Wanker DH

[SadMum12345]

Hi!

So we have a small child plus just found out another on the way.

Yesterday when I was backing up our phone photos of our little one, step one in actually printing some I found a selfie of a woman.

On further investigation it has emerged that he uses chat sites and snap chat to help him wank. He has ethical issues with porn.

I feel very hurt. I would almost respect him more for having a full blown affair. While he has been doing this he has been going on about how much he loves our shared life together and how important I am to him.

I really like him and enjoy the rare occasion we have sex.

If I were not pregnant I would want to go out and find a random man to flirt with.

He is a great father, loving husband and shares all the housework and chores.

What do I do. I feel like he's turned our loving life, with the aim of hanging out on a park bench feeding the ducks when we're old and the kids have left to a sham marriage staying together for the sake of childcare and finances.

AIBU

Yes- true love is is bs
No - he's fucked it all up

@Pizzadreams

This has a very odd tone

My husbands cheating on me
I want to find another man to flirt with
Maybe I could leave in five or six year’s

I don’t want to walk the dog,

100% agree. All sounds really strange!

@SadMum12345

I can believe it would mess up a 13 year old but small children need easy access to both parents if both parents are loving don't you think?

No because she has lived in this all her life. Her parents both love her to bits but they really really strongly dislike each other and the atmosphere had screwed her up. Split up, two parents apart and happy is much better than two parents together and miserable especially if they are considering taking revenge on each other.

@AHA18112021

First holiday with a 4 month old to Greece. Am I doing the right thing taking him this early ! What do I take ? Do I buy a new pram just for holiday to go out and about as mine can be complicated to fold up! I need help and advise thank you all in advance xx

You need to start your own thread. This thread is for Sadmum12345

Oh OP, , I'll say in my mind, this is worse than porn. Because with porn you are watching videos of complete strangers. He is going that several steps further by actually communicating with the woman, talking sexually, and getting off. That's basically like an online relationship. He has absolutely no ethics because it's basically CHEATING. He is having an online sexual relationship with another woman. This is FAR,FAR, FAR WORSE than mere porn. He's a grub. And his protesting about porn was obviously that, protesting too much and lying to himself and you to convince you. 'I won't watch porn where people I've never spoke to are involved, but I'll get off sexually with a woman online and communicate sexually with her.'? No one who is ethically against porn would go those steps beyond and carry on an online sexual relationship. Porn is benign compared to that.

Only you know what you can tolerate. I admit I couldn't ever get past it. He has basically had an online affair. He has cheated, is what it is. And if he needed to fantasise about another woman to get off, instead of fantasising about you, when he is supposed to be in love with you, you will always wonder if/when he will do it again. He should have only needed his hand and you in his head. He cheated on you. Once he's tasted this excitement, I don't think he'll stop. He'll just get sneakier.

^^ This.

The irony of doing this while not using porn because of ethics ..... wtaf.

Also, do the women know he's married with a child; doubt it.

@Sexnotgender

He’s got moral issues with porn but not moral issues around disrespecting you clearly. Wanker.

Agree

OP I'm not sure why you say "he has ethical issues with porn" and the relevance of that to this situation tbh.

Would it make you feel better if he was watching porn and wanking behind your back instead of what he's doing?

Because I can assure you he'd still be a wanker - pun intended.

The more I read threads like this, and just come across men in general , it just reconfirms that they are absolutely vile.

@Quirkyme

The more I read threads like this, and just come across men in general , it just reconfirms that they are absolutely vile.

Yep, I totally agree. Ugh

Hi Foxglovers thanks for your post.

I feel totally stuck. I don't think I'll get through the first year without in house support.

I don't hate him, I don't think he hates me so I guess that's something.

Given I'm stuck for the pregnancy and the first year I suppose it's best I give him a chance.

Other than asking him to go to therapy I have no idea what else he can do. I do feel cheated on. I do feel disgusted and repulsed by him. I do think I could do better!!!

This isnt the behaviour of a 'loving husband'. Its disgusting.

Take your time to decide what to do. Sometimes people can work through awful things like this.

Ask MN to move this to relationships, you will get much kinder responses over there.

The fact he has ethical issues with porn but no ethical issues with contacting women directly for naked photos speaks volumes really. Porn addiction is bad but at least they aren’t directly contacting women which just seems way more seedy and sleazy.

You’re in a poor situation all round really. He could probably do with some therapy to move past his ‘habit’, perhaps a basic non smart phone for a while till he gets over it. Not sure I’d ever be able to trust him again though if he were my DH, that’s up to you.

