To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

We had that problem, but not with a toddler! I used to have a desk in the breakfast area and have quite a lot of meetings. It just meant that my DH needed to keep out of the kitchen when I had a meeting - it shouldn't have been difficult as there were plenty of times he could come in - he just needed to avoid the times when I was in a meeting. He seemed to think that by creeping in and emptying the dishwasher onto the granite worktop he wasn't making a noise (he definitely was!) and didn't understand why I got cross. The solution was for me to take over the tiniest bedroom for my office - he had previously used it to store his 'stuff'. I am well aware that a lot of people won't have a separate room they can use, but maybe carving out a corner of the bedroom would be possible? Or of another room with a door that can be kept closed? If he is in meetings it would be incredibly annoying to be interrupted by a toddler and very difficult to concentrate.

I hope that the op accepts that there are compromises to be made and for her not to be so immovable.

Why us it really so difficult to do the bath time routine earlier?

Likewise if the child was content in the same room as the father and her in the kitchen, quiet pottering around should not be an issue.

Covid has shown more people that homes are now dual spaces. I don't think he's unreasonable to be wfh, possibly if insisting on silence! Could he plan his day better to reduce the important calls in evening?

Op. YANBU. Ignore all the posts with unhelpful suggestions. Your DH needs to change his approach not you..

The DH is 1/3 of his family.

This set up is not working for 2/3 of the family.

I'd ask him why he thinks his wishes should take precedence over everyone else's.

And I agree with PPs, stop making WFH pleasant for him. I'd let DS do his age appropriate tired toddler thing, and if DH didn't like it he'll have to reevaluate whether WFH is working for him.

Apart from anything else, I'd want to set a tone in my house that my children can come home, unwind, be themselves and always feel welcome and wanted. That's not the vibe your DS is coming home to after a long day of trying to find his place amongst the crowd at nursery.

And for you- It's hard enough working all day, collecting the toddler and getting through without DH constructing an additional challenge for you. He's buying his peace with your stress and clearly you don't need any more of that.

I'm so sorry people on this thread have been so awful to you. You don't deserve it and you're clearly exhausted and stressed and feeling unsupported in real life. You don't need a bunch of anonymous meanies nitpicking you.

You're doing well, but DH is setting you up to fail.

@Ivyonafence
Well obviously what is happening or not happening isn't is it!
Let the child see the other parent maybe at snack time? Bathe the child fgs.
It's really not that difficult. Millions of parents manage to successfully parent!

Your husband needs to find another space to work for those hours

If any thread exemplified the needs for MN to have a function to mute or block certain posters, it's this one. There's always a few on a AIBU thread, and they're just horrible bullies. They try to make out like they're perfect parents with all the solutions, but they're most likely not very good parents, because anyone who is this horrible online is probably a horrible person irl too. If they're even parents at all, and not just trolls. If they are really grown up parents, they should be ashamed of themselves, and I really hope they set a better example for their children irl. Why put so much energy into berating a stranger on the internet? In the absent of a block function, just stop reading the posts from the bullies OP.

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Ivyonafence
Well obviously what is happening or not happening isn't is it!
Let the child see the other parent maybe at snack time? Bathe the child fgs.
It's really not that difficult. Millions of parents manage to successfully parent![/quote]
I don't think of scolding a one year old who just wants to see his Daddy - who is right there- as 'successful parenting.'

I also don't think a woman running herself into the ground for the convenience of a man is successful parenting either.

He can do his important man job in his office. He is choosing WFH for his own comfort and convenience at the expense of his wife.

Agree with the moving up to the bedroom and blurring background for calls plus headphones idea. You shouldn’t have to leave the house.

Jesus there are some twats about
Hope you're ok OP

Honestly, I think you and ds carry on as normal. It is your dh's choice whether that environment works for him wfh or whether he goes back to the office. The solution is not making your home silent, it's your dh's inability to work effectively in the home. He is being very unreasonable. If he didn't have an office he could use then you would all need to compromise, but he is imposing himself on the home.

It isn’t constant but what will typically happen is we will come in - and something else I didn’t mention is that a good fifty percent of the time DH will leave his key in the door so has to come and let us in, so then DS sees DH and wants to go to daddy … and cries.

