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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 04/03/2022 19:12

@RuRue

I told him I posted here and that alot of people agreed with me that he was being an arse (not all, for balance)

He's annoyed now because I'm talking about our private lives on the internet moaning about the kids to strangers.

Another diversion tactic to shift blame from him.
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 19:15

@RuRue

I told him I posted here and that alot of people agreed with me that he was being an arse (not all, for balance)

He's annoyed now because I'm talking about our private lives on the internet moaning about the kids to strangers.

He wouldn't have minded if we'd all said he was right.
AmyDudley · 04/03/2022 19:18

*I told him I posted here and that alot of people agreed with me that he was being an arse (not all, for balance)

He's annoyed now because I'm talking about our private lives on the internet moaning about the kids to strangers.*

Well if he hadn't been an arsehole and said he'd have the children when he'd already promised that time was your birthday time, then you wouldn't have to discuss the matter on the internet. If he was able to discuss properly and to treat you with respect and to keep his promises then the problem would not have arisen. You don;t have to discuss things with strangers when you have a partner who is able to listen and admit when he is wrong.

diddl · 04/03/2022 19:20

@santasnothere

A man who has 6 children? I'm expecting a Demi-god or at least he's loaded? Can he hire a couple of nannies to help him?
It's mind boggling (to me anyway) that 6kids can be afforded!

I don't really understand having three kids, it not working out so having 3more!

MischievousBiscuits · 04/03/2022 19:20

He can cope with them all, especially for one night. Have a lovely evening and day with your mum. Do not give in to this!!

alreadytaken · 04/03/2022 19:26

If he had behaved decently you wouldnt be on here talking to strangers, would you.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2022 19:31

@MischievousBiscuits

He can cope with them all, especially for one night. Have a lovely evening and day with your mum. Do not give in to this!!
Yes.

And cancel the cheque whilst you're at it.

The OP has repeatedly explained why it is not sensible to do this.

VitalsStable · 04/03/2022 19:38

Fuck me you better hope you don't pop your clogs after having so many kids with what boils down to a shite father. What is he going to do then? See them in shifts? Sell a couple??

Ginger1982 · 04/03/2022 19:41

Stand your ground OP!

VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HELLITHURT · 04/03/2022 19:45

@RuRue

I told him I posted here and that alot of people agreed with me that he was being an arse (not all, for balance)

He's annoyed now because I'm talking about our private lives on the internet moaning about the kids to strangers.

Don't blame him! How would you feel if the things were reversed?

Let's hope the press don't get hold of this!

lovingtheheat · 04/03/2022 19:46

He is annoyed at having been exposed as us strangers on the internet have confirmed he is indeed being unreasonable which makes it harder for him to steamroll/guilt you into accommodating the new plans he has made with his ex at your expense.

VitalsStable · 04/03/2022 19:46

His reply of "I will do my best" is fucking horrid. He is an absolute gaslighting wanker of a human. So if you go out the resulting injury to one of the children is your fault??

If one of the children are injured and god forbid the authorities get involved that will be on him, not you.

VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 19:47

*It's mind boggling (to me anyway) that 6kids can be afforded!

I don't really understand having three kids, it not working out so having 3more!*

and so fast too, 3 kids in 6 years I think someone said earlier, wonder how long it took him with the ex, man needs to learn what a condom is for.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 04/03/2022 19:49

MrRuRue

You are moaning that your DW is posting anonymously on an anonymous internet forum, read by strangers who will never meet you?

Grow up, put your DW's needs first and stop being at the beck and call of your ex

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 19:57

@VelvetChairGirl

I really dont know what your problem is I think its pure jealousy, really you want the ex to fuck off with her kids and never bother your family so you can pretend he doesn't have previous responsibilities, and you are pissed off she exits and he's having to take responsibility of his other kids whom you clearly dislike and see as a burden.

you have stated already he is fine with it and up for looking after all his kids, you've stated he has parents that could help if needs be 3 adults watching 6 kids is more then enough and he could get a babysitter, but I am sure he wants none of it because he thinks he will be fine looking after his 6 kids for a single weekend and why shouldn't he be fine? there are plenty of single parents dealing with 6 kids 24/7 alone without issue and accidents happen whatever yes something could happen but far more likely nothing catastrophic will happen, and things can happen if you are there too as proven by your example, you said they cause injury everytime they are round, well that shows you being there makes no difference doesn't it.

its you thats making a mountain out of a mole hill, blaming the other mother saying she's doing it deliberately etc to ruin your day, well tough titty he's a father of 3 older kids he has 50% responsibility for looking after them and paying for them, its what he signed up for when he decided to have 3 children with her, parenting is unpredictable, deal with it and stop moaning its no one else's fault you cant have your birthday getaway but you if you decide to dig your heels in and not trust him to look after his own children.

I wrote a lengthy post in response to this but deleted it as I have no desire to engage with somebody as ridiculous as you. Honestly, get a grip.
OP posts:
VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 20:00

I have read all your posts and that is my conclusion from everything you have said.

you are just looking for excuses not to leave him to father the 6 children he chose to create. thats on your decision, no ones stopping you buggering off for weekend.

AllOfUsAreDead · 04/03/2022 20:05

@VelvetChairGirl

I have read all your posts and that is my conclusion from everything you have said.

you are just looking for excuses not to leave him to father the 6 children he chose to create. thats on your decision, no ones stopping you buggering off for weekend.

