He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

YANBU he made the mess, he can sort it out. His ex shouldn't be calling the shots in your relationship, he needs to man up and tell her her plans aren't convenient and that she will have to review them. You deserve some time for yourself , I hope you get the birthday you had planned.

If a woman had 6 children, she would be expected to be able to care for them for a night and day alone. Same goes for a man. Pack yourself off and enjoy the rest.

To answer you AIBU - no you’re not. I hope your OH manages to rearrange having the children so that you can have a relaxing birthday.

Re the older boys potentially having ADHD, my best advice (if you’re not doing so already) is to research ADHD and treat them as if they had a confirmed diagnosis.

@Fatgalslim

This isn’t her fault. This is on him and if he can’t manage his own kids by himself then that is also on you for allowing that to be the case

So now it's OP's fault?!

It’s OPs fault that she has a husband that she has had multiple children with who can’t manage the children he already had, yes. In that decisions she and he made together have compounded a problem that already was hard. She has to take at least some of the responsibility. The youngest child is 4 months, she would have been aware of the way the older kids were before she had that baby. She made choices and this is the outcome. It’s not fair and I feel for her, but it’s not the ex’s fault.

suck it up - don't let him or the ex know how pissed off you are......

Arrange for the same time off - the first weekend you can - tell him - don't take "No" for an answer...

Just a suggestion, but for kids with ADHD, being physically exhausted usually takes the edge off the rambunctiousness and impulsivity. When they come to stay I would suggest your DH takes them outside to run, jump, cycle, anything physically active for a good couple of hours every morning and again after lunch.
Also, some foods trigger some children.. food dyes are often a culprit so sweets, prepared foods and soft drinks can result in wilder behaviour
Lastly a really robust routine and expectations/rules can help to tame the impulsivity. So ‘we never run in the house’. ‘We never jump on furniture in the house’. Every time they run or jump inside you correct them and make them go back and try again. If you keep at it consistently it will eventually impact how they handle themselves. Dont punish them (because as you know they forget about those and arent intending to be bad) but correct and practice the desired behaviour.

It is all sabotage!

Personally I would (and have indeed done) move my birthday. I have not opened cards, or any presents and changed the date!

Move your birthday to the following weekend and have your special time then when you can relax and enjoy it without so much worry.

Don't let your special time be overshadowed by this annoyance.

He wouldn't have to turn down contact time if he was a competent father

This line of thinking really baffles me. This wasn't scheduled contact time. So if a father ever has plans and has to turn down extra contact...he's not a competent parent? The mother is also turning down contact time, is she not? Is there any circumstances that would allow him to turn down the mother's request for 'extra contact time' that wouldn't brand him incompetent?

For the love of god, how many more are going to tell OP to just go to a hotel?

I'll spell it out (in case you have missed the other 20 times OP has)
OP cannot relax leaving a 4MO baby at home with DH and DSC. They are rowdy and she would be worried about the baby, and also her toddlers.
So that is not a solution.

Only solution is her DH tells exW he cannot have the DSC.

Its not because OP hates them or thinks her birthday trumps them. Its not because her DH is a useless turd who can't watch 6 kids. Its because the behaviour of the older DC means they need TWO parents there pretty much all of the time. her DH is perfectly capable of looking after the younger 3 DC with no issue, allowing OP to relax.

It is because she arranged to have a few glasses of wine and a bubble bath, once the little ones were tucked up in bed in her OWN HOME, on her birthday when DSC were not going to be there.
In other words she was looking forward to a very much needed chill the fuck out session, which has been taken away from her.

OP, I completely sympathise and I hope he sorts it out and tells his ex he can't have them. Its not like you were asking for alot, just a glass of wine, some chill time and a days shopping with your mum.

I honestly think if he can't rearrange, he owes you big time. To the tune of an overnight stay for you in a spa hotel when he doesnt have the DSC children over and he can watch the others just fine, so you can relax properly. Take your mum even and shop the next day.

It’s OPs fault that she has a husband that she has had multiple children with who can’t manage the children he already had, yes. In that decisions she and he made together have compounded a problem that already was hard. She has to take at least some of the responsibility. The youngest child is 4 months, she would have been aware of the way the older kids were before she had that baby. She made choices and this is the outcome. It’s not fair and I feel for her, but it’s not the ex’s fault.

