To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

He is being a dick.

I'm having to chat to all my staff about hybrid working, and those who want to mainly WFH are having to put across good cases why this is effective.

If one of them let slip they expected their partner drove their child around in a car or went swimming every day I would not be impressed.

His disrespect is showing and you don't deserve that.

@Escargooooooo

I used to be very smug about how easy it was for me to placate my PFB. When I saw other people struggling with their screaming toddlers in public I would think they should just parent more like me. He honestly had two tantrums between birth and school. Never screamed. Never demanded something forcefully and went with the flow. DH and I thought we were just brilliant.

Our second born tore through that delusion like a snow plough. Stubborn, determined, principled, loud, silly and ridiculous.

We were the same parents but they are their own people. Both wonderful children, meeting all milestones without any behavioural issues. Just different.

You aren't a better parent than OP. Your child has a different temperament which is luck of the draw.

What a crazy thread - some of the posts on here are insane! Sorry but suggesting taking a toddler swimming for an hour and a half every weekday after work, over teatime, in order to stay out of the house is a bit bonkers.

Ultimately it is the family home first and foremost and your child needs to come home, have his tea and be a normal child making normal toddler noise. If your husband isn’t able to work peacefully in that home then that is his problem and it’s his solution to find. Ultimately he does not have an appropriate environment at home so he shouldn’t be wfh.

Does he wfh by choice or is there an office he could be in? Because unless he’s contracted to wfh and has no alternative he should absolutely not be working from home just because it’s his preference then expecting the family to upsticks and not use the kitchen or the house at all at teatime every day. Just crazily unreasonable.

If he is contracted to wfh and doesn’t have an office then it remains the case that he doesn’t have a suitable home working environment and he should look into adjusting his hours so he finishes earlier, or something like a shared working space outside of the home.

At one years old, come 5 o clock, they were eating their tea. Having a bath. Cbeebies. PJs on. Brushing teeth etc. That's a good hour+ there.

But surely your kids made some basic noise while doing those things @Escargooooooo ? It sounds like the OP’s house is laid out such that they would be a bit on top of one another as they move around doing those things and there’s always going to be some noise involved even if kids are behaving really well and not tantrumung etc.

Also lots of parents don’t allow cebeebies etc. in the evening as they don’t want their kids having screen time before bed. I don’t think the OP pushing TV on her child every day that she doesn’t otherwise want him watching, should be the solution to her husband’s inappropriate working environment.

Also @Escargooooooo I think it’s the having tea that’s the problem - the average toddler would be eating tea around 5ish which is exactly when the husband is trying to keep them out of the kitchen which he works beside. Bath etc wouldn’t usually start until 6ish if you’re aiming for a 7pm bedtime (very normal) by which time he’s finishing work. So it sounds to me that it’s the tea making and playing that’s the problem and those are very normal activities at the time we’re talking about here. You kind of make it sound like this child must be keeping really late hours but it doesn’t sound like that to me…he wouldn’t be having a bedtime routine starting from 4:30pm!

@TheKeatingFive

No. She's not expected to accommodate him.

Well of course she is. Honestly you've got this far in the thread and you're arguing that?

But the answer is obvious. She stops accommodating and he either deals with that or goes back to the office. Job done.

Looking after a child so they're not screaming isn't accomodating the other parent. It's parenting.

There are lots of obvious answers, or at least things that would greatly alleviate the situation, without either of them having to vacate the house from 4.30 until 6.

However, one parent "can't" even manage to sit in a room and close the door, and the other "can't" just give the child their tea and a bath. These are for some unknown reason, not within this couples capabilities. Then one's got the arse because the others in the way, and the others got the arse because the child is screaming.

They both need to have an adult conversation and stop making excuses to only suit their own situation.

Honestly this thread is reeking, and I'm getting incensed with the support from a parenting site!

[quote ChoiceMummy]@PyongyangKipperbang
It's totally reasonable that he wishes to wfh for whatever reason. And it's not unreasonable to expect that the parent responsible for childcare until 6pm to actually parent rather than stamp her foot in tantrum, behave totally inept and like a child herself!
She has implied lots, but nothing of substance![/quote]
Yep, it's reasonable that he'd like to WFH because it makes his life easier.

It makes everyone else's life harder.

So he either accepts that his choice to WFH means it'll be noisy for 80 minutes at the end of the day, or if he doesn't like noise then he fucks off to the office.

As an aside, OP, if your DH is sitting working at home all day in peace and solitude, why is he not making dinner in the slow cooker for you and DS during the day, so it's ready for you when you get in?

