accommodate it.

She doesn't need to go there next weekend, if she was desperate to see her mum (who she saw recently anyway) then her mum could come to her.

Cynical me thinks that she may not necessarily even be going to see her mother. She only has to say that's where she's going and voila - she's got herself a childfree weekend to go out with her mates or whatever.

LovedayCL · 05/03/2022 00:17

[quote AprilShowers82]@VelvetChairGirl are you the ex 😂😂😂[/quote]
She’s definitely someone’s ex.

tantrumsandnappies · 05/03/2022 00:21

it's her responsibility to find childcare on her time

She did, she asked the childrens father Hmm

SpicyChickenCurry · 05/03/2022 00:35

@TonkinLenkicks

I can't believe that everyone (minus the OP) in this RL situation is so blaze about the paedophile down the road who most likely has access to his children.

For what's it's worth you're totally NBU and he's being a twat

Absolutely this. What kind of mother even wants to associate with paedo anyway?

What kind of mother risks the wrath of social services by mixing with such scum of the earth.

Not a very good one by all accounts.

I hope that she gets her birthday treat and her DH says no to the ex. And I also sincerely hope that social services get wind of the ex meeting up with the pervert.

BlondeWidow · 05/03/2022 01:11

What would happen if (god forbid) you were in hospital for 3 weeks?

This isn't a marriage, this is Mummy daycare - and he's also one of the kids

BlondeWidow · 05/03/2022 01:12

@AgentJohnson

I think it’s ironic that the OP is blaming her H for not standing up to his Ex but appears reluctant to make a stand against her H.
This!
BlondeWidow · 05/03/2022 01:22

@Brefugee

I wouldn't go to a Premier Inn, I'd go to a nice hotel with a nice breakfast and then meet my mum. It would possibly work if you took your baby? Or reschedule for next weekend and tell him to make sure he has watertight plans?

Can he rope his parents or another relative in to help? And you can do the hotel thing anyway, but without your baby?

And stop bending to his ex's will. Take care of you and your children and he can handle the rest.

Premier Inns are lovely!!
LovedayCL · 05/03/2022 02:54

If the children’s behaviour has recently seemed to change quite a lot, I would be possibly concerned there’s something else going on - if there were no ADHD type signs previously?

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