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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanker DH

124 replies

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 19:50

Hi!

So we have a small child plus just found out another on the way.

Yesterday when I was backing up our phone photos of our little one, step one in actually printing some I found a selfie of a woman.

On further investigation it has emerged that he uses chat sites and snap chat to help him wank. He has ethical issues with porn.

I feel very hurt. I would almost respect him more for having a full blown affair. While he has been doing this he has been going on about how much he loves our shared life together and how important I am to him.

I really like him and enjoy the rare occasion we have sex.

If I were not pregnant I would want to go out and find a random man to flirt with.

He is a great father, loving husband and shares all the housework and chores.

What do I do. I feel like he's turned our loving life, with the aim of hanging out on a park bench feeding the ducks when we're old and the kids have left to a sham marriage staying together for the sake of childcare and finances.

AIBU

Yes- true love is is bs
No - he's fucked it all up

OP posts:

TippledPink · 28/02/2022 20:25

Dump him, he will make excuses, try to convince you he won't do it again, but just hide it better next time. You can't trust him.

AppleJane · 28/02/2022 20:26

what about staying together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the happy child and me having a proper affair sometime later.

That's a quick place to get to in your thinking if you only found out yesterday. Aren't you angry? You sound a little... indifferent.

TheVanguardSix · 28/02/2022 20:27

And sorry OP... my harshness is so so so not directed at you. I feel protective towards you because I've been in your shoes! And it utterly destroyed my marriage in the end (among other things).
I sat there, with my nearly 12-year-old daughter in front of the family PC. Instagram was up, the conversation between my former husband and a woman was right there for us to see. And I had a flashback to carrying my two-week-old DD in my arms as I walked in on him and this 'habit' that would eventually rot us from the inside out. There was something bigger that drove our divorce, but his shelving me for wank fodder and all that came with it, the rejection, the humiliation, the betrayal, the darkness that it encouraged, was a proper nail bomb in our marriage.
It is a terrible habit and sadly, your DH is not just sticking a toe in the water. He's well in and he needs to pull way the fuck back and get therapy for this behaviour or it won't stop. This stuff tends not to be a passing bad habit.

NeverChange · 28/02/2022 20:27

He has ethical issues with porn,my backside!!! Sure Santa Claus is his da as well. I'm sorry but that's a load of crap!!!!

It's all porn really, the only difference is he can find the women on chat sites/snapchat in real life. The ones on porn sites tend to be further away.

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:27

TippledPink what about the kids???? I don't want to have to walk the dog myself on top of everything else.

Being a single mum sounds fucking hard work!!!

OP posts:

Cherryblossoms85 · 28/02/2022 20:28

Obviously bits not ideal but I'd certainly give him another chance.

Namenic · 28/02/2022 20:28

No - I would not consider him loving and supportive. I would consider him selfish and unfaithful. I’m so sorry - you’re in a tough position. Do you have any supportive family? I would consider giving him an ultimatum to move closer to my family - so I have support for the kids. Then maybe think about relationship counselling.

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:31

AppleJane I honestly don't know what I feel. I mostly feel trapped. I want to hit him tbh or at least shout and scream and swear at him but I have a small child in the house!

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 28/02/2022 20:32

Being a single mum sounds fucking hard work!!!

It's bloody emancipation by comparison to a sham marriage.
But you need to feel this before you know this. You're not there, OP. By all means, work on things. Absolutely. You have got to try before you walk away. And I hope things can work out. But he's the one who has to do the work here, you do know that right? This isn't on you to mother and nurture him through this. This is on him to prove to his whole family that he has integrity.

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:33

TheVanguardSix Maybe I should ask him to get therapy.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Sounds really awful. I hope you've found happiness now xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:34

NeverChange I'm sure you're prolly right on the being closer bit but he was talking to someone in the Philippines so...

OP posts:

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:35

Cherryblossoms85 what kind of chance? Sham marriage chance or a proper chance?

I'm sad, I was pretty happy in my life with him.

OP posts:

Pizzadreams · 28/02/2022 20:37

This has a very odd tone

My husbands cheating on me
I want to find another man to flirt with
Maybe I could leave in five or six year’s

I don’t want to walk the dog,

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:39

Namenic no, sadly my family aren't really supportive. Alcoholic father when I was growing up. Mum who prioritised him. Shouting, violence, walking on eggshells.

