To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

It's so very sad that you think the very concept of a child not screaming and just going about their day is something to fall over laughing at.
It's that outrageous that one parent could keep their child content, whilst the other is in the vicinity. Wow.
If you can entertain/soothe/stop your own one year old from screaming, then it's a "magic parenting trick."
How low is the bar here.
The magic parenting? I had exactly this. Not for 90 minutes like OP. But 8 hours a day. With twins.
Who are not magic children. I am not a magic parent. Mine too, would catch sight of daddy throughout the day and with the sudden reminder that he was there, would cry or call out, rattle the baby gates wanting to get through. As in the baby gates it's impossible for OP to consider because her child would stand at them and cry.
The magic? I picked them up. And distracted them. And taught them that just because something they'd like is nearby, it's not ok to scream and cry if they can't have it immediately.
What I didn't do, was proclaim there was nothing I could possibly do about it.
This, however, was throughout the day. At one years old, come 5 o clock, they were eating their tea. Having a bath. Cbeebies. PJs on. Brushing teeth etc. That's a good hour+ there.
How late is this little boy going to bed if he's been out at nursery since 7.30 but hasn't had his tea and none of his bedtime routine has even started by 6pm?

It's so sad @Escargooooooo that you have a failure of imagination to understand that not all children are as easily placated by being picked up and being distracted! If only it were that easy. Some children are just more difficult than others.
And thanks for the smug lecture on your perfect parenting technique.
I too taught mine that there were boundaries and that they could not have everything they wanted. Nothing would distract from the screaming however. It lasted a whole year and then he seemed to grow out of it. Do you honestly think people don't try picking up? Or distraction? Having a nice bath?? None of this would work. I literally had to leave him to scream (I would be nearby) until he had worn himself out and then he would be calmer, ready for the cuddles and distraction and all the rest.
Honestly as PP have said, you do come across as really smug, your attitude of 'I managed it so why can't everyone else' reeks of superiority

There are a few different solutions you guys could try. Neither of you are being unreasonable, but you have to accept what about your current setup isn't working well, and give both of your points equal weight, to arrive at a setup that will work.

But the DH is being unreasonable though. He is perfectly able to go to the office, he just doesn't want to. He could also work in the bedroom, he just doesn't want to. He could avoid trips to the loo for 80 minutes when the toddler is home and wants him, but he chooses not to. He could wear a headset in another room and speak quietly, but he doesn't want to.

Instead, he wants everything his own way, while OP runs herself into the ground to facilitate him.

He is being utterly uncompromising, and unreasonable.

This is his problem to solve!

You and the baby are out of the house from before 8am. He starts work at 9am, and has a good hour there for himself everyday!

Perhaps he could choose to start work in that hour of peace and quiet maybe shorten a lunch break and thus finish in time for your home arrival!

The solutions are well within his remit it and not too difficult. He seems to be choosing not to change how he works, so he is making it your problem, or do you just feel that it is your problem. Does he complain if DC approaches him or cries?

I would not be stressing about it or doing anything extra. I wouldn't even be staying out later on one day a week!

If HE has a problem he can solve it.

they are inferior to a home office.

That's how it comes across 🤷‍♀️

Has your DH explained clearly why he doesn't want to return to the office, it just seems the most obvious decision - although of course you would then have to factor in his commuting time as he would be getting home later.

Him just saying he prefers working at home isn't a reasonable explanation when it is clear that your home is really not set up for WFH.

However, if he just refuses to return to the office then you have a bigger problem than a noisy toddler. .

The magic parenting? I had exactly this. Not for 90 minutes like OP. But 8 hours a day. With twins.
Who are not magic children. I am not a magic parent. Mine too, would catch sight of daddy throughout the day and with the sudden reminder that he was there, would cry or call out, rattle the baby gates wanting to get through.

So your situation was entirely different then. You weren't picking up a tired, hungry toddler from nursery, taking them home (to see his parents after 9 hours away from them) and then saying they weren't allowed to make any noise because their dad was working and needed silence and peace, in the middle of the communal family area.

All while OP has had a very long day herself, with a very early start, a very early nursery drop, and full day of work, a nursery pick-up, and then home to the stress of the for the rest of the evening?

So you don't know. You've no idea.

@Lilac57

If any thread exemplified the needs for MN to have a function to mute or block certain posters, it's this one. There's always a few on a AIBU thread, and they're just horrible bullies. They try to make out like they're perfect parents with all the solutions, but they're most likely not very good parents, because anyone who is this horrible online is probably a horrible person irl too. If they're even parents at all, and not just trolls. If they are really grown up parents, they should be ashamed of themselves, and I really hope they set a better example for their children irl. Why put so much energy into berating a stranger on the internet? In the absent of a block function, just stop reading the posts from the bullies OP.

