'do you need to speak to your husband?'

[Madmaxxy]

'I don't have one and I'm the one spending the money' was my answer (best part of £1000 for home improvement)

Honestly in 2022?! AIBU?

Thames Water. Despite the fact that I registered the account, have sorted stuff with customer services and pay the bill, they refuse to put me as the lead on the bill and account. So all letters go to DP who is usually away or scatterbrained. Makes me so angry and I’ve tried to fix it lots of times.

I must say I’ve never experienced this in the 20 odd years I’ve been divorced. Perhaps they assume nobody would be desperate enough to live with an old crow like me!

I do find though that the majority of my attached female friends are nervous and often incapable of dealing with big decisions so don’t think we can totally blame the trades people.

Buying a gaming PC... Now THAT was fun, the sales guy just refused to acknowledge me until my partner said "Talk to her, it's her PC, she'll be paying, and she knows exactly what she wants"
He looked absolutely astounded that a woman might be into online gaming.
I dropped my £1000 on a PC in another shop.
I absolutely despise sales, with the spikey hair, the shiny suits and the laddish attitude

A salesman once told me they like both partners present when they quote because otherwise they often get people using "I'll have to discuss it with my husband/wife" as a way of (in their mind) avoiding making a decision or getting them out of the house. It's all about the hard sell.

@DiamondBright

A salesman once told me they like both partners present when they quote because otherwise they often get people using "I'll have to discuss it with my husband/wife" as a way of (in their mind) avoiding making a decision or getting them out of the house. It's all about the hard sell.

I love hard sell because it absolutely doesn't work on me, I'm so stubborn and happen to know quite a bit about selling techniques

Massive assumptions and could of been worded a lot better . But having worked in sales you could spend a lot of time close the sale only to get call back after they had spoken to there partner and have to change or cancel it just a complete waste of time and that was double glazing .

I used to instal telephone lines you'd talk through with the customer where the wires were going . Start work practically finish then the other one would return home and want it doing a different way . We had regular complaint and re visits because the other person in the house wasn't happy with what the other had instructed us to do .

It make perfect sense to check if both parties are happy.
The question just needs to be asked in a better way .

A bit different but similar vein. I set up a company with two friends. One of whom is a bloke.
Literally ever single man we met to talk to about the business would direct questions to him. My friend would often pointedly say I have no idea ask Freckles she doe she business planning and still they would ask him. So fucking annoying.

We needed new patio doors, I told DH I would get 3 or 4 quotes, then we would decide. I telephoned one company telling them I am getting quotes with a view to making a decision later, they asked if DH would be there, I explained he wasn't interested, and I am just getting quotes and will not be buying until I have other quotes. I was told that they won't come out unless DH is there, I said, believe me he's not interested, this chap then said 'until he needs to use his hard earned money to pay for it!'

A few weeks ago I had the pest conrol company out. The male who came inside told me my 'house was clean, if I was looking for a compliment'. Then said he 'should give me his wife's number so I could given her some pointers as their house was messy'. I told him I'd take HIS number & give him pointers since it's not his wife's job to keep their house clean. He moved on very quickly & his co worker brought me the paperwork. I enjoyed that.

Another one... My car was making brake noise so I asked the car dealer mechanics to check it. A male mechanic rang me, very condescendingly told me I was making it up. I said 'ok, I'll call my husband...' He cut me off & said 'there's no need for that, we don't stand for violence'. I finished 'to pick the car up because he works across the road from you'. 'oh'. Was his only reply. I now have an independent, still male, mechanic who is incredibly respectful & honest. He knows to call me because I do the organising, authorisation & payment (H is often unavailable). So there are good ones out there.

@Hadalifeonce

We needed new patio doors, I told DH I would get 3 or 4 quotes, then we would decide. I telephoned one company telling them I am getting quotes with a view to making a decision later, they asked if DH would be there, I explained he wasn't interested, and I am just getting quotes and will not be buying until I have other quotes. I was told that they won't come out unless DH is there, I said, believe me he's not interested, this chap then said 'until he needs to use his hard earned money to pay for it!'

This is often part of double glazing companies hard sell tactics. Making sure both halves of the couple are there, so you can’t use the I need to check with my husband/wife first excuse before signing on the dotted line.

It make perfect sense to check if both parties are happy. The question just needs to be asked in a better way

I put YABU because I agree with this. Obviously I cannot bear the explicit or implicit misogyny of our every day lives but at the same time I do think it makes sense that adults living together might want to agree on a large purchase. I guess it needs to be worded differently.

