'do you need to speak to your husband?'

[Madmaxxy]

'I don't have one and I'm the one spending the money' was my answer (best part of £1000 for home improvement)

Honestly in 2022?! AIBU?

Wouldn't be so bad except it was all in my name and I was handing over the keys etc. I hate this every day sexism bullshit

Mind you a bloke knocked on my car window last week and asked if he could have my (last remaining) parking space as he was late for an appointment (at the same place I was going to). But it's OK because, as I was on the phone, he apologised for interrupting my mothers' meeting.

Reader, I did not move. The client I was talking to on the phone found my "you should've left home earlier then" reply quite amusing.

I’m on my own, and took my dad with me to buy a car, when I was in my late 20s. That’s because, although I’m a but of a girl racer, he’s an engineer, and knows a bit more about car engines than me. However, it was going to be my car, and I was trading in my old one - all in my name. We left two garages, when they automatically went to sort the test drive for my dad. He was very clear it was to be my car, and he wouldn’t be test driving, unless I asked him to also have a drive. We ended up buying a car from a place where the salesman was very open ‘who is going to be test driving the car? Who will be the registered keeper?’ Not difficult, and ok, they only lost about £15k on that occasion, but I’ve never been back to those garages in the intervening 20 years.

I always use this as a get out

And that's why so many of them do it. If they've spent two hours giving you their spiel, any objections you raise will be met with answers (whether justified or not) and pressure and reasons why you shouldn't decline after all they've gone through with you. If you say you need to check with your husband/wife, that's an instant get-out that they simply cannot gainsay. It may be that they're being pushy or it may be that you are wasting their time.

Of course, as per the many examples in this thread, there is a lot of outrageous sexism; but I don't think you can blame them in the least if they ask if it will be a joint decision, then if you say yes, they ask who the other person/people is/are and say that both/all of them will need to be there before they're willing to discuss it with you.

If you say that it isn't a joint decision - that you maybe are married, but you have sole authority to make the decision, that should be respected; but then, you have no justification at all for coming out with the old "I'll need to speak to my husband/wife".

To be fair, some companies/tradespeople probably do get people insisting that they can make the decision alone, but then they play the 'spouse card' at the end anyway. Maybe because they're pushy, maybe because somebody has wasted their time and misled them.

Me and dp live apart. Kitchen salesman came to my house, all booked in by me. I fully explain that I live alone with my dc. Going OK, I'm deciding on colours, appliance location, new positions for water/gas and electrics.

Dp calls round and immediately the salesman changes tack and speaks only to dp. I'm getting more and more pissed off, knowing my reaction dp begins to really milk it with the salesman - all the banter and misogyny including joking about me not having to wash up any more.

So it comes to agreeing a sale and deposit. Salesman asks what we think of the design (actually it was good, and I'd actually got a lot of info about what would/wouldn't work, and why). Looks at dp. DP says 'I really don't know why you've spent the last 30 minutes buttering me up mate, I don't even live here'.

Cue massive back-peddling and smarming at me. No bloody way was I ever going to buy his kitchen. Called his manager afterwards too, was offered a massive (like, seriously huge) discount, but couldn't bear the thought of him getting a penny in commission.

I've had the car salesman talking to the man several times. I knew DH was a keeper when he shut one down with "I can't afford this, it's her money. She's buying it."

We had some work done on our annex , new carpet , some carpentry and a new kitchen put in , we had a few quotes done for the kitchen and it was ridiculous the amount of company's that wanted to speak to my husband , I choose everything design wise in our house always have , my husband couldn't give a shit about an annex kitchen , we had more recently just changed the doors and work top as a temporary thing and aesthetically it looks fine but the actual cabernets were rickety and a bit unsafe and we use our annex a lot for visiting family and friends usually they have children , a couple of work men almost suggested that I was doing it behind my husband's back and it didn't need doing despite the fact that I could wobble the units in front of them 😂 .. Sexism is truly still alive and kicking sadly ...however I hired a carpenter to build a bit of a cloak room and a triple bunk he didn't once ask if I needed my husband's advise , neither did the carpet fitter .. Clearly women are ok with cupboards and carpets just not kitchens ...

I had a sales person refuse to make an appointment unless my husband was present so started to say I was single.

