To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

@Escargooooooo

You're being thoroughly unpleasant at this point. Snarky and unkind.

Saying OP's responses are 'indignant' is a bit rich when you've become so invested in continuing to berate a complete stranger.

Chill.

@Escargooooooo

They work the same hours.

No they don't. He works an hour longer than her each day.

But. He also doesn't start until 9 (til 6). Whereas she starts at 8 (til 4).

The nursery is ten minutes away. And he goes 7.30 to 4.30. So actually, as OP says it's a ten minute drive, she gets in at 4.40 earliest. That's 10 minutes of the 90 gone.

Why doesn't DH who starts later, take him to start at 8.30? As the big objection to him staying an extra hour is that she doesn't want him there any longer than the hours he already does. Then he can do the same hours, 8.30 to 5.30. She's not had to do the pick up on the way home, so gets home 4.30 latest, has 50 minutes of "me time" before she needs to head out to get him, then by the time she gets home with him at 5.40pm, she's only got 20 minutes to look after him on her own.

I imagine she'll have every reason why this is simply impossible for her as well...

So in this scenario I'm interested to hear why the DH can't both take the child and pick him up from nursery? Like OP is doing now? So she doesn't have to come home and then go out almost immediately to collect the child who's only at nursery to keep him out of his own home so his dad doesn't have the distraction of his own child?

I don't know why you're so insistent that at every turn it is OP and the child that have to compromise and pick up some slack?

@Whitefire

Not a hungry one. But OP is indignant at the idea she should have to make dinner, and is also incapable with a "toddler hanging off her".

I think you are just trolling the OP now. The DH is in the same area of the kitchen, there is no door, so if the OP has to cook then the DH is there, which means the toddler is too.

Mmm hmm.

If someone can't put their one year old in a high chair without them screaming the entire time, in order to make a quick bite to eat, then the issue is not the other parent being in the house.

Does the child scream uncontrollably at every meal time because his father is in view? Or just selectively when at 1yrs old he knows his father is on work time.

YANBU

So you spend every day away from home working, do both parts of the nursery run and solely parent the toddler until 6pm.
Your toddler spends every day 8hours in a nursery

Your DH stays at home, every day and is unhappy that you are back.

Any reasonable solution starts with him acknowledginh this and trying to find a solution.
Some days in the office.
Or him moving to the bedroom before you come (and visiting the toilet as he does it, to lower the chance to meet DC) & putting a good headset on and learning that he doesn't need to shout with microphone an inch from his mouth.
If he won't do anything, there is no reasonable solution.

In such case I'd just live at home, and if he complains, be genuinely surprised, that if he wanted to find some arrangement, he would surely had said something.

So in this scenario I'm interested to hear why the DH can't both take the child and pick him up from nursery? Like OP is doing now? So she doesn't have to come home and then go out almost immediately to collect the child who's only at nursery to keep him out of his own home so his dad doesn't have the distraction of his own child?

Because he's still working?! She clocks off at 4.

Hence he does drop off, when he's not

Yes op get theeself into the kitchen slaving for your husband, put your child in his highchair and feed him (in that obviously open plan kitchen that your husband is working in) or sit him at the dining table to do some crafts, that room that your husband is working in. It's easy. He's an arse, I have someone similar at home, ok they might not like being stuck on their own all day up in their office but they can piss off out of my space because I like having my music on and I have to turn it off if they try to work downstairs due to all the stupid phone calls. Plus I'm trying to focus on paperwork and their calls are distracting. WFH does not work if you have the wrong person or the wrong set up. Sounds like the op has both issues

@Escargooooooo

So in this scenario I'm interested to hear why the DH can't both take the child and pick him up from nursery? Like OP is doing now? So she doesn't have to come home and then go out almost immediately to collect the child who's only at nursery to keep him out of his own home so his dad doesn't have the distraction of his own child?

Because he's still working?! She clocks off at 4.

Hence he does drop off, when he's not

They meant in your suggestion scenario in which DH has changed his hours...

@Escargooooooo OP already said peak traffic makes it closer to a 30 minute journey. Why should she have to effectively commute twice so that her DH gets all the home comforts of wfh.

