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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 14:34

what about his family? wheres his mother, his brothers and sisters etc, he can call one of them to help, or get a baby sitter if he cant cope with all the kids he keeps making.

aloris · 04/03/2022 14:34

First, I think your husband needs to be more strategic about how he talks to his ex. The conversation with her could have gone differently if he had backed her into a corner of admitting that she knew the forbidden person would be at her mother's house. He needs to be in a position where he can hold her to her commitment not to expose her children to that person, otherwise, as you say, she can simply say she will take the children to her mother's house if he doesn't agree to have them, and then she will have total control over his schedule.

I think she found out he had booked days off work, and deliberately chose to ask him to take them on those days, because that way she maximises her downtime, with no cost to herself. The reason I think this is because, as you say, he would normally be working those days. Such a request from her would therefore require YOU to watch all 6 kids alone, and I doubt she would do that just to go hang at her mother's place, on short notice. Because if it was just up to you, then she would not have the same leverage.

I would never forget this, personally, and I would make sure he knows that. I guess it's not very Christian of me, but on the other hand, your goal here is to get your own oxygen mask on. You will not be able to do that as long as his ex controls him like this. His ex needs to self-regulate her choices so that she is not exposing her children to this person, and your husband needs to not live in fear that if he doesn't jump on command, his children might be put in danger.

Are the two children being assessed for ADHD? If not, I think you should push back on that much harder. Your husband has the right to initiate a request for an evaluation because he is their parent. I understand your reticence to push hard, but you are literally afraid for the safety of your baby. That is not ok for you, it is not ok for your baby, and it is not ok that your husband is allowing your baby to be in that situation. Also, an older child can seriously hurt your toddler (even unintentionally) depending on the size difference and the amount of rowdiness. Even if you are around to help him supervise all 6 children, your children could still get hurt. There are tools children with ADHD can learn to self-regulate their behavior, but the only way to get that help is through diagnosis. In addition, if the children have an appropriate diagnosis, their mother is likely to get more assistance with their behavior, which may reduce her need for random "breaks" from her kids.

Calennig · 04/03/2022 14:36

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

You really need to break him of this - he always needs to check.

If you really can't leave the younger kids with him ie because they aren't safe not because he'd need to step up - then talk to your Dmum and see if you can modify your plans or delay them to next week.

It does suck - I've had it done to me few times with very young DC and IL being arses or DH magically double or even triple booking.

If you can make it DH or ex's problem to sort - long term this has a much better deterrent effect.

QweenBea · 04/03/2022 14:40

@BruceAndNosh

No, you get him to tell his ex it's not convenient.
Well he will when he realises he will have all 6Smile
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 14:41

OH's parents are elderly and not in the best of help so while they love seeing their GDC it's too much for them to take on any of the actual childcare. OH's siblings don't live in this country so that's them out too.

His ex has her sister who gladly has the kids when she can, her aunt and uncle who've had them several times in the past, her best friend who is the kids godmother and I'm not sure who else.

Why she hasn't asked either of those people I don't know.

I agree with you PP, in that she probably got wind of him booking the time off work and saw an opportunity.

RE assessments and SN - one is currently awaiting assessment (suspected ADHD and dyspraxia) but the older one isn't under investigation for anything at all.

I have gently suggested to OH that I think something is going on with him too but he won't hear of it.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 04/03/2022 14:42

Go and stay at your mums and leave him to it. They are all his kids after all. His name doesn't start with a J does it?

VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 14:44

@Calennig

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

You really need to break him of this - he always needs to check.

If you really can't leave the younger kids with him ie because they aren't safe not because he'd need to step up - then talk to your Dmum and see if you can modify your plans or delay them to next week.

It does suck - I've had it done to me few times with very young DC and IL being arses or DH magically double or even triple booking.

If you can make it DH or ex's problem to sort - long term this has a much better deterrent effect.

he probably wont stop.

because its shifting who the bad guy is here, he can get the op and the ex hating each other and blaming each other for everything while being free from responsibility himself, hes always the good guy to people.

triple booking means 3 people happy with a promise from 1 and those same 3 people blaming those around that 1 for the promise being broken, because why would he make a promise he couldnt keep?

to keep the peace play the nice guy and redirect the problem elsewhere thats why.

