To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

Likewise if the child was content in the same room as the father and her in the kitchen, quiet pottering around should not be an issue

Excuse me while I fall over laughing 😂
Quiet pottering around? Have you ever parented a tired 1 year old in the evening?
Still waiting for you to tell us your magic parenting trick that will induce a tired 1 year old to quietly potter around in the evening

DH is not a horrible, bad man, but I do feel as said before that because this setup works so well for him, he is reluctant to concede that it might not work particularly well for me.

I know you’ve repeatedly said you don’t want advice.

But if you take only one thing from this thread, it should be stop making this your problem and make it his.

If he’s not a “bad, horrible man” (i.e. a selfish, stubborn, manipulative man who won’t take responsibility for his own actions and is happy to exploit his wife and upset his infant son) then he’ll come up with a solution himself once you stop enabling the game to prevent your toddler disturbing him.

OP I wouldn’t want to kill time with a toddler outside my own house every evening after an early start either!

Your DH needs to work in a different room to allow you to come home and relax in your space.

It won’t be perfect but might be easier to distract your little one.

Luna’s post is pretty spot on!

Selfish husband.

Sympathy OP, I have a DH who has non-stop booming calls all day and it’s bad enough having that upstairs, it would drive me crazy if we were on the same floor, let alone without a door between him and kitchen. I’m sorry some posters have been so rude.

Something needs to change and there are actually only a limited number of options. If none of the options suit then there is no other solution 😢 I would suggest you email DH (I find mine doesn’t listen when I say things he doesn’t want to hear, but he does absorb bad news in emails because he’s used to doing that with work 🤷‍♀️). Tell him that the current situation does not work for you and DS, that you taking DS outside for 90 mins every day as soon as you finish work is not a realistic solution, and ask for a range of realistic proposed solutions from him. The only options I can see are:

1. DH starts work earlier so his hours match yours.

1. You guys buy and fit a door so DH is blocked off from kitchen, and he commits to zero phone calls when DS is home, so DS can’t hear him.

1. DH finds a different work location for the last part of his day eg hotel meeting room.

1. You guys move house to a cheaper area so you can get a bigger house with a further away work location for DH eg garden office or garage etc. If DH is working from home long term, this is what I would suggest.

1. DH return to office work or DS extends his hours at nursery. I know you don’t wnst either of these but mention it for completeness.

Bottom line is DH needs to accept that he cannot simply turn the whole of the marital home into a fulltime office.

"You talk of compromises, but what exactly is her husband doing on that score? He could go into the bedroom at the end of the day and shut the door but won't. He could go into the office a couple of days a week but won't. He doesn't have to WFH but selfishly does even though he knows they don't have the space for it and it's causing both inconvenience and distress for his family. He won't meet her halfway, yet she's expected to accommodate him?*

No. She's not expected to accommodate him. Clearly if he was in the office, she could just let the toddler run around and shout. But here's the fact of the matter.

What he should be doing, is a fine story. It's not what he is doing. Go to the office? Between the two of these adults, (despite numerous people saying it's the first and obvious step to take) they can't even manage for him to work somewhere in the flat with a door closed! ("he won't/you can still hear his voice/the child will scream anyway")

So the actual, practical thing to do, is not keep harping on about how he needs to go to an office when it's not going to happen. Hence people are telling OP things to try if this is situation she has to face. Not saying it's right or wrong. But it's the situation. You can either whine eternal about how unfair you find it, which changes nothing, or you can try and make improvements.

However, you are faced with two adults who can't even contemplate doing an earlier bath time, or moving out of sight behind a closed door, to make a situation easier, then complain about how difficult everything is.

I wonder when the child goes to bed? If he starts nursery at 7.30 he must be up around 6.30. He doesn't get home until 4.30. Is he not knackered and ready for bed fairly early?

@NoSquirrels while I do understand what you are saying, it’s difficult for it not to be my problem as I’m the one wrangling with DS

I have now noticed a theme of the unholy trinity on other threads.

OP. Hope you are ok.

Positivelyperfect
Has he always worked from home? Or only since covid? As some others have said it is a home first then a work place. Do you not have a room upstairs where DH can set up office.

[quote Positivelyperfect]@NoSquirrels while I do understand what you are saying, it’s difficult for it not to be my problem as I’m the one wrangling with DS

I have now noticed a theme of the unholy trinity on other threads.[/quote]
In the short term, of course, it will make your problem worse not better as you’ll have a very pissed off and confrontational husband AND a grumpy tired upset toddler.

But sometimes a proper confrontation is needed. Force it.

I understand this is uncomfortable for you. But it’s a persistent issue and he’s being selfish. He needs to suffer the consequences.

@Wrinklefree

Positivelyperfect Has he always worked from home? Or only since covid? As some others have said it is a home first then a work place. Do you not have a room upstairs where DH can set up office.

They have no upstairs.

It’s a long thread, I know, but you can just read the OP’s posts.

No. She's not expected to accommodate him.

Well of course she is. Honestly you've got this far in the thread and you're arguing that?

But the answer is obvious. She stops accommodating and he either deals with that or goes back to the office. Job done.

How about suggesting HE goes out at 4.30pm to a local cafe or similar to work. Homes are for living in, no chance I'd be creeping around my own home trying to keep a toddler quiet. Or he can rent a work space. There are lots of solutions, kicking you and your child out of your own home on a nightly basis isn't one of them. Absolute CF your DH is and downright selfish.

I agree with NoSquirrels

Don't wrangle. Force the issue to come to a head so he will discuss the options on the table and actually participate in problem solving this.

It may be that on some days you do some of the things suggested, and on others he goes to the office.

Laughing out loud at the idea a toddler would 'quietly potter around' someone working after an exhausting day at nursery.

Where can I order one of those?

I have pre schoolers and toddlers. They are delightful in the morning, busy and engaged during the day, spent, tired, grumpy, needy and deeply unreasonable between 5pm and bedtime.

The toddler is not the problem. His mother is not the problem. The set up is the problem

[quote Positivelyperfect]**@NoSquirrels while I do understand what you are saying, it’s difficult for it not to be my problem as I’m the one wrangling with DS

I have now noticed a theme of the unholy trinity on other threads.[/quote]
I agree with @NoSquirrels.

Just ignore him. Ignore his grumbles etc…
Deal with ds the way you normally do. If he screams, he screams. If he goes to the door, he goes to the door. If he grabs DH when he goes to the bathroom, he grabs him.
Every time you interfere to stop ds from disturbing DH, you are enabling him and his idea that somehow it’s your problem rather than his.

Also remember that if dh is pissed off, it’s HIS issue. The way he reacts, whether he is grumpy or not is nit something you have any control over. That’s up to him to decide how to tackle that particular issue.
If he is as supportive and a nice husband as you say, he will want to solve the issue, make your life easier and make his life easier. And that’s not going to involve you being out and about every evening so he doesn’t have to make any compromises.