A friend had a double glazing salesman knock, she let him do his talk and said no, so he asked to speak to her husband instead, sure said she, grabbed a very pretty if a tad urnlike tin that she keeps lentils in, took it to the front door, shook it and said ‘here he is, ask away. Apparently he was quite a fast runner for his weight and age! 😆

Someone, at a certain ultimate driving machine sales room, continued to only talk to DH, even though DH said, "there's no point talking to me mate, I don't know anything about cars and she'll be deciding".

Wanker.

We didn't buy one.

Yuck. Vote with your feet.

Well actually, I have several of them. I’m going to have to wait until they’re all home from work, and we’ll sit around and discuss it over dinner and a glass of champagne.

I had a sales person refuse to make an appointment unless my husband was present so started to say I was single.

It’s those ones that are so enjoyable though as they give so much scope:

• oh, dear he’s dead. Do I have to bring a medium or is it okay just to have myself?
• oh, that’s going to be a problem. It seems I’m utterly repugnant to men and no matter how hard I have tried, I haven’t been able to get one to marry me. What do you suggest?
• well, this is getting complicated. I had a DH but after 22 years he decided he was trans and we are currently in dispute as to whether they are my wife, husband or even if we are really together. What’s your criteria for this stuff so we know what you need from us?
• my DH left my last week for a 19yo called Taylor but officially he is still on the house deeds. Would Taylor have to be present as well as now he doesn’t seem to make any decision whatsoever without being led by her?

So. Much. Fun

Yes, I once got 'where's the boss?' from a tradie. I said 'You're looking at her mate'.

Ooh, had this happen to me once when I was buying paint of all things. Repeatedly asked if I needed to call my husband to check I'd got the paint type and color right and then was completely skeptical that I could carry the paint can (regular sized) to my car by myself. Gave me the absolute rage!

We get it all the time. I point out I own the house and am paying for the work, so absolutely don't need anyone else's say so.

But even when we had loads of work done on the bathroom last year. I was upstairs working, if dp was home they would go back downstairs and ask him. So he would send them up. This was even though I told them to give me a shout if they needed anything.

They also made comments about how lucky I was that he let me make all the decisions. After a couple of days dp just turned round and said "this is her house, she earns more in a year than I earn in 5, if anyone is lucky, it's me". At taht point their attitude changed. But I won't recommend them to anyone else.

The one and only time it happened to me and I was enraged.

I had a credit card with NW building society. D.C. were at uni so I got them both a card on my account with a low limit, not to be used except in extreme emergencies or with my permission. All good.

A few months later DS hands me a letter from NW asking what it meant. I can’t remember the purpose of the letter but it included confidential information, was related to my account and had nothing to do with any additional card holders.

When I called NW and asked why a letter had been sent to my son about my account and the breach of the DPA, the young man on the phone went all stuttery and said they addressed letters to the first name on an account. I know they do do this as our mortgage was with them. I had to explain DS’s name isn’t anywhere on the account, mine is, I pay the card and I’m responsible for the debt.

A formal complaint resulted in £150 compensation and an admission of error. I still don’t know how it happened as the account was opened before I added additional card holders.

@KnottyKnitting

I had a real row with a window salesman once about him refusing to come and do a quote without DH here. He just would not back down so I told him to get stuffed and went with another supplier. Didn't stop them pestering me for business for months after either!

I had that, with Anglian Windows, before I divorced. It was for a quote, we'd already had two other quotes with just me in attendance (!), which had taken about half an hour each. Anglian guy wanted (now ex) DH to come home from work early, said 'it would take a while' and he (DH) would be able to make a decision. I told him no. It took about a year before they gave up calling, we went with a decent local company.

I live on my own now, and fortunately haven't had this happen again, but I'd instantly disregard any company that did it. It's 2022!!

I work in a hugely male dominated trade. I'm the highest qualified engineer in my team, indeed the only officially qualified person in my team. Some pearlers I've had recently are:

'No offence love, can I speak to one of the lads?'

And

'Is Brian there? No? No point asking you, you won't fucking know.....'

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I always use this as a get out

And that's why so many of them do it. If they've spent two hours giving you their spiel, any objections you raise will be met with answers (whether justified or not) and pressure and reasons why you shouldn't decline after all they've gone through with you. If you say you need to check with your husband/wife, that's an instant get-out that they simply cannot gainsay. It may be that they're being pushy or it may be that you are wasting their time.

