Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Jedsnewstar · 04/03/2022 17:47

If he can’t handle six kids he shouldn’t have had six kids.
He doesn’t sound much of a catch

strawberryapricotpie · 04/03/2022 17:47

@twinmum2007

Does your 'you time' HAVE to be on your birthday? Can't you arrange to do it the following week?
Why should the OP have to reschedule her celebrations to fit around the ex?
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 17:52

She didn't "decide to change it". like a poster said above, she asked your DH if he could look after the kids - which she is within her rights to do - and he's agreed. If he agrees, that's on him. Doesn't make her "manipulative" 🙄 you're acting as if he's the babysitter, not a parent in his own right.

She did decide to change the contact schedule. Friday and Saturday were her days with the kids.

By telling OH she planned to go to her mum's she knew he would have them, even if it meant missing work.

She is manipulative, even social services concluded as much.

I started this read making it clear I'm angry with him, not her, but I'm not going to sit here and say she's a reasonable and decent person because she's not.

I don't expect her to care about my birthday btw, that was in response to somebody saying they thought she probably knew it was my birthday and did it on purpose.

OP posts:
AmyDudley · 04/03/2022 17:52

Does your 'you time' HAVE to be on your birthday? Can't you arrange to do it the following week?

Or - the ex wife could have her 'me time' the following week when it is the DP's turn to have the children. rather than expect everyone to rearrange round her whim.

but if course this is MN when anyone who would like a few hours to themselves on their birthday is considered unutterably selfish and demanding, The MN woman expects nothing on her birthday, no 'happy birthday' no card, no present, no cake, no balloons. She welcomes vile inconsiderate behaviour thrown at her because she is a grown up and should have given up birthdays long ago.

Eddielizzard · 04/03/2022 17:55

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. AT ALL. Of course he should have said no. How he handles it now will tell you everything you need to know. I'm admiring of your grey rock treatment of the ex - she is manipulative and conniving and I'd bet money that she knew it was your birthday.

Member869894 · 04/03/2022 17:55

I think saying that you can't leave the youngest with him because you'd worry is ridiculous. He's the parent!! You are enabling him to be crap. Leave him with all six and let him get on with it. I wouldn't give the ex the joy of letting her know it was a problem to you.

GingerWit · 04/03/2022 18:00

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

Odd...he's put her having a break before you having a Birthday break. -He- knew it was your Birthday regardless of whether she did or not. This is all on him. I would be asking why his Ex's request was put above what he advised you to do in the first place? Which was to take a break....
Caterinasballerinas · 04/03/2022 18:01

Surely you don’t have to tell her what the plans are that mean you can’t say yes. You could imply that your DM is looking after the kids because you have something expensive pre booked. To make it so she knows you won’t back down and then hopefully she will decide not to make her trip with DC in tow that weekend

TonkinLenkicks · 04/03/2022 18:04

I can't believe that everyone (minus the OP) in this RL situation is so blaze about the paedophile down the road who most likely has access to his children.

For what's it's worth you're totally NBU and he's being a twat

Londoncallingme · 04/03/2022 18:06

Just tell him you’re not changing plans and leave him with all the kids and have a sleepover and pamper night at your mums.

diddl · 04/03/2022 18:07

"By telling OH she planned to go to her mum's she knew he would have them, even if it meant missing work.

She is manipulative, even social services concluded as much."

So is he trying to do anything about the situation?

aloris · 04/03/2022 18:20

Sorry to read and run, but you indicated the oldest child is almost your size and is still boisterous to the point of being unsafe, and this makes me think you need to be more assertive about asking your husband to initiate evaluation. I would take a very dim view of his lackadaisical attitude towards your baby's safety, personally. Is he just putting his head in the sand? Why be afraid of getting this child evaluated?

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 18:30

Is he trying to do anything about her being manipulative? In short no.

I feel as though he doesn't want to call her bluff on whether she will or won't take them around the sex offender, because he can't be sure whether he's there or not and doesn't want to risk it. He's also aware that SS will likely take the kids away from her if she does. He would sooner drop whatever he's doing, be it work or commitments to me, to have the kids so he can feel satisfied that they're not around him.

I would take a very dim view of his lackadaisical attitude towards your baby's safety, personally. Is he just putting his head in the sand? Why be afraid of getting this child evaluated?

I have and I do, that's why I'm so reluctant to leave baby around when I'm not there. He's blinkered. In the past when there have been incidents resulting in harm to the small ones due to reckless behaviour he has become incredibly defensive over DSS. He refuses to believe he's anything other than NT despite blatant evidence to the contrary IMO.

