Page 17 | To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

Positivelyperfect · 2022-03-03T17:28:16+00:00

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums. DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 22:18

I think what you need to focus on more, is that a 1yr olds response to everything should not be shouting and crying. Because according to this, he shouts and cries in a play pen, he shouts and cries at baby gates, he shouts and cries if he's put in his high chair. You need to address this.

Lots of 1 year olds do this because they don't want to be restrained, especially when they're tired after a day at nursery and hungry.

Original poster

Positivelyperfect · 03/03/2022 22:18

Unfortunately he won’t @bellac11 - it’s definitely me who has the shitty end of the stick, not him!

OP posts:

busyeatingbiscuits · 03/03/2022 22:21

@Positivelyperfect

Unfortunately he won’t *@bellac11* - it’s definitely me who has the shitty end of the stick, not him!

That kind of seems ok then? If your ds wants to be with daddy and your dh would still happily work in the middle of the home with your ds there despite interruptions? You don’t have to keep him quiet or away.

Escargooooooo · 03/03/2022 22:21

@5zeds

Dh starts work earlier or takes a shorter lunch so he’s done by 5:30.

You come home at 4:30 as usual, dh comes out of his office and says hello to the toddler, admires his day and give him (or both of you a cuddle).

Dh then tells the toddler he has more work to do but he will see him after his Bath.

Dh goes back to work, you run a bath and let the boy play in it, (while you MN with a cup of tea).

You then take dc with you to the kitchen where he crunches rice cake/carrot/apple/whatever while you start cooking or pour a glass of wine.

Dh appears and you all make food then one of you put the tiddler to bed while the other clears up.

All will be well.

It really is this simple. You're both making this hard work.

And if your son is that difficult to placate by one parent, for 90 minutes, can't sit in a chair (not for the whole time )or a playpen, or do anything just because he can hear the other parent in another room, then genuinely have a look at separation anxiety.

PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 22:23

@Positivelyperfect

Unfortunately he won’t *@bellac11* - it’s definitely me who has the shitty end of the stick, not him!

Then just let him moan about the noise, and carry on.

And any time he complains just say "yeah, toddler's are noisy. The office would be quiet, though, if that's what you need." And don't engage further.

Just stop letting yourself feel this your problem to solve!

MichaelAndEagle · 03/03/2022 22:23

You don’t have to keep him quiet or away

This. Stop trying. Just get on with things as you would if he wasn't there.

Original poster

Positivelyperfect · 03/03/2022 22:24

DS is a perfectly normal, perfectly lovely one year old. Of course he has his moments, but they are moments and not prolonged tantrums or screaming. However, the end of the day tends to be when he’s most tired and crabby and seemingly unlike most other one year olds a ninety minute bath isn’t the answer!

It isn’t constant but what will typically happen is we will come in - and something else I didn’t mention is that a good fifty percent of the time DH will leave his key in the door so has to come and let us in, so then DS sees DH and wants to go to daddy … and cries.

And repeat this when DH comes through to use the toilet, or is on a loud phone call …

And I can’t use the kitchen because it just upsets DS when he sees his dad.

So it is pretty difficult. Do I manage it - yes, and I do a good job. Sometimes we go out, weather permitting, sometimes we read, play with toys, watch a small amount of TV. But it is interspersed with tears and attempts to get to DH. It’s normal. I know it’s normal because well, I know plenty of babies this age. Maybe there are some super-babies who come in and hang their coats up and sit watching In The Night Garden in silence before their bath but I don’t have one of those and I’m actually OK with the one I’ve got.

OP posts:

busyeatingbiscuits · 03/03/2022 22:24

All 13 month olds have separation anxiety, it’s a normal developmental stage

Merryoldgoat · 03/03/2022 22:24

OP - you, I’m my opinion, are not at all unreasonable.

But what will do? Because your DH sounds like a twat concerning this.

My DH is just starting to go back to the office after two years of wfh. We have two autistic children.

On my off days (I’m PT) I have play dates, kids have freedom to have fun, I have friends in for coffee, he sometimes stops to do school run or come for a chat.

We talked about how to make it work properly, what was reasonable for both of us and made some changes.

It’s not always easy; his boss has seen me in my nightie because I forgot to get my clothes, we’ve had some renovations done which were very disruptive, Both children have made untimely appearances on Teams calls for both of us, but we both did what we could to make it easy for everyone.

