People who tuck in before everyone is served - rude?

[SarahAndQuack]

Say you have family/friends over and you are cooking a meal for, say, 8 or 10 people - enough that it takes a bit of time to get on the table. Either you dish it up on plates and pass them out, or you serve everyone at table - you do guests first, of course. Guests tuck in straight away, while everyone else is still being served.

Is that rude?

I was brought up to think you wait for everyone to be served, if it's a sit-down meal.

What do you think?

In this scenario the host should say, 'please start I don't want it to go cold' and guests should then start.In a smaller family setting or at a formal event wait until everyone is seated and the signal to start is given.

Not moving in those circles, can anyone confirm that the upper classes, who don't wait, just eat everything so quickly that the last to be served has started yet?

I used to work with a duke’s daughter, and ate with her family quite a few times. They definitely waited - but maybe it was a concession to my middle classness? 😉

I was never taught this when young, I feel very uncomfortable when ppl wait more than a minute for my food to arrive before they start, actually. Would so much prefer a relaxed keep chatting & start nibbling by those who have food atmosphere. Terrible if food is going cold, too

can anyone confirm that the upper classes, who don't wait, just eat everything so quickly that the last to be served has started yet?

No, this just doesn’t happen. We wait until everyone is served. And I was taught to ask if I may get down from the table as a child.

As an adult at formal official dinners I’m also used to finishing my meal - or rather leaving it unfinished - when the most senior person has finished. At a formal meal once we had a visiting bishop who didn’t ever eat much pudding ( I think he wanted to get to the port in the withdrawing room) and as he stood, we all had to stand. I still had half of my strawberries and cream left!

Not moving in those circles, can anyone confirm that the upper classes, who don't wait, just eat everything so quickly that the last to be served has started yet?

I have been at quite big dinners with members of royalty. People start eating when their plate is in front of them, and the silver service (or serve yourself) has been past you. You have to because when the Queen (or main guest) stops eating, the plates are cleared away. If you wait, or you're last, you have to go at it hammer and tongs unfortunately. (there are always plenty of waiting staff though so you're not waiting for 40 dinners to be served by one person)

Upper class formal dinners I've been to? same-ish. Upper class informal? have always waited until everyone has been served - or tried to but host has always said "please don't wait". But nobody shovelled food in like they were on a boiler plate feeding coal to a train furnace.

Most people with good manners won't make people who don't adhere to "the rules" feel uncomfortable, they will do the same. Sometimes with a comment to let you know, subtly, that it's wrong so you know for next time.
And i once worked for a firm that took people out to dinner to train them for formal dinners with clients so they didn't do things like chew with their mouths open, shove food in like a cement mixer or speak with their mouths full of food. Some did them all at once it was... ugly.

I couldn't get worked up that. I want people to eat their meal and enjoy.

It's rude.

I'd wait for everyone to be served and seated before I started eating.

If I was serving I'd tell people to start eating while it's hot/being served.

But I tend to serve everything on the table so people can help themselves which I tell them to start doing as I'm still bringing stuff out.

Well, the natural way of things is just to dig in...

You don't see lions all waiting for the rest of the pride to assemble around the zebra carcass before starting,
...and I don't think they bother with Grace either.

In my house it is Just start when every you are ready that way if uncle ted wants to faff around pretending he is a wine connoisseur or a aunty Mable is rooting around in the bottom of her handbag looking for her pills she must really take with food then no one is left gazing at good food going cold. And the trick to it not taking ages for everyone to get their food is to combine foods in serving dishes. So with a roast potatoes, parsnips and carrots in one dish, meat sliced and on a platter with Yorkshire pudding, peas in with the cabbage etc and more than one gravy boat.

Rude to start but also rude to expect guests to wait with a plate of food in front of them going cold while you sort the remainder of the plates.

Probably best just to eat alone.