We've spoken about it again tonight and I asked him whether he could guarantee that none of our kids would end up injured again. He paused for a minute and said "I will do my best"

OP posts:
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 18:39

If it was just 5 of them and the oldest could go to his aunt, for example, I wouldn't be as concerned. The oldest is the one that causes the vast majority of these accidents and is the instigator of the madness behaviour.

OH would never impose such a separation though because the oldest would feel singled out and it would cause no end of trouble and hurt feelings.

It would still mess up my plans of a relaxing evening on the Friday if the other two came, but I wouldn't be as reluctant to go off and do the lunch/shopping with my mum on the Saturday.

It's all hypothetical though because it wouldn't happen, he'll either have all of them or none of them.

He's saying he respects my position but is still trying to change my mind by making suggestions none of which actually help (unlike alot of the advice here)

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 04/03/2022 18:39

We've spoken about it again tonight and I asked him whether he could guarantee that none of our kids would end up injured again. He paused for a minute and said "I will do my best"

@RuRue So he will step up to rightly protect his older DC from contact with an abuser, but will not act to provide a safe home for your younger DC by acknowledging there may be an issue worth investigating with the oldest child? Have you tried challenging him on that OP, the inequality in his attitude about risk around his DC.

Mydogmylife · 04/03/2022 18:44

@Motherhubbardscupboard

Am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for him, i don't think he's being an arse. This is a dad who doesn't live with his kids who's having to turn down additional contact time so I understand why he said yes. I do see that if he expects you to be there that is unfair so he either needs to do it himself or make it up to you another time.
Yes I think you are. He knew this was a special weekend for op ( and very likely so did his ex) op has confirmed that he has plenty of C tact with these children, and to be honest it's the expectation that op will do all the grunt work looking after them. He's being at best a total pushover where ex is concerned , at worst a total dick to op.
spotcheck · 04/03/2022 18:44

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

It's not up to her to remember your birthday!!! Your DH should have said no!!
JustLyra · 04/03/2022 18:44

I feel as though he doesn't want to call her bluff on whether she will or won't take them around the sex offender, because he can't be sure whether he's there or not and doesn't want to risk it. He's also aware that SS will likely take the kids away from her if she does. He would sooner drop whatever he's doing, be it work or commitments to me, to have the kids so he can feel satisfied that they're not around him.

Tbh if he was a half decent father and he genuinely thinks that their mother would have them round a sex offender he’d be making plans to have them full time because if she’s that lazy about their safety then she’s going to put them at risk with the man at some

He refuses to believe he's anything other than NT despite blatant evidence to the contrary IMO.

So as well as leaving them with a parent who endangers them he’s also failing his child by refusing to get him the assessments and help he needs.

We've spoken about it again tonight and I asked him whether he could guarantee that none of our kids would end up injured again. He paused for a minute and said "I will do my best"

So there are none of his children that he’s not failing through his inactions.

Howshouldibehave · 04/03/2022 18:45

He's saying he respects my position but is still trying to change my mind by making suggestions

I would be saying, ‘if you respect my position, then you will stop there and stop trying to change my mind. You agreed to let me have a birthday treat and have completely backtracked-I want you to say no to her.’

tara66 · 04/03/2022 19:01

Well, I have been told by others that ''birthday celebrations are for children'' and have even been laughed at that it is a ''big thing''' for adults- so you could think you can change your date for your celebration or just think ''birthdays are for children''. I now believe it is childish to go on about one's own birthday especially if no one else does!

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 19:01

I told him I posted here and that alot of people agreed with me that he was being an arse (not all, for balance)

He's annoyed now because I'm talking about our private lives on the internet moaning about the kids to strangers.

OP posts:
santasnothere · 04/03/2022 19:10

A man who has 6 children?
I'm expecting a Demi-god or at least he's loaded?
Can he hire a couple of nannies to help him?

diddl · 04/03/2022 19:11

"Tbh if he was a half decent father and he genuinely thinks that their mother would have them round a sex offender he’d be making plans to have them full time because if she’s that lazy about their safety then she’s going to put them at risk with the man at some"

Yup!

BulletTrain · 04/03/2022 19:11

No he isn't. He's annoyed that the truth makes him look bad. Including that he had 3 children with such an irresponsible mother who lies about the presence of a child abuser in her family home!

JustLyra · 04/03/2022 19:11

@tara66

Well, I have been told by others that ''birthday celebrations are for children'' and have even been laughed at that it is a ''big thing''' for adults- so you could think you can change your date for your celebration or just think ''birthdays are for children''. I now believe it is childish to go on about one's own birthday especially if no one else does!
The birthday is a complete red herring

They have plans. Doesn’t matter if it’s a birthday, anniversary, work promotion, or whatever.