Ding ding ding we've found the ex.
BadNomad · 04/03/2022 20:07

@VelvetChairGirl

I have read all your posts and that is my conclusion from everything you have said.

you are just looking for excuses not to leave him to father the 6 children he chose to create. thats on your decision, no ones stopping you buggering off for weekend.

Except she doesn't want to bugger off for the weekend. She wants to relax at home where she knows her kids are all safe and asleep. As planned.
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 04/03/2022 20:19

I was thinking the same thing @AllOfUsAreDead

Mydogmylife · 04/03/2022 20:19

@VelvetChairGirl

I really dont know what your problem is I think its pure jealousy, really you want the ex to fuck off with her kids and never bother your family so you can pretend he doesn't have previous responsibilities, and you are pissed off she exits and he's having to take responsibility of his other kids whom you clearly dislike and see as a burden.

you have stated already he is fine with it and up for looking after all his kids, you've stated he has parents that could help if needs be 3 adults watching 6 kids is more then enough and he could get a babysitter, but I am sure he wants none of it because he thinks he will be fine looking after his 6 kids for a single weekend and why shouldn't he be fine? there are plenty of single parents dealing with 6 kids 24/7 alone without issue and accidents happen whatever yes something could happen but far more likely nothing catastrophic will happen, and things can happen if you are there too as proven by your example, you said they cause injury everytime they are round, well that shows you being there makes no difference doesn't it.

its you thats making a mountain out of a mole hill, blaming the other mother saying she's doing it deliberately etc to ruin your day, well tough titty he's a father of 3 older kids he has 50% responsibility for looking after them and paying for them, its what he signed up for when he decided to have 3 children with her, parenting is unpredictable, deal with it and stop moaning its no one else's fault you cant have your birthday getaway but you if you decide to dig your heels in and not trust him to look after his own children.

Never read such bollocks in my life
whynotwhatknot · 04/03/2022 20:21

So hes stil refusing to say no to his ex?

AprilShowers82 · 04/03/2022 20:22

@VelvetChairGirl are you the ex 😂😂😂

AmyDudley · 04/03/2022 20:33

VelvetChairGirl

*I really dont know what your problem is I think its pure jealousy, really you want the ex to fuck off with her kids and never bother your family so you can pretend he doesn't have previous responsibilities, and you are pissed off she exits and he's having to take responsibility of his other kids whom you clearly dislike and see as a burden.

you have stated already he is fine with it and up for looking after all his kids, you've stated he has parents that could help if needs be 3 adults watching 6 kids is more then enough and he could get a babysitter, but I am sure he wants none of it because he thinks he will be fine looking after his 6 kids for a single weekend and why shouldn't he be fine? there are plenty of single parents dealing with 6 kids 24/7 alone without issue and accidents happen whatever yes something could happen but far more likely nothing catastrophic will happen, and things can happen if you are there too as proven by your example, you said they cause injury everytime they are round, well that shows you being there makes no difference doesn't it.

its you thats making a mountain out of a mole hill, blaming the other mother saying she's doing it deliberately etc to ruin your day, well tough titty he's a father of 3 older kids he has 50% responsibility for looking after them and paying for them, its what he signed up for when he decided to have 3 children with her, parenting is unpredictable, deal with it and stop moaning its no one else's fault you cant have your birthday getaway but you if you decide to dig your heels in and not trust him to look after his own children.*

You've lost your mind Hen, This is one of the most ludicrous posts I've read on MN and I've been on here for years and seen posts nuttier than squirrel shit.

Chloemol · 04/03/2022 20:43

@VelvetChairGirl

I really dont know what your problem is I think its pure jealousy, really you want the ex to fuck off with her kids and never bother your family so you can pretend he doesn't have previous responsibilities, and you are pissed off she exits and he's having to take responsibility of his other kids whom you clearly dislike and see as a burden.

you have stated already he is fine with it and up for looking after all his kids, you've stated he has parents that could help if needs be 3 adults watching 6 kids is more then enough and he could get a babysitter, but I am sure he wants none of it because he thinks he will be fine looking after his 6 kids for a single weekend and why shouldn't he be fine? there are plenty of single parents dealing with 6 kids 24/7 alone without issue and accidents happen whatever yes something could happen but far more likely nothing catastrophic will happen, and things can happen if you are there too as proven by your example, you said they cause injury everytime they are round, well that shows you being there makes no difference doesn't it.

its you thats making a mountain out of a mole hill, blaming the other mother saying she's doing it deliberately etc to ruin your day, well tough titty he's a father of 3 older kids he has 50% responsibility for looking after them and paying for them, its what he signed up for when he decided to have 3 children with her, parenting is unpredictable, deal with it and stop moaning its no one else's fault you cant have your birthday getaway but you if you decide to dig your heels in and not trust him to look after his own children.

Glad to see you actually read all the ops posts

I suggest you re read then apologise

The older child causes issues. Dads blinkered, op is concerned about the baby

It’s the mother’s turn to have the kids, but now she suddenly needs time away, - why? And why are you being nasty about her wanting time to herself for no reason? She also has other childcare options. He should have said no, he is aware plans have already been made, but didn't.

You really are nasty in my opinion,

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