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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanker DH

124 replies

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 19:50

Hi!

So we have a small child plus just found out another on the way.

Yesterday when I was backing up our phone photos of our little one, step one in actually printing some I found a selfie of a woman.

On further investigation it has emerged that he uses chat sites and snap chat to help him wank. He has ethical issues with porn.

I feel very hurt. I would almost respect him more for having a full blown affair. While he has been doing this he has been going on about how much he loves our shared life together and how important I am to him.

I really like him and enjoy the rare occasion we have sex.

If I were not pregnant I would want to go out and find a random man to flirt with.

He is a great father, loving husband and shares all the housework and chores.

What do I do. I feel like he's turned our loving life, with the aim of hanging out on a park bench feeding the ducks when we're old and the kids have left to a sham marriage staying together for the sake of childcare and finances.

AIBU

Yes- true love is is bs
No - he's fucked it all up

OP posts:
BatmanCat · 28/02/2022 19:51

Why are you putting up with that crap?

Sexnotgender · 28/02/2022 19:53

He’s got moral issues with porn but not moral issues around disrespecting you clearly. Wanker.

Babadook76 · 28/02/2022 19:54

So women who are deliberately creating wank material are a no go. But it’s fine to wank over some unsuspecting woman’s snap chat picture? He’s a fucking creep

babyjellyfish · 28/02/2022 19:54

I really like him and enjoy the rare occasion we have sex.

Doesn't sound very much like you love or fancy him...

momls20 · 28/02/2022 20:02

That's vile Envy

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:05

Babadook76 my investigations have led me to understand that they meet in chat rooms and move to snap chat to exchange photos

OP posts:
beansprout55 · 28/02/2022 20:06

If my husband wanked over women and hardly had sex with me I'd get a divorce - and vice versa! I think if we didn't have sex a couple of times a week one of us would start getting suspicious.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. You're pregnant with his child and his fantasising over another women. You need to talk about where to go from here OP.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:06

babyjellyfish I do love him. He's great at sex. Opportunity is lacking due to small child.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/02/2022 20:08

Is he sorry? Does he see why you're upset? How would he feel if you were wanking yourself off to someone youd paid on snapchat? If he sees an issue and feels awful about it and there is full transparency and a reasonable chance of change then maybe...if he is trying to justify it all then I think youd be best off moving on rather than being in the same position in a few years

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:08

beansprout55 I'm clueless as to where to go from here. I'm pretty hurt.

My little one is very loved and taken care of by both of us, what's best for my little one is my priority. If it were just us as a couple I would have left.

OP posts:
beansprout55 · 28/02/2022 20:10

Ultimatum. Sex is for the marriage, not with other women online. If he does it again then it's over, or if you can't get past it it's over now. Those are your only two options, aren't they?

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:12

DrinkFeckArseBrick He's clearly shitting himself.

He's very sorry and ashamed.

He's not paying them!!!

He says he's just sad that we don't get much time alone. We don't have much family support. He says he was lonely but he's really upset about what he's done.

I'm finding it hard to really think about as I'm worried about what the stress/high emotions will do to my pregnancy

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 28/02/2022 20:13

He's great at sex

Clearly! It seems to be all he's good at. Confused
There's more to marriage than sex though, OP.
I love (sarcastically speaking) how he has ethical issues with porn but no problem shelving his wife for some snap chat wank fodder. What's the difference? The result is the same: It's shitty and it debases you. I love how men cherry-pick their fucking ethics!

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:14

beansprout55 what about staying together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the happy child and me having a proper affair sometime later.

I should add I'm a stay at home mum and am currently financially relying on him though I could easily return to my former career where I was successful and appreciated. But won't be able to spend as much time with my child.

OP posts:
SarahProblem · 28/02/2022 20:16

End it and consider whether you wish to keep the one on the way if it's not passed the point.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:17

TheVanguardSix

He actually does try to be ethical! Shame it doesn't extend to me! Such a dickhead!

He is an incredibly loving and supportive husband.

This would be so much easier if he was abusive or dickish or a bad father.

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 28/02/2022 20:17

Sham marriage is really not a good idea, children aren't stupid and will learn the lack of respect, not concealed cheating and resulting nastiness as their normal. You need to rate yourself far more highly.

userxx · 28/02/2022 20:18

Are you sure he's not paying for anything ? Snapchat is full of working women who use it as a platform to make some money.

TheVanguardSix · 28/02/2022 20:18

I'm finding it hard to really think about as I'm worried about what the stress/high emotions will do to my pregnancy

Be sure and tell him this because he's the one driving this stress. He should be caring towards you, caring about your wellness, not crying over the little snapchat adventures his prick took him on. Sorry. It's No Sympathy Night when it comes to these grown men crying because they were 'lonely'. Pull the other one. It's got bells on.

Shoxfordian · 28/02/2022 20:18

He doesn’t try very hard to be ethical! He’s cheated on you, repeatedly by the sounds of it. I wouldn’t be able to trust or forgive this

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:19

SarahProblem

The thought did cross my mind tbh...

But my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks and I would say that was by far the worst experience of my adult life so I don't think I could and keep any sense of my identity

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:20

userxx I'm pretty sure, there was only 2 images exchanged either way.

OP posts:
BeanyBops · 28/02/2022 20:20

Your children won't be happy if you aren't Flowers

You might get away with pretending for a few years but soon they'll figure out that you're unhappy together. And they'll unwittingly use your relationship as the blueprint for their own future relationships. Show them what a loving, happy, respectful relationship is with someone else or with him if you think you can both move past it but don't try to pretend.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:23

Shoxfordian I don't think I can trust him either. I can never trust him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:25

BeanyBops how old do you think they need to be before they can tell. He's not such a bad person that he'd be passively or actively hostile.

Maybe I could work up to leaving him in 5 or 6 years

OP posts: