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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanker DH

124 replies

SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 19:50

Hi!

So we have a small child plus just found out another on the way.

Yesterday when I was backing up our phone photos of our little one, step one in actually printing some I found a selfie of a woman.

On further investigation it has emerged that he uses chat sites and snap chat to help him wank. He has ethical issues with porn.

I feel very hurt. I would almost respect him more for having a full blown affair. While he has been doing this he has been going on about how much he loves our shared life together and how important I am to him.

I really like him and enjoy the rare occasion we have sex.

If I were not pregnant I would want to go out and find a random man to flirt with.

He is a great father, loving husband and shares all the housework and chores.

What do I do. I feel like he's turned our loving life, with the aim of hanging out on a park bench feeding the ducks when we're old and the kids have left to a sham marriage staying together for the sake of childcare and finances.

AIBU

Yes- true love is is bs
No - he's fucked it all up

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:38

oakleaffy I've already said he meets women in a chatroom and then they move to Snapchat to wank. I went on the chat site. It seems to be standard procedure. Lots of married wanking men. Loads of women I don't know why they're on there. It was very sad really.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 28/02/2022 21:39

So would you feel the same way if he'd been using porn to wank? Is it the chat rooms making it more 'real'? Or would it be the same if it was porn?

Jestal · 28/02/2022 21:39

What exactly do you want from this thread op if you arent willing to leave someone this sleazy and disrespectful?

No one here can change him. Only you are in control of changing your circumstances for the better.

Where is your self worth

oakleaffy · 28/02/2022 21:42

@SadMum12345

I'm ashamed to say I did break his phone
GOOD!!!! Well done!
oakleaffy · 28/02/2022 21:45

@SadMum12345

oakleaffy I've already said he meets women in a chatroom and then they move to Snapchat to wank. I went on the chat site. It seems to be standard procedure. Lots of married wanking men. Loads of women I don't know why they're on there. It was very sad really.
Oh I see..

I do remember finding some porn mags belonging to my BF then DH under the mattress when innocently changing the sheets..Can you imagine what he said?

That the mags belonged to the last tenant and he was keeping them in case the bloke wanted them back.

Truly.

I laugh about it now, {we got divorced} but you are right..Divorce is really hard on DC, and being a single parent is really hard.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:46

HundredMilesAnHour I'm sad he hasn't made more of an effort to reconnect with me. If I'm honest I've been feeling lonely too. I've started to fantisise about other men.

Money is tighter than it has been, opportunity to be close is hard to find.

I'm so sad it has come to this.

I can't honestly put up with it. I haven't even been able to speak to him as I'm so repulsed.

He should have made an effort with me.

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 28/02/2022 21:47

Not sure if this is real or not.

And not understanding why a few women think it’s like just watching porn when he’s meeting real women in real chat rooms to get their personal Snapchat’s to speak to each other.

That might be cool in some of your marriages but it’s not for mine and if you’re willing to put up with a fella that’s perfect and amazing but just likes chatting up and wanking over other females regularly then I would say there’s other issues going on and he’s not so perfect or amazing at all.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:48

oakleaffy the lies people can