He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

Of course he can handle 6 of them..... Cancelling is just ridiculous. Go. And make sure you turn your bloody phone off

OP, you are blaming far too much of this on the ex. Leaving aside her judgement of people she might allow to be near her children, she has done nothing wrong by asking her children’s father if they can look after them. Parenting doesn’t fit neatly into pre arranged contact schedules. She asked, as she has every right to do, and he said yes.

You are the only person with a problem with this. Maybe you’re right to be concerned about the safety of your baby in your husbands care when he has all his other children, but that isn’t the ex’s problem and nor is your birthday. She hasn’t got you by the balls at all, you are choosing this position. Maybe she’d be shocked that you want a whole night away from a four month old baby because that would be considered very young by a lot of people, so it wouldn’t occur to her that her children’s father might have too many children to look after alone.

@RuRue

It’s OPs fault that she has a husband that she has had multiple children with who can’t manage the children he already had, yes. In that decisions she and he made together have compounded a problem that already was hard. She has to take at least some of the responsibility. The youngest child is 4 months, she would have been aware of the way the older kids were before she had that baby. She made choices and this is the outcome. It’s not fair and I feel for her, but it’s not the ex’s fault.

Ok so for a start he has never claimed he can't manage all of his kids. Each one is as loved and wanted as the one before them.

The challenging behaviour the older two are exhibiting now wasn't as much of an issue as it is now, and if you were to ask him I'm sure he'd tell you he doesn't think it's unmanageable. It's me who thinks it is.

He can cope with them just fine, but there's a distinction to be drawn between coping and being able to keep the smaller ones safe.

If I haven't made clear my POV on that then that's an error on my part. He can cope with his kids. What he cannot do, however, is ensure without margin for error that the smaller ones won't be hurt. The probability of that happening is much higher If it's only him supervising. He can't keep his eyes on all of them if he's cooking or changing a nappy for example.

We were both here and present yesterday, coping just fine, but that didn't stop DS (3) being sent flying off his chair because they can be unpredictable. One minute they were happily playing on the PlayStation in the back room and the next minute they're speeding into the living room rugby tackling one another off furniture.

He hasn't said, and wouldn't say that I cannot leave all 6 with him. He said himself their his kids and he'll have to look after them. So he's prepared to do his bit as he should be but being pulled in all directions by older kids who likely have SN, two toddlers and a baby - is totally unmanageable in my opinion.

My DS and DD go to a small independent nursery that only has 11 or 12 children between the ages of 2 and 5. They have three members of staff supervising at all times because otherwise it's not safe.

The expectation that I'm here every time they come has just come to be how it is, because i know that it would be total mayhem otherwise, despite his best efforts.

If I said I'm going to the hotel on my own, they're your 6 kids so suck it up, he would say no problem at all.

The problem then is not that he's on tenderhooks, it's that i would be, because i have seen time and time again how the oldest twos behaviour puts the babies at risk.

So what you are saying is YOU don’t think he can do it. He is perfectly happy to have them all, which is different to what you said at the beginning that he expects you to be there when his kids are there. It can’t be both. If you dont trust your husband to look after his kids then fine, that’s fair, but that’s on you, not his ex. From her perspective she wants their dad to look after their kids (that existed long before your baby that is suddenly the reason they can’t stay if you aren’t also there) so why is that her fault? It’s not. You are being a bit of a martyr, that you will be to blame if she takes her kids where this man is, that you can’t possibly leave your husband with his own children. You can. You just choose not to.

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

Of course he can handle 6 of them..... Cancelling is just ridiculous. Go. And make sure you turn your bloody phone off

Cancel the cheque 🙄🙄

There is a real lack of reading comprehension on this thread!

I couldn't relax while leaving my 4 month old baby behind either.

Maybe she’d be shocked that you want a whole night away from a four month old baby because that would be considered very young by a lot of people, so it wouldn’t occur to her that her children’s father might have too many children to look after alone.

I don't want a full night away from my baby, where's that come from?

If I went to a hotel that would be with my baby.

My plan was to have a couple of drinks and a pamper at home on Friday once my kids were in bed, say from 7ish. Followed by a good night's sleep where I'm not doing night feeds.

The drinks / relaxation wouldn't be possible with DSC here as they don't go to sleep until about 10.30.

Then I planned to meet my DM for lunch and shopping on the Saturday, child free. A very rare occasion and not something I've done in about 18 months.

Do you happen to have a friend or family member of the right age, who can join you for your birthday. as in go out to eat and drinks etc, then perhaps stay with them overnight, instead of the Premier inn, and then just leave your partner to deal with all the children in the interim.

It's a bit of a hassle, but if you must celebrate your birthday, it's a bit of freedom.

I'm not being a martyr, my children have been injured several times at the hands of the older ones.

Would anybody honestly feel comfortable leaving their tiny baby in an environment with only one adult supervising where that's likely to happen.

Some will say it's not his exes problem, ok perhaps not if it happens on our contact time, but making plans that disrupt the contact schedule unless important is on her.

She shouldn't be able to just decide we're having them extra just because she wants to go off on a whim, it just so happens that this time coincides with my birthday so I'm annoyed about it.

And she knows full well OH will drop whatever plans he has, even if he's at work, as soon as she mentions going to her mum's and being around the sex offender. It's manipulative and out of line.

Can he take the DSC's to the premier inn so you can have your pamper night then take all 6 to visit his parents on Saturday lunchtime?