You DH is performing with his booming voice and working in an open area - he’s effectively pissing all over the house to make his territory and it’s time for a standoff.

Because your only options are:

Do as he wants and go out every afternoon

Tell him you won’t and he deals with the interruptions or works elsewhere

Escargooooooo · 03/03/2022 22:25

@Positivelyperfect

you need to parent your child

Absolutely, so sitting him in the high chair with CBeebies is a bit shit, isn’t it? So glad we agree.

How many times do you need this explaining that if someone says watch TV , or have a bath, that it's not for the whole hour and a half? You are being deliberately obtuse. You put him in it. You take him out. That's 15 minutes where you might not have a child who is apparently unable to do anything bar screaming and crying the whole time.

MichaelAndEagle · 03/03/2022 22:26

@Positivelyperfect

DS is a perfectly normal, perfectly lovely one year old. Of course he has his moments, but they are moments and not prolonged tantrums or screaming. However, the end of the day tends to be when he’s most tired and crabby and seemingly unlike most other one year olds a ninety minute bath isn’t the answer!

It isn’t constant but what will typically happen is we will come in - and something else I didn’t mention is that a good fifty percent of the time DH will leave his key in the door so has to come and let us in, so then DS sees DH and wants to go to daddy … and cries.

And repeat this when DH comes through to use the toilet, or is on a loud phone call …

And I can’t use the kitchen because it just upsets DS when he sees his dad.

So it is pretty difficult. Do I manage it - yes, and I do a good job. Sometimes we go out, weather permitting, sometimes we read, play with toys, watch a small amount of TV. But it is interspersed with tears and attempts to get to DH. It’s normal. I know it’s normal because well, I know plenty of babies this age. Maybe there are some super-babies who come in and hang their coats up and sit watching In The Night Garden in silence before their bath but I don’t have one of those and I’m actually OK with the one I’ve got.

Let DS go to see daddy.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2022 22:28

@Positivelyperfect

Get DH a pair of good quality noise cancelling headphones or earbuds and tell him to stick them (in his ears). It won't stop DS from wanting to get to Daddy, but at least Daddy won't be bitching about it. I recently got AirPodsPro and the noise cancellation is pretty epic. DS2 has a pair of actual 'full' headphones and he wouldn't hear the Kingdom coming if it broke down his door.

As far as putting your DS in nursery for another hour, if your DH suggests this I'd tell him fine, but HE will be the one go to get him. Trust me, he won't suggest it again.

Can your DH move his start time an hour earlier? That would solve at least some of the 'problem time'.

As far as I would be concerned there would be no 'full on' dinner prep going on in an area that is open to where DH is WFH, but I'd still put up a baby gate for 'in and out' prep. I'd figure a way to feed DS (and myself) when I got home with minimal kitchen time and leave DH to shift for himself. Eating whilst DH is still WFH will distract DS and hopefully keep him occupied at least for a bit.

Escargooooooo · 03/03/2022 22:28

Christing Christ, there you are again, "lol people think 90 minute baths are the answer"

If you can't even read what people are writing. Things that will help, despite continual refusal to even consider them. Repeatedly.

Carry on, no wonder it's all going so swimmingly.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/03/2022 22:28

Can DH apply to vary his hours to work 7-4 etc. Even without son situation not being able to use kitchen when you get in from work isn’t workable.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/03/2022 22:28

Just come home and pretend that he's not there. If he gets cross then tell him he has to go back to the office.

Basically it sounds like he's not going to do anything different. So either you stay grumpy. Or you just carry on with whatever you want to do. Put on loud children friendly music to drown out his voice

PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 22:29

OP my DC1 used to come home from nursery at 6pm and he'd lie on the floor of the kitchen screaming while I desperately tried to quickly make something for dinner. Every night. For about 6 months, there was nothing I could do. Because he was hungry and knackered and didn't have the words or understanding to be rational.

It's my most prevailing memory of his first year.

All these people who think it's just a case of placating him with a toy!

(He grew out of it before 2, he's now lovely and very reasonable. And DC2 never did this because they had DC1 to play with)

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2022 22:29

Per the poster above me; is there any way that DH could take a 5-10 minute break when DS gets home and give him some attention? Maybe DS will be able to settle down a little afterwards.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/03/2022 22:31

Also agree that child is probably hungry. Children are always starving after nursery. So maybe just get on with feeding the young child.