@Pizzadreams

This has a very odd tone

My husbands cheating on me
I want to find another man to flirt with
Maybe I could leave in five or six year’s

I don’t want to walk the dog,

It has the tone of someone who's head is all over the place, as indeed it would be having just been hit with a bombshell like this. It has the tone of someone posting here for support.

Quit with the troll-hunting, it's very tedious. Report if you must and MN will investigate, but at worst you're destroying a lifeline for someone who might really need help. At worst, you're derailing the thread and boring everyone else.

whose*, before the grammar/autocorrect police kindly point it out.

Typical MN keyboard warriors - being a single parent of a small child and a baby is the answer!!. Really ?.

@SadMum12345

Hi Foxglovers thanks for your post.

I feel totally stuck. I don't think I'll get through the first year without in house support.

I don't hate him, I don't think he hates me so I guess that's something.

Given I'm stuck for the pregnancy and the first year I suppose it's best I give him a chance.

Other than asking him to go to therapy I have no idea what else he can do. I do feel cheated on. I do feel disgusted and repulsed by him. I do think I could do better!!!

Yes I would feel disgusted by him too. Like you say you don’t hate him - I guess just wish he hadn’t done this all for the sake of a wank?? Its gross. I’ve got a toddler and a young baby (getting closer to one but still in the first 12 months) pre pregnancy/kids I would just leave but right now I would just have to try and put up with it I suppose. I dunno people so forgive affairs etc…might now be what you’d have thought for yourself a few years ago but I suppose options are limited now and maybe with time, a new family member you’ll feel a bit more forgiving…or at least able to forget…I dunno, it’s so shit isn’t it. You wanted to be a family and thought you had chosen someone who would be a great dad and partner, not some sexist caveman creep. I guess everyone (?) has potential to do something disgusting. You’ll be in a better position mentally to think in 18 months time anyway? Just try and concentrate on what’s best for you, your child, and new baby. Right now that’s probably staying and seeing if you can move on (or at least try and ignore for a while) later on that might be a different answer? Ugh that’s probably what I would (reluctantly) do anyway? Sorry for the ramble anyway…I feel furious for you. Yeh other than therapy god knows what to suggest? Does he even think he needs it? Or was it just a couple of opportunities for a seedy internet wank?

@SadMum12345

Hi Foxglovers thanks for your post.

I feel totally stuck. I don't think I'll get through the first year without in house support.

I don't hate him, I don't think he hates me so I guess that's something.

Given I'm stuck for the pregnancy and the first year I suppose it's best I give him a chance.

Other than asking him to go to therapy I have no idea what else he can do. I do feel cheated on. I do feel disgusted and repulsed by him. I do think I could do better!!!

@SadMum12345 So you are going to stay with him? Where is your self respect? He cheated on you in one of the worst possible ways. Gather your self respect and either kick him out or you leave. It's that simple.

You 'like' him?

You'd retaliate by going out to flirt with a random bloke?

Think you've already made your mind up about your relationship.

There’s a lot of outrage from posters on this thread. Hopefully it is useful for validating your justifiable feelings. But it doesn’t help you work out where to go next.

From what I can see you are having the very typical problems that couples have when they have little time together with a small child. It sounds like you still fancy each other but have little time to focus on each other.

You are really hurting atm and you need to work out whether you can trust him again. That will take time to work out. You also have the original problem of lack of quality time together. I think you guys need to do a lot of talking going forward. If you don’t reconnect it may help with co parenting in the future.

FWIW your husband’s behaviour is very common but often goes undiscovered. That does not diminish your feelings or mean you need to forgive him. But I think it’s worth considering the wider perspective. These are common problems that plenty of couples get through successfully or just never find out about.

All the best whichever way it goes. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

@SadMum12345

Hi Foxglovers thanks for your post.

I feel totally stuck. I don't think I'll get through the first year without in house support.

I don't hate him, I don't think he hates me so I guess that's something.

Given I'm stuck for the pregnancy and the first year I suppose it's best I give him a chance.

Other than asking him to go to therapy I have no idea what else he can do. I do feel cheated on. I do feel disgusted and repulsed by him. I do think I could do better!!!

Your feelings of anger and disgust are completely understandable. You don't hate him, but you do despise him and find his actions pathetic, and frankly, that won't do him any harm at all.

