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Original poster

People who tuck in before everyone is served - rude?

265 replies

SarahAndQuack · 02/03/2022 22:33

Say you have family/friends over and you are cooking a meal for, say, 8 or 10 people - enough that it takes a bit of time to get on the table. Either you dish it up on plates and pass them out, or you serve everyone at table - you do guests first, of course. Guests tuck in straight away, while everyone else is still being served.

Is that rude?

I was brought up to think you wait for everyone to be served, if it's a sit-down meal.

What do you think?

OP posts:
SmugOldBag · 02/03/2022 23:32

@Queenoftheashes

The correct etiquette is for someone to urge those waiting to dig in and then it’s fine to begin
This.

I expect people to wait as default but if it's likely to take a while and guests are sitting there waiting politely with rapidly cooling food as a host I would urge them to start. It would be rude to not notice this and make them wait.

If I'm a guest and the host hasn't noticed a lots of guests are waiting and someone is being terribly slow serving themselves (or wait staff are a bit slow bringing orders) I'd probably ask 'is it okay to start?

Very poor manners to just tuck in. FIL does this so he can get to the leftovers first and triumphantly finish it all off before anyone else has managed to fork a potato.

CourtRand · 02/03/2022 23:35

Yes it's rude unless you tell them to please eat so it doesn't get cold

SmugOldBag · 02/03/2022 23:39

Oh okay just noticed you plate up some of the meal, pass it out and then guests serve themselves the side dishes.

In which case i wouldn't find it at all acceptable for anyone to start until such time as everyone is seated with a plate in front of them and host indicates they can. Starting to eat when people are missing from the table or without a plate is very very poor manners. Much worse than starting while everyone is still serving themselves.

galacticpixels · 02/03/2022 23:45

I was brought up to believe it's rude to start until everyone is sitting with their food in front of them. This also applies at home or when out at a restaurant.

DP's parents never wait (two or three people could be missing from the table and they'll just start eating anyway) and I'm still not used to it. They're not rude people generally, but I don't like this in particular.

Travelswithchildren · 02/03/2022 23:46

I was brought up to wait. DH's family just starts when the food is presented to them by MIL. I really dislike it - I want to sit down and eat the meal with her and enjoy her company, not watch her serving it to us.

HailAdrian · 02/03/2022 23:47

Why do you think it's rude?

TheGoogleMum · 02/03/2022 23:49

Depends on who I'm with. If it's people I'm close to probably start but if unsure ask (im fairly certain theyd all say to go ahead to avoid food getting cold). If people I wasn't close to I'd probably wait as wouldn't want to seem rude though if it's taking a while I might ask

Laptopsandmouses · 02/03/2022 23:51

Very presumptuous to serve up portions like it’s school dinners. Get some serving bowls and let people serve themselves.

EeeICouldRipATissue · 02/03/2022 23:54

Basic table manners - I was always taught you're supposed to wait until everyone has been served and then you start eating.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 02/03/2022 23:59

I once spent hours cooking Xmas dinner, but by the time I got to sit down, half the people had already scoffed their food. It's rude because you are supposed to be enjoying a meal together. It's not about getting the food eaten as quickly as possible. The cook isn't supposed to still be working in the kitchen when everybody else eats, and then be left finishing their meal alone.

Beenaboutabit · 02/03/2022 23:59

Very rude to start before the host unless encouraged to do so by the host… just wait a minute so the person making the food can sit down and enjoy it with you ffs

GarlandsinGreece · 02/03/2022 23:59

If the food is hot, people around usually say, “Please begin” but if you’re starting with a salad, say, more polite to have everyone wait.

viques · 03/03/2022 00:02

@Mariposista

Absolute pet hate. Awful manners
I agree. We have a family member who starts eating -shovelling food like a gannet- as soon as the plate hits the table, never says anything complimentary to the cook and will leave the table after eating one course then drift back later when everyone else is having their pudding. Acceptable ( just) in a four year old, unattractive in a forty year old.
Babadook76 · 03/03/2022 00:04

The only time we wait is on Xmas day, or eating at a restaurant on a special occasion

Yaya26 · 03/03/2022 00:05

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I'd rather people started eating than potentially ended up with cold food.
100% this
Laptopsandmouses · 03/03/2022 00:07

@LikeABreathRipplingBy

I once spent hours cooking Xmas dinner, but by the time I got to sit down, half the people had already scoffed their food. It's rude because you are supposed to be enjoying a meal together. It's not about getting the food eaten as quickly as possible. The cook isn't supposed to still be working in the kitchen when everybody else eats, and then be left finishing their meal alone.
This is why serving dishes were created.
WhackingPhoenix · 03/03/2022 00:08

@ComtesseDeSpair

So from all the phrases like “stuffing their faces”, “shovelling it in” and “wolfing it down” it seems the problem really isn’t starting to eat before everyone is served but the speed of the eating. Some people clearly know odd people.

