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Original poster

People who tuck in before everyone is served - rude?

265 replies

SarahAndQuack · 02/03/2022 22:33

Say you have family/friends over and you are cooking a meal for, say, 8 or 10 people - enough that it takes a bit of time to get on the table. Either you dish it up on plates and pass them out, or you serve everyone at table - you do guests first, of course. Guests tuck in straight away, while everyone else is still being served.

Is that rude?

I was brought up to think you wait for everyone to be served, if it's a sit-down meal.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 03/03/2022 09:59

I agree (reluctantly) it is polite to wait until all are served. But I always suffered cold food under this policy! MIL was formal, and when all 18 of the extended family were gathered for a meal, I (as eldest female in law) was always served first. By the time she reached the 18th plate, mine had congealed… sigh.

Nutsohazelnuts · 03/03/2022 09:59

It’s rude. My 3 year old knows this. (My BIL, however, does not.)

SoftPillow · 03/03/2022 10:19

It's rude to start before everyone is seated and served, unless they tell you to start.

My kids know to wait for the host, when she/he starts, they start. If it's a couple hosting you wait for the lady. My kids call it 'waiting for head lady'.

rainbowmash · 03/03/2022 10:21

Rude to start eating until everyone is served and settled, unless it's super relaxed AND the host explicitly gives the go-ahead. Another exception would be at a large catered dinner with a lot of people (like at a large wedding) where it can take a long time for everything to reach the table, unless you get the impression that you're waiting for toasts to be done.

It's been the same wherever I've been, and I've never seen it done differently! It's about wanting to make everyone there feel relaxed, included, and not rushed.

Oh, and warm your plates. Anyone who complains about a hot dinner plate doesn't know they're born.

Nutellaonall · 03/03/2022 10:23

It’s a class thing isn’t it?
The upper and working classes tuck in. The middle classes wait.

TeeBee · 03/03/2022 10:25

I think it's very rude. I've taught my children to wait until everyone has their meal before eating. I find it very, very grating.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 03/03/2022 10:27

@sashh

Fair point, I think I'm right about skipping Grace though.

HollowTalk · 03/03/2022 10:29

@Nutellaonall

It’s a class thing isn’t it? The upper and working classes tuck in. The middle classes wait.
There is no way that the upper classes, at a dinner party, would start to eat before the hosts were seated.
2Rebecca · 03/03/2022 10:32

If as many as 8-10 I tell people to start eating. I hate cold food and prefer people eat food at it's best. I wouldn't eat if I hadn't been told it was OK to start but would be unhappy if I had to watch my food get cold because it was put out first and wasn't told it's OK to start if a delay

BoredBoredBoredB · 03/03/2022 10:34

@Babdoc

I agree (reluctantly) it is polite to wait until all are served. But I always suffered cold food under this policy! MIL was formal, and when all 18 of the extended family were gathered for a meal, I (as eldest female in law) was always served first. By the time she reached the 18th plate, mine had congealed… sigh.
I think this does show that the middle-class system just hasn’t been thought through properly.
Newnamefor2022 · 03/03/2022 10:53

I think it is really rude not to wait until everyone is seated.

I'm sure that there was some rule about the king starting eating as soon as he got his food but if you are not feeding a despot, and your dining room does not hold the same numbers as Hampton Court, surely you just wait. It doesn't take that long to put everything on a normal table...

sashh · 03/03/2022 11:09

[quote TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]@sashh

Fair point, I think I'm right about skipping Grace though.[/quote]
Yes I agree with you on that point, unless Grace is the name of an antelope.

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 11:13

Its rude to start before everyone at the table has their meal in front of them.
Unless the host has said, please start, don't wait.

In a restaurant, the same. Rude to start until everyone has their meal, unless the person/people still waiting on their meals suggest to everyone else to go ahead and start.

If in a restaurant one persons meal was taking quite a long time, I also think it would be rude of that person not to suggest to the table to start theirs.

