To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

Some of these comments are mind blowing. I wfh permanently. I am also the main wage earner in our household. If the kids get home before my finishing time they come in and say hello, have a cuddle and a kiss, and then they go downstairs with their daddy. They are 2 and 4, and they understand that now, but it's taken a while. I work in my own office away from the communal bits of the house, and if I need to I use headphones. I would never expect to be able to work in a room which blocks access to the kitchen, or for the kids to be quiet while I work. That's unreasonable and unfair on them and their dad.

Aaaargh! OP, that sounds really shitty. I get that your husband shouldn't be interrupted but as you have said that your toddler is more on the baby side of toddler age, you can't really explain this to him. You have no separate upstairs or garden. And no, I would not have wanted to take my child out every day after finishing work either.

I can't think of a good daily solution if your husband won't or can't work elsewhere. Can he start earlier in the day and then have just half an hour with you and your toddler there?

It can't be that small of a flat if it has two reception rooms. The op states he sits in a through room leading to the kitchen, not the living room. And she hasn't said her and ds are relegated to the bedrooms.

Couldn't you play with your ds in the bedroom op, so he's further away?

And as for all the dh should go back to the office, I can only imagine what would be said about a dh that couldn't keep the dc occupied while the dw was trying to work!

@Positivelyperfect

OK so genuinely what do you suggest I do?

Honestly? And forgive me for being blunt, you need to actually do some parenting.

It shouldn't take more than two or three days to get them into a routine where the understand that DHs area is out of bounds for an hour or so after school.

Perhaps DH can make a point of doing an activity with him at 6pm (reading, craft, whatever)

I'd do bath time when we get in, and tell dh you won't be quieting him after then. Could dh finish any earlier to tie in your finishing times?

Couldn't you play with your ds in the bedroom op, so he's further away?

But why should she? It's a home not an office. If you're going to work from home you do so in that full understanding. Why is it okay to make DS and the OP's life harder?

I can only imagine what would be said about a dh that couldn't keep the dc occupied while the dw was trying to work!

If she was working in the middle of the house and expecting everyone to tiptoe around her (with a perfectly functioning office to go to) she'd get exactly the same response.

Christ, some of these posts are nuts.

No, the OP shouldn't have to sit in her car for an hour after working so that her dh can have quiet at home, where he "prefers" to work.

No, she shouldn't have to go swimming after work in order to avoid going back home, where she lives, with her child, who she presumably wants to see when she's finished work, so that again, her dh can have that quiet 1.5 hours without being disturbed.

No, she shouldn't have to come home from work, leaving her child in nursery for an extra hour, prepare dinner, then race out again to collect her dc from nursery, just to give her dh that 1.5 hours.

Sometimes, working from home DOES NOT bring benefits to families if the majority of the family are expected to tiptoe around in silence while one person gets to avoid a commute and wear their pj bottoms all day.

DH needs to weigh up whether he does prefer to wfh given he'll be disturbed in the last 1.5 hours.

He's the one complaining, he's the one who needs to sort it out.
By working from the office, working from a different space in the house, planning his work differently so he can do quiet admin tasks to avoid the child hearing him, taking a short break to see the child when they get home before finishing work off later.
Or some combination of the above.
OP has said she's happy to be out some of the time, just not 5 days. That is not at all unreasonable!

You have my sympathy OP. We are the opposite way round here. I was and DH is a SAHD. 5 year old is at school til 3 so not so bad but nearly 2 year old DS is at home all day.

I work in our bedroom (next to DS cot) but have to move out when he goes for a nap. DH hates it as I then have to move into the livingroom and he feels like his home is an office. We have a small 2 bed flat and there is nowhere for anyone to go. DS naturally wants to come in to see me when I'm working and at the end of the day it's his home he should be able to. I would love to go back to the office but my employer has decided we are wfh permanently. It is not good for our family and I hate it.

You shouldn't have to go out or keep the toddler quiet just because someone is working from home. If your DH doesn't like it he goes into the office if his employer allows or socks it up the way I have to.

I wfh not I was!

Sorry, but completely agree with the "blunt" poster above.