Got a CF neighbour who asked to borrow one of our vehicles last year l said no sorry mate it's not there for lending out even if we aren't using it.
He said OK will let you check with your husband.
I kept rinsing and repeating but for that comment alone l will never ever lend him it (or anyone else cone to that!)

@MrsMoastyToasty

Conservative party canvasser called at the door before a general election. He asked to speak to my husband. I said "No, he's cooking my dinner and women have had the vote for a hundred years". The candidate was JRM.

Oh, I would have paid to be you. 😹😹

I'm in Scotland and I've never had this! In fact, quite the opposite. Even when my DH is there, builders and tradesmen always say, best to speak to the wife as she's always in charge.

I experienced this when trying to buy a car once and chose to buy elsewhere solely for that reason. The car was a bloomin' Fiat 500 too. It was mine alone, paid for by me driven by me. Wound me right up did that salesperson.

I agree they just need to use the term “your other half” or something like that if they are a bit concerned that the person they are speaking to needs to consult someone else.

Although I am with a pp in that I have never been asked this myself: I must have a commanding air! (Or old bat!)

@Thereareliterallynonamesleft

Haha, ‘I need to speak to my husband’ is my get out to get away from door to door salesmen etc!

Mine too!!

When we bought this house I made the offer, negotiated with the agent. They did ask why I was doing it and not DH and I just said he was harder to get hold of than me due to being in court. I didn't say "because I'm the harder negotiator and haven't lost my heart to the house".

30 years ago the agent addressed dh when we were selling. DH just gave him a hard stare and said "you had better speak to my wife, it's her house".

Doesn't happen often. If DH us home when a tradesman comes he usually says "I've no idea, I'll get my wife".

@MrsMoastyToasty Actually the canvassers want to speak to the person who they have on their list who has previously indicated they will vote for them whoever that is in the house. Nothing to do with men/women. The Labour/MonsterRavingLoony Party would have said the same.

We have the flip side of this a lot. DH used to be a designer and has a much better 'eye' for colour, how things look etc. Whenever we have work done, there's always a lot of ooh you can't choose that without asking your wife. Because, of course, only women care about how things look!
I rarely have strong opinions on interiors and am nearly always happy to go with what DH says!

I'd tell them to F off before going somewhere else. I had financial advice previously and they wanted to put my partner's name on the file first because 'it's easier for them'. I got my mortgage and didn't go back.

Couldn’t get wound up about most of these. Yes there is no need for rudeness or sexism.
However it is fair to say couples often expect to make decisions jointly. if one half of the couple is unhappy with the end result and hasn’t been consulted, the couple may argue. But then most likely make up. The business may end up with a bad review and will always take the brunt of the blame.

For example this post:
Had the opposite when we got married. Forgot all about flowers for the church but luckily we lived above a florist (landlord) so sent DH down to pick 'any fucking thing I don't give a shit'. Florist sent him back 3 times to tell me he couldn't possibly let him make a decision about it 🙄

I wonder how many horrible bridezillas the woman has dealt with who would leave nasty reviews for the smallest thing gone wrong.
Maybe she just wanted to get things right.

I think so many people are just quick to take offence.
If a company suggested to me did I wish to discuss making a big or important purchase with dp, I would just say yes, or no, we are happy I’m having the final say.
Not have a strop and then leave negative reviews online. Really not required.

I really don’t see anything wrong with them asking this (assuming that they have actually heard you refer to your husband or met him and they aren’t just deciding that you must have a husband because every woman should do). Home decisions are usually big, often involve joint finances and are often made by couples together. I don’t necessarily see it as an insult that suggests a) you can’t fund it without his money or b) you can’t make a decision without his input. I’ve got a bathroom fitter coming later and we’ll be spending a lot more than a grand and yes, I will be having a word with my husband before finalising the work because it’s also his bathroom.

I'm in Scotland and I've never had this! In fact, quite the opposite. Even when my DH is there, builders and tradesmen always say, best to speak to the wife as she's always in charge

Which isn’t any better and is just as sexist

Best to speak to the person in front of you, respectfully, as if they have a functioning brain cell and are capable of making a decision. If they say they need to consult a partner then the answer is fine, let me know what you decide.

I had 3 under 5 for a time and my eldest was really big and heavy (still is), but far too young for a boosters. So spend a few weekends trapsing around car showrooms with the 3 car seats looking for a new car.

Exactly the same thing - found a few which fitted, would your husband like to come for a test drive? Why? He's not bloody driving it is he. Or can we make an appointment for both of you to test it - err no as we'd need to bring along 3 small children and we currently don't have a car that fits everyone in, so we wouldn't even be able to get to the car showroom.