He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

Dont worry about what he told her - go by yourself and he can find someone to help him if he needs it.

[quote tantrumsandnappies]@MrsMingech No I'm not on the wrong thread, but clearly you haven't read all the Ops replies, where she clearly states that she believes the eldest child may have ADHD!

She also directly asked me if I was one of those parents that allow their child to do anything, which is why I responded and said if my child was intentionally hurting someone else, sen or not he would be in trouble.

So maybe you're on the wrong thread or just can't read?[/quote]
I'm only watching (or as you say scrutinizing) so closely when they're here because their conduct has already caused my young children to get hurt. Always by accident.

It would be negligent of me not to keep a close eye on endangering behaviour when my 4mo baby could be collateral next time.

That isn't me hating on his kids or judging them harshly, it's me recognising that it could be a safeguarding issue and wanting to mitigate it.

OP when his children are with you is he keeping as close an eye on them as you are?

I'll give a an example of such endangering behaviour so people can understand where the concern comes from.

Every time they come here somebody is injured. The most recent time was yesterday. My 3 year old was sent flying from his inflatable chair because they came bombing into the room, jumped on the sofa and the eldest rugby tackled the youngest onto the floor.

If that was my baby in his bouncer he could have been killed.

OH was on it immediately and confiscated their phones but that didn't undo what happened and the threat of such consequences never stays in their mind long enough to prevent it happening again.

@girlmom21

OP when his children are with you is he keeping as close an eye on them as you are?

He is, but I would say I am slightly more so because I'm on tenderhooks whereas he isn't.

Exactly this 🙏

Ew his ex is in contact with a known paedophile? She shouldn't have children.

If I was your partner, the fact that the children are always injured and have close connections to paedophiles through their mother, I'd be filing for full custody to get them away from her.

The fact he isn't speaks volumes. Not a good dad.

@Nogoodusername

You need to not be the mug who takes it on the chin: sorry, that’s not my plan for my birthday, I will be sticking to my plans. Then it’s his choice to either manage 6 kids or say no to his ex Don’t take the responsibility yourself - it’s up to him now he handles the changes he has agreed to

This. He expects you to put this right, and cover for his fuck up.

@NorthSouthcatlady

He’s taking the piss and is prioritising her over you. I would either push for original plan or leave him to all 6. Personally l would push for the original plan

No. He's prioritising his children.

@MrsMingech

Theres a lot of people on here that have no experienced a child with ADHD.

Yes it's not something you can simply parent better and it goes away, if it is ADHD. Even in the best of circumstances, with good supports and medication, if it works, and good parenting, and a supportive school and all the scaffolding in the right places it can still be an uphill battle.

I tried putting myself in the Mum's shoes after a couple posts I read, but I first had to imagine I would chose to be in contact with someone who was a known risk to my children and then that I wouldn't have discussed if my Ex and his family had appropriate plans our DC, who have SEN, could cope with and the bandwidth to deal with them in a safe fashion for that extra weekend. Just couldn't do it.

If the case is OP DH said yes because he was worried for his DC safety, that would be understandable, but then still there should have been a conversation, an acknowledgement of OP loss and of his fears and an offer to move his leave and facilitate her birthday weekend asap. He did none of that, he expected her to give up her birthday weekend without a thought because his ex said jump. Whether he's worried for his DC or not that is a very dismissive way for someone to treat their partner.

Just go and leave him to it.

Just go and let him manage all the kids. He'll never learn to cope with them all if you don't give him a chance to do so.

It’s painful reading this thread and having you have you to repeat yourself.

Of course you can’t relax if your partner has all the kids. It’s hard for most people to supervise 6 kids and if the older ones aren’t cooperative then, even worse. You wouldn’t be able to relax knowing yo ur little one could be hurt etc.

Your OH obviously should have said no. I really hope he rows it back and apologises

Could he take them all out for an activity to burn their energy then take them home and do the toddlers and baby's bed time while the big ones watch a film? Then there'd be very limited time where he's having to actively manage all 6.

Your poor children.

I think if you feel that she is controlling you by saying any time she is going to that house you simply HAVE to have the children at yours, then self referral to SS is an option.

I would not accept this behaviour.

Reporting her behaviour to SS is the way to go OP.

Do not accept her attempts to control you.

She should ONLY be going to that house when the children are scheduled to be with you.

I cannot stress enough to you how utterly miserable your childrens childhood is going to be, despite your best efforts to keep them safe.
They are being hurt EVERY visit.

That is simply not fair on them.

You need to step up and protect your children.
Injuries every time they visit is not acceptable.

@RuRue I completely understand what you're saying and of course I understand that, that is just one example of kids messing around and not having clear boundaries and a level of understanding of the fact they are bigger.

I have 3 dc two of them are very rowdy, but understand their sibling is smaller and they need to be careful with him. Some days they are some days they're not and he has been hurt accidentally and on purpose by my ds who has Autism and coming from a parent of a child with additional needs, my ds is always the one who in other people's eyes as in the wrong because he is a little more hyper than the rest, he is always being told off or watched and being hovered over by someone 9x10 unnecessarily.

Your dp needs to clearly be more aware of his childrens behaviour and if their mother isn't doing anything then he needs to step up and do something about it.

