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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 13:52

Thank you all so much for your replies I'm reading all of them and will answer as much as I can.

I have one other thing to add, although it doesn't directly affect your situation this weekend. If your husband's ex MiL lives with a child abuser (even if it is her own son), then I would question the safety of any children being left alone in her company, because she obviously makes very bad choices.

That's how I feel too.

It's her husband.

Apparently, according to OH, his exes mum was at work one day and got a text from her husband out of the blue to say he's moved out. That's what he says his ex told him.

This is, by the way, after she stood by him despite convictions and risk to her own DGC.

Why would he one day just up and leave?

And if he had upped and left thus eliminating the risk, why wouldn't she be able to take the kids there now?

I would struggle to want anything to do with my DM if she supported a convicted child abuser to the detriment of my kids, but she clearly feels differently.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/03/2022 13:55

"There are 6 children, 2 who are boisterous and with special needs, 2 who are toddlers and there's a baby of 4 months. Show me anyone who could deal with that safely."

Can't help thinking that any mother would be expected to.

It seems to me that this guy acts as if he has got 2 lots of three kids rather than 6.

When he has the older 3 the Op is around to look after the younger 3.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2022 13:55

@Pantsomime

OP even if you go off to the Premier Inn, you won’t settle. You shouldn’t have to do this but given the circumstances, I would have your pamper time next weekend and tell him it’s 100% bolted on and no changing the plans
@Pantsomime but next weekend isn’t her birthday is it?
VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 13:56

@Squidinkk

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry

In a nutshell then, the issue is the kids mother exposing her children to someone dangerous. Perhaps she's not safe to have care of the kids at all.

We dont know the details I assume it is a family member and this trip is family related and he/she will be there amongst others.
tantrumsandnappies · 04/03/2022 14:01

@MrsMingech As I said clearly you cannot read!

I'm more than aware of the differences between ADHD & Autism and the way they present in different children.

I also never said that the op thought any of the children were harming her child intentionally, I was infact referring to MY OWN child who I said "would be in disciplined if he had hurt a child intentionally"
Not that the ops step children were doing so.

So if you want to start quoting me and insinuating that I don't know what I'm talking about, then perhaps you should read slower, because " SEN " is what I referred to when replying to the OP as that is a blanket term that covers ADHD, AUTISM and also DYSPRAXIA which was some of the things the OP referred to when describing her step children.

Pantsomime · 04/03/2022 14:01

LuckySantangelo35 - birthday or not, DCs safely should trump the occasion, the situation is all wrong, but OP can have pamper time when she knows her DCs are safe. There’s no comfort sitting in A Premier Inn worrying about what’s going on at home

Choppingonions · 04/03/2022 14:03

I would absolutely just go!! Of course he can manage. He took it on knowing you weren't available. He had six children. You must just go.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/03/2022 14:04

I would say that, at the point he decided to have six dc, he committed to having to sometimes look after six dc.

I see no reason for you to change your plans. If he really things he will struggle then he needs to look for a babysitter to help.

This is his problem and of his own making

Stompythedinosaur · 04/03/2022 14:06

In terms of supervising the baby, I'd suggest a sling may be helpful for him!

luckylavender · 04/03/2022 14:09

@UsernameA1B2

I don't understand why there are people saying to make him look after all 6 children. I wouldn't leave a young baby with someone having to look after 5 other children.
I bet the OP does
converseandjeans · 04/03/2022 14:10

He shouldn't have 6 children in such a short space of time if he's unable to look after them all.

Considering two of the elder children are hard to handle I don't think I would leave a 4 month old in the midst of all that. Either you or ex need to reschedule.

It sounds like you've been busy with 3 little ones in the 6 years you've been together.

VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 14:12

@havewegonebackfiftyyears

The fact the he puts the wishes of his ex over your wishes is concerning (especially when it's your birthday)!
He's a father of 6 kids he should priorities them over everyone, dont tell me you priorities your husband over your kids, no parent does that kids come first, and anyone getting into a relationship with someone whom already has kids should know that they are not and never will be top of the pecking order.

if they are top above that persons kids then that person is a shit parent.

