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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanker DH

124 replies

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 19:50

Hi!

So we have a small child plus just found out another on the way.

Yesterday when I was backing up our phone photos of our little one, step one in actually printing some I found a selfie of a woman.

On further investigation it has emerged that he uses chat sites and snap chat to help him wank. He has ethical issues with porn.

I feel very hurt. I would almost respect him more for having a full blown affair. While he has been doing this he has been going on about how much he loves our shared life together and how important I am to him.

I really like him and enjoy the rare occasion we have sex.

If I were not pregnant I would want to go out and find a random man to flirt with.

He is a great father, loving husband and shares all the housework and chores.

What do I do. I feel like he's turned our loving life, with the aim of hanging out on a park bench feeding the ducks when we're old and the kids have left to a sham marriage staying together for the sake of childcare and finances.

AIBU

Yes- true love is is bs
No - he's fucked it all up

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 28/02/2022 20:49

@Booboobibles

Much as I would hate this, I would give him another chance. If he was refusing sex with you and doing this then that would be very different but he isn’t and what he’s doing is relatively innocent. It isn’t cheating and it’s nowhere near as bad as an affair.

He sounds like a really decent man and you’d be daft to leave him over this. I’m really surprised by these comments….I think that once a thread goes a particular way, others are too scared to go against the majority. I don’t think you let your initial reaction be validated by this.

It sounds like he really loves you and being a single parent is really difficult.

Jesus Christ.
katieg03 · 28/02/2022 20:50

He wasn't being loving and supportive when he was doing the dirty! Would you encourage your daughter to stay with such a pig and lose all her self respect? Surely not!

TravellingFrom · 28/02/2022 20:53

He says he's just sad that we don't get much time alone. We don't have much family support. He says he was lonely but he's really upset about what he's done.

So his answer to nit having much time together as a couple is… to take time to go to chat rooms etc..
Not time to organise your life slightly differently, time to find a babysitter, time to make your couple a priority, time to ensure you are not knackered and feel like having sex.

Nope. None of that. That would be too logical. No his answer was to go and chat women instead ‘because porn isn’t ethical’ Hmm

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:53

Thank you Booboobibles it does feel like cheating to me. I'm very hurt. I can't let the sadness overwhelm me though. I obviously have things to do.

I know some people really stand up and do a great job at being single parents but I also know myself. At times I feel like I'll lose my patience with my little one and it's so great to be able to pass him to someone responsible who loves the little one just as much.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:56

I'm sure you feel really good about yourself Mydogmylife.

Mumsnet will see all my post pre name change from joining a pregnancy group recently to also my miscarriage posts from years ago.

OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 28/02/2022 20:56

My husband has given me full on unconditional love, support, mentally, financially, with breastfeeding, with being able to be a stay at home mum. He does respect women, I've never even heard him make any sort of joke at a woman's expense.

Sorry but no he doesn’t respect women. He didn’t respect YOU, of all the women he knows!!
He has been caring and supportive but he doesn’t respect you. Nor did he respect the woman he contacted to exchange photos for his own wanking folder.

wormshuffled · 28/02/2022 20:58

I am always amazed how these threads descend so quickly into ltb.

I wouldn't split up an otherwise happy home because of this, who can honestly say their imaginations don't take them to these kind of thoughts? OPs husband needs pictures instead of imagining... I honestly don't see the harm.

It would be different if this were a person that the husband was actually meeting though, or sharing prolonged message conversations.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:01

Thank you Dontbeme I agree this is my fear. I can absolutely see how it could escalate like this. I find it utterly repulsive.

No risk of be blaming myself though. I hope anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:03

Hertsgirl10 I feel like he's shat all over our marriage

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 28/02/2022 21:06

Your marriage is a sham.

Your husband is a cheating rat.

Get some self respect.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:12

Thank you wormshuffled but he's talking to the people behind the images. Talking about wanking I guess. It is pretty gross.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:14

You get some self respect 1FootInTheRave !!!

Don't take your shit out on me!

OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 28/02/2022 21:17

@wormshuffled do you know a lot if women who will be happy to talk to a man and send then pictures just so that they can become their wank folder?
Because I don’t.

Which tells me he hasn’t told them the whole truth either.

As for nit being able to use his imagination…
Wo talking about the fact it doesn’t require much imagination
He could have tried to organise things at home to have sex with HIS wife instead? Maybe a bit harder work though….

LightSpeeds · 28/02/2022 21:18

...he's really upset about what he's done.

He's really upset that he's been caught!

Another dirty bastard.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:21

I agree TravellingFrom but the chat site chatblink seems to be pretty full of men and women looking to wank with someone

OP posts:
Motnight · 28/02/2022 21:22

This thread is strange.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:22

He is a dirty bastard LightSpeeds

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:24

I feel quite a bit of hostility directed towards me on this tbh.

I haven't done anything wrong.

I'm sorry that I'm not emotional enough.

I'm world wary. It's made me steely.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 28/02/2022 21:25

@babyjellyfish

I really like him and enjoy the rare occasion we have sex.

Doesn't sound very much like you love or fancy him...

Exactly. The OP is having her second child with him, married him yet "really likes him". No mention of love or attraction.

But he also sounds odd. Too ethical for porn but not too ethical to wank over Snapchat. He sounds like a fool.

EmoIsntDead · 28/02/2022 21:28

@SadMum12345

TippledPink what about the kids???? I don't want to have to walk the dog myself on top of everything else.

Being a single mum sounds fucking hard work!!!

At least you'll have your self respect
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:33

HundredMilesAnHour it's hard to say I love him because he's been wanking with other women!

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:34

I respect myself EmoIsntDead

I've lost respect for him which I had a lot of

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 28/02/2022 21:35

@SadMum12345

TheVanguardSix

He actually does try to be ethical! Shame it doesn't extend to me! Such a dickhead!

He is an incredibly loving and supportive husband.

This would be so much easier if he was abusive or dickish or a bad father.

Ethical??

He uses other women's images to wank over?
Who is he imagining he is with while having sex with you?

He sounds very unethical indeed.
Do these women know their images are being wanked over?

If he can find a place to wank, surely the two of you could have sex?

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:35

I'm ashamed to say I did break his phone

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 28/02/2022 21:37

@LightSpeeds

...he's really upset about what he's done.

He's really upset that he's been caught!

Another dirty bastard.

Yes! He wasn't upset while lurking in the loo with his phone..Only when caught!