Of course, as per the many examples in this thread, there is a lot of outrageous sexism; but I don't think you can blame them in the least if they ask if it will be a joint decision, then if you say yes, they ask who the other person/people is/are and say that both/all of them will need to be there before they're willing to discuss it with you.

If you say that it isn't a joint decision - that you maybe are married, but you have sole authority to make the decision, that should be respected; but then, you have no justification at all for coming out with the old "I'll need to speak to my husband/wife".

To be fair, some companies/tradespeople probably do get people insisting that they can make the decision alone, but then they play the 'spouse card' at the end anyway. Maybe because they're pushy, maybe because somebody has wasted their time and misled them.

Nobody needs two hours to give anyone 'their spiel'. I don't hold with hard selling, I know what I want, so any company giving me quote needs to realise that it's a conversation, not a 'spiel'.

I have name changed for this because I know she is on here. But I worked with a couple, they were in different departments. She had form for getting others to do her work. One day I was checking her work and it was not good enough. We had words and she was very rude to me. She then abandoned her work completely, disappeared from her department to work along side him.
A while later he came over to my department to speak to me about how I was always picking on her and how I should run my department. It was news to him that she had been so abusive to me. I pointed out it was nothing to do with him and it was not his department and refused to speak to him about it. Because it was nothing to do with him. Seeing he was getting nowhere with me. He seriously said he would speak to my DH about it (he does not know my DH.) He actually expected me to ring my DH and ask him to come to my work place so they could discuss a work issue between their wife & girlfriend. He was told exactly where to go.

@Blanketpolicy

Honestly doesn't bother me, we've had as many trade people say to dh 'do you need to speak to your wife?'. I just assume they think a big quote/job will be discussed between a couple before accepting.

Dh is a trademan and regularly has problems where one person accepts a quote then their OH questions it on the day the job is due to either start or be paid.

My dad had a central heating company in the late 70s through to the 90s.

In my teens my brother and I would answer the phone for him and get paid if we got an appointment, and then more if there was a sale.

My dad always wanted to speak to the couple (if it was a couple) when he went out, and even back then we would explain that it wasn't to be sexist but so that both had the opportunity to ask questions.

I’m really surprised how often these things seem to happen to people. Dh and I a similar height and I can be very assertive and am deffo the talker in the couple, albeit at times with cars deferring to dh as he’s more into cars than me. I have occasionally had to say to dh you need to tackle this one, I’m not being listened and have made it fairly obvious over the years I’m primarily in charge of most purchases and wouldn’t have been scared to tell the sales person to talk to me or walk out eye rolling.

Not once can I recall that happening when our house was being remodelled / extended. I wouldn’t work with someone, who did that. The last time it happens with cars was when dh, dd (toddler at the time) and I were at garage buying me the family car for me, about 12 years ago and we ended up leaving and buying elsewhere. We have since replaced this car and I made it clear to the sales guy dh wanted the car but it’s for me to drive. My main criteria is that I have to be able to get in and out and drive comfortably - I’m disabled - so ultimately the decider. The first thing I did was get in and out a couple of times and the guy treated us as absolute equals. I find most men in sales do tbh.

The most memorable wtf time is when we were looking at having a glass verandah. The guy would only come if dh was also present. The company was most insistent, which in hindsight was a red flag. The sales guy was high pressure and the price would only be held if he did the sale there and then etc. Dh and I insisted several times we’d have to think about it. The guy then asked to use the loo and hid in there for about 20 minutes whilst we looked at each other in a wtf as it became apparent this wasn’t an extremely long poo. We were flabbergasted. On emerging, he was expedited from the house in double quick time.

@KnottyKnitting

I had a real row with a window salesman once about him refusing to come and do a quote without DH here. He just would not back down so I told him to get stuffed and went with another supplier. Didn't stop them pestering me for business for months after either!

Everest did this to me. My first question was did we need scaffolding (because we were first floor flat and had no access to the outside under that particular window). They said no. But then kept mentioning it.

They called for ages and ages and ages. Eventually I gave them their own number to call.

Just as the knock came on the door my husband took a business phone call. I invited the bloke in who had come to quote us for a fireplace and log burner. When I told him that my husband wouldn’t be long he looked at me, smiled and very patronisingly said
“ We don’t need him do we ? You will choose what you want and he will pay”
We hadn’t even got out of the hall and he had lost the sale.