You have an excuse for everything, "I can't put the TV on....there's no rooms where you can't hear DH..."

Parent your child.

You seem irate that you have to put effort in (whether it's at work or looking after your child) for the same hours as your DH puts in.

I would simply have the child in childcare for longer, you have an hour to yourself at the end of the day to relax, do some bits around the house... collect child at 5/5:30 and then by the time you're home it's almost time for your husband to finish work!

WFH with a toddler is not a fun experience for any party involved!

The OP should be able to "parent her child" as she normally would when her DH is not using their home as an office. DH is making the parenting job more difficult by choosing to wfh, then complaining. Why is that OK?

I am aghast at some of these responses. I’m with @Schoolchoicesucks and @Lilac57

OP, your husband is being completely unreasonable working in a communal space and expecting total silence from the household. It’s also unreasonable expecting you to take the toddler out five days a week at tea time.

As others have suggested, maybe you can go out once a week but as you also work full time it’s understandable you might want to come home.

@ProfFloss

I don’t mean this unkindly but you have a pretty bad attitude about it. I guess your husband is the main wage earner so he should be left to work in peace. Or perhaps you are the wage earner and could go back to work so he looks after your child? Either way work and childcare don’t mix. If you don’t want to take child out find other ways to entertain him.

Why do you think he’s the main wage earner? OP has says she works full time already. She doesn’t need to go back to work, she’s already back at work. DS is in nursery five days a week, why would you suggest either of them give up their jobs? How would that help this situation?

Never heard such sexist misogynistic shite.

parent your child

I think I do and I think I do as good a job as many, and better than some.

Toddlers tend to be limited in their understanding. You can’t, as much as you might like to, explain that daddy is here-but-not-here, and expect them to understand. You can’t expect to go through to the kitchen and for DS to see his dad and not to want to go to him. It just doesn’t really work like that.

it can’t be that small of a flat

I didn’t say that it was, but the layout does mean there isn’t anywhere anyone can work without being heard. Plus, yes DH could go into the bedroom … he could go into the office … but he doesn’t, which is telling in that he sees the home as his workplace now, I think, and I don’t know how healthy that is.

@Kindfulness

I would simply have the child in childcare for longer, you have an hour to yourself at the end of the day to relax, do some bits around the house... collect child at 5/5:30 and then by the time you're home it's almost time for your husband to finish work!

WFH with a toddler is not a fun experience for any party involved!

Why would you prioritise your adult DH's preferences over your 1 year old being tired and wanting to see his mum

A long day in nursery is tough for a small child, especially having to be one of the last to be picked up at the end of the day while staff are busy packing up and cleaning. So much nicer to be picked up after tea and go home.

I'd try to have a bit more empathy with the baby who has no choices in the situation that the grown man who wants everything his own way.

@Kindfulness

I would simply have the child in childcare for longer, you have an hour to yourself at the end of the day to relax, do some bits around the house... collect child at 5/5:30 and then by the time you're home it's almost time for your husband to finish work!

WFH with a toddler is not a fun experience for any party involved!

I would argue this is far from simple...

Toddler has an extra 5 hours of nursery per week
Mum gets home at 4:30pm so presuming a 30 minute commute (picks him up at 4pm) - so she would have to leave the house again to pick him up at 5pm to get home for 6pm.
She would have 30 minutes at home which would be far from relaxing when you know you've got to go out again.
Factor in the extra cost for petrol (Which is far from cheap atm) and the extra hour per day for nursery.

Some of these replies reek of sexism, I would expect better in 2022. DH has the option to work in a calm, quiet environment - the office. So he should do that. WFH shouldn't be to the detriment of other members of the household.

ALSO - who knows what time the OP starts work. Has anyone even considered that she might be rushing around in a morning getting DS to childcare for 7/8am so that she get to work while her DH might have a leisurely morning where he starts WFH at 10am? Or is it just expected that big man do job work harder than woman?

i would simply have the child in childcare for longer, you have an hour to yourself at the end of the day to relax, do some bits around the house... collect child at 5/5:30 and then by the time you're home it's almost time for your husband to finish work!

