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Original poster

People who tuck in before everyone is served - rude?

265 replies

SarahAndQuack · 02/03/2022 22:33

Say you have family/friends over and you are cooking a meal for, say, 8 or 10 people - enough that it takes a bit of time to get on the table. Either you dish it up on plates and pass them out, or you serve everyone at table - you do guests first, of course. Guests tuck in straight away, while everyone else is still being served.

Is that rude?

I was brought up to think you wait for everyone to be served, if it's a sit-down meal.

What do you think?

OP posts:
SamphiretheStickerist · 03/03/2022 09:18

It's rude. MIL used to serve Sunday lunch on hot plates, veggies in hot bowls on the table. She'd be handing out the hot plates with meat on and before she could sit down with her own her golden boy would have his plate in the air asking for more. He would then fill up his plate a second time taking the last roastie, no matter how many there were left.

And he ate like a starving alsatian, using knife and fork to launch food upwards, then chasing it back down to the plate, slobbering and chomping as he went.

I wish I were exaggerating.

In the first few years I would occasionally forget myself and just sit staring at him, repulsed. MIL would smile fondly and everyone else would pretend it wasn't happening.

So definitely rude. Hot plates and good manners make a great family gathering.

BertieQueen · 03/03/2022 09:25

I was always brought up that you wait until everyone’s meal is in front of them before starting to eat at home and in restaurants. This also includes starters/dessert as well as the main meal.

I have bought my son up the same.

BertieQueen · 03/03/2022 09:25

*brought

warmeduppizza · 03/03/2022 09:30

You wait until everyone is ready to start.

My only exception is when I’ve done the cooking and I’ve put everything on the table and DH decides then that he needs the toilet - then I do start.

puffyisgood · 03/03/2022 09:30

I don't feel at all strongly about this one. I personally would tend to wait, but I've never yet been offended by someone just piling in.

SoberSerena · 03/03/2022 09:30

I think it's rude in some circumstances. If it's a roast dinner with loads of different veg, I would prefer people started while everyone was swapping dishes over to get a bit of everything. But that's assuming nobody is overly greedy or a very fast eater who would look for seconds before everyone else has even started their first helping. That's obviously rude.

If it's in a restaurant or a plated meal, I do find it rude that people sometimes start eating before everyone else has food, unless the host says to start.

My late grandmother was like this when she got into her 90s and we didn't comment on it. She was fastidiously polite all her life but when she hit her 90s I think she just couldn't be bothered and fell upon her food as soon as it arrived. Yes, quite rude, but we didn't comment

Grinling · 03/03/2022 09:31

@notangelinajolie

Yes it's rude to start eating before everyone has been served.. and why I make sure FIL is always the last to get his Christmas dinner. He'd have wolfed the lot down before I'd finished serving if I didn't. My mum always insisted on table manners and waiting for everyone to be served was a biggie.
My father is a wolfer. Nothing anyone has been able to say over the years changed him, and believe me, I’ve tried. At restaurants he actually grabs the plate out of the waiter’s hand as they’re placing it on the table, and immediately gets stuck in. He eats fast, without speaking between mouthfuls, and has sometimes finished and is sitting there ready to go home by the time other people have taken their first couple of bites. My FIL does the same.

Now, they’re both from large, very poor families where if you didn’t eat quickly, you risked getting nothing, but so are my mother and my MiL, who have somehow absorbed the rudeness of this over the years. It seems that women are more receptive to scripts that overlie their childhood lessons.

harriethoyle · 03/03/2022 09:37

Yes OP I think this is terribly rude. Grinds my gears when the kids do it! But not my place to pick them up on their table manners so...

EliyanahM · 03/03/2022 09:38

With Jewish holidays particularly Pesach (Passover) requiring an entire book to be read before eating, I would also wait till every person was served as I'm used to cold food. If you were a millionaire you could maybe buy plate warming placemats or something.

Brefugee · 03/03/2022 09:40

Therefore in institutions (jail, e.g.) and army manouvers waiting doesn't apply.

Eating a full dinner in a mess-tin, main on one side, pudding on the other, is one of the few things i miss about being on exercise Grin

Most people learn to go with the flow. Prison, boarding school, on exercise: get your food, eat it before someone else does, get out

Dinner at home: family rules (my OH comes from a large poor family and it was everyone for themselves at dinner time, he has learned not to wolf food over the time I've known him but when he's with family all rules out of the window)

Our family: wait until everyone is served. If we're using serving dishes, start helping yourself but don't eat until everyone is ready. Never ever take the last of anything without checking if someone else wants it.

And so on and so forth

FudgeSundae · 03/03/2022 09:40

@RobertSmithsLipstick

It all seems a bit pointless among friends. All looking at the host expectantly, waiting for them to tell you when you may begin.
But if it’s a friend why aren’t you helping the host so that they can sit down and eat too? This is the part I don’t get - either it’s formal, so wait until host lifts their fork, or it’s not, in which case help the host so they can get to eating quicker?
TYbakedpotato · 03/03/2022 09:41

The way I've been brought up...

People getting their food first wait.