Ok so for a start he has never claimed he can't manage all of his kids. Each one is as loved and wanted as the one before them.

The challenging behaviour the older two are exhibiting now wasn't as much of an issue as it is now, and if you were to ask him I'm sure he'd tell you he doesn't think it's unmanageable. It's me who thinks it is.

He can cope with them just fine, but there's a distinction to be drawn between coping and being able to keep the smaller ones safe.

If I haven't made clear my POV on that then that's an error on my part. He can cope with his kids. What he cannot do, however, is ensure without margin for error that the smaller ones won't be hurt. The probability of that happening is much higher If it's only him supervising. He can't keep his eyes on all of them if he's cooking or changing a nappy for example.

We were both here and present yesterday, coping just fine, but that didn't stop DS (3) being sent flying off his chair because they can be unpredictable. One minute they were happily playing on the PlayStation in the back room and the next minute they're speeding into the living room rugby tackling one another off furniture.

He hasn't said, and wouldn't say that I cannot leave all 6 with him. He said himself their his kids and he'll have to look after them. So he's prepared to do his bit as he should be but being pulled in all directions by older kids who likely have SN, two toddlers and a baby - is totally unmanageable in my opinion.

My DS and DD go to a small independent nursery that only has 11 or 12 children between the ages of 2 and 5. They have three members of staff supervising at all times because otherwise it's not safe.

The expectation that I'm here every time they come has just come to be how it is, because i know that it would be total mayhem otherwise, despite his best efforts.

If I said I'm going to the hotel on my own, they're your 6 kids so suck it up, he would say no problem at all.

The problem then is not that he's on tenderhooks, it's that i would be, because i have seen time and time again how the oldest twos behaviour puts the babies at risk.

@Olive19741205

He wouldn't have to turn down contact time if he was a competent father

This line of thinking really baffles me. This wasn't scheduled contact time. So if a father ever has plans and has to turn down extra contact...he's not a competent parent? The mother is also turning down contact time, is she not? Is there any circumstances that would allow him to turn down the mother's request for 'extra contact time' that wouldn't brand him incompetent?

If he was a competent father he would accept the additional contact without question but he cant because he's not competent. He wants the contact but physically is not capable of providing it. That's incompetence.

If he's got plans and needs to switch the schedule that's fine - it happens. That's different to him having to give up contact because his wife isn't there.

@SeaToSki

Just a suggestion, but for kids with ADHD, being physically exhausted usually takes the edge off the rambunctiousness and impulsivity. When they come to stay I would suggest your DH takes them outside to run, jump, cycle, anything physically active for a good couple of hours every morning and again after lunch. Also, some foods trigger some children.. food dyes are often a culprit so sweets, prepared foods and soft drinks can result in wilder behaviour Lastly a really robust routine and expectations/rules can help to tame the impulsivity. So ‘we never run in the house’. ‘We never jump on furniture in the house’. Every time they run or jump inside you correct them and make them go back and try again. If you keep at it consistently it will eventually impact how they handle themselves. Dont punish them (because as you know they forget about those and arent intending to be bad) but correct and practice the desired behaviour.

I will relay that. Thank you it's helpful

@Bookworm20

For the love of god, how many more are going to tell OP to just go to a hotel?

I'll spell it out (in case you have missed the other 20 times OP has)
OP cannot relax leaving a 4MO baby at home with DH and DSC. They are rowdy and she would be worried about the baby, and also her toddlers.
So that is not a solution.

Only solution is her DH tells exW he cannot have the DSC.

Its not because OP hates them or thinks her birthday trumps them. Its not because her DH is a useless turd who can't watch 6 kids. Its because the behaviour of the older DC means they need TWO parents there pretty much all of the time. her DH is perfectly capable of looking after the younger 3 DC with no issue, allowing OP to relax.

It is because she arranged to have a few glasses of wine and a bubble bath, once the little ones were tucked up in bed in her OWN HOME, on her birthday when DSC were not going to be there.
In other words she was looking forward to a very much needed chill the fuck out session, which has been taken away from her.

OP, I completely sympathise and I hope he sorts it out and tells his ex he can't have them. Its not like you were asking for alot, just a glass of wine, some chill time and a days shopping with your mum.

