'do you need to speak to your husband?'

[Madmaxxy]

'I don't have one and I'm the one spending the money' was my answer (best part of £1000 for home improvement)

Honestly in 2022?! AIBU?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I always use this as a get out

And that's why so many of them do it. If they've spent two hours giving you their spiel, any objections you raise will be met with answers (whether justified or not) and pressure and reasons why you shouldn't decline after all they've gone through with you. If you say you need to check with your husband/wife, that's an instant get-out that they simply cannot gainsay. It may be that they're being pushy or it may be that you are wasting their time.

Of course, as per the many examples in this thread, there is a lot of outrageous sexism; but I don't think you can blame them in the least if they ask if it will be a joint decision, then if you say yes, they ask who the other person/people is/are and say that both/all of them will need to be there before they're willing to discuss it with you.

If you say that it isn't a joint decision - that you maybe are married, but you have sole authority to make the decision, that should be respected; but then, you have no justification at all for coming out with the old "I'll need to speak to my husband/wife".

To be fair, some companies/tradespeople probably do get people insisting that they can make the decision alone, but then they play the 'spouse card' at the end anyway. Maybe because they're pushy, maybe because somebody has wasted their time and misled them.

Why on earth are they spending two hours giving their spiel? They measure up, they calculate and leave you a quote or you sign up if you are happy. Why are people going along with a two hour spiel, thats ridiculous!

So many of these.

Had a lot of home improvements done over the last two years and not had a problem until we needed a boiler. One I called said they would only come out and quote if my husband was home. Did not use them.

I used to ride motorbikes. I was out looking for an R1 a few years ago and Dad and I mooched down to a dealership (he loves bikes). I pull out an R1 they have in the second hand line, start looking it over, I sit on it and the salesman comes over and starts asking my Dad what he's looking for, giving him the sales patter. Dad tells him he needs to speak to me because it'll be my bike and its my money and the sales man still tries to sell it to him. We walked out and never went back.

I now have a highly modified car because I now have arthritis. Without fail it's my husband who is questioned about the mods, etc and most cannot get their head round me getting in or out the drivers seat. I get really funny looks if out alone in it.

I'd say 'No, do you need to speak to yours?'

@FlasherMcGruff

I really don’t see anything wrong with them asking this (assuming that they have actually heard you refer to your husband or met him and they aren’t just deciding that you must have a husband because every woman should do). Home decisions are usually big, often involve joint finances and are often made by couples together. I don’t necessarily see it as an insult that suggests a) you can’t fund it without his money or b) you can’t make a decision without his input. I’ve got a bathroom fitter coming later and we’ll be spending a lot more than a grand and yes, I will be having a word with my husband before finalising the work because it’s also his bathroom.

There's 2 massive points that counter that.

In my case they still refer to dp even though we both tell then, its my house and my money and I am making the final decision. Many people have posted the same. Such as being ignored, buying a car, despite it being clear its the wife's car and the going in the wife's name. I wont take dp car shopping anymore, because I go looking for my own company car. Despite being told, I am looking and my company will purchase the vehicle. They still try and refer back to dp. And also keep telling me that I have it wrong and try and get dp to back them when the 'explain' My company will lease the car, not buy. We definitely don't lease the cars and dp doesn't work for the same company, so he wouldn't have a clue.

But also, its very rare that men are asked about wether the wife will be there or automatically address the wife. Unless its to make some joke about women having to be in charge.

@Mallowmarshmallow

Absolutely not.

We've recently had builders round to quote for work. I have researched, contacted, engaged with them and explained everything. I also earn the most money.

As one was leaving, he shook my DH's hand and wasn't planning to shake mine until I had stood there so long with my hand outstretched that it was unavoidable.

I would rather have used Bob the builder than 'refuse to shake my hand' builder. When his quote came in and we chose someone else, he asked for feedback and I told him exactly why I would rather gouge my eyes out than use him.

I get this all the bloody time. I am the one who researches local builders, calls them, invites them to quote and I am the one who pays for all the home renovations. But they look at DH, talk to DH, greet DH, check in with him at the end and then kind of blank out the fact that I'm the one paying. Neanderthal.

I went into a bank to have my ID verified for a PPI payment for an account I had had years ago.
The (female) clerk promptly replied "you're here to have your address verified" to which I corrected her and handed her the form she had to scan with my ID. She began to read the letter and then turned to my partner and began to tell him what she was about to do! I said "excuse me, it's my account so you need to talk to me" all the while she was showing my partner my letter and telling him that the (not a small amount) would be in your account within 7 days, did HE want any financial advice on investing HIS money! I again reiterated that it's MY account, MY money and to talk to ME!

