To think smacking was 'acceptable' in the 90s?

[Grapeflavour]

My parents smacked me as a child, usually if I did something they deemed as 'very naughty' or sometimes if I just didn't stop doing something quite trivial, they would threaten me with smacking.

I just assumed this was normal (albeit bad) attitudes back then, but talking to a couple of friends around the same age (30s) recently, it seems like that's not the case? They seemed pretty horrified that my dad used to occasionally hit me well into my teens if I pissed him off. As a teen he would often square up to me and threaten to 'knock me out' if I challenged him or talked back. I was 16 the last time he hit me. (I know this behaviour is totally unacceptable, and bearing in mind he is a huge 6"2 man and I was a 5"5 teenage girl). I think this has had an impact on me and trying to work through it.

Would you say it was fairly typical and normalised for parents to smack kids as punishment in the 90s? Or not at all?

[quote Grapeflavour]@gingembre
My dad fully stands by his decision to smack me and if ever asked about it says that I didn't turn out too badly so what's the problem? He wouldn't apologise for hurting me or making me scared or fearful as a child in a million years.[/quote]

I don't think what happened in your house is normal, particularly the squaring up to you and still happening at 16.

I was a kid in the 90s and smacking (on the bum, leg) when very naughty or pre warned if behaviour didn't stop was normal to me and seemed common in friends houses etc.

Now, I dont think smacking is widely viewed as an acceptable form of discipline.

I have smacked my kids twice in 10 years when they were small. It was in anger and I was appalled at myself for losing my temper. I vowed not to do it again.

I dont think my mum felt guilty when I was little and she smacked me. Not because she isn't loving (she is wonderful and we have a very close relationship) but because it was more acceptable back then.

I was smacked. I also remember threats of being caned at school, although I don't know anyone who was...!

It wasn't the norm for my recollection.

I don't think hitting a 16 year old or threatening to knock out your child is anywhere close to being acceptable then.

I was a teen in the 90s. Dad never laid a finger on me, my mum would often give me a good hiding (not beat me, but more than a single smack). I was very naughty, both at home and at school but I now know I had undiagnosed autism and ADHD.

Mum and I are very close now and is a lovely parent/grandparent. She fucked up, she regrets how she was. I have lost my temper once or twice under extreme provocation with my eldest and lashed out, instantly regretted and apologised. Otherwise good parents can make mistakes, I'm not condoning actually abusive parents.

I was pondering this the other day. I was occasionally smacked as a child, and as an older child my dad certainly had a temper problem that I remember. I don’t want my children to be scared of us as parents like I was of him. And it has affected my relationship with him as an adult.

But. With modern parenting, whilst it’s wonderful that our children are not abused, I do sometimes wonder about not having a more expansive range of discipline. My 7yo said something way over the line to me the other day, something I would definitely have got a slap for as a child, and I wasn’t able to do that much other than goldfish for a bit and send him to his room. Whilst we could talk about it later, there was no clear signal to him at the time just how far over the line he was, whereas I would have been left in no doubt that my words were utterly unacceptable.

Don’t misunderstand me - I’m not making the argument for smacking, I hated being smacked, just that I had a better understanding of how big my transgressions were and it’s not so easy to communicate that these days.

Not at all.
My dcs were born mid-80s, and I smacked one of them once. And that was a reflex when she slapped me across the face in a toddler tantrum. I beat myself up about it for years after.
I believe that none of my friends hit their children either.

Smacking: in the 80s yes, in the 90s no.
Hitting/belt: in the 70s early 80s kind of depending on your background, totally unacceptable by the 90s.

Yeah I was smacked and to my eternal shame I remember accidentally treading mud into my friend's house and her getting the blame and getting a smack off her mum in front of me.

I grew up in the 90s and was never smacked.

I was smacked on the bum if I was naught and if my brother and I were arguing we would have our heads cracked together. The last time he did it I ended up with a broken nose and 2 black eyes right before a family wedding.

I told my parents in no uncertain terms, if they ever raised a hand to my child they would never see him again.

They are way better grandparents than they were parents. But now I'm a parent, I can sort of understand how that can be the case.

I think it was more acceptable in the 70's although my DM was a bit extreme. My dad rarely hit me but my mum would belt me, leaving marks and handprints and stinging. I was terrified of my mum, I honestly was not a bad Child and now feel like I am always a disappointment.

I have never hit my children, I don't know what is to be gained from hurting a vulnerable child, it feels like a power trip. My DM used to scream in my face, I remember her grabbing me and forcing me back over the bath, my db had to intervene. I know this is not normal and it still affects me now. My DM admits she was not a great mum but has not ever really addressed this. I don't have a genuine relationship just a duty.

[quote Grapeflavour]@gingembre
My dad fully stands by his decision to smack me and if ever asked about it says that I didn't turn out too badly so what's the problem? He wouldn't apologise for hurting me or making me scared or fearful as a child in a million years.[/quote]
My mother is similar.
Yet, it has caused me quite some problems. Just because she refuses to recognise them doesn't mean she's right. There's more than one view or experience and the unwillingness/inability to recognise mine is exactly what underlies hitting me in the first place.