Fatgalslim · 04/03/2022 14:46

This isn’t her fault. This is on him and if he can’t manage his own kids by himself then that is also on you for allowing that to be the case

So now it's OP's fault?!

VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 14:51

@RuRue

OH's parents are elderly and not in the best of help so while they love seeing their GDC it's too much for them to take on any of the actual childcare. OH's siblings don't live in this country so that's them out too.

His ex has her sister who gladly has the kids when she can, her aunt and uncle who've had them several times in the past, her best friend who is the kids godmother and I'm not sure who else.

Why she hasn't asked either of those people I don't know.

I agree with you PP, in that she probably got wind of him booking the time off work and saw an opportunity.

RE assessments and SN - one is currently awaiting assessment (suspected ADHD and dyspraxia) but the older one isn't under investigation for anything at all.

I have gently suggested to OH that I think something is going on with him too but he won't hear of it.

I am not saying they look after them all I am saying an extra pair of hands to back him up with 6.

my father is in his 80s with terminal cancer he's still been left unsupervised with my son who is SEN (11 years old) sometimes and been ok, and I left him with my mother many times over his life, she died last year in her 70s.

I am sure 3 people can cope with 6 kids of which only 2 are possibly SEN so they are the ones the father needs to control leaving the other 4 better behaved and young so easier to deal with, in the hands of the grandparents.

what do you mean? do you mean you think your husband has ADHD?, if you dont think he is capable of looking after kids why did you have 3 with him when he already had 3?

user1481840227 · 04/03/2022 14:54

@User112

Is the ex a narcissist? Did she intentionally do this knowing it’s your birthday? My MIL and SIL2 are like that and DH just can’t see it.
My God, what a conclusion to leap to.

More than likely she just felt like she needed a break, asked the childrens dad, he said yes, that's it.

There doesn't have to be a sinister motive!

Tamworth123 · 04/03/2022 14:55

It's not your role to safeguard his kids.

It's his and hers.

If he won't check she's doing so and make sure ahes doing so .... he's a very poor father.

The number of times I've seen shitty parents shift responsibility into step mum for their kids in here. Stop taking it, they need to step up. If he doesn't, what does that tell you about him.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 14:57

@Tamworth123

It's not your role to safeguard his kids.

It's his and hers.

If he won't check she's doing so and make sure ahes doing so .... he's a very poor father.

The number of times I've seen shitty parents shift responsibility into step mum for their kids in here. Stop taking it, they need to step up. If he doesn't, what does that tell you about him.

I disagree. If you have children with a man who already had children you take them on as family and you safeguard them like you would your own.

Additionally, children exposed to abusers are more likely to be more violent, aggressive or whatever in time. They're OP's childrens siblings and they benefit from happy brothers and sisters - not ones exposed to abuse.

MrsMingech · 04/03/2022 14:57

@Tamworth123

It's not your role to safeguard his kids.

It's his and hers.

If he won't check she's doing so and make sure ahes doing so .... he's a very poor father.

The number of times I've seen shitty parents shift responsibility into step mum for their kids in here. Stop taking it, they need to step up. If he doesn't, what does that tell you about him.

It's everyone's role to safeguard any children.
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 14:58

what do you mean? do you mean you think your husband has ADHD?, if you dont think he is capable of looking after kids why did you have 3 with him when he already had 3?

No, his children.

If he wasn't capable of parenting I wouldn't have had 1 child with him let alone 3.

Nobody had an inkling about ADHD when I met him, hyperactive behaviour in small children is to be expected and much easier to handle than when it's much older children rapidly approaching my own height. It's only as they've gotten much older it's become unmanageable.

OH wouldn't even say it's unmanageable though. I think different.

OP posts:
Threeboysandadog · 04/03/2022 15:00

I would take the baby and go to your mum’s from Friday afternoon till Sunday evening. It won’t be the same as a complete break but will safeguard the baby and will be much more relaxing than 6 kids at home. DH can then “owe” you a proper Birthday weekend another time.