Hawkins001 · 03/03/2022 22:32

@Positivelyperfect

It might be good if we could end the thread tbh as I think if I see another five paragraph post advising me on how I should plan my week I might scream which I know is horribly rude but I really am not an idiot and I am quite capable of working this out for myself!

to be fair from what I've read so far, why ask for advice ?

bellac11 · 03/03/2022 22:33

@Positivelyperfect

DS is a perfectly normal, perfectly lovely one year old. Of course he has his moments, but they are moments and not prolonged tantrums or screaming. However, the end of the day tends to be when he’s most tired and crabby and seemingly unlike most other one year olds a ninety minute bath isn’t the answer!

It isn’t constant but what will typically happen is we will come in - and something else I didn’t mention is that a good fifty percent of the time DH will leave his key in the door so has to come and let us in, so then DS sees DH and wants to go to daddy … and cries.

And repeat this when DH comes through to use the toilet, or is on a loud phone call …

And I can’t use the kitchen because it just upsets DS when he sees his dad.

So it is pretty difficult. Do I manage it - yes, and I do a good job. Sometimes we go out, weather permitting, sometimes we read, play with toys, watch a small amount of TV. But it is interspersed with tears and attempts to get to DH. It’s normal. I know it’s normal because well, I know plenty of babies this age. Maybe there are some super-babies who come in and hang their coats up and sit watching In The Night Garden in silence before their bath but I don’t have one of those and I’m actually OK with the one I’ve got.

Just so that I understand, your problem (as it were) is that you dont want your son to keep getting 'upset'?

Or is it that your husband wants you to keep your son quiet?

(and by the way you referred earlier again to a 90 minute bath, no one has suggested that)

NoWordForFluffy · 03/03/2022 22:33

Did you post when you were on mat leave about not feeling like you could have friends round because of your DH being at home and you couldn't use the blinds in the living room?

Whether you are or aren't, your DH needs to work in a bedroom, and you will have to stop your toddler trying to get to him when he's working in a bedroom. It can be done (I WFH with a 1 year old and 2 year old at home when the kids were little ; they didn't try to bother me).

Wootothewho · 03/03/2022 22:34

God you have had a hard time on this post, I don’t knows what’s happened to mumsnet recently it feels like the vipers have all gone a bit nuts!

You both work full time, your husband might choose to work from home but it is still first and foremost you and your child’s home not his workplace. If he can’t handle home noise maybe he should work from the office rather than work from home!

TheKeatingFive · 03/03/2022 22:34

If you can't even read what people are writing

You're not really engaging with your 'suggestions' though, are you?

It's a time of the day where everyone is tired and the OP has to prep dinner. It's not a time where, with the best will in the world, its practical to be both limited in your activities and fully hands on for 90 minutes.

The OP has more than enough on her plate without indulging her entitled husband.

Hawkins001 · 03/03/2022 22:34

@Positivelyperfect

I don’t really want advice. I was simply wondering what the consensus was re being unreasonable or not and it is that I am not being unreasonable, but a minority of very vocal and unpleasant posters have made me feel pretty shit, as if my only purpose in life is to be silent so my husband can do the important things, and I am now wondering if he sees me in a similar light.

Just read this one, I understand your perspectives and frustrations, mumsnet can be quite of a mix when wanting perspectives. It's a pitty your dh, couldn't use a garden office.

stuntbubbles · 03/03/2022 22:35

It isn’t constant but what will typically happen is we will come in - and something else I didn’t mention is that a good fifty percent of the time DH will leave his key in the door so has to come and let us in, so then DS sees DH and wants to go to daddy … and cries.
More and more your DH is sounding like a total ARSE. He won’t go to the office. He won’t modulate his voice on the phone. He won’t go to a bedroom. He can’t even get his key out of the door so he ends up essentially doing a “tada! Here I am! No I can’t play” that winds up a tired toddler. He can’t hold a wee for 90 mins before the end of his workday, or doesn’t have the nous to wee before the toddler gets home so he has to pop out and go to the bathroom and announce his presence.

No one is that stupid. I’d say he’s deliberately making it difficult so you’ll take the toddler out daily and he gets to WFH and not change a thing, vs the easier solution of going to the office or changing his hours. He wants you to adjust and have your life be more difficult, and his remain exactly the same.