@99point6

Not moving in those circles, can anyone confirm that the upper classes, who don't wait, just eat everything so quickly that the last to be served has started yet? On the rare occasions I have dined with even upper middle classes the were at pains to ensure everyone was comfortable and slowed down their pace to match the slowest eater. Surely it is about the communal enjoyment of the meal. Therefore in institutions (jail, e.g.) and army manouvers waiting doesn't apply. People then make the link between starting straight away and such situations.

Princess Margaret was known for bolting her food, and nobody was supposed to eat after she’d finished! Presumably when not with other royals.

At home I always urge any guests not to wait, but eat while it’s hot. Applies particularly if it’s a roast and dh is carving - he can be a bit slow.
Veg/sides/gravy are always help yourself, on the table.

As a guest I I hate ‘plating up’, especially after once being given far too much of something I didn’t particularly like. I would never do it for guests at home.

And I don’t see WTF is wrong with ‘tuck in’. A perfectly acceptable expression IMO - MNers do have some funny ideas.

I was brought up that it is rude to start eating before everyone is served unless they do the 'Go on and start, we don't mind' thing.

I think it's rude to tuck in without the go ahead from the host, but I also think it's a bit rude to make everyone wait for ages once the plate is in front of them. It's a two way street.

The ideal scenario is that the host tells everyone not wait, and gives them permission to tuck in straight away. That's what I do when I'm serving a big meal.

They should wait - ideally I would say 'do start' but if you're serving something that has to be done by the host (eg slices of pie or something) it's easy to forget that while you're concentrating. It's more rude to just dig in than it is to forget to say 'do start' I think.

@SarahAndQuack I was brought up with this as well. Guest first then everyone and wait for the last person. Unless I've been told by the person who cooking to tuck in and don't let food go cold.

I think it's a generation possibly culture thing (I'm in my late 30's). I don't think it's in practice now or a bigger deal when I was growing up. Like children asking to the leave the table. Sadly my step sons just up and leave once food is eaten and straight to their phones or PlayStation.

I'm also going to be very Mumsnet and say I hate the phrase 'tuck in'

But otherwise, YANBU op

The 1970s have called and said you need a hostess trolley! Actually I think they’re fab.

Yes OP I agree it’s rude. But ok if the host says “please start”.

I guess it can depend on the meal but typically when my family are all together so 10+ everything's put into serving dishes in the middle of the table & we all plate ourselves up.

I suppose if everyone has to wait then serve yourself first. Someone at my wedding pointed out that the top table got everything first except the champagne. As everyone waits for the toast, you’re better off being served last - the same logic could apply to hot food.
I don’t know people think serving dishes are a solution.

@Lazypuppy

OP why ask when you clearly think you are right?

I think it is rude to make people wait for everyone to have their food, definitely start eating while its hot. However, i always say that to guests when i hand them their plate, or if we are out in a restaurant.i think you've let people start for too long, you should have said something the first time if it bothers you.

YABU

I asked because I wanted to know if other people thought I was right too!

I did say something the first time - I've got a small daughter and I've always said 'DD, wait until everyone's served'. I'm not going to say anything directly to them; they're adults and although it irritates me, IMO it's rude to say anything directly about other people's manners.

I really, really don't think it is about the food being hot in this case, either.

It depends entirely on what you have been taught to do. It's rude to you.Presumably it's not to those doing it.

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

Well, the natural way of things is just to dig in...

You don't see lions all waiting for the rest of the pride to assemble around the zebra carcass before starting,
...and I don't think they bother with Grace either.

That's a really bad example.

Mr Big Daddy head of the pride eats first and the others wait their turn.

Those of you who just dig in wat do you do if there are serving dishes on the table?*

I don’t dig in when there are serving dishes. I do however dig in when I’m at MILs which I learned to do from my DH. MIL plates everything and by time you get it and everyone finally sits down (Love SIL but she faffs a bit and then there’s a question of seating when it really doesn’t matter, 8 adults and three kids at table), vegetables are lukewarm to cold while meat and potatoes are warm-ish. The gravy is usually the hottest thing on the table and not by much. I didn’t know for awhile that Sunday Roasts were meant to be warm until my DH took me to one in a pub.

*hot