And repeat this when DH comes through to use the toilet, or is on a loud phone call …

I've not RTFT but seems like quite a lot of the solution is in your DHs hands.
A) he needs to stop leaving his key in the door. Maybe you'll have to text him a reminder before you get home if he can't manage something that simple
B) unless he's got health issues, most adults can easily go more than 1.5 hours without using the loo.
C) may or may not be possible, but can he schedule his work (or moderate his voice) such that he's not making loud phone calls in the last 1.5 hours.

An alternative- would it help if he could schedule a 15 minute break so he can greet and pay full attention to his son at 4:30 - might be better than him being an unattainable object of desire iyswim

What an absolute load of horrible posts there has been overnight, as instead of some posters stepping back they have continued to put the boot in. Well done for really upsetting someone.

@Ivyonafence
Who suggested scolding the child? Certainly not me.

She's not running herself into the ground for the man.
Anything she's doing should be for the child and the family! Parenting isn't some sexist ploy against her!

Whether or not he's choosing wfh for his convenience is irrelevant. He's not obligated to wfo because the mother does not wish to mother for 90 minutes. All suggestions have been pushed aside by her. It's only her way or the highway.

Why should he have to pay to commute in time and money to suit her?

Likewise, there should be some movement in his side, if he refuses the bedroom for example, then he accepts that there will be some background noise. He could rearrange important calls timing etc. But equally, the op could be more positive too, why couldn't he sit in his highchair with a snack near dad? Then have a bath? Bathtime isn't set in stone! Why couldn't the op likewise be making some simple preparation with the child there also, without it being like the harmonic symphony?

As I said, I wfh, and have managed wfh with young children and believe me, toddlers are easier to manage in this context!

@Positivelyperfect

And incidentally, DH and I both work full time. My day finishes slightly earlier but it also starts earlier and I have a shorter lunch. I also have to work in the evenings.

DH is not a horrible, bad man, but I do feel as said before that because this setup works so well for him, he is reluctant to concede that it might not work particularly well for me.

Poor you OP. Don’t listen to the horrible responses here, seriously they can just fuck right off. Your dh is being absolutely unreasonable and we can see that.

Sorry, wrong thread! Have reported.

Let it go choice mummy you are just making a fool of yourself.

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Ivyonafence
Who suggested scolding the child? Certainly not me.

She's not running herself into the ground for the man.
Anything she's doing should be for the child and the family! Parenting isn't some sexist ploy against her!

Whether or not he's choosing wfh for his convenience is irrelevant. He's not obligated to wfo because the mother does not wish to mother for 90 minutes. All suggestions have been pushed aside by her. It's only her way or the highway.

Why should he have to pay to commute in time and money to suit her?

Likewise, there should be some movement in his side, if he refuses the bedroom for example, then he accepts that there will be some background noise. He could rearrange important calls timing etc. But equally, the op could be more positive too, why couldn't he sit in his highchair with a snack near dad? Then have a bath? Bathtime isn't set in stone! Why couldn't the op likewise be making some simple preparation with the child there also, without it being like the harmonic symphony?

As I said, I wfh, and have managed wfh with young children and believe me, toddlers are easier to manage in this context![/quote]
Yes yes yes

@ChoiceMummy

I hope that the op accepts that there are compromises to be made and for her not to be so immovable.

Why us it really so difficult to do the bath time routine earlier?

Likewise if the child was content in the same room as the father and her in the kitchen, quiet pottering around should not be an issue.

Covid has shown more people that homes are now dual spaces. I don't think he's unreasonable to be wfh, possibly if insisting on silence! Could he plan his day better to reduce the important calls in evening?

You talk of compromises, but what exactly is her husband doing on that score? He could go into the bedroom at the end of the day and shut the door but won't. He could go into the office a couple of days a week but won't. He doesn't have to WFH but selfishly does even though he knows they don't have the space for it and it's causing both inconvenience and distress for his family. He won't meet her halfway, yet she's expected to accommodate him?

Honestly the 'everyone should be able to wfh on their own terms, regardless' crew have lost the plot entirely now. It's getting embarrassing.

A home is a HOME. Not an office. If you can make wfh work for you without disrupting the rest of the family, great.

If it isnt working - and it won't always - then it's the height of selfish entitlement to expect tiny children to make adjustments rather than you It's gobsmacking that this has to be pointed out.