You are clearly not in a position of wanting to rip the plaster off this particular wound. A small child to look after and a pregnancy, with the exhausting hard work that entails over the first year particularly, and it's no wonder you don't want to take the plunge on your own. To those mocking your worries about walking the dog, when even taking a shower can be like climbing Ben Nevis at this tiring point in your life, I find your concern understandable. It's just one other thing to be responsible for, when the whole of your time, attention and care are needed elsewhere.

I'd be like you: with no family support to me and a need to return to work after a year, I'd struggle enormously with this situation.

I don't think you need to make any major decisions about giving him a chance. You can keep that on ice for a while and focus your energies on your child, your pregnancy and yourself. Another year is a long time. Things might improve: if they don't, and the trust in your marriage has been irreparably damaged, you can reconsider your options then.

In your position I wouldn't be putting pressure on myself to do anything at the moment. As for finding him gross, good. He'll know it, and he deserves nothing else.

I think Foxglovers and MarieIVanArkleStinks have given you sound advice. I have a young baby
and a young child. DP has behaved terribly, but in a completely different way. I would massively struggle to go alone and totally get what you are saying. I think you need to tell DH how you feel and leave the ball in his court to try to make things right. I wouldn't end an otherwise happy relationship with a man who is a loving Dad without trying to see if things can be made right first. What he has done is 100% wrong but other posters are 100% deluded it they think their husbands/partners don't even fantasise about other women. Mens minds are completely different sexually to women's and I think we would all be utterly shocked at what passes through the best men's minds. Naive to think otherwise. Your DH has taken things much further but it might be solvable.

He meets women in chat rooms then exchanges pictures to pleasure himself with. He's a cheating little shit.
Not so easy to just end things though, I would discuss getting counselling to see if you can move past it together or not. Good luck either way.

@Huevosrotos

I think Foxglovers and MarieIVanArkleStinks have given you sound advice. I have a young baby and a young child. DP has behaved terribly, but in a completely different way. I would massively struggle to go alone and totally get what you are saying. I think you need to tell DH how you feel and leave the ball in his court to try to make things right. I wouldn't end an otherwise happy relationship with a man who is a loving Dad without trying to see if things can be made right first. What he has done is 100% wrong but other posters are 100% deluded it they think their husbands/partners don't even fantasise about other women. Mens minds are completely different sexually to women's and I think we would all be utterly shocked at what passes through the best men's minds. Naive to think otherwise. Your DH has taken things much further but it might be solvable.

@Huevosrotos Fantasising about a stranger or even a supermodel or perhaps Angelina Jolie is one thing; actually sexually engaging with another woman online, chatting and swapping pictures is entirely another. He has created an online sexual relationship with another woman. That's cheating, adultery. It's not the same fantasising about an actress or the hot stranger he saw on the train this morning.

I’ve been thinking about this more this morning and I can totally get why you say you would almost prefer an actual affair. I think I’d think the same?? Probably because you could “get it” a bit more and wouldn’t seem so seedy? But perhaps in the longer term this will be easier to forgive and/or forget??
Timing makes this so shit too. Maybe couples counselling to talk through and make sure there’s no built up resentment on your part? Don’t know how feasible that would be for you to make time for with a young child? But lots of therapy sessions might run online now?
I think there’s 2 options right now and you don’t want either. So maybe choose the one that makes life easier for you and the children for now. If it doesn’t get better and improve and you can’t forget it then when you aren’t pregnant/looking after a newborn you will hopefully feel a bit better about moving on if that’s what you decide to do? Or hopefully you guys can get through it and make it work?
Good luck with everything

Thank you Foxglovers , GabriellaMontez , SartresSoul , MarieIVanArkleStinks , Pyewhacket , vincettenoir, Huevosrotos , Chely , Migrainesbythedozen.

It's so nice to feel that you can all see some of what I'm thinking.

I've had a newborn, I know what it's like and my limits. I need the support especially with having the small child this time plus the dog, who doesn't deserve to be neglected!

I think I'm going to try to resist conforming to social pressure. I'm not gonna rush to any decisions. I'm just gonna hang out with my kid and try and bring another into the world in the healthiest way possible. I have an early scan tomorrow, he was supposed to go with me but I'm going to go on my own.

I haven't been able to speak to him since it all came out and our initial chat, I just can't look at him.

I will though, I'll say balls in his court to try and make it up in someway and that must include counseling. He may choose to leave but that's out of my control. I have lots to be happy about.

I 100% can't imagine only being with my child for 50% of the time, it would break my heart. I would try to avoid that as much as I can.