BlondeDogLady · 04/03/2022 14:13

@IsabelHerna

You know what you need? A night alone to take a break.

I believe that you deserve 1 night without any kids, so pack a bag and go have fun, facials, massages and breakfast in bed x

Great idea. Except the Op has already stated about 20 times, why this would not be a relaxing experience. Bouncy older children endangering a new born baby. Op would be about as chilled out as a bonfire, wondering what shit was going down at home.
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 14:15

I don't often agree with you @VelvetChairGirl but today I absolutely do. Children being protected from an abuser absolutely trumps birthdays.

However I do still think that OP's DP will have someone he can call on if he can't look after all 6 alone, other than OP.

BuffyFanForever · 04/03/2022 14:15

You deserve the night off. It’s your birthday. Make it clear to him you are going to the premier inn by yourself and that he can look after all of his own children himself. If he can’t even manage one night what’s the point. That your day and night away!

Squidinkk · 04/03/2022 14:15

It sounds like the mother isn't capable of safeguarding her children if she's willing to take them there. Can you do another report for SS to check whether she's had the children around the abuser?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/03/2022 14:17

Just leave him to it and stop being so controlling.

MrsMingech · 04/03/2022 14:17

[quote tantrumsandnappies]@MrsMingech As I said clearly you cannot read!

I'm more than aware of the differences between ADHD & Autism and the way they present in different children.

I also never said that the op thought any of the children were harming her child intentionally, I was infact referring to MY OWN child who I said "would be in disciplined if he had hurt a child intentionally"
Not that the ops step children were doing so.

So if you want to start quoting me and insinuating that I don't know what I'm talking about, then perhaps you should read slower, because " SEN " is what I referred to when replying to the OP as that is a blanket term that covers ADHD, AUTISM and also DYSPRAXIA which was some of the things the OP referred to when describing her step children.[/quote]
Oh ok.

It's just that is pretty different from what you said before.

But all I'm hearing from you is

"I have zero experience on what it's like to raise a child with ADHD."

The more you post, the louder you're shouting that.

MrsMingech · 04/03/2022 14:17

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Just leave him to it and stop being so controlling.
Wtf 😂😂😂
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 14:19

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Just leave him to it and stop being so controlling.
Oh how lovely it would be if it were that simple.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 14:20

@BuffyFanForever

You deserve the night off. It’s your birthday. Make it clear to him you are going to the premier inn by yourself and that he can look after all of his own children himself. If he can’t even manage one night what’s the point. That your day and night away!
But OP won't have a night off. She'll have a night dreading what she's going home to and whether the baby's been hurt or the kids have broken the sofa or whatever.

It's easier when you're in the situation and have some kind of control. It's impossible to relax when you're half expecting a phone call saying the baby's been rushed to hospital or whatever

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2022 14:23

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Just leave him to it and stop being so controlling.
Have you actually read the OP's posts and her perfectly valid reasons for worrying?

She's about as 'controlling' (overused word) as my little finger.

inappropriateraspberry · 04/03/2022 14:26

Is there no one else she can ask to babysit? You and DH have plans that mean you can't have the SC. So she either rearranges her plans, or finds someone else to look after them. It's her problem, not yours.

VelvetChairGirl · 04/03/2022 14:31

get a bloody baby sitter and charge him.

Izzyboo1234 · 04/03/2022 14:32

Hello,
I am so sorry this situation sounds frustrating for you. Apologies if this has already been said, I’m am not sure of the back story nor do I need to. But if they’re concerns that the children will spend time with someone who cannot be around children then there will be authorities who need to be informed (depending on circumstances). So please do not feel that responsibility sits with you if they see that person, if it is not allowed then you are both able to report that. If the decision was made that the children stay with their Mum, the choice and responsibility sits with her, not you or Dad.

I hope you get some you time. Happy Birthday for next week 💐

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