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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exceptions for Ukraine refugees

410 replies

myear · 03/03/2022 00:24

I would genuinely be happy if someone can explain to me how IABU so I can feel less upset!

I am pleased for the Ukrainians that the EU is making exceptions for them so that anyone can come in, can get jobs straight away, no need for a visa for 3 years etc, but AIBU to feel bitter about my own treatment as an asylum seeker many many years ago? I can’t help but wonder why these exceptions are made for people fleeing the Ukraine, but not for people who fled my country to survive ethnic cleansing and what the UN found was war crimes against my people.

We had to lie to get a visa to Europe, lie to then get into the country when we were taken away for questioning at the border, apply for asylum 6 times as it kept being rejected, and only got approved on the basis that we had stayed too long to be kicked out, couldn’t work for a long time, and no exceptions were made to reduce bureaucratic hurdles. To be blunt, I question whether exceptions are being made for the Ukrainian refugees because they are white and people from my country are black.

My white DH, who is from the European country that took me in, is upset that the UK is not waiving visa requirements for Ukrainians and only allowing those with family in, rather than anyone seeking refuge. But, he doesn’t really see a problem with how I was treated by his country either, for reasons such as:

  1. We fled a civil war whereas Ukraine is being attacked by another country. Countries need to deal with their own problems (but incidentally thinks it was right to intervene in NI / ROI - again white).
  1. It’s not his country’s duty to help my country as they didn’t cause the war (but neither did his country cause the Ukraine war yet they are making exceptions for them).
  1. Ukraine is geographically closer, although not a direct neighbour (so?)
  1. Why am I not upset at the people who caused war in my country (but how is that relevant to the differing treatment I’m now seeing?)
  1. Why am I not upset at neighbouring countries, they didn’t help either (again, how is that relevant?)
  1. No exceptions were made for Kosovo, Bosnia etc so the Ukraine exceptions are not based on race (can't argue against that!)

I am very grateful that we were able to find safety in Europe and have a great life, but this seems to be upsetting me more than I can rationally explain.

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 04/03/2022 20:54

And think other can’t see through them

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 04/03/2022 20:55

Yes, I would have.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 04/03/2022 20:56

Why does it matter to you though?

You have made your choice.

Suzi888 · 04/03/2022 21:03

YANBU

It’s funny how some posts get to stay ‘on’ even though they breach the rules, because you know, white people are suffering.

Suzi888 · 04/03/2022 21:04

If your life is on the line, your children could die, you are going to lie.
Anyone who says otherwise is quite frankly full of shit.

Original poster
myear · 04/03/2022 21:07

@ChardonnaysPetDragon that's fascinating. I have never met anyone who values telling truth over saving human life, even when it comes to their own life and that of their children, so I think it's fair to say we are going to see these issues differently!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/03/2022 21:08

What if you are in the position of being the Judged, as opposed to them wot does the judging?

I know it's hard to fathom, but sometimes shit happens to us. And what goes around, comes around. . .

EeeICouldRipATissue · 04/03/2022 21:08

If your life is on the line, your children could die, you are going to lie.
Anyone who says otherwise is quite frankly full of shit.

Exactiy, I've two and you'd do absolutely anything to keep you all safe.

Onionpatch · 04/03/2022 21:09

I think if i was facing death or could lie and not die, i would just deal with chardonnays disapproval and lie anyway.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 04/03/2022 21:11

This is not about your lying OP, it's also about your complaining that other people get to save their lives and the lives of their children.

Greenmarmalade · 04/03/2022 21:11

YANBU at all.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 04/03/2022 21:12

Sorry, "not only about"

EeeICouldRipATissue · 04/03/2022 21:18

it's also about your complaining that other people get to save their lives and the lives of their children
The OP hasn't done that though.
Talk about reading into things what you want to see!
Why should she not bring up the inequalities?!
It IS unfair.
That doesn't mean she's complaining that others are safe, FFS.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/03/2022 21:18

I suspect ChardonnaysDragon and posters who share similar views know exactly what the OP is saying but choose to be intentionally dense. Because the very goal of these types of people and I'm using that term VERY loosely is to keep you justifying your humanity to them, to exhaust you of your very will to live, to exhaust you of your energy so you have nothing left. This group of people also believe that immigrants and refugees should spend their entire existence grateful and meek. It's a very well worn trope.