Oh OP I have got so cross (on your behalf) reading your posts, and some of the replies on here. You obviously love your husband, and believe that he looks after the children well, when it is just your 3. But I really have the rage that for whatever reason, he said yes to his ex about this weekend. I can only hope that he does what he said he would, and cancels this weekend with his older children. I might self combust if you have your weekend ruined because he can't get his priorities right! Oh, and of course you don't feel up to leaving your 4 month old baby in a household where bigger children are running riot.

I have one other thing to add, although it doesn't directly affect your situation this weekend. If your husband's ex MiL lives with a child abuser (even if it is her own son), then I would question the safety of any children being left alone in her company, because she obviously makes very bad choices.

That's exactly how I feel and why I said to him last night that she has effectively got us by the balls and can dictate my schedule on a whim because all she has to do is imply she'll take the kids there and we'll all drop whatever we're doing and accommodate it

I was going to say this in my post - she can now use this threat as her trump card, every single time, unless DH twists it back on her, by making it known, that if his children are ever taken to that house, then he will call SS. Could backfire - she might be quite happy to not be the resident parent if they are such a handful?

She supposedly didn't know that he had booked the Friday and Saturday off, and still asked him to have them, even though to the best of her knowledge he would be at work and unable to just drop everything

So, effectively, she was asking you to care for 6 children, even though hers are a handful and you have a tiny baby? Is she for real? That's some brass neck.

The only person stopping you going out is yourself, because you don't trust the clearly incompetent man you had children with

There are 6 children, 2 who are boisterous and with special needs, 2 who are toddlers and there's a baby of 4 months. Show me anyone who could deal with that safely. Op would never relax, knowing that it was mayhem at home.

Would your mother look after your children and he can look after your step-children? Go to a motel for the night.?

[quote tantrumsandnappies]@MrsMingech No I'm not on the wrong thread, but clearly you haven't read all the Ops replies, where she clearly states that she believes the eldest child may have ADHD!

She also directly asked me if I was one of those parents that allow their child to do anything, which is why I responded and said if my child was intentionally hurting someone else, sen or not he would be in trouble.

So maybe you're on the wrong thread or just can't read?[/quote]
Oh I seeeeeee!

You think ADHD and Autism are the same thing and discipline keeps the baby safe?

No sorry you're confused. ADHD and Autism are different. They manifest differently, the symptoms are different and it doesn't automatically mean a child with ADHD or autism (but specifically ADHD here) intends on hurting another child.

If you Google autism and ADHD, you will see that they are different conditions.

And the OP did not mention anywhere on her posts that she thought one of the 6 children had autism. Nor did she mention on any of her posts that a child would intentionally intend to hurt the baby.

So either you're on the wrong thread, you don't understand the difference between ADHD and autism (GIYF) or you're being holier than thou with fuck all knowledge about parenting a child with ADHD.

I suspect the latter.

OP even if you go off to the Premier Inn, you won’t settle. You shouldn’t have to do this but given the circumstances, I would have your pamper time next weekend and tell him it’s 100% bolted on and no changing the plans

I think if you feel that she is controlling you by saying any time she is going to that house you simply HAVE to have the children at yours, then self referral to SS is an option.

I spoke to social services a few months ago because she had taken them there against SS instruction. The case was reopened and she was made to sign an agreement that she would never have them under the same roof again.

Then a few weeks ago OH told me that she told him the unsafe person was no longer at the address, so as far as I was aware the risk was no longer there.

Then yesterday he says he's having them because she's going there to that house.

So I don't believe the person has left the house to be honest, if they had then taking the kids there wouldn't be a problem as it was that person alone who was the issue.

If he'd moved out there would be no reason not to take them, as she likes taking them there to see her mum.

Somebody is clearly lying aren't they?

She either didn't tell OH the bloke had left and he is lying, or she's lying to OH by saying he's left.

@BlondeDogLady

I have PND/anxiety so I wouldn't be able to relax in the above situation anyway. I'd just spend the entire duration worrying. It may not be entirely rational but PND/anxiety rarely is

I wouldn't say anything like this around your DH, or this is what he will hang his hat on, and label you as unreasonable. And you're not! I don't have any form of anxiety, and I would feel exactly as you describe (about the safety of my own children), if I was in this situation. Your feelings and concerns are 100% valid.

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry

Or, you know, the Ex could decide not to take a trip to a place where a known paedophile lives.

Or, if she absolutely must go, she can choose any of the other 364 days of the year to do so.

I'm agog that anyone thinks it's okay to manipulate someone else's plans in this way.

The Ex may as well just say : "You must look after my children on your birthday, otherwise I'm going to take them to meet a paedophile"

Completely agree. OP’s H needs to step up, say no and prioritise his wife’s birthday plans over facilitating his ex.

You know what you need? A night alone to take a break.

I believe that you deserve 1 night without any kids, so pack a bag and go have fun, facials, massages and breakfast in bed x

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

I mean you’ve said yourself you don’t normally do much on your birthday so even if she does remember (which is quite likely) she can’t know that you have made plans this year. This isn’t her fault. This is on him and if he can’t manage his own kids by himself then that is also on you for allowing that to be the case. Just go. He will have to manage.