@Lilac57 - hear! hear!

@PearPickingPorky

There are a few different solutions you guys could try. Neither of you are being unreasonable, but you have to accept what about your current setup isn't working well, and give both of your points equal weight, to arrive at a setup that will work.

But the DH is being unreasonable though. He is perfectly able to go to the office, he just doesn't want to. He could also work in the bedroom, he just doesn't want to. He could avoid trips to the loo for 80 minutes when the toddler is home and wants him, but he chooses not to. He could wear a headset in another room and speak quietly, but he doesn't want to.

Instead, he wants everything his own way, while OP runs herself into the ground to facilitate him.

He is being utterly uncompromising, and unreasonable.

Ah. That'll teach me to RTFT.

OP, your husband has a couple of options to make the current setup better. If he doesn't want to return to the office, then he needs to flex his hours. Get up earlier to log on earlier, or stop at your child's home time and pick up where he left off after kiddo goes to bed.

These are decisions his working mother colleagues will be making (and boldly negotiating for) all the time. And he should be too.

@Ivyonafence What a lovely comment!

@Positivelyperfect Please ignore the magic parenting recipes. All children are different, but also, will respond differently to different people at different times, for no apparent reason. Visiting friends with kids, there's always one being a horror to his parents who's magically angelic with me, a blessed relief for them, but also irritating! And another who doesn't like me for that visit. Then all change by the next. Can you include others to help play tag-team?

Specifically though, for me, if DH is at home, he should be downing tools to spend some time with DS after playgroup, and arranging his hours to allow that. Or working elsewhere. He needs to understand that the family home is now shared equally by three distinct personalities. Not, as he seems to think, by DH, his helpmeet and a toy/pet/accessory.

@Ragwort he hasn’t outlined it but then I don’t need him to - I can quite understand why wfh is preferable, but what is frustrating is that over the course of the last two years, it seems priority is given to the home as an office rather than as a home. And that therefore my wants and needs play second fiddle to DHs work.

I really don’t think for a second that he means it horribly, but some of the replies here have made me wonder if he is seeing me in the same light as how other posters clearly do, which is someone who does the job of a SAHM without actually being a SAHM.

And can I just say here - I don’t think for a moment DS is a notably difficult or demanding toddler. He’s lovely. It’s totally normal for children to want to see their parent!

@Positivelyperfect

And can I just say here - I don’t think for a moment DS is a notably difficult or demanding toddler. He’s lovely. It’s totally normal for children to want to see their parent!

Of course he is. If I tried to work in a communal area and ignore my children after school/nursery they would go NUTS.

[quote Positivelyperfect]@Ragwort he hasn’t outlined it but then I don’t need him to - I can quite understand why wfh is preferable, but what is frustrating is that over the course of the last two years, it seems priority is given to the home as an office rather than as a home. And that therefore my wants and needs play second fiddle to DHs work.

I really don’t think for a second that he means it horribly, but some of the replies here have made me wonder if he is seeing me in the same light as how other posters clearly do, which is someone who does the job of a SAHM without actually being a SAHM.[/quote]
I really wouldn't give what some posters on here have said that much credence.

This isn't even my thread and I've had to skip past their recent posts because they're making me so angry. I can help but think that's their sole intention, for whatever reason - spite, boredom, smugness, resentment.

Have you actually said this to him, OP? Have you said: I can’t/won’t/shouldn’t be expected to keep DS quiet and out of the way so you can work in communal living areas, and if you want quiet you need to take steps to arrange it? If you’ve said that to him directly, what’s he said in response?

You shouldn’t have to point this out to him, because it would be staggeringly obvious to 99% of the population that what he’s expecting is unreasonable and he needs to budge. But if he isn’t acknowledging that by himself - is he relying on you not wanting to or not feeling able to confront him about it? What is the block here?

@PearPickingPorky

The magic parenting? I had exactly this. Not for 90 minutes like OP. But 8 hours a day. With twins. Who are not magic children. I am not a magic parent. Mine too, would catch sight of daddy throughout the day and with the sudden reminder that he was there, would cry or call out, rattle the baby gates wanting to get through.

So your situation was entirely different then. You weren't picking up a tired, hungry toddler from nursery, taking them home (to see his parents after 9 hours away from them) and then saying they weren't allowed to make any noise because their dad was working and needed silence and peace, in the middle of the communal family area.

All while OP has had a very long day herself, with a very early start, a very early nursery drop, and full day of work, a nursery pick-up, and then home to the stress of the for the rest of the evening?