'Put the boy in his high chair. Give him some food. Give him a bath. Read to him. Put the TV on. Get some toys out. Give him a drink.'

“Are there no prisons?” “And union workhouses, are they still in operation?”

Sorry I am late to this thread and will probably say something already said. Your DH is 1 person out of 3 in this scenario, he shouldn’t get to dictate what goes on. He needs to shift his working hours to be the same as yours, and do some work in the evening like you do. If he has a Very Important Work Call when you’re home with DS he goes and does it in the car. Your home is a home first and foremost, and a workplace second. He’s UR to say his important Man-Work takes priory over you and DS.

Looking after a child so they're not screaming isn't accomodating the other parent. It's parenting.

Just because you chose to prioritise creating an office environment for your DH over your children treating your house like a family home, doesn't mean that anyone else can or should do the same.

Also, it’s really sad your DH doesn’t want to spend time with DS when he comes home from nursery. That could be time for some nice family time together. In these days of flexible working I don’t see why DH can’t change his hours at least some of the days.

A toddler making loud noise doesn’t mean they’re upset or neglected or that the parent isn’t ‘parenting’ enough. They might be shrieking with laughter, singing etc and do people honestly think that a happy and excited child who has just got home for the day should be shushed?! Some of the posters sound very smug and unrealistic - I find it hard to believe their toddlers are just monotone all day and honestly if they are that’s not a good thing. I love to play games and laugh with my kids and in a small house with thin walls that is always going to create some noise. That’s why we call it our home and not an office!

The clue is in the title. Work from HOME. it’s a home, not an office. If it’s not set up in a way that he can close the door and be undisturbed, and you’re doing the best you can then there’s not much else to be done.

@MrsMcNally

At one years old, come 5 o clock, they were eating their tea. Having a bath. Cbeebies. PJs on. Brushing teeth etc. That's a good hour+ there.

But surely your kids made some basic noise while doing those things @Escargooooooo ? It sounds like the OP’s house is laid out such that they would be a bit on top of one another as they move around doing those things and there’s always going to be some noise involved even if kids are behaving really well and not tantrumung etc.

Also lots of parents don’t allow cebeebies etc. in the evening as they don’t want their kids having screen time before bed. I don’t think the OP pushing TV on her child every day that she doesn’t otherwise want him watching, should be the solution to her husband’s inappropriate working environment.

Yes of course they made basic noise. They weren't screaming though.

The husband hasn't requested midnight silence.

Yes, it's all very well saying "some people don't like TV" but OP doesn't like anything that's suggested. Change "TV" for "story time" if it helps.

Yes, completely agree with PP that this is his tea time. And OP says she "can't" go in the kitchen. Because she can't prepare food with a toddler hanging off her. And the DH is visible.

Well, put the child in his highchair. Give him a snack while you get his little tea done. If he's screaming because he can see his father, then he must do this at every meal time. Because a one year old doesn't know that dad is working. He just knows dad is in the room. In which case, how does this child ever eat if DH is around. If that's the case, that he can't even sit and eat with DH in view, without screaming, the answer isn't hide his father.

Oh dear, plenty of people being horrible on this thread. Your DH is being horrible too.

Starting point: it's not unreasonable for him to find noise disturbing and it's not unreasonable for your toddler to make noise in his own home. So you're going to have to meet in the middle.

DH works upstairs from 4pm. Or wears noise cancelling headphones. Or puts a barrier around himself like a screen.

You do as much as you can to keep DC quiet - routine of snack, bit of TV, colouring or playdough or something quiet. A little walk around the block with a torch is sometimes fun too.

DC needs to be taught that DH should be left alone, but DH should appreciate that his needs don't trump everyone else's. Let DH have the odd turn at keeping DC quiet in late afternoon and see how easy he finds it.

Brainstorm ways to keep DC quiet eg make it a game to sneak through the room where DH works quietly like a tiger.

@Escargooooooo are you like this in real life?
If you come across a tired, distressed mum sobbing at a toddler group for example do you just rant at them about what an amazing parent you are and shout louder about all the things they should be doing?

I find it honestly astonishing that anyone is so vicious to a stranger in distress.

A big part of being a good parent isn't just controlling your child and keeping them quiet, it's having empathy and sensitivity towards other human beings. You seem to be really lacking something in that area.

to you. You're doing your best in a difficult situation.

