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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy colleague a ready meal?

409 replies

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/03/2022 17:55

I hardly ever think of AIBUs but this feels appropriate
In the office the other day, I was going to stretch my legs. A colleague asked me to buy her a chicken ready meal if I went near a shop.
I went to marks and Spencer to buy Percy pigs. The ready meals were about £5. She didn't offer me money before I went, she's not in my team and I might not see her in person for months. I would probably have ended up paying for her lunch.
I also don't like her, she's rude and weird and messed with my stuff once because I was using the desk she likes.
Final point, I'm vegan and don't want to buy chicken, but I was too chicken (lol) to say that.
If I liked her, I would have happily bought a meal but I would have said can I get you a veggie one instead, and I wouldn't have minded if I didn't get paid back.
I told her the meals were £5 and I didn't feel comfortable spending that much of her money without her agreement. But I never had any real intention of buying one, mostly because there were no actual supermarkets nearby anyway.
Context, I'm a manager and she isn't, but I'm a lone parent and broke as shit.

So, was I a total cow (YABU) or a diplomatic genius? (YANBU)

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Winnipeg23 · 04/03/2022 21:27

Ur stressing over nothing. U know she wudnt have given u the money and shes not a friend. My goodness, I think she's a cool cat. Move on and don't lose any sleep over it. You sound really nice and reasonable person.

Mikey87 · 04/03/2022 21:33

How hard is it to just say no? Wouldn't that have been easier? You don't even like her and had no intention of getting the chicken meal anyway.

Because of you, she probably had no lunch that day. If you were worried about the money you could've asked for the money upfront.

MimiDaisy11 · 04/03/2022 21:34

It was silly of your colleague to ask you. There are quite a number of comments about how she might have foregone lunch etc but the arrangement wasn’t that you’d buy a meal only if you went into a shop. So no guarantees. It’s far too woolly an arrangement for me. I wouldn’t have bought a meal either as there’s no guarantee she’d pay.

HTH1 · 04/03/2022 21:36

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Proper vegans wouldn't knowingly eat anything like that at anytime even one sweet. Just call yourself a veggie and done with. Since I don't eat dairy or eggs it would be a bit weird and misleading to call myself veggie For the sake of the odd bag of Percy pigs I'm not giving up the word vegan, sorry not sorry 😘
I’m a vegan too, with exceptions (I don’t eat Percy Pigs, just a bit of fish and red and white meats. Oh, and dairy products, eggs etc).
Helloevans3 · 04/03/2022 21:53

You should have said no I don’t have time. Or I can’t buy chicken even for you it’s against my principles.
You have made every excuse in the book why you didn’t do what she asked you to do. So just say no if it happens again. Mind with that attitude doubt she will ask again.

Winnipeg23 · 04/03/2022 22:21

I think people are being harsh with you. You don't want to be offensive..or confrontational...and thats why u didn't feel comfortable saying no to her face. You are agonising over it now because u like to be nice to people and keep them happy.
You are a nice person! I think I get where u r coming from and don't worry. I hope she doesn't ask again. She won't have given it a second thought I'm sure as people with brass necks don't.

Iamthewombat · 04/03/2022 23:17

When will the 29th person turn up to tell us that they haven’t read the thread but that Percy Pigs contain beeswax and thus are not vegan? I feel that I need reminding, having only read it 28 times on this thread.

JackieLou · 04/03/2022 23:20

UABU to demand or expect someone not to eat meat because you can’t cope with holding a wrapped sandwich.
She hardly asked you to kill the bird with your bare hands and make her lunch.

Going back to the office without her food because you don’t like her is petty as hell when you didn’t have the balls to say no in the first place.

Lavender24 · 04/03/2022 23:28

@JackieLou

UABU to demand or expect someone not to eat meat because you can’t cope with holding a wrapped sandwich. She hardly asked you to kill the bird with your bare hands and make her lunch.

Going back to the office without her food because you don’t like her is petty as hell when you didn’t have the balls to say no in the first place.