My husband has given me full on unconditional love, support, mentally, financially, with breastfeeding, with being able to be a stay at home mum. He does respect women, I've never even heard him make any sort of joke at a woman's expense.

OP posts:

Hertsgirl10 · 28/02/2022 20:40

Being a single mum isn’t hard work. Being with an untrustworthy perv is though, especially when you’re going to be Second guessing what he’s up to every time he’s on his phone.

Why is he even on chat rooms?

Sorry but the title made me laugh after I read the Post . . . Literal wanker in ever sense.

Why are you so scared of being a single mum? Because you don’t want to walk a dog?

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:42

Thank you TheVanguardSix

This is exactly how I'll put it to him.

I can't mother him too ffs! I wonder if he can do anything to bring back my love for him. I can't see.

OP posts:

Hertsgirl10 · 28/02/2022 20:43

And you soo do flirt with another man if you wasn’t pregnant?

I think you need some therapy honestly.

None of this sounds healthy and no one seems happy? You’re acting like he’s mr perfect now. You sound confused and Men aren’t there to be a convenient asset to you as long as you’re ok so he can do what he likes?

Pizzadreams · 28/02/2022 20:44

He does respect women

Aye cheating on you is very respectful

CatJumperTwat · 28/02/2022 20:44

I don't want to have to walk the dog myself on top of everything else.

Wow, talk about a drip feed. You should have put that in your OP; then nobody would say LTB.

You have to stay for the sake of not walking the dog.

77kidsandcounting · 28/02/2022 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Booboobibles · 28/02/2022 20:44

Much as I would hate this, I would give him another chance. If he was refusing sex with you and doing this then that would be very different but he isn’t and what he’s doing is relatively innocent. It isn’t cheating and it’s nowhere near as bad as an affair.

He sounds like a really decent man and you’d be daft to leave him over this. I’m really surprised by these comments….I think that once a thread goes a particular way, others are too scared to go against the majority. I don’t think you let your initial reaction be validated by this.

It sounds like he really loves you and being a single parent is really difficult.

Mydogmylife · 28/02/2022 20:45

@Pizzadreams

This has a very odd tone

My husbands cheating on me
I want to find another man to flirt with
Maybe I could leave in five or six year’s

I don’t want to walk the dog,

Agree - reported

Dontbeme · 28/02/2022 20:46

OP my (now) ex started on chat sites, then it went to web cams, then it went to prostitutes, then it went to an on-off four year affair with a co-worker. I unravelled all that info over about three years of discovery, it went kissed a co-worker on night out as so lonely (don't know why he was lonely I was the one at home alone every night when he worked nights).

I went to therapy as I was the issue apparently, after about a year of this, anti depressants, sleeping tablets, anti anxiety tablets, being blamed and looking at him moping to manipulate me I found a hidden phone and then life went the way of the Titanic.

When found out they all (I know NAMALT) minimise, they lie, they manipulate, they beg, they sob, they mostly cover their own arses. Think clearly here what would you do if their was no kids in the mix? If you answer stay, then stay and expect life to be a bit more awful from here on in, no trust and walking on eggshells. If you think leave, then investigate how to make that happen with them, they deserve a happy, secure home with a mother at peace, not one that is always wondering what's next. It's awful I'm so sorry he has done this to your family, and I'm sorry that unfairly you are the one that will have to work to put it right and cope with it.

Hertsgirl10 · 28/02/2022 20:46

@SadMum12345

Namenic no, sadly my family aren't really supportive. Alcoholic father when I was growing up. Mum who prioritised him. Shouting, violence, walking on eggshells.

@SadMum12345

He doesn’t respect women.

You hadn’t heard him wanking over many online babes before either but he does.

So I wouldn’t say you would know if he makes jokes at women’s expense but he’s making a joke out of your relationship.

Original poster

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 20:46

Pizzadreams

I'm sorry, I am a bit odd. I guess I think we'll I had proper love, fell in love, lived together, got married. Got through an awful miscarriage. If after all that this sort of thing can happen then what am I supposed to do. I feel like I did everything right. Never settled etc.

I didn't come from a happy home, I've worked bloody hard to build a happy life for my little one. I don't want it to come crashing down for them.

OP posts:

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