Eventually another (female) clerk came over to ask what the problem was and I told her that I was being totally ignored (partner was just going along with it) and she replied "well usually men deal with household money!"

This was in 2020. I put in a complaint and on top of the PPI payment they sent me flowers "by way of an apology for any misunderstanding"

This was the bank that used to call themselves "the listening bank"

I’ve only ever had this kind of thing once, funnily enough when buying a car, when the salesman started directing questions to dh, who just replied that he had no idea what I wanted as the car was for me an d not him.
We’re doing a house renovation just now and Have had numerous people here to look at and quote for jobs but have had no issues with sexism. I work part time and generally deal with stuff because I’m generally about during the day and dh isn’t available.
I even bought the house without dh seeing it and the solicitor didn’t even raise an eyebrow

I simply won't tolerate it.
I took the opportunity to pre-warn the offices of the window-fitting companies, before they arrived to do the quotes, that I was not interested in any of their notorious sales spiel or any sexist/misogynist company policies so please don't bother wasting either of our time.
One of the agents obviously didn't get the message, as soon as he sat down to start taking the details he asked "Is your husband aware & happy to proceed with the work?" I didn't tell him I didn't have a husband, simply stood up, opened the door & told him to please leave.

Had breakfast in a cafe yesterday with DP, I ordered a bacon & sausage bap and he ordered smashed avocado on toast with poached eggs. Waiter came and put the avocado in front of me and when I said I was having the bap, he laughed and said "yeah right". I reiterated again that I was having the bap and he still put the avocado in front of me and walked off laughing, we just sat there stunned. Who knew you needed a penis to eat bacon & sausage?

Lost him his tip too, arsehole

Clearly I'm in the minority here, but I think it's fairly reasonable to assume couples tend to discuss big purchases before going ahead, and asking if you'd like time to have that discussion.
I read once about a (double glazing) company who insisted that a husband had to be there when someone came to measure up for a quote. Absolutely fuck that!
But, I wouldn't get at all bothered if someone asked whether I needed time to discuss with my partner. They'd just get a "no, I'm good to go thanks" if I didn't need to!

I generally find I can put a rapid stop to the husband thing by wheeling out my Dr title.

Suddenly I’m not the little woman I’m someone who is intelligent, earns their own money, can make decisions and am capable of functioning independently from a man . It’s also why I am listed as Dr on all my banking, billing etc. if I need to use a title I use it.

This is why we also need to stop with the miss/mrs title crap, womens names literally define their relationship to a man, so is it any wonder we are treated as though we are man satellites rather than independent creatures.

I know a senior consultant who moved back the area from aboard and had a huge posh house to carpet and furnish. Because of their complicated working hours and size of the possible order a large store (think John Lewis or similar) agreed to stay open late for them.
Senior sales manager and team greeted Dr. And DP at the door shaking the man’s hand and smarming, “wonderful to do business with you doctor” addressed everything to him, in spite of him saying regularly that his wife would be making the major decision. “Of course, the little woman will be spending more time in the house than you so needs to like your choice” type comments. By the time they had reached the correct floor my friend had had enough. She looked the manager in the eye and said “I am the doctor, DP is a SAHD and you have just lost our custom” then walked out!

I’d have loved to be in the room when he reported that to the board!

(think John Lewis or similar) agreed to stay open late for them

A salesman in John Lewis was the only person out of a variety of furniture stores that took me seriously as a 20 something postgrad when I walked in to buy a sofa. Every other store clearly didn’t think I was serious or had the money as I’d be quickly “left to browse” then all salespeople would disappear.

That was 20 odd years ago and I think I’ve bought most of my furniture from there ever since.

Funny isn’t it that treating someone decently will get you a sale.

I wasn’t trying to dis. John Lewis, but the name of the actual store is more outing as they are more regional.

I had a plumber round to look at a leaky toilet. He kept banging on about my husband (who wasn't home). Told me what he thought the issue was and how my husband could fix it (my husband hates diy and admits himself he has no clue). Plumber insisted on speaking to him so called later that evening. I fixed the toilet myself and it wasn't the issue he claimed either.

I used to get this in reverse! Worked in a carpet shop and often had people come in with measurements in ft and inches. I would need to convert them into metric and plan it to fit the carpet width if more than one room. I would also measure and cut carpets of the roll to be taken away 'off the rack.'
Many, many times, men would ask to speak to 'one of the chaps,' my manager, etc. Not believing I was perfectly capable in dealing with such manly doings!
I remember once, a man had his partner with him and as soon as he asked to speak to a man, she quickly walloped him and told him off!

I think some sales people are generally pretty crap. Can't read you or your body language. Can't read the dynamic between the couple ie who is buying, who has the money and who is the decision maker.