I don’t think I’ve ever eaten with people who ate quickly enough that it would make any difference if they began before others.

Nah, that’s just MN competitive under-eating and negative language to describe something as normal as eating. How uncouth to enjoy one’s food!
WhackingPhoenix · 03/03/2022 00:10

Personally, I’d like my family or guests to enjoy the hot meal I’d prepared rather than wait for me to sit down to eat my own food while it’s still piping hot.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/03/2022 00:10

@ComtesseDeSpair

So from all the phrases like “stuffing their faces”, “shovelling it in” and “wolfing it down” it seems the problem really isn’t starting to eat before everyone is served but the speed of the eating. Some people clearly know odd people.

I don’t think I’ve ever eaten with people who ate quickly enough that it would make any difference if they began before others.

Oh, I can.

I grew up in a large and very poor family where the plan was sit at the table, get the food dumped on your plate and get it down you as fast as physically possible before a) somebody got hit, b) somebody nicked your food off your plate because we were all so fucking hungry all the fucking time and c) you could get out of striking range and back to safety in front of the telly so the next sitting could take their places.

This was then compounded by an ex (from a well off family) who really enjoyed compulsory pauses where everybody had to put their cutlery down and sit whilst he quizzed them on what they had done wrong today, have the amount on their plates criticised, berated for not having a huge glass of wine because 'that's what middle class families do, have alcohol with their meals' and generally made the entire experience utterly miserable.

Make me feel anxious in any way - by saying food would be ready at 7 and it's already 9.30pm, by being a bit tetchy about something, by complaining about how awful table manners are these days and some people are such pigs, remark upon calories or volume, for example - and I revert back to the one thing I did to cope as a kid.

Head down, eat silently, eat quickly, get the fuck outta Dodge before anything kicks off.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 03/03/2022 00:16

Unless you think the host is your servant and is there to serve you, of course it’s rude.

MunchyMonsters · 03/03/2022 00:17

I was served my food in a chain establishment a few nights ago. One which is renowned for serving any dish when it is ready (Wagamumma). I waited for several minutes for my partners dish to be served before I thought 'fuck this' and 'tucked in'.

I'd rather not consume cold food.

However, I will wait for the host if we are eating in a residential home. Bad manners not to.

floridapalmtree · 03/03/2022 00:18

It is bad manners to start eating before everyone is ready unless the host says it's ok to start because the food is getting cold.

My mil and fil were awful for starting before everyone else and literally finishing by the time I sat down after hours of cooking.

Then to make matters worse she would start clearing plates of people who had finished and scraping all the left over food onto one plate whilst at the table and I was still eating. I would dread meals with mil because of her bad manners and she just didn't get it.

MrsSugar · 03/03/2022 00:18

My mum has a real thing about this. To her it’s very rude but tbh i don’t really mind or notice enough to care !

Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 03/03/2022 00:24

Gosh, I went to get tea and this exploded! To answer the recurrent questions:

Yes, I have serving dishes. I either dish up food in the kitchen if there are obvious portions (eg. steak), or I put serving dishes on the table.

No, the food doesn't have time to get cold - thought it might be a cold food issue, but if I heat plates and serve things steaming hot, I just get complaints it's too hot to eat. Equally, if it's something cold, no one waits.

I think it's rude because IMO a meal is sociable and you want to chat. Hurrying to eat implies they're starving (and they're not! I thought at first I was serving the meal too late/not offering enough snacks/whatever but it isn't that), and that they just want to eat not talk.

OP posts:
sashh · 03/03/2022 00:24

@ofwarren

Why does it matter? I wouldn't even notice. Just eat when you have got your food.
Because it is good manners and people do notice.

It's like sticking your knife in your mouth, eating with your mouth open, elbows on the table.

I was brought up to wait for the 'most senior' person to pick up their knife and fork, which would be after everyone was served.

Obviously at a family dinner that wouldn't apply but at weddings it does if it is a sit down meal.