ToiletHelp · 04/03/2022 21:21

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

This is not about your lying OP, it's also about your complaining that other people get to save their lives and the lives of their children.
That is not what OP is doing at all, and it is disingenuous to even suggest that.
ToiletHelp · 04/03/2022 21:26

@VladmirsPoutine

I suspect ChardonnaysDragon and posters who share similar views know exactly what the OP is saying but choose to be intentionally dense. Because the very goal of these types of people and I'm using that term VERY loosely is to keep you justifying your humanity to them, to exhaust you of your very will to live, to exhaust you of your energy so you have nothing left. This group of people also believe that immigrants and refugees should spend their entire existence grateful and meek. It's a very well worn trope.
I agree. It’s more convenient to focus on one certain point to discredit OP, than to listen and learn from her experience.
ChardonnaysPetDragon · 04/03/2022 21:27

Sorry to disappoint Vladimir, I'm an immigrant myself.

But you do carry on with your assumptions.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/03/2022 21:30

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Sorry to disappoint Vladimir, I'm an immigrant myself.

But you do carry on with your assumptions.

Me too. So is Priti Patel Smile
Original poster
myear · 04/03/2022 21:30

@ChardonnaysPetDragon I have literally said that I am offering my home to Ukrainian colleagues?? How do you read into that that I'm complaining about other people saving their lives? Even my original post said "AIBU to feel bitter about my own treatment as an asylum seeker many many years ago?"

I really hope that this thread doesn't get deleted, and genuinely @ChardonnaysPetDragon, I want to thank you for your contributions. Your responses have brought out so many kind, compassionate and understanding posters, and that really warms my heart Smile

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 04/03/2022 21:45

Not read all 13 pages so sorry if I repeat anything.

I'm sorry you have had to go through all you have - I would lie my head off to save my kids in a heartbeat. I can only imagine what it's like to be fleeing for your life. I'm glad you have managed to build a life here.

I have questioned why this war is different to the many others. I think that this has triggered something in a lot of people. It reminds us of WW2, the cold war and fear we had of Russia and it's nukes. I lay awake in the 80s as a teen expecting a bomb to drop at anytime. Rational or not it's awakened that fear that I thought I had dealt with and I'm trying to desperately think of ways to feel in control by helping people. We do give to DEC when disasters happen and feel sick and helpless about those suffering in many parts of the world, but to some extent you have to detach or you wouldn't function. It's very difficult to detach from this.

I hope you can make peace with this. Yes you were treated unfairly and I hope we have learnt lessons. Your feelings are valid.

Annoyedtoomuch · 04/03/2022 21:47

YANBU. I think it shows the inherent racism in our society sadly. Sad

I’m glad you found your way to safety and I hope you continue to enjoy that safety. It’s clearly a lot more fragile than we assume.

Mickarooni · 04/03/2022 22:00

@VladmirsPoutine

Curious really.... AirBnB is suspending operations in Russia but still operates in west bank and Sainsbury's is changing their Chicken Kiev to Chicken Kyiv but apparently when it comes israeli products "customers know best."
Perhaps UK Jews would still like access to their cultural and religious food produce without being made responsible for the actions of the government of a country to which they have no affiliation.
SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 04/03/2022 22:03

I'm so sorry to read what you had to go through.

I don't know if this will help you feel better, but if I were you I would attribute all the help and sympathy for Ukrainians (and rightfully so) to Europeans helping out other Europeans in the time of their need.
I would be questioning why this doesn't happen in the continent of Africa or Asia or elsewhere. People of neighbouring nations must help when a rogue nation goes on rampage.

RoastedFerret · 04/03/2022 22:12

@Annoyedtoomuch

YANBU. I think it shows the inherent racism in our society sadly. Sad

I’m glad you found your way to safety and I hope you continue to enjoy that safety. It’s clearly a lot more fragile than we assume.

Do you understand how the EU works though? We are a club that looks out for each other. That is what we signed up to do. Do we tell Poland to turn away their friends and neighbours at the border? Of course we don't. Poland are in our club, we look out for Poland. So millions of people are heading in Polands direction. Does Poland have space for these millions of people? Of course not so the club steps in. Does the club have the facilities to deal with millions of asylum claims that come in the space of 2 weeks? No of course not. How can you solve it? Waive it. Temporary visas so when it is safe to do so Ukranians can go back home thus easing pressure on the club eventually. Can we pay for millions of people who have suddenly arrived? Nope. How can solve that? Let them work to help pay for it.

It is a completely different situation that directly involves one of the EUs countries(Poland).

It is a shame that the OPs country of origins neighbours wanted nothing to do with them. It is a shame that there was no club that bands together to help out their fellow club members beside the OPs country of origin. That isn't the EUs fault though.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/03/2022 22:19

What reading these threads as of late has revealed to me is the extent to which people really have zero grasp of history and by this I mean even recent history - events that everyone posting on these boards will be old enough to know about or even lived through. Like none whatsoever. And even within the historical knowledge that some purport to have / share it's evident how skewed it is.