People without food say, 'You should start, yours is here.'

People with their food continue to wait.

People without food say, 'Seriously, do just start - mine will be here soon, I'm sure. Don't let yours get cold!'

People with their food 'reluctantly' start eating.

There has to be an awkward etiquette dance! A dance is the British way!

CadvanTheBard · 03/03/2022 09:42

It is rude, but as the host you should say to tuck in and not wait.

TheOriginalEmu · 03/03/2022 09:43

This is why I think I’m broken; why does anyone care? Just eat!

SamphiretheStickerist · 03/03/2022 09:46

@CadvanTheBard

It is rude, but as the host you should say to tuck in and not wait.
Why?

If all plates are hot and nobody is dying of hunger why shouldn't everyone wait and ensure nobody goes without?

It's far more conducive to chatting, a pleasant atmosphere, if everyone is passing bowls, asking for the gravy etc, at the same time, rather than one or two people eating whilst others are still waiting.

There is nothing polite about a host martyring themselves for rude guests.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/03/2022 09:47

Surely it depends on size of gathering.
6 people... food isn't going to get cold!
12 people... help the host
100 people... thats why they serve the top table first, so you can eat when your food arrives.

SoberSerena · 03/03/2022 09:47

@TYbakedpotato

The way I've been brought up...

People getting their food first wait.

People without food say, 'You should start, yours is here.'

People with their food continue to wait.

People without food say, 'Seriously, do just start - mine will be here soon, I'm sure. Don't let yours get cold!'

People with their food 'reluctantly' start eating.

There has to be an awkward etiquette dance! A dance is the British way!

Grin same
Benjoir · 03/03/2022 09:48

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I'd rather people started eating than potentially ended up with cold food.
Exactly this!

Who really cares? If the person has form for being rude, then I can understand the frustration, otherwise, I would just he happy they're bring fed Smile

Cbtb · 03/03/2022 09:49

Omelettes, pancakes and similar that are cooked one at a time - don’t wait cos I’m not gonna be able to get them all out at once.

Made simpler in our house as we don’t have a dining room so if I’m plating a meal (canna be arsed to wash up extra serving dishes for the three of us on weekdays) then there isn’t exactly much of a delay between the kitchen counter and the table - I can even carry three plates at once.

Anything served in serving dishes - wait until everyone is seated so everyone can get fair shares, or if Aunty Mable is faffing forever (people that decide they have 10 things to do slowly when dinner is called are just as rude) at least ensure that some is kept warm for her so.

Eating fast - I used to eat slower and chat, had a baby and learnt to gulp food one handed in seconds, now trying to slow down again - think many parents must be like this!

I think etiquette varies between cultures as well. I used to be a waitress at big events while at uni - whole table of 10 served at once by 5 waitresses so no waiting, or silver service going round the whole table asap in pairs of two. Most people waited. Clearing - we were told whole table to be cleared at once when all finished, 2 staff per table, each waitress to take 5 plates. However at one event a (assumed) Middle Eastern gent called me over and was upset that I was disrespecting his guests at the table by not clearing their plates as soon as they individually finished- leaving a dirty plate was considered very rude. I apologised and took the plate and then got told off by the manager because it was rude to the others on the table making them feel pressured to finish - can’t win sometimes

Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 03/03/2022 09:50

@TheOriginalEmu

This is why I think I’m broken; why does anyone care? Just eat!
Because it makes it feel like refuelling rather than a social occasion - there's no time to chat, and it also makes me feel as if we're all racing to get to seconds. It's not like I don't make plenty of food; there's always enough and often leftovers. Though there is one relative who inevitably uses bolting his food as a reason to eat exclusively one component of the meal. Hmm
OP posts:
ButtockUp · 03/03/2022 09:52

Etiquette always used to be that you ate hot food straight away but you wait until everyone is served cold ( eg desserts) food before eating.

CadvanTheBard · 03/03/2022 09:52

If I'm the host I'm happy for everyone to start without me as the point of hosting for me, is to make sure my guests have a nice time. If I'm being hosted and the host says don't worry tuck in, I would. I know I really like it when people like the food I've cooked and I take it as a compliment and part of that is enjoying the food.

But, I wouldn't start eating without the host or if out and not everyone's has arrived unless they said to start.

FirewomanSam · 03/03/2022 09:52

I believe ‘proper’ etiquette dictates that you should wait if it’s a cold dish but if it’s hot you don’t.

I’ve always done the awkward ‘do start… no really, please do, don’t let it get cold…’ dance though. And I personally like to wait until everyone is served, or at least everyone’s in my vicinity if it’s a very big group, as it feels weird eating while some people have nothing in front of them.

Walkacrossthesand · 03/03/2022 09:54

I guess if you're the host, serving the food to a group including known 'start and wolf' types, you could strategically serve them last...as someone said up thread, serve the slowest eaters first and tell them to start before it gets cold! Wink

ExConstance · 03/03/2022 09:55

My understanding is that if you have been served it is polite to wait. If you are waiting it is polite to urge the others to start. First lot should then start eating slowly so that everyone finishes together.