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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

998 replies

Positivelyperfect · 03/03/2022 17:28

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

OP posts:
DotBall · 03/03/2022 23:30

The pair of you sound pretty pig-headed - he won’t move rooms and you don’t want to cook every night. No point you asking on here, you guys need a proper, adult conversation about it all.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2022 23:31

@BurntO

He’s needs to go upstairs for the last 90 minutes. It’s really not a big deal. Noise wise he’ll have to get over it. Use ear plugs or ear phones.
There is no upstairs!! OP has clarified this numerous times. There is no upstairs. So that's not possible.

Unless she should be taking building (by hand, herself, obvs) an extra floor of the home while also cooking nightly, keeping a one year old quiet for 90 minutes and doing as she's told by her husband who simply must have a much more Big Important Job because he has a penis.

Dreambigger · 03/03/2022 23:31

But why are you doing the drop off/pick up and minding toddler 5 days a week. You are correct ..your toddler is fine its your DH is unreasonable and is living his best life. So stick to you guns and go about your normal routine and he will just have to work around this. End of. He will be back in the office by Easter. Its a home first and foremost.

5zeds · 03/03/2022 23:31

I have five children Confused

Ace56 · 03/03/2022 23:33

Don’t understand why your husband can’t work in the bedroom for the last hour and a half with the door closed, and you just keep DS busy? What would you do if he was displaying any other behaviours you didn’t want, eg. if he kept trying to climb onto the kitchen table? You’d distract him/be firm that he’s not allowed to do that/remove him/bribes/treats etc until it sinks in. Just do the same with ‘daddy’s working’ and carry on as if DH wasn’t there!

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 23:33

And I have six....do I win?!

Fact is that your kids are not the OPs kid, your home is not her home, her DH is not your DH so saying as FACT what worked for you is foolish at best.

ChoiceMummy · 03/03/2022 23:35

Why should the partner add the cost in money and time onto his day if he can work from home (which sounds like longer hours than the op anyway),just because she is incapable of parenting.

God forbid she ever be expected to cook for the child or partner!

Out if interest, @Positivelyperfect what time do you eat and bathe your child (and for how long?) or is that the father's responsibility?

ThePoint678 · 03/03/2022 23:37

@AuntyBumBum

So really I should add an unpaid hour onto my work time, DS should do an extra hour in nursery so DH should have the right to work in undisturbed silence in a family home? That’s nuts!

This, and some of the replies, seem to be based on the notion that darling husband is being entirely unreasonable working, that it's some pointless annoying past time of his, and he should buck his ideas up and help you with child care. I'm guessing that the money he earns from this job goes into family coffers to help support you all, including darling son? In which case I think you need to acknowledge that what he's doing is an important family activity, not some sort of distraction from it.

This
Escargooooooo · 03/03/2022 23:37

@DotBall

The pair of you sound pretty pig-headed - he won’t move rooms and you don’t want to cook every night. No point you asking on here, you guys need a proper, adult conversation about it all.
Amen
5zeds · 03/03/2022 23:38

If you have six children how can you not know that a child coming in from nursery fractious, tired and hungry is likely to be soothed by a snack and a cuddle/book/tv or a warm bath? How can you not know that small children eat, bathe, etc between 4 and 7? How can you imagine that ONE child would be so impossible to manage?

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 23:39

@ChoiceMummy

Why should the partner add the cost in money and time onto his day if he can work from home (which sounds like longer hours than the op anyway),just because she is incapable of parenting.

God forbid she ever be expected to cook for the child or partner!

Out if interest, @Positivelyperfect what time do you eat and bathe your child (and for how long?) or is that the father's responsibility?

They work the same hours.

The OP has time and money on her day, he used to have on his, he just prefers it this way and expects the OP (who has implied that she is the main earner) to facilitate his preferences.

If this was a necessity in order for him to keep his job then it would be different. But he is choosing to WFH when he has other options. The OP takes her son to nursery for 7:30 am and gets home at 4:30. This is not a part time day for either of them and it is totally unreasonable that he expects their day to last 90 minutes longer just to suit his preference to not commute.

Escargooooooo · 03/03/2022 23:40

@TheKeatingFive

This routine reads like how you imagined having children before you actually had them.

Quite

Or, like parents, who are staggered at the excuses of another parent making every excuse why it's impossible to look after their child.
TheSmallAssassin · 03/03/2022 23:41

You really are twisting OP's words there, @ChoiceMummy, I'm not sure to what ends.

Some people on this thread seem to be determined not to see OP's quite reasonable frustrations.

k1233 · 03/03/2022 23:43

Why can't your DH change his day around so he has 30 mins with toddler when you get home and then finishes work?

Toddlers want what they can't have. I'm pretty certain toddler isn't glued to your DH all weekend and DH is able to talk and do activities away from toddler. Why is that? Probably because toddler can access DH whenever, so it isn't a drama.

If DH wants to WFH he needs to work out how to enable that. No idea why his voice is booming out, but a second suggestion would be to block calls and meetings post 4.30 so he can work quietly.

Trial a week of toddler being allowed to see DH when you get in. Don't make it taboo or a drama. See if toddlers need for DH on arrival home changes.

LunaNova · 03/03/2022 23:46

The fact of the matter is that it's the OPs home and she deserves to treat it as such.