Also nowhere on this thread did she say what time he starts work. For all we know he could start at 6am and we might have more sympathy or he could lay in bed until 10am before rolling out and starting work, would your opinion change if that were the case?

I don't know why you are so keen to tear a woman down who just wanted to know if she was being unreasonable that her DH suggested she takes her DS out for 90 minutes every night so he can work in peace.

Oh wait, I read it wrong and he hasn't had to change his hours even in your invented scenario 😂 my bad.

I don't know why you are so keen to tear a woman down who just wanted to know if she was being unreasonable that her DH suggested she takes her DS out for 90 minutes every night so he can work in peace.

Baffling isn't it? And to do so snarkily and unkindly. Very odd.

No no, you misread... Or I mistyped. The hours that change are the boy's nursery hours.

If DH doesn't start till 9, why does OP need to take him for 7.30 when she leaves? It's only ten minutes away.

OP and DH maintain their hours. The boy changes from 7.30 to 4.30, to 8.30 to 5.30

@Escargooooooo

No no, you misread... Or I mistyped. The hours that change are the boy's nursery hours.

If DH doesn't start till 9, why does OP need to take him for 7.30 when she leaves? It's only ten minutes away.

OP and DH maintain their hours. The boy changes from 7.30 to 4.30, to 8.30 to 5.30

You can bet anything it's because the DH won't put himself out to take his child to nursery. Bit of a pattern here don't you think?

I don’t think OP should have to go out, I just don’t think it’s such a big deal being at home. I’d move bathtimes and find stuff to do but ultimately I think the child is the one who needs to accommodated not the adults

Husband is being wholly unreasonable and selfish. As for the PP commenting in how you could spend your time, they haven't a clue. I have 3 kids, my first two I would have been able to distract in OP's scenario with snacks and reading and bath etc (though why she should have to 5 days a week is beyond me when she isn't a single parent and her husband doesn't work away).
My youngest? Not a chance. I could have had triplets of my eldest and been fine - he was fairly biddable compared to my littlest. People who think a 13 month old can 'learn the rules if you just parent harder' have clearly not managed more challenging toddlers. My third screams for his Dad the second he is out of sight, has done for the past 20 months and he's 2 and a half. No bath or raisins or CBeebies can prevent the 15 minute tantrum, and he does love CBeebies and apples but he loves his Dad more. It's just his personality, and not a failure of my parenting, my other two were nothing like this.
Honestly OP you've been given a hard time by posters who just don't get it. I do - I'm lucky enough to have a house with an upstairs and spare room to wfh (my previous home was a 2 up 2 down terrace and wfh would have been a nightmare), DH and I still accept sounds of life and the occasional incursion when wfh, your home isn't set up to enable wfh fulltime and the suggestions that you should extend your child's day in childcare or magically cook whilst keeping them entertained and quiet and away from Daddy who is audible and visible are incredibly naive and unrealistic.
He needs to compromise and go back to the office at least a couple of days a week. He also needs to prep dinner in the 2 extra hours he gets in the morning before starting work, and crack on with the washing and cleaning. YANBU.

I wouldn't stop the little one making noise etc to encourage Husband to go back to the workplace and make everyones life easier!!!

@Escargooooooo

Genuine question - what's your issue with OP believing that the best thing for the home, the relationship and her little boy is for her DH to go back to the office at least for 3 days a week as she suggested in her compromise a good few hours ago?

OP already said peak traffic makes it closer to a 30 minute journey. Why should she have to effectively commute twice so that her DH gets all the home comforts of wfh.

Yes that was on a 5pm pick up which no one suggested, because then she could also make out she only had ten minutes turn around. She ignored the 5.30 suggestion (true to form as she ignores everything that work that people suggest)

Also nowhere on this thread did she say what time he starts work. For all we know he could start at 6am and we might have more sympathy or he could lay in bed until 10am before rolling out and starting work, would your opinion change if that were the case?

Then you missed where she said it. He works 9 til 6. Her 8 til 4.

If someone can't put their one year old in a high chair without them screaming the entire time, in order to make a quick bite to eat, then the issue is not the other parent being in the house.