Demand she doesn't eat meat? OPs colleague was perfectly capable of going out and buying her own dead animal if eating meat is so important to her. OP is not obligated to handle her colleague's lunch if it makes her uncomfortable.
sue20 · 04/03/2022 23:29

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Does nobody think she was unreasonable to ask a manager she barely knows to buy her lunch without offering cash up front? I would never
I had this reaction. It’s a completely inappropriate request. If she’d seemed anxious to get her purse and apologised for being a bit cheeky but was really busy well maybe. But what’s wrong with these types who think it’s ok to put people into an awkward position. I would probably have humorously said Ok give us your money and I’m not buying any meat stuff . Just make it into a joke. What a nerve!
Booklover3 · 05/03/2022 02:01

I’d have just said no

HootOwl · 05/03/2022 02:16

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Does nobody think she was unreasonable to ask a manager she barely knows to buy her lunch without offering cash up front? I would never
Not really no. Confused🤷🏻‍♀️ I think your behaviour is bizarre. Often colleagues pick up lunch for each other if someone else is a bit busy so not going out. Weird you're making such a big deal of it. Of course she'd have paid you for it, when you brought it back?!

Very odd to imply you'll bring back lunch for someone and then not do it and then try to justify it on some weird basis of you not liking her/ being vegan or whatever. You could just have said no at the time rather than leave her expecting you to bring back lunch as agreed then come back with nothing. How are you a manager with that level of people skills?!

HootOwl · 05/03/2022 02:19

@sue20 how is it awkward? What do you mean by "what a nerve?" Confused In offices I've worked in (many) people very often go out and get each other coffees or lunch and obviously pay for their stuff when it is brought back.

Christ, some people are weird about totally normal things.

I would think it rude to go off to a shop/ restaurant/ coffee shop without asking first if colleagues wanted anything! It's just basic courtesy and reciprocal.

mjf981 · 05/03/2022 02:29

You seem very smug about how you handled this. Comes across like a humble brag to me. I would have bought the meal, if you'd said you would.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 05/03/2022 05:46

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

You seem really weird OP. Saying you'll buy lunch for someone when you had no intention of doing so. Saying you're vegan but not knowing that Percy Pigs are not vegan. Just weird.
Yes, super weird and quirkily unreasonable
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 05/03/2022 05:47

@Londoncallingme

How do you manage people if you can’t even open your mouth and ask for cash up front? Or say no? A mouth isn’t just for Percy pigs you know. YABU.
😂
Arabellla · 05/03/2022 06:49

@HootOwl

Christ, some people are weird about totally normal things.

No, some of us read the OP’s posts and think women should trust their instincts.

This woman has previously been rude and weird to OP and messed eith her stuff because she didn’t get her way.

She also didn’t offer money upfront and OP wouldn’t see for weeks.

There was no way OP was getting the money back from this woman, OP did absolutely the right thing.

Iamthewombat · 05/03/2022 07:20

This woman has previously been rude and weird to OP and messed eith her stuff because she didn’t get her way

So the OP says. But the OP sounds like quite a rum character, so who knows? One person’s ‘rude and weird’ is another person’s normal, as this thread demonstrates. Some posters think that asking somebody who is A MANAGER to buy lunch for them is ‘rude and weird’. I don’t,.

As for the ‘messing with my stuff’ : if that actually happened, how does the OP know that her colleague was the messer?

The OP’s colleague probably doesn’t even know that the OP dislikes her. I wouldn’t ask someone who disliked me to get me lunch, because they might pull a mean-spirited stunt like the OP.

There was no way OP was getting the money back from this woman, OP did absolutely the right thing

You have absolutely no way of knowing that the colleague would not have paid the OP back. Most people would settle up when the buyer returned. That’s what you do.

You’re not defending ‘trusting your instincts’. You are attempting to defend the OP’s strange and rather spiteful behaviour. Perhaps you are a fellow exponent who thinks that anyone you take against should be subjected to mean spirited tricks.

Vynalbob · 05/03/2022 07:21

I think I'm sitting on the fence with this, but I wouldn't overthink it. Among her friends your ears maybe burning for a day or 2 but on the positive note like you say it's unlikely to repeat.
I would only ask a manager I'm friendly with, maybe she thought she was. I would have offered to pay upfront but can easily imagine some people thinking "she's a manager so can afford it I'll pay her back on her return" (more subconsciously that consciously).
But I wouldn't be too bothered, it may prove to be a good decision long term.