Aside from the obvious point that the real loser in this scenario is a extremely young child who is spending 730-530 5 days a week in childcare, none of those things apply. I would leave work at 4, return at 430 and because of peak traffic have approximately fifteen minutes “relaxing” before having to go out again, get DS and then drive through peak traffic so what should be a ten minute journey is probably closer to thirty.

@Lilac57

The OP should be able to "parent her child" as she normally would when her DH is not using their home as an office. DH is making the parenting job more difficult by choosing to wfh, then complaining. Why is that OK?

Because it's 90 minutes, the kid is 1 and it's not rocket science for a mother to control her child. The guy is working for the benefit of the family, including OP, not just watching TV.

The obvious thing is DH goes in a separate room and not in the accessible from everywhere throughway. No, no OP can't possibly consider that, the 1yr old will just keep trying to get in. Er, yes....and? Does OP just stand there helpless "whatever shall I do, this is impossible?" (Or simply a bit more effort than just being able to sit down with a cuppa)

Sit with him and watch TV? No, OP can't possibly do that either.

It's evidently not a possibility in her eyes that she can control her 1yr old for 90 minutes. It frankly, should be.

control her child

He’s a toddler trying to go into a room in his own home, not one of Fagin’s gang members

I WFH and have done for many years (before the pandemic). Speaking from personal experience of having 2 children who desperately want to see me if they know I'm there -

Your husband needs to work from the bedroom so you've got access to the three rooms (if I've understood your layout) - living room, through room, kitchen.

He needs to move to the bedroom before you get home, use the bathroom, get a drink etc before you get home, so he doesn't have to leave the bedoom for the 90 mins he's working whilst you're home.
Ideally he shouldn't schedule any meetings in that time. If he has to, he really needs to learn to speak without a booming voice - he should get headphones with a microphone by his mouth so he can speak quietly. I would also advise you having background music on to help drown him out.
Ultimately he needs to accept that your child could distract him. If your child realises he's there and desperately wants to see him, then I've found it best just to let the child in to see the working parent to have a cuddle. The working parent then becomes pretty tedious whilst the non working parent has something very exciting like a SNACK or a TOY in the other room. This normally works but obviosuly not every time. On the days it doesn't then I'd say your husband needs to accept if he chooses to work from home he will sometimes be distracted and will have to make up the hours when your son is in bed.

Ultimately your husband has the option to go into the office so if he is finding things too distracting he can do that.

Oh god, the thought of wrangling a 1 year old at the end of a long day, 5 days a week brings me out in hives.

Yes, if you have to do it, then it can be done, but to do it so a partner can work from home uninterrupted for the last past of the day, every day, would, dependant on the job, really, really piss me off.

If your husband is a psychiatrist taking virtual sessions that can't be changed, fair enough.

If he's a project manager or desk based and can manage his schedule so he's not on Teams or Zoom after 4.30pm most days, then he bloody should.

@Positivelyperfect

parent your child

I think I do and I think I do as good a job as many, and better than some.

Toddlers tend to be limited in their understanding. You can’t, as much as you might like to, explain that daddy is here-but-not-here, and expect them to understand. You can’t expect to go through to the kitchen and for DS to see his dad and not to want to go to him. It just doesn’t really work like that.

it can’t be that small of a flat

I didn’t say that it was, but the layout does mean there isn’t anywhere anyone can work without being heard. Plus, yes DH could go into the bedroom … he could go into the office … but he doesn’t, which is telling in that he sees the home as his workplace now, I think, and I don’t know how healthy that is.

Him seeing the home as his workplace is fine. It's a perfectly reasonable thing. The problem is his attitude. However happy he is wfh and however beneficial it is for him, he doesn't get to decide that outweighs everything else and opt out of any attempts to make it work.

@Positivelyperfect

OK so genuinely what do you suggest I do?

Play with him? Entertain him? Read? Get him to help you with the kitchen or something.

Assume you're not working that 90mins, if you're I think trying to wfh then that's the problem but really should be keeping toddler away! I would be cross if DH was minding and let him keep coming and hassling me while I worked

So how are you going to approach resolving this OP?
Most people agree with you, you're not BU.
Do you think DH can be convinced to go back to the office at least some days?