Is it really not understandable that some babies and toddlers are not willing and cooperative? That they don't like being strapped into a highchair or put in a cot? And that some parents are not willing to allow for the child to get increasingly distressed? It isn't the parenting, it is the child's personality.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Escargooooooo

Genuine question - what's your issue with OP believing that the best thing for the home, the relationship and her little boy is for her DH to go back to the office at least for 3 days a week as she suggested in her compromise a good few hours ago?[/quote]
No issue.

But that's not going to happen. Sort of pointless to address that. If that was happening, there would not be this thread.

Hence we have all been suggesting things to alleviate the situation. The issue is OP claiming everything is impossible. So she has two choices in a situation that isn't changing.

Help herself and try and improve things.

Insist nothing can possibly be done and carry on.

If you're going to do the latter, why bother asking for advice?

@Whitefire

If someone can't put their one year old in a high chair without them screaming the entire time, in order to make a quick bite to eat, then the issue is not the other parent being in the house.

Is it really not understandable that some babies and toddlers are not willing and cooperative? That they don't like being strapped into a highchair or put in a cot? And that some parents are not willing to allow for the child to get increasingly distressed? It isn't the parenting, it is the child's personality.

But yet he can eat "out of working hours" with no issue

@Escargooooooo

OP already said peak traffic makes it closer to a 30 minute journey. Why should she have to effectively commute twice so that her DH gets all the home comforts of wfh.

Yes that was on a 5pm pick up which no one suggested, because then she could also make out she only had ten minutes turn around. She ignored the 5.30 suggestion (true to form as she ignores everything that work that people suggest)

Also nowhere on this thread did she say what time he starts work. For all we know he could start at 6am and we might have more sympathy or he could lay in bed until 10am before rolling out and starting work, would your opinion change if that were the case?

Then you missed where she said it. He works 9 til 6. Her 8 til 4.

Apologies I did miss the 9-6 comment. Regardless my point still stands, op leaves the house at 7:15 meaning DH gets almost 2 hours before starting his working day, does your opinion change if he's not doing something that benefits the family and is instead sleeping or playing computer games? What if he insists "it just makes sense for you to do drop off because you're going that way anyway"

I don't know where you live but around here rush hour traffic is just that, it lasts until about 6pm so a 5:30/6pm pick up might not be any more favourable than a 5pm pickup. Not to mention the additional costs in that. Plus that does mean she probably doesn't get to spend much time with her child at all in the week because she would get home just in time for bedtime, what a shit existence.

Why are you so against the reasonable compromise that the op suggested of her DH returning to the office 2/3 days a week. It's weird how adamant you are op is in the wrong here.

If you're going to do the latter, why bother asking for advice?

If she's going to do the latter, why keep berating her and making snarky comments on the thread?

You've made your position clear. Surprised you've got the energy or interest to keep repeating it.

I think we all know what you think now. Not much point continuing having a go at a complete stranger you've decided isn't listening to you. Pointless in fact.

YANBU. Childcare is also work, and when kids leave daycare they are knackered and need downtime at home. I have worked at a daycare and I've got 2 kids - small toddlers save up all their emotions for home and they really need to let loose when they are picked up at the end of the day. Your DH has an office to go to but you don't have another house, and going out is tiring, not always feasible with weather conditions etc. He is BU. Stand your ground OP.

@Positivelyperfect

control her child

He’s a toddler trying to go into a room in his own home, not one of Fagin’s gang members

Howling Your DH is being an uncompromising twat Does he do nursery drop off or do you do drop and pick up? Whats his core hours, could he take DS later in the morning? He needs to go into the office at least 2 days a week, you must be run ragged.

What if he insists "it just makes sense for you to do drop off because you're going that way anyway"

It's ten minutes away. It's not out of his way regardless of where she's headed.

Why are you so against the reasonable compromise that the op suggested of her DH returning to the office 2/3 days a week

The one thing that's pretty established is that he's not changing his location. Doesn't really matter if it's a great idea if it's the one thing he's not budging on and the whole cause of the problem.

If she's going to do the latter, why keep berating her and making snarky comments on the thread?

If I'm being deliberately obtuse, making non excuses, and someone observes that, I get to call them berating and snarky. Ok.