To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

@Positivelyperfect

Even working in a bedroom DS would be able to hear him and try to get to him - as I’ve said I was on the other side of this the other day, so I’m not totally unsympathetic and I don’t mind going out a couple of days a week. It’s the expectation that I’m going to do it every single day that I’m really fed up with.

Well that's where you have to start. When you are home with toddler - as it is a home- , DH cannot be in shared space to work and expect no interruptions that's UR and taking over the home where exhausted DS wants to be. Zero chance I'd be walking streets with DS or adding anything onto an already long nursery day!!

DH must decamp to bedroom and shut the door

DH needs to put headphones in and try to be quieter so that toddler doesn't hear him . If he wants to keep being loud then DS will come look for him and you're unable to manhandle a determined toddler who loves his daddy and can hear him all around the flat.

You will do your best to keep him away from bedroom door.
But if DS keeps becoming distressed as daddy is too noisy working, then DH needs to find a solution himself be that return to the office some days or go work from his car where he can make noisy calls from or go to a cafe.

Has he thought about inconveniencing himself in any way? For example if the child kicks off because he walked to the toilet, he could plan his toilet breaks so he doesn't need to do that in the last hour of the day? He could stay out of the kitchen. He could schedule his phone calls for earlier in the day.

Unbelievable how people expect the little woman to accomodate the big man no matter what.

And of course OP shouldn't cook dinner every night. Dh has more than an hour to himself- without a child underfoot- in the morning. What's to stop him throwing some ingredients into a slow cooker in the morning or on one of his breaks?

He's a selfish idiot. WFH means working from HOME. It's a home. He doesn't get to have the best of both worlds in terms of the comfort and ease of home but all the separation that would come with going into the office.

@PurpleCarpets

You are being entirely unreasonable *@Positivelyperfect*. He's not working for his own entertainment. It pays the family bills. Let the poor man do it to the best of his ability in peace.

You can't be serious.

OP also works full time.

And if her DH is a brain surgeon, air traffic controller or instructs people how to dismantle bombs in real time - then she hasn't mentioned it. I'm guessing he has a normal desk job in which interruptions aren't the end of the world. He should deal with them and get on with it, like everyone else has had to since 2020.

YANBU

Your DH returns to his office or learns to put up with interruptions

This is precisely why people need to accept they need to go back to the office. If you haven't got a dedicated workspace, wfh is not viable as a long term solution.

Another one who's a bit worried for you OP, do you have any support around? You're right, this isn't yours to solve, you and DH should be a team. It does sound like you're both being a bit inflexible though. Can you remember how you imagined it would work, when you first got pregnant, already during pandemic/WFH? I think that sense of hope and optimism and anything is possible might help problem solving X

ps. by inflexible, I mean entrenched, something feels stuck. It may be you need to give him a bigger kick up the arse!

You have a DH problem not a toddler problem. He goes back to the office end of.

I wouldn't contemplate voluntary WFH without a dedicated space. In most homes it's just not fair to commandeer a shared space as a workplace every day. People made do as best they could during mandatory WFH but it's not fair to expect to be able to do that long term. It sucks because it means the advantages for WFH tend to be available for wealthier people with larger homes and less available for those who have less.

I think some people have answered this question with their own homes in mind, and aren't listening to the OP's clear and consistent description of the limited space and layout in her home.

It's a very Mumsnet thing to do, to breezily suggest someone go into their 'garden/upstairs/spare bedroom' and 'shut the door'. Kind of like when an OP writes that she is poor and stressed and someone always comes along to tell her to hire a cleaner and take a spa day.

In all reality I have worked full time at home for the past 2.5 years. My partner has our now 3 year old 2days at nursery and the rest from home.
We have a one storey property so toddler can come him and out room when he wants.
In all honesty I think your husband should suck it up and just get on with it. Depending on his job and seniority my colleagues are quite used to Henry wondering in and sitting on my lap whilst I am in meetings as are the other peoples children in my organisation.
Fortunately I am relatively senior and due to global role work all funny time zones so I have a child a life a job and just get on with it!
If the mothers can do it so can the fathers!

@Positivelyperfect forgive me if this has already been suggested, but this is what I'd do...

I'd come home, and I'd carry on as though DH wasn't there. This is your home and your baby's home, not his personal private workplace. Let DS get to DH if that's what hes determined to do. Cook a meal, and don't do it in silence. Use your home as a home. Use your kitchen as a kitchen. Talk to DS. Play with DS.

DH will start making other arrangements very very soon, once he's the one being most inconvenienced.

You sound like you're at the end of your tether and I don't blame you, but you don't have to live like this in your own home! The one who needs to change their routine is your DH, not you and your baby.

I think your husband needs to get up earlier and start work earlier so that he's done by the time witching hour comes by.

He needs to go to the office. Simple.

@Positivelyperfect

And incidentally, DH and I both work full time. My day finishes slightly earlier but it also starts earlier and I have a shorter lunch. I also have to work in the evenings.

DH is not a horrible, bad man, but I do feel as said before that because this setup works so well for him, he is reluctant to concede that it might not work particularly well for me.

While it may work well for him, it doesn’t work for the family. So I think you need to have a serious chat with him about it and the impact it’s having.