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2022 15:11

Ex hasn’t got you by the balls… unless you let her. she will lose her kids if she takes them to that house if he is there. It’s not your contact time so if she needs childcare and dh is unavailable it’s up to her. If he does it this time then it’s game on as far as she is concerned. Dh will of course be concerned and needs to tell her that he will report her to SS if she chooses to endanger her children in this way

betwixtlives · 04/03/2022 15:13

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

Wait why are you blaming her?! It’s your DP who agreed to it you should be annoyed at Confused
Calennig · 04/03/2022 15:14

he probably wont stop.

He could have said no from the off - any threats to have children around an unsuitable person he or OP should be reporting to SS anyway so they can mointor or are aware. That's something the OP shouldn't let drop any time soon with him - he had other options and he can't just get away with blaming the ex.

OP need to hold him accountable - teach him actions have consequences. It's often amazing how often people can change when they find the consquences inconvenient.

However she's judging it not safe to do that by leaving the younger kids with him.

She can try and inist he find childcare/babysitting or try herself and bill him or she can modify her plans so he doens't get to totally derail them, or she can tell him next Saturday she going out (as late as possible to avoid this again) - not the same as on her brithday or with him having time off - but making point OP will still go out.

TheTeenageYears · 04/03/2022 15:19

It's like one of those diagrams in a magazine. There are two adults who make choices about this situation before it lands in your lap. Should ex take children into a situation she shouldn't - yes/no NO obvs so not your problem. If she does, her issue and she suffers the consequences, again not your problem
Should husband say yes to additional contact time when already committed - yes/no NO obvs so not your problem, yes requires him to problem solve a solution which keeps all 6 children safe and doesn't impact you again not your problem.

The problem should never have been yours to solve. How old are the older DC? Most of us when facing a similar problem would turn to electronic entertainment for older one's to allow DH to deal with the younger one's. I'm sure one person being in charge of all 6 DC is going to be a reasonably rare event so maybe there could be different house rules to make it more practical to manage.

minipie · 04/03/2022 15:23

I agree with your proposed solution OP - stand firm and if you somehow end up with the DSC regardless then you very reluctantly take the baby with you and he owes you a night off another time.

tantrumsandnappies · 04/03/2022 15:28

@MrsMingech You'd be absolutely correct in saying I have no experience of living with a child with ADHD as that isn't what my child has Hmm so its definitely an issue with your comprehension.

Just quietly admit you didn't read what I'd said properly and move on.

incognitoforthisone · 04/03/2022 15:28

It sounds very much like the issue with your birthday is a tiny part of a much wider problem.

'My DH's ex has ruined my birthday plans by asking us to have the kids' actually pales into insignificance compared to 'My DH's three older children regularly injure the younger ones to the extent that we can't trust them around our baby, and my DH is too flaky to keep a proper eye on them. Oh and also if we say we can't have the kids this weekend, they'll be spending it with a paedophile, for which I will get the blame even though it's not remotely my fault.'

This whole situation is incredibly dysfunctional.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 15:31

@incognitoforthisone

It sounds very much like the issue with your birthday is a tiny part of a much wider problem.

'My DH's ex has ruined my birthday plans by asking us to have the kids' actually pales into insignificance compared to 'My DH's three older children regularly injure the younger ones to the extent that we can't trust them around our baby, and my DH is too flaky to keep a proper eye on them. Oh and also if we say we can't have the kids this weekend, they'll be spending it with a paedophile, for which I will get the blame even though it's not remotely my fault.'

This whole situation is incredibly dysfunctional.

Isn't it just.
OP posts:
MayorMargeret · 04/03/2022 15:36

Getting a babysitter in to help sounds quite a good idea. But down to oh to organise obviously.

Cameleongirl · 04/03/2022 15:39

I haven't RTFT, but my suggestion is that if next weekend really can't be rearranged so you can have a break, tell him that you're rescheduling your birthday plans for another weekend (soon, April at the latest) and he has to ensure that it goes ahead. He must tell his ex the new dates now and book more leave so he can look after your 3 DC.