So you don't know. You've no idea.

Some days they attend nursery, some they don't.

The days they did were far easier. It's only a couple of hours you need to do then. Or 90 minutes in OPs case.

@Positivelyperfect

And can I just say here - I don’t think for a moment DS is a notably difficult or demanding toddler. He’s lovely. It’s totally normal for children to want to see their parent!

Yes, it definitely is. It's actually a wonderful thing that your toddler is so into Daddy that he wants to see him and spend time with him. I wish my kids had been a little more into my DH and a little less Mummy-Mummy-Mummy at that age. I would have felt less exhausted.

I do wonder what kind of working culture your DH came up through. I have worked for some old-style corporate bosses who still treat family life as an awkward intrusion on The Needs of the Business. But those bosses are losing talent now. Working moms and dads negotiate flexible hours all the time. It's normal. You put it politely but firmly, and if your employer acts stupidly about that request, then you start looking for a better one. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op have you considered getting an outside office? Or maybe a stair gate? Or your husband could work upstairs?
I'm joking because I've read your posts.

Of course you shouldn't sit in your car/bring toddler swimming 5 days a week after nursery/ hold onto toddler for 90 minutes/sit 1 year old in front of cartoons for 90 minutes.
Your DH will have to try work in the bedroom and stop talking so loudly. Or start work an hour earlier and finish earlier.

You do need him to outline it Positively - not for your benefit, but so that he has to say OUT LOUD why he’s being selfish…

He has to SAY it. “I want to WFH and I want you to make that easy for me, even if it’s really difficult for you, dearest wife, and constantly upsetting for our beautiful baby son.”

@Escargooooooo I agree with other posters that you should take a step back from this thread because your contributions are unhelpful to say the least and it really does come across that you’re simply unable to understand that all children aren’t the same as yours. As a PP pointed out, what you described from your own experience was simply a completely different situation from the OP’s. It really doesn’t sound like you have walked in her shoes at all yet you’re adamant the problem is completely solvable by the methods you used which worked in a different scenario.

I think that anyone with emotional intelligence and empathy could read the information the OP has provided and understand why things are very difficult. A toddler who adores his dad and hasn’t seen him all day is simply not going to sit cheerfully in his highchair waiting for his tea while his dad ignores him and works in the next room (but visible). That’s not any failing on the OP’s part at all and it’s simply not kind to repeatedly push the viewpoint that it is.

I really don’t think for a second that he means it horribly, but some of the replies here have made me wonder if he is seeing me in the same light as how other posters clearly do, which is someone who does the job of a SAHM without actually being a SAHM.

They want you to be a SAHM without you being at home with the toddler, so your DH has peace You're not allowed to do the AH bit, you're meant to be a SOOHM.

Either DH goes back to the office a few days, goes into the bedroom for the last 90 mins, or you get whatever snacks/drinks you need out of the kitchen before 4.30 and DH cooks dinner as you can't get access to the kitchen and are busy watching the child. That's where I'd be going to resolve

@Escargooooooo

I don't see why you think you're being a SAHM and a full time worker. It's 90 minutes. Because the other parent is still working. You can't both be devoid of all childcare, one of you has to look after him, and it's surely the parent not still at work.

Where did she say she wasn't looking after him?

You're being intransigent and not actually responding to the information in the OP.

Of course he is. If I tried to work in a communal area and ignore my children after school/nursery they would go NUTS.

Yep, mine does too, even at age 4. My part-time WFH setup is at the dining table (my DH gets the desk in our bedroom, to keep the door closed and WFH on full-time hours).

After two years, DD3 isn't that much more accepting about me needing to work when she's around. She will occasionally watch TV or play an iPad game, but that lasts for about 5-10 minutes, and then she wants to crawl in my lap and close my laptop. I can't change her personality or her emotional needs. So, I've found a solution that works for our family.

All while OP has had a very long day herself, with a very early start, a very early nursery drop, and full day of work, a nursery pick-up, and then home to the stress of the for the rest of the evening?

Yes, the disparity here is not actually the end of the day. He's working until 6. She's looking after DS until 6. They're both making a meal of those 90 minutes which could be much smoother.

However. The start of the day. She starts at 8. So leaves at 7.15 to get DS to nursery at 7.30.

DH doesn't start until 9. He should leave at 8.30 and do the drop off and return home to start work for 9. That's an hour less nursery to pay for. And OP doesn't have to get up early and run round getting DS ready. DH can do that at 8 when OP is starting her work. That way they both are doing a mix of work and childcare between 8 and 6.