If he wants to wfh all the time, he needs to also think practically about family time. This won’t get easier as toddler gets older if he’s home and can’t be disturbed.

There must be other options, eg why doesn’t he work 8-4 as well? - but first things first, be very blunt and open with your DH.

Sorry op you've been upset by the judgy posts.

YANBU, your dh is. If it were me I'd be cracking on with our usual after work routine and if the toddler disturbs him too bad.

You've been at work all day, baby has been at nursery why on earth should you have to find activities to do outside the home when no doubt you are both tired.

If the noise/distraction is difficult for dh to manage then he'll have to figure it out.

@Positivelyperfect

This thread has turned into one that is very upsetting.

I am absolutely baffled as to how people have extrapolated because these hours are quite stressful I am starving my child and not interacting with him.

We play with toys, we read books, he does have snacks. Bathtime routine doesn’t start until later. I didn’t mention cooking because I really, honestly, didn’t see what was relevant about it but I cannot cook in an open plan kitchen with someone working in what is effectively the same room. That is not me being pig headed, it is how it is. I don’t know where any of you work, but imagine someone cooking with a toddler in the same room as you while you are working. That is what you are repeatedly demanding I do.

But the repeated insistence I do this has made me feel pretty awful and I think they are both better off without me. I am now up at this time (after getting up with DS) battling some very black thoughts and trying not to hate myself but I do.

Pig headed, useless piece of shit who should get her fat, useless arse in that kitchen and cook, fucks sake, everyone else manages, you stupid, pig headed thick lump. Poor kid is desperate to get away from you, look, you piece of shit, you can’t even cook.

Yep, hide the thread. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I’m not surprised you are upset, OP, some of these replies are staggering. The idea you should be bending over backwards to accommodate the whims of “the man of house” made me check the calendar to see if I’d woken up in the Dark Ages.

Your DH needs to work in the office, at least a few days a week. Your flat is clearly not set up for WFH. If the selfish sod still doesn’t want to do that, he needs to work out a way for you to move house to somewhere bigger. I cannot believe that as a dad he’s prioritising his right to work in a room without a door on over the well-being of his one-year-old who has already spent an exhausting day at nursery. It would make me seriously go off him!

@PyongyangKipperbang
It's totally reasonable that he wishes to wfh for whatever reason. And it's not unreasonable to expect that the parent responsible for childcare until 6pm to actually parent rather than stamp her foot in tantrum, behave totally inept and like a child herself!
She has implied lots, but nothing of substance!

OP - if you comeback to this thread, I agree with you. Your home is a home first. If dh needs to work from home, then you need to move to somewhere that can accommodate that. Or he goes back to the office. This is a choice he is making and expecting the rest of you to make it work for him.

The solution is DH goes back to the office.

My DH works from home, and has done since before lockdown. It was always OK, apart from try school holidays. He tried various things - renting office space, working in the living room rather than through dining room (which he does now) and also building a very small garden office. Unless the commute is really long I think your DH needs ti go back to the office at least two days a week. But that's up to him- I would just carry in as normal with the toddler and let DH decide what he wants to do.

It’s absolutely obvious what needs to happen. Husband needs to either shift his hours or take a break late afternoon so he can spend some time with his one year old, or go back to the office.
I’m petty, OP, so I would be making plenty of noise to ‘encourage’ him. I would not be heading out to keep the house quiet after I’ve been at work. Nor would I leave DC in childcare longer - mine did 8.30 to 5 and that was long enough. Nor would I put tv on for a one year old - no way.

I would be making it clear that my home is not a workspace. If it is not possible to have a separate room where he can work quietly then he goes back to the office.

I agree with others that your DP needs to start earlier and finish earlier. Or find somewhere else to work.

You have been working FT as well and a home is ultimately a place of rest, where you should be able to play with your toddler. Parenting a toddler after a long day at work/ nursery is hard enough without having to creep around the house and constantly police your toddler/ that's absolutely impossible.
The impetus is absolutely on your DH- and not you- to find a solution

@FoxyFoxyLoxy

No, you don't have to take him out everyday but you do have to keep him quiet and keep him out of the way.

Interruptions like this are avoidable and hugely unprofessional. Or put your child in nursery for longer.

Sorry I disagree. I've lost count of the amount of ore recorded messages saying people are working from home, so you'll hear background home noises. My dog barks when the door goes? Nothing I want to do about that, I'm happy with her letting people know where she lives.

Childrens noise is part of family life.

Some people should really read the thread before answering - the DH should work in the office - their flat isn't set up for WFH and toddlers spending 8 hours in nursery should be able to come home and just be. As should the other. Your DH is a selfish twat. At most I would agree to 2 days at home, 3 days in the office but asking you to go out with a toddler after working all day and toddler at nursery absolutely not.

[quote ChoiceMummy]@PyongyangKipperbang
It's totally reasonable that he wishes to wfh for whatever reason. And it's not unreasonable to expect that the parent responsible for childcare until 6pm to actually parent rather than stamp her foot in tantrum, behave totally inept and like a child herself!
She has implied lots, but nothing of substance![/quote]
I beg you, please tell me what parenting trick makes an exhausted one year old silent, stationary and obedient?