I honestly think if he can't rearrange, he owes you big time. To the tune of an overnight stay for you in a spa hotel when he doesnt have the DSC children over and he can watch the others just fine, so you can relax properly. Take your mum even and shop the next day.

Thank you so much 😊

My DH's ex has ruined my birthday plans by asking us to have the kids' actually pales into insignificance compared to 'My DH's three older children regularly injure the younger ones to the extent that we can't trust them around our baby, and my DH is too flaky to keep a proper eye on them. Oh and also if we say we can't have the kids this weekend, they'll be spending it with a paedophile, for which I will get the blame even though it's not remotely my fault

This is it in a nutshell.

I'd deal with the immediate problem by taking the baby to your DM's and asking your DH to pay for a babysitter for the baby on Saturday while you're out with your DM. Someone reputable with nursery experience.

It's really not acceptable that your children are at risk of getting hurt in their own home. You and your DH need to have a serious chat about how you can safeguard them more effectively.

Have you posted about this before - did your DD get a head injury from your SS and your partner is useless at any form of discipline

I'd be having serious words here. Does he feel coerced / manipulated by his ex as "she'll just have to take them" (to child abuser)
SS would be taking a very dim view of this as it suggests shes willing to but the children at risk, potentially on occassions when it suits her? So I would try to get to the bottom if this. The children are solely her responsibility, on her contact days. Whilst flexibiltity can be great for both parties, it is questionable who is benefitting here.
Also concerned that the child who is undiagnosed may be presenting with behavioural issues relating to abuse?

I'm not intending to worry you but I think your concerns regarding their behaviour is valid but I would also be very wary of other risks to your own children. Does your OH know of what the abuse risks are? He could speak to SS or make a request via Sarah's law to the police.

He could, even if she so much as makes a veiled threat is to call her out, (re information above) Hes needs to get her to rearrange though this is his problem as he initially agreed to it.

Ring fence every next occasion. Other than emergencies she will have to suck it up and accept that she will have to be a good parent and bot take kids to visit a child abuser.

Enjoy your birthday, whenever you have it.

He needs to go back to her and day my mistake RuRue isn't available that weekend it's her birthday and I can't cope with six kids on my own

What he cannot do, however, is ensure without margin for error that the smaller ones won't be hurt.

The problem then is not that he's on tenderhooks, it's that i would be, because i have seen time and time again how the oldest twos behaviour puts the babies at risk.

Oh well, if that's the way you're determined to think about it (ie worrying about something that. might happen) then there's not much advice anyone can give is there?

You seem hellbent on just directing this into a "his ex is a bitch and should change her plans" narrative instead of just thinking "oh well, his stupid mistake - he'll have to cope on his own then".

Stop being a martyr. Either change your weekend because you don't want (and that's want, not can't) leave your dc's alone with their father and their step-siblings or go ahead with your plans and think "sod it, he'll just have to cope with whatever may or may not happen".

Stop using your dh's - what is in your mind - error to have a pop at what a cow his ex is.

I know I am coming in late into the thread but I have to say I am livid on your behalf! Wanting a glass of wine and a bubble bath on occasion is hardly a big ask!

I also wouldn’t leave 6 kids including a baby alone with him if you aren’t comfortable.

Good for you standing up for yourself, I hope you have a nice lunch with your Mom. Sounds like you deserve it!

Ok, as he owes you big time for putting you through the disappointment and non-consideration I think that for your birthday weekend you should go away with your baby for a compromised weekend but the weekend after have the birthday weekend you had planned. And don't back down.

there's a distinction to be drawn between coping and being able to keep the smaller ones safe.

No there isn't, that's literally what coping is!

That doesn't make it his fault that he can't. You've said you would struggle to yourself with all six alone so fair enough. But if your step-children's behaviour is so dangerous and disruptive then he needs to make sure they're not there on your birthday, and it's majorly rubbish of him that he has voluntarily not done that.

I think you're in the right re the safety of the baby, that is very little and I'd bet your instincts regarding not wanting to leave them are on point.

If you are always the last priority in your family you will burn out sooner or later.

I should add that I am from a family with a number of kids in the double digits and I would love to have seen my mum's face at the idea of not being able to leave six of us with my dad. (Or even me, past a certain age!) But with such a small baby you need to be careful, especially as it's the oldest two (and presumably biggest) who pose the risk. Hopefully it will start to get easier as your own kids get older.