RuRue if you are who I think you are then the ex is just a smokescreen to the fact that your DH said yes and had a solution to it that involved you taking the baby

Possibly because he didnt want the responsibility of a 4 month old. If you are that poster you have had a lot of good advice you need to read through

@RuRue

I'm not being a martyr, my children have been injured several times at the hands of the older ones.

Would anybody honestly feel comfortable leaving their tiny baby in an environment with only one adult supervising where that's likely to happen.

Some will say it's not his exes problem, ok perhaps not if it happens on our contact time, but making plans that disrupt the contact schedule unless important is on her.

She shouldn't be able to just decide we're having them extra just because she wants to go off on a whim, it just so happens that this time coincides with my birthday so I'm annoyed about it.

I would consider it totally normal to leave all the dc in a family at home with one of their parents.

If there is a concern about injury to the baby then your dp needs to keep the baby with him, in a sling. He could also think about how to engage the older ones in an activity that makes in less likely they will be disruptive.

A parent of six children should be able to handle all their children alone for one night.

If he couldn’t cope with six children he shouldn’t have had six children.

Nobody expects her to plan around my birthday. The expectation has only ever been that she plans around the current contact schedule, not just decide to change it because she fancies going and having tea with a paedophile or at best just a paedophile sympathiser

But you literally said earlier in the thread that "she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me a card"

She didn't "decide to change it". like a poster said above, she asked your DH if he could look after the kids - which she is within her rights to do - and he's agreed. If he agrees, that's on him. Doesn't make her "manipulative" 🙄 you're acting as if he's the babysitter, not a parent in his own right.

Co parenting doesn't always fit in with pre arranged schedules. Things change due to family stuff, illness, work, other plans etc. this is between your DH and his ex to agree between them. But if both of them agree to something, that doesn't make it the ex's fault!

You love your DH so it's easier to make his ex the scapegoat to absolve him of blame. I get it. That doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

Doesn't matter whether she know or not ( she definitely did) the fact remains HE did and should've behaved accordingly !

I've raised two rambunctious kids with ADHD, one extremely physical and there are certainly ways of managing these behaviours. For instance, if what you said had happened (tearing into rooms and doing something physically impulsive and knocking something or someone down then we'd practise it. Over and over and over and over again. "right, we are going to practise walking into the room and sitting down in a controlled manner." If it didn't stick we'd do it again, and again and again and again each time an incident happened until they were heartily sick of the whole thing.

We also required the kids to be in sports and on days they didn't do sports we went out and did something active for at least an hour. If they were home and had excess energy then I gave them something to do to use it up. They had a pull up bar on their bedroom door and got really good at pushups.

I've looked after kids who bit who needed constant supervision. You absolutely can take kids with you if you are cooking or changing a nappy or going to the toilet.

My very physical kid had little screen time growing up because the behaviour got a lot worse the more time they did. Playing on playstation for any length of time was going to result in the sort of uncontrolled behaviour you describe.

I really dislike the way women underestimate what there other half can do... he won't cope with 6 children... well he never will when women continue to rescue him. He is a big boy tell him you are going to have your birthday and IF! He can't cope let him deal with it like the big boy he is... you can bet he will never make this mistake again if you leave him to it. He is a responsible adult and responsible for this situation.

@FairyCakeWings oh piss off 🙄 doubt the ex is “shocked” about wanting one night off from a baby considering she’s fine and dandy with her kids being exposed to a convicted paedophile. Hardly mother of the year, is she? Go away with your bitchy judgemental comment.

OP you don’t need to justify yourself here. Your partner has been a pushover, I’d be really disappointed too. It’s your birthday, being a mum is hard and you deserve a break. I’m glad you’ve told him to rearrange. Please stand your ground!! X

@User112

Is the ex a narcissist? Did she intentionally do this knowing it’s your birthday? My MIL and SIL2 are like that and DH just can’t see it.

Crikey. Good armchair psychology there. Do you know what narcissist means? Why should the ex give a shit about OPs birthday? I think she's got enough on her plate to be playing mind games.

@CombatBarbie

He chose to have 6 kids, he can mange on his own. Do not cancel your plans and do book a Premier Inn for the Friday for yourself alone.... With wine and pampering and a takeaway.

Well to be fair, both women agreed to have 3 children each. 3 is quite a lot and I am particularly surprised that OP, knowing he already had 3, then had 3 herself.

Happy birthday OP. As a present to yourself make next year a better one.

Your DP needs to be more scared of your wrath than the ex’s. Until that happens you will get no respect.

If the reason he has to have the kids is to avoid them coming into contact with a ‘sex offender’, he is seriously negligent in not reporting this to the police and social services, if the sex offender is banned from having contact with children.

If the ‘sex offender’ has no such ban in place, the courts have no found s/he presents any risk to children, so the possibility of coming into contact with this person is no reason to prevent the ex from having the children.

I'd go anyway. His own stupid fault for saying yes. Can't believe he told you to get a premier inn with one of the kids. Honestly.

Essentially if I say no way, and she takes them and they're around that person.. I'll be made to feel responsible as it was avoidable.

Even though she claims that person is no longer on the scene, I don't quite believe it.

None of this is in anyway your problem.

Whatever the drama is with his ex and kids it's his problem. Don't let him make you feel guilty, just go to the premier Inn on your own, it's only you stopping yourself by feeling guilty. He said yes, that's on him.

YANBU to leave him to it with the kids, YABU if you expect his ex to know or care when your birthday is. My ex has been with his partner 15 years and I would not have a clue when her birthday was

Does your 'you time' HAVE to be on your birthday? Can't you arrange to do it the following week?