Just common courtesy really. My DP when I met him didn't wait. I thought he was rude. But he hadn't ever been taught this growing up, or it seems noticed as an adult! But then he used to lick his knife too, and also a pet hate of mine, would get up before everyone has finished to start clearing stuff away.
He has much better manners now, thankfully, he just wasn't ever taught this type of etiquette when growing up I guess.

user1496146479 · 03/03/2022 11:14

@SarahAndQuack

Say you have family/friends over and you are cooking a meal for, say, 8 or 10 people - enough that it takes a bit of time to get on the table. Either you dish it up on plates and pass them out, or you serve everyone at table - you do guests first, of course. Guests tuck in straight away, while everyone else is still being served.

Is that rude?

I was brought up to think you wait for everyone to be served, if it's a sit-down meal.

What do you think?

Just this week, heard about a 'rule' that a group bigger than 6, you should start once you get your food! Grin
littlepeas · 03/03/2022 11:16

Incredibly rude. But I don't like plated up food either - I think everyone should serve themselves from the centre of the table and no one should touch any of it until everyone (including the cook/host) is seated. I actually really dislike unnecessary formality, but think this is basic good manners.

Topseyt · 03/03/2022 11:16

Hosts who expect guests to wait while their food goes cold while they (the host) fart about for ages are the rude ones.

My MIL would fart about for ages when she was hosting - tidying up the kitchen, emptying and reloading the dishwasher. She rarely just sat down to eat with her guests. You soon learned to just get on with your food and ignore the faffing.

MrsTimRiggins · 03/03/2022 11:17

Oh I find it so rude, and my husbands family are terrible for it. That being said, if the host says to start, then that’s fine, but it’s when people fall on their plates like they’re starving when only one or two have been served so far!

Pyewhacket · 03/03/2022 11:17

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I'd rather people started eating than potentially ended up with cold food.
Absolutely. Otherwise you just have a queue for the microwave.
caringcarer · 03/03/2022 11:18

I have heated hostess thing that goes on table plugged into electric. Everything is kept really hot and asks guests and family to help themselves. If I am put at a function dinner and it is waiter service I get really annoyed if waiters bring half of table their meals then disappear for for ages before bring the rest of tables meals. Everyone sits around waiting and half the table end up with cold meals.

doingitforyorkshire · 03/03/2022 11:19

I would hate any guest to have to eat a meal gone cold. I want them to enjoy the food at its best, I would be cooking for them to enjoy it so why wouldn't I let them just dig in and enjoy it hot and fresh?
Also, If my meal was the last one to arrive I would feel awful making others wait to the point I would again insist they dig in and enjoy their food.

littlepeas · 03/03/2022 11:23

@Nutellaonall

It’s a class thing isn’t it? The upper and working classes tuck in. The middle classes wait.
Upper class definitely wait!
Sceptre86 · 03/03/2022 11:24

I hate people putting my dinner on a plate for me. They either over or under estimate how much I want to eat. Use serving dishes if you have them and let me serve myself. I would normally wait yo start eating. I don't do this at home though, kids are welcome to eat straight away.

doingitforyorkshire · 03/03/2022 11:26

@Babdoc

I agree (reluctantly) it is polite to wait until all are served. But I always suffered cold food under this policy! MIL was formal, and when all 18 of the extended family were gathered for a meal, I (as eldest female in law) was always served first. By the time she reached the 18th plate, mine had congealed… sigh.
I would hate this to happen if I hosted. A lot of effort for someone to then have to eat congealed cold food and an unhappy, hungry guest too.
MaMaLa321 · 03/03/2022 11:26

It's rude, unless the server specifically asks you to start.
I really don't like serving food out, then sitting down to eat and having some greedy bugger sitting there with an empty plate, waiting for 2nd portions. Plus, the whole point of a meal is to enjoy the food together.

beenaroundtheblox · 03/03/2022 11:27

@FixTheBone

Terrible, I often cook, literally 4 or 5 hours for my inlaws / extended family (usually about 16 people).

I'm sick of cooking it to perfection, timing it so everything comes out simultaneously with hot plates and serving dishes, and sitting down to find I sometimes don't even get a share.

You're not making enough food 😂 No really I agree with you, I always wait but as a host I always try to get guests to start. Takes the pressure off me a bit.