I can be quite bolshy, so in your situation I'd go out for a couple of days to help your dh but on the other days I would just care for your joint ds normally in the house. That includes using the kitchen to prepare dinner (if that's what you want to do) and letting your ds play and act normally Stop treading on eggshells.

If that causes your dh difficulties then he has a solution. He can go back to the office

Give him notice that you're going to do this and because you're reasonable agree a schedule with him about which days you'll go to other activities out of the house, so that he can make plans for which days he needs to go into the office.

@TheKeatingFive

Looking after a child so they're not screaming isn't accomodating the other parent. It's parenting.

Just because you chose to prioritise creating an office environment for your DH over your children treating your house like a family home, doesn't mean that anyone else can or should do the same.

Ah yes that old fable. Because my children aren't screaming while I claim there's nothing that can be done, they are inferior to a home office.

Okkkkkk

I've been there with WFH during the pandemic, and being constantly interrupted by my then 3 year-old, to the point where I couldn't actually focus on anything for longer than 5 minutes. DH was in an at-home parent role and had a hard time managing her and juggling all of the other kids' needs and household stuff too. DD3 was distraught knowing that Mummy was physically present, but not emotionally present. And while some of the people I worked with were great about kids gatecrashing Teams calls, others were really awkward about it. Like, it did not occur to them that kids have different personalities, and that while some are fine with parents WFH, others take it really hard.

I've also been there with being thoroughly exhausted after my own day at work, and then having to deal with an exhausted child post-nursery pickup. The screaming in the car. The not quite knowing what's for dinner. That window where you can get them off to bed before they get overtired and wired slowly shutting. That part was hard too.

I think the best thing you and your DH can do is just talk together about what isn't working well, so that you can arrive at the right solution for you guys together.

If I was still working full time, and if DH was still in an at-home parent role, I would have gone back to the office by now. Even with the commute and traffic, that would have been the most sensible solution for us. Because that would have given me enough space, independence and transition time to keep my work-mode and family-mode better separated. It would have lowered my stress levels overall. And my youngest is always a little less distressed about Mummy not being available if I'm not in the building at all.

If returning to the office wasn't an option (like if the building lease was left to expire, or I was permanently remote in the first place), then I'd be looking at flexi time. I would either be getting up 1.5 hours earlier to get my working day finished around nursery home time, or I would take an extended break at nursery home time, engage with the kids, and then log back on for the last 1.5 hours after they go to bed.

What we ended up doing instead, was DH went back to work full-time, and I cut my hours to (in theory) be more engaged with the kids when they were home from school and nursery. I also moved on to an employer that is trying to better respect its staff's working hours and boundaries.

There are a few different solutions you guys could try. Neither of you are being unreasonable, but you have to accept what about your current setup isn't working well, and give both of your points equal weight, to arrive at a setup that will work.

[quote busyeatingbiscuits]@Escargooooooo are you like this in real life?
If you come across a tired, distressed mum sobbing at a toddler group for example do you just rant at them about what an amazing parent you are and shout louder about all the things they should be doing?

I find it honestly astonishing that anyone is so vicious to a stranger in distress.

A big part of being a good parent isn't just controlling your child and keeping them quiet, it's having empathy and sensitivity towards other human beings. You seem to be really lacking something in that area.[/quote]
Sorry, why are you lying that I've said I'm an amazing parent?? Particularly as I've said quite the opposite, neither me, nor my children are "magic."

I'm not an amazing parent. I'm a parent.

Being able to stop your child from screaming to get to the other parent should not qualify as "amazing."

And OP is in distress because neither she, nor her husband are doing the smallest things to aid a situation, despite them being very easy things to do. I have plenty of empathy. But little sympathy for those who make excuses why they can't help themselves, especially in such easy ways.

@Escargooooooo wow, you really are an unrepentant bully. How on earth can anyone with normal empathy read the OP's last few posts and then revel in their distress

@Escargooooooo

If you read OP's post in which she shared how low she has felt reading your posts and what impact they've had on her mental health, and are still relentlessly continuing to do exactly the same thing, you're being cruel. A bully.

Wouldn't it be better to just step away from the thread? OP is a stranger. You have nothing to gain from continuing to repeat yourself but have been told that your posts are having a negative affect on someone's mental health,

It sounds like you want to 'win' rather than to offer anything constructive now. You've made your suggestions and are simply repeating them not adding anything new. There's no prize to win though. You're just being relentless.

Please consider stopping and going about your day rather than doing something you've been told has caused another mum to have dark thoughts. Model empathy and compassion.

@youvegottenminuteslynn @busyeatingbiscuits agreed