It's draining when you've been at work all day and you envisage this lovely time with your toddler when you get home where you can sit and read stories and play together. Then you actually get home and your toddler is grotty because they're tired and you finally wrangle them into playing or reading and you feel like supermum and then they hear dad and it's game over. Suddenly they're screaming for dad and you're trying to stop them and you're exhausted and they're exhausted and you finally get them to stop and you think it'd be nice to get a cup of tea but you daren't go into the kitchen because you have to walk past DH and you know it's gonna set toddler off again and you just haven't got the mental headspace to stop another meltdown so you go without, only for DH to pop through to go to the toilet anyway causing that second meltdown you were trying to avoid. Then on the way back to his desk, your DH turns to you and says "can you try and keep him a bit quieter, I'm trying to work in here".

Don't tell me doing that 5 days a week wouldn't drain a person. No amount of distraction techniques are going to help OP feel less drained. She literally said she just wants to be able to play normally with her kid.

Escargooooooo · 03/03/2022 23:46

@PearPickingPorky

The stress of reading a book with her one year old child. Really? That's now what we have to call stressful. Yes she's been at work, just like the other parent has, and still is.

You can't sit and read a book with an exhausted, hungry one year old.

Have you ever actually met a tired hungry 1 year old?

I have 2yr old twins.

Yes, you can read to a tired 1yr old.

Not a hungry one. But OP is indignant at the idea she should have to make dinner, and is also incapable with a "toddler hanging off her".

She is as culpable for this 90 minutes of "fun" as her DH.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/03/2022 23:47

@Positivelyperfect I can see you might not come back to this thread but I just wanted to post in solidarity with you!

I work from home permanently, but my kids are much older (all in school) and crucially, I have a room upstairs with a door that I can shut.

YANBU at all - your husband is - and tbh it's telling that because he likes WFH it's the other members of the household that have to compromise. I mean I get it, I don't want to go back to work - but I would if I was inconveniencing my entire household just so I didn't have to get dressed and go out!

Why isn't he discussing what he can do? Can he maybe start earlier and finish earlier? Can he block out the last 90 minutes of his day, maybe 3 days a week so he's not on the phone and his child toddling about isn't so distracting? Will his job fall down and fail if he compromises somewhere there? IME most people that have been granted the capacity to WFH permanently now, are either senior enough to be flexible, or have a senior who would probably be ok with a request like "I'd like to start at 8am 3 days a week so I can finish earlier for those three days and I'd also like your permission to keep the final hour of my day free of meetings (unless business critical) on the other two days". It's fucking shit he's simply saying to OP, keep my child away from me a quiet and I don't care how you do it because my preference is to WFH Hmm.

canary1 · 03/03/2022 23:48

Seriously the husband is the problem here. If he won’t converse reasonably about the suggestions made, I’d be as loud as you can be when you get in at 4:30

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/03/2022 23:49

You know, he could probably arrange it so he can have a break at some point in the afternoon when his child comes home so he can have ten minutes playing which might placate a small child until daddy finishes properly an hour or so later.

Pumpkintopf · 03/03/2022 23:49

YANBU and this is your husband's problem to solve, not yours.

Whitefire · 03/03/2022 23:51

Some people on this thread seem to be determined not to see OP's quite reasonable frustrations

That is because the OP is not a special man, see the special man earns lots and lots of money in his very important job. Whilst doing this very important job everyone else has to make sure that his needs are put above everyone else's. As he is earning lots and lots of money in this very important job everyone else needs to be very grateful for the food and heat he thus provides. So grateful in fact that no one else should be in the house and if they are they should remain silent. The wife of the very important man with his very important job earning lots and lots of money needs to learn to be more grateful and also be a better parent, one can't be seeing the children let alone hearing them.

GoldenOmber · 03/03/2022 23:52

YANBU. He is, for plonking himself down in the middle of the living space and seemingly not making the barest of efforts around the other people who live in the house.

Just stop tiptoeing and toddler-shushing round him. Either he wants quiet, in which case he can go somewhere quiet, or he doesn’t care in which case result, everybody’s happy.

Whitefire · 03/03/2022 23:55

Not a hungry one. But OP is indignant at the idea she should have to make dinner, and is also incapable with a "toddler hanging off her".

I think you are just trolling the OP now. The DH is in the same area of the kitchen, there is no door, so if the OP has to cook then the DH is there, which means the toddler is too.

Escargooooooo · 03/03/2022 23:57

They work the same hours.

No they don't. He works an hour longer than her each day.

But. He also doesn't start until 9 (til 6). Whereas she starts at 8 (til 4).

The nursery is ten minutes away. And he goes 7.30 to 4.30. So actually, as OP says it's a ten minute drive, she gets in at 4.40 earliest. That's 10 minutes of the 90 gone.

Why doesn't DH who starts later, take him to start at 8.30? As the big objection to him staying an extra hour is that she doesn't want him there any longer than the hours he already does. Then he can do the same hours, 8.30 to 5.30. She's not had to do the pick up on the way home, so gets home 4.30 latest, has 50 minutes of "me time" before she needs to head out to get him, then by the time she gets home with him at 5.40pm, she's only got 20 minutes to look after him on her own.

I imagine she'll have every reason why this is simply impossible for her as well...

Isaidnomorecrisps · 03/03/2022 23:58

So sorry haven’t read all posts / I can’t imagine this. The two just don’t mix so it’s an impossible situation. I guess the point is that you’ll never get DS to be quiet and it’s not reasonable for you to “take him out” for 90 minutes.
So your DH needs to provide a solution. Seriously. No calls for that time. Work in a different room. Pee out the window. Financial penalty for key in door. He’s being a bit precious.
Or he can find you another home (yes very MN there) …..joke

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