I've turned out ok, despite being hit. My friend who weren't hit also turned out fine. So, what was so beneficial about making me grow up scared?

Anyway, what exactly would turning out not ok look like? Like a person who terrorises children in their care? 😉

I think it probably was slightly more acceptable, but my parents never hit us and we were all 80s babies. They were extremely against hitting children, (as am I).

A mum I knew through work used to talk about giving her toddler a smacked bottom and that was only in 2015 and I've heard parents talking about it in the supermarket even more recently than that; "don't do that or I'll give you a smacked bottom in front of all these people".

So I think it just really varies.

Can't imagine anyone thinking a grown man hitting a 16yo girl or squaring up to her was OK

It may have been more normalised but it was as unacceptable as it is now.

I would never smack my kids and throughly disagree with it as a method of teaching. I think parents who snack are at best very lazy and selfish, and at worst nasty bullies.

Is that a Calvin Harris remix?

Who SMACK obviously. Far be it from me to tell you you can’t scoff a back of dairylea dunkers.

Huge difference to being smacked on the bum to what you went through. I remember my parents did smack me or would threaton to. Only one individual time when I think my mum lost it with me. I was older and moved out the way. Other than that I don't feel bothered about their form of punishment. I only know I would never do it but there is so much more understanding for children and behaviour these days. (I was 80/90 child)

I remember it happening to me and now that I’m a mother myself I will never understand how you can hit your child. You are the one person the look up to, rely on, I’ll never raise my hand.

Even by 90s standards smacking a young child and threatening to “knock out” a 16 year old girl were on two different levels.

Apparently I was occasionally smacked as a toddler in the late 90s. I don’t remember it though. I wasn’t smacked during my childhood in the naughties.

Now it’s considered abhorrent to smack. Although I don’t condone smacking and haven’t smacked my own child (and won’t), I don’t consider it child abuse to occasionally lightly smack a child in limited circumstances, e.g. I’m dangerous situations/ if they’re in danger of doing something harmful to themselves. It is child abuse to hit a child to the point where it hurts them at any age. It’s bizarre to use smacking as a form of punishment past a certain age.

Normal to me. I was born late 80s so grew up in the 90s.

I have my own children now and it’s made me think, my mother in particular smacked me and my siblings regularly, not because we were naughty, she’d smacked us because she’d lost control of the situation and took her frustration out on us.

Being a parent myself I understand that feeling when your children are pushing you to the edge, but I don’t smack and never will.

@DrSbaitso

Ooh, we'll get the "running into the road" lot soon as well, won't we? Hitters always seem to be so shite at road safety.

Yeah they’ll be along to tell us how sometimes a ‘sharp shock’ is the only way to stop your 2yo from sticking his face on the burning hot stove. Absolutely nothing you could do except smack him, no other way to prevent it.

@Rno3gfr

Even by 90s standards smacking a young child and threatening to “knock out” a 16 year old girl were on two different levels.

Apparently I was occasionally smacked as a toddler in the late 90s. I don’t remember it though. I wasn’t smacked during my childhood in the naughties.

Now it’s considered abhorrent to smack. Although I don’t condone smacking and haven’t smacked my own child (and won’t), I don’t consider it child abuse to occasionally lightly smack a child in limited circumstances, e.g. I’m dangerous situations/ if they’re in danger of doing something harmful to themselves. It is child abuse to hit a child to the point where it hurts them at any age. It’s bizarre to use smacking as a form of punishment past a certain age.

If it doesn’t hurt them then what is the point? How will it suddenly work to teach them not to do these ‘dangerous things’ if it doesn’t hurt? All these harmful things can somehow be solved by a light smack that doesn’t hurt?

Also think it’s totally fucked up that you find it ‘bizarre’ to hit an older child, but okay and justifiable to hit a small toddler/smaller child. I guess they’re less likely to tell anyone though.

I was born mid-80s and neither me nor my sister were ever smacked by either parent. I don’t remember seeing family smack, or friends being smacked, either. Its just not something that I’ve ever really encountered

@JunkIsland

Yes, it was more normal. Primarily the tapping or light smacking that pps are talking about, but because that’s subjective it allowed people like my dad to hit me a lot harder, while I’m sure thinking it was all perfectly respectable and norms. When I got smacked, it bloody hurt and left palm prints. I also had the threats. Like you, I haven’t really got over it op.

I’m glad it’s now unequivocally wrong to hit kids. No fudging around tapping.

Yes I think smacking was still just about acceptable in the 80s/90s and it allowed a huge range of unacceptable behaviour to pass under the radar in my family, from a 'tap', to being beaten black & blue once with a slipper and a belt. I used to think it was a bit of a working class thing as I couldn't imagine it happening in the homes of my mc friends at school, however DH had a similar upbringing and his parents never laid a finger on him. I have a good relationship with my parents now. They are like different people, but since having DC I really struggle to reconcile it all.