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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

998 replies

Positivelyperfect · 03/03/2022 17:28

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 04/03/2022 00:37

@Kdubs1981

Your house is first and foremost a home, not a place of work. He needs to find a solution, not you
This.

Can he go back to the office?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/03/2022 00:37

Non excuses 😂

She's a stranger on a forum, not your employee or child.

he's not changing his location. Doesn't really matter if it's a great idea if it's the one thing he's not budging on and the whole cause of the problem.

So if a poster was to say her husband puts her down all the time, is horrible to her, makes fun of her but says he has no intention of changing your advice would be to appease and placate him because he's not budging? Catch yourself on.

It's ok to encourage a poster to try to push for a solution that is healthy and fair for the family, including a one year old, not just the preference of the man. To tell her she's not unreasonable to think his position on this is unfair and unsupportive.

You seem to be enjoying just being antagonistic and I'm sorry you feel the need to do it rather than being supportive of a mum who is juggling full time work, a one year old and a husband who won't compromise when she is happy to as per her suggestion of 2/3 days of one way and the rest of the other.

Escargooooooo · 04/03/2022 00:39

So if a poster was to say her husband puts her down all the time, is horrible to her, makes fun of her but says he has no intention of changing your advice would be to appease and placate him because he's not budging? Catch yourself on.

Oh yes definitely. That's exactly the same Smile

Holly151290 · 04/03/2022 00:39

This reply has been deleted

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Ivyonafence · 04/03/2022 01:43

@Escargooooooo

What if he insists "it just makes sense for you to do drop off because you're going that way anyway"

It's ten minutes away. It's not out of his way regardless of where she's headed.

Why are you so against the reasonable compromise that the op suggested of her DH returning to the office 2/3 days a week

The one thing that's pretty established is that he's not changing his location. Doesn't really matter if it's a great idea if it's the one thing he's not budging on and the whole cause of the problem.

If she's going to do the latter, why keep berating her and making snarky comments on the thread?

If I'm being deliberately obtuse, making non excuses, and someone observes that, I get to call them berating and snarky. Ok.

Why does he get to 'not budge' on his location?

Why does the OP have to be to one to bend and accomodate instead of the other way around?

Goodness me, what year is this

Notcreativeatall · 04/03/2022 01:45

Your DH is being an arse- he is choosing to work from home - it appears he has a viable solution and not only that he is choosing to work in the most convenient place for him and the most inconvenient place for you and your child. Do you get any advantages about him being at home? ie does he use the commuter time for family stuff?
I'd tell him to suck it up or got back to the office otherwise.

One possible suggestion- if DH gave DS some undivided attention say from 4.30-5.45 - would this reduce the demands that DS makes on him otherwise?

PurpleCarpets · 04/03/2022 01:55

You are being entirely unreasonable @Positivelyperfect. He's not working for his own entertainment. It pays the family bills. Let the poor man do it to the best of his ability in peace.

lborgia · 04/03/2022 02:10

I've pretty much only read your posts because all the outrageous posts were doing my head inGrin

Has anyone asked how long DH's commute is if he goes to the office?

Could he do 3 half days at the office - so eg 9-1 at home, 2-6.30 at work or something?!

I cannot get past the fact that you live in a one floor open plan space, and he thinks your are entirely responsible for keeping a work environment sacred for him during "the witching hour" , with a one-year old.

Your child has already done ridiculous hours at nursery, you're holding down a full time job and covering the witching hour too.

The least he can do is take it somewhere else!

FFS

lemmein · 04/03/2022 02:12

Haven't read all the replies cos frankly some of the ones I did read were batshit.

OP, I don't know if this has been suggested but do your ILs live close by? Could DH set up in a spare bedroom in their house and go to work there?

My DD WFH but sometimes works from my house so she feels like she's actually going to work - being in the house for weeks on end really affects her MH.

If that isn't an option id be telling your DH to piss off and do his important man-work elsewhere, like his office Hmm no way would I be shushing a toddler for 90 minutes everyday - it's your baby's home, not your DHs office!

lemmein · 04/03/2022 02:16

@PurpleCarpets

You are being entirely unreasonable *@Positivelyperfect*. He's not working for his own entertainment. It pays the family bills. Let the poor man do it to the best of his ability in peace.
Actually lolled at this Grin

Like I said, batshit!

Butterfly44 · 04/03/2022 02:36

He needs to set up office elsewhere - some without a spare room to do so have bought garden rooms. Orr the alternative is not work from home and fine another space of he wants no interruptions

lborgia · 04/03/2022 02:45

@lemmein looks like we had the same idea at 2.10am in the morningGrin

Aria999 · 04/03/2022 03:08

It sucks but it will get better.

DH is being unreasonable. If he could perfectly well go into the office and chooses not to then he needs to accept the home environment for what it is. You can only try your best. It's reasonable to ask you to try but unreasonable to expect perfection.

We went through this phase too (dd repeatedly climbed up three flights of stairs to bug daddy in his office every time I took my eyes off her for a second). Luckily his colleagues and students on zoom thought she was super cute! I did suggest that if it was too much of a problem he needed to wedge his door closed as I can't never go to the loo (our house was basically impossible for stair gates).

I would patiently retrieve her every time within a few minutes but I would not have been happy if DH had been unsupportive.