One builder I used seemed to know that firstly the flats mine and secondly I was paying him with my money that I'd earned and and I would be making all the decisions without it being spelled out. It was just obvious from our behaviour. He acted accordingly and we used him.

But then others just asked / spoke to my partner, and then even when he said "ask Dolphine it's her flat and her ideas" they still spoke to him!!!

Just means they don't get my business!!! Simple!

@Thereareliterallynonamesleft

Haha, ‘I need to speak to my husband’ is my get out to get away from door to door salesmen etc!

Try seeking out assertiveness tips, you should be able to say a straight no to a door to door salesmen.

I've had this and HATE it - especially in car show rooms however I probably prefer it to when a salesman knocked on my door and when I answered asked if my parents were home so he could speak to them. I'm 32.

I think some sales people are generally pretty crap. Can't read you or your body language. Can't read the dynamic between the couple ie who is buying, who has the money and who is the decision maker

I think it’s more that they are so entrenched in gender stereotypes it’s inconceivable to many that a woman may be more practical, knowledgable and earn more money than a man. And if she is making the decisions it’s because the man is “allowing” her to because nudge nudge we know who wears the trousers. Anything for an easy life eh? It will still be him paying for it though.

Many men do seem to genuinely think female heads are filled with fairies and glitter.

@Keladrythesaviour

I've had this and HATE it - especially in car show rooms however I probably prefer it to when a salesman knocked on my door and when I answered asked if my parents were home so he could speak to them. I'm 32.

I had this! Probably similar age at the time as well. I know I look younger than I am - but it was ridiculous. I just said no though, didn't want cold callers anyway.

Had this when buying windows a few years back, not long after my husband died. He asked if he could speak to my husband as well as me. I said “Sure, if you know a medium?” His embarrassment was a thing of beauty.

I have bought cars and houses and various other things on my own for years and have never had anyone say that they would need to speak to 'my husband'.

Obviously when I've bought or sold a house they've asked if I'm doing it alone or with another person but when I bought a new kitchen about 10 years ago no one mention the 'h' word.

I took my exh along with me when I went to look at second hand cars in a car showroom several years ago as he knows more about the mechanics of cars than I do but I made clear from the outset that it was me making the purchase and doing the test drive and the salesman addressed all his remarks and questions direct to me.

I'm an older woman (early 70s) so I don't know if that makes any difference - lots of widows in my age group - but no, I wouldn't use a company that wanted to talk to my (non existent) husband before they'd deal with me.

Oh and I recently went to a well known DIY chain that operates via counter system to buy the bits to fix my leaking loo.

Bloke asked me if I was qualified to do the job.

He got very offended when I asked him if he asked all the customers that or only people who didn't have a penis. ( He hadn't asked anyone else in the queue ahead of me).

I've been back a few times since and got a very grudging "Hello mate" but he hasn't every patronised me again.

I'm quite handy and was well trained to do basic plumbing and electrics by my Dad/ Grandfather. It's often easier/quicker to just do small jobs than try to get a proper tradesman round. Even my friends do it (male and female)sometimes - shouldn't you get an electrician?

Me: I'm changing a sodding light fitting not rewiring the fucking house.

No one even questions my brother when he does the same. It is so annoying.

Nobody needs two hours to give anyone 'their spiel'. I don't hold with hard selling, I know what I want, so any company giving me quote needs to realise that it's a conversation, not a 'spiel'.

Why on earth are they spending two hours giving their spiel? They measure up, they calculate and leave you a quote or you sign up if you are happy. Why are people going along with a two hour spiel, thats ridiculous!

OK, 'spiel' probably wasn't the best word to use - but some purchases do require a lengthy discussion - with input from both the seller and the customer. Something like a kitchen, for instance: you don't just get a quote for 'A kitchen' as dimensions will differ in every house and there are loads of potential variations of layouts.

Personally, if we were buying a new kitchen (we are going to be doing that soon, as it happens) and somebody expected to spend 20 minutes with a tape measure and then give us an accurate quote, I would assume they were wanting to sell us what was easiest/most profitable for them and weren't in the least interested about selling us what we wanted to buy.

I would expect to take a lot more of the salesperson's time to ensure we all knew what our choices were. If one of us went alone for that and then finally said "I'll need to check with my DH/DW" - not necessarily just to double-check that the final price was acceptable, but maybe coming back with the info that the other one wanted a completely different layout - or, theoretically, revealed that the other one didn't actually want to replace the kitchen it at all and was always likely to disagree with the purchase - I don't think it would be at all unfair for the salesperson to feel hugely messed around and taken advantage of.