Also future Veggie issues -
Unless you specifically bring it up I reckon most non veggies would not assume you would have a problem buying non veggie for someone else (then again the only ones I've know/known are/were in a mixed household tbh it wouldn't cross my mind.

Iamthewombat · 05/03/2022 07:28

And for everyone crowing that the colleague eventually went out and bought her own lunch: she kind of had to, didn’t she? If she wanted to eat. She might have been really busy, or tired, or not feeling great. She knew that the OP was going out and asked her to get her some lunch if she was going to a supermarket. What’s weird about that? In the event, the OP left her with no other option but to go out.

If someone asks me to do something similar - I’m a finance director and wouldn’t be affronted if a colleague of any level of seniority asked me to get them a sandwich or whatever whilst I was out - I wouldn’t expect the person to immediately say, “I’ll pay you back” as if there’s no way I’d be reimbursed otherwise. It’s weird to expect that. Normal people take it as read that they would be reimbursed.

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 07:33

@Iamthewombat

This woman has previously been rude and weird to OP and messed eith her stuff because she didn’t get her way

So the OP says. But the OP sounds like quite a rum character, so who knows? One person’s ‘rude and weird’ is another person’s normal, as this thread demonstrates. Some posters think that asking somebody who is A MANAGER to buy lunch for them is ‘rude and weird’. I don’t,.

As for the ‘messing with my stuff’ : if that actually happened, how does the OP know that her colleague was the messer?

The OP’s colleague probably doesn’t even know that the OP dislikes her. I wouldn’t ask someone who disliked me to get me lunch, because they might pull a mean-spirited stunt like the OP.

There was no way OP was getting the money back from this woman, OP did absolutely the right thing

You have absolutely no way of knowing that the colleague would not have paid the OP back. Most people would settle up when the buyer returned. That’s what you do.

You’re not defending ‘trusting your instincts’. You are attempting to defend the OP’s strange and rather spiteful behaviour. Perhaps you are a fellow exponent who thinks that anyone you take against should be subjected to mean spirited tricks.

If you’re not going to believe the basic premise of the OP, then what’s the point of commenting?

I suspect you’re the type of person who expects people to buy you things without you paying them back. Now THAT is spiteful.

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 07:34

@Iamthewombat

And for everyone crowing that the colleague eventually went out and bought her own lunch: she kind of had to, didn’t she? If she wanted to eat. She might have been really busy, or tired, or not feeling great. She knew that the OP was going out and asked her to get her some lunch if she was going to a supermarket. What’s weird about that? In the event, the OP left her with no other option but to go out.

If someone asks me to do something similar - I’m a finance director and wouldn’t be affronted if a colleague of any level of seniority asked me to get them a sandwich or whatever whilst I was out - I wouldn’t expect the person to immediately say, “I’ll pay you back” as if there’s no way I’d be reimbursed otherwise. It’s weird to expect that. Normal people take it as read that they would be reimbursed.

But this colleague is not normal. She has form for treating OP badly.

She can’t expect favours.

Iamthewombat · 05/03/2022 07:37

I suspect you’re the type of person who expects people to buy you things without you paying them back. Now THAT is spiteful.

Oh dear. I feel sorry for you now. Life must be very unpleasant for you, with your attitude to other human beings and your expectation that they are all out to cheat you.

Incidentally, ‘spiteful’ is not the correct word for ‘expecting people to buy you lunch from their own money’. That would be ‘cheeky’, or ‘avaricious’ or ‘shameless’..

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 07:40

@Arabellla oh dear, you don’t like being accused of what you accused OP of being? Diddums Smile

Iamthewombat · 05/03/2022 07:42

But this colleague is not normal. She has form for treating OP badly.

She can’t expect favours.

Can you really not see that the OP is determined to justify her odd behaviour by any means? I bet that the colleague doesn’t even know that the OP is nursing a grudge against her.

There are many people (perhaps you are one of them) who will take violently against somebody over really trivial stuff. Threads in AIBU are stuffed with such incidents. The other person looked at them in a strange way in 2018 or criticised something they like in a conversation with a third party, or whatever. The grudge holder will no doubt tell themselves, and others, that the object of their hatred has ‘treated them really badly’ but you can’t necessarily believe it because you only have one side of the story.

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