Now she is two and basically understands 'don't bug daddy, he's working'

If he must choose to work from home, maybe some high end noise canceling headphones would be good for him!

Aria999 · 04/03/2022 03:15

(DH has noise canceling headphones and their official name for finding on Bluetooth etc is Toddler Canceling Headphones)

KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 03:22

@Kdubs1981

Your house is first and foremost a home, not a place of work. He needs to find a solution, not you
This.

We have a similar issue, OP. DH WFH full time. I'm at home on mat leave. Try to get out as much as possible and give DH a good 2-3 days with an empty house but I want a day or two a week at home. One ti get jobs done and once to veg/maybe have a friend over for a play date.
DH is in a separate office but gets really pissed off if the 3 month old cries for anything beyond 30 seconds. Sometimes I need the loo, or to make lunch, or wash the floor, etc. and have to leave him to cry for a minute or two. He's got a loud and angry cry.

My argument is that it's a home first, one room is an office and if he can't cope he needs to go into the office once or twice a week or find a local coffee shop to work in.

KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 03:23

@FoxyFoxyLoxy

No, you don't have to take him out everyday but you do have to keep him quiet and keep him out of the way.

Interruptions like this are avoidable and hugely unprofessional. Or put your child in nursery for longer.

Keep the toddler quiet? Why shouldn't her DH be expected to go into the office?
KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 03:27

Are his hours flexible, OP? Can he condense and make those hours up elsewhere?

Original poster
Positivelyperfect · 04/03/2022 03:52

This thread has turned into one that is very upsetting.

I am absolutely baffled as to how people have extrapolated because these hours are quite stressful I am starving my child and not interacting with him.

We play with toys, we read books, he does have snacks. Bathtime routine doesn’t start until later. I didn’t mention cooking because I really, honestly, didn’t see what was relevant about it but I cannot cook in an open plan kitchen with someone working in what is effectively the same room. That is not me being pig headed, it is how it is. I don’t know where any of you work, but imagine someone cooking with a toddler in the same room as you while you are working. That is what you are repeatedly demanding I do.

But the repeated insistence I do this has made me feel pretty awful and I think they are both better off without me. I am now up at this time (after getting up with DS) battling some very black thoughts and trying not to hate myself but I do.

Pig headed, useless piece of shit who should get her fat, useless arse in that kitchen and cook, fucks sake, everyone else manages, you stupid, pig headed thick lump. Poor kid is desperate to get away from you, look, you piece of shit, you can’t even cook.

Yep, hide the thread. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

OP posts:
Indigoo03 · 04/03/2022 03:53

YANBU for the record. DH is not comprising nor willing to do anything to help situation which would extremely annoy me.

Original poster
Positivelyperfect · 04/03/2022 04:00

And incidentally, DH and I both work full time. My day finishes slightly earlier but it also starts earlier and I have a shorter lunch. I also have to work in the evenings.

DH is not a horrible, bad man, but I do feel as said before that because this setup works so well for him, he is reluctant to concede that it might not work particularly well for me.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 04/03/2022 04:07

Are you ok you sound like you really struggling?

I've read some replies I think most people assumed you were in a house and couldn't see the issue. It seems like the layout makes things more complicated. If dh can't work in a room that is separate, change his hours or go work remotely then yes this sounds like it's not working and he needs to back to office. Unless you could alter your hours to fit better?

KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 04:19

@LunaNova

The fact of the matter is that it's the OPs home and she deserves to treat it as such.

It's draining when you've been at work all day and you envisage this lovely time with your toddler when you get home where you can sit and read stories and play together. Then you actually get home and your toddler is grotty because they're tired and you finally wrangle them into playing or reading and you feel like supermum and then they hear dad and it's game over. Suddenly they're screaming for dad and you're trying to stop them and you're exhausted and they're exhausted and you finally get them to stop and you think it'd be nice to get a cup of tea but you daren't go into the kitchen because you have to walk past DH and you know it's gonna set toddler off again and you just haven't got the mental headspace to stop another meltdown so you go without, only for DH to pop through to go to the toilet anyway causing that second meltdown you were trying to avoid. Then on the way back to his desk, your DH turns to you and says "can you try and keep him a bit quieter, I'm trying to work in here".

Don't tell me doing that 5 days a week wouldn't drain a person. No amount of distraction techniques are going to help OP feel less drained. She literally said she just wants to be able to play normally with her kid.

All this. With bells on.
KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 04:27

What's very clear reading this thread is that some people are fortunate enough to have docile, easy kids and genuinely believe this is because of their excellent parenting and that people with kids who aren't easily distracted or placated are probably shite parents.

Whether this goes hand in hand with those same people being vicious and lacking empathy is unclear.

KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 04:30

@PurpleCarpets

You are being entirely unreasonable *@Positivelyperfect*. He's not working for his own entertainment. It pays the family bills. Let the poor man do it to the best of his ability in peace.
@PurpleCarpets - how do you know OP's FULL TIME job isn't the one that pays the family bills?
stuntbubbles · 04/03/2022 04:35

@Positivelyperfect I’m so sorry the thread has gone this way and made you feel like this. I’m also sorry your DH is not budging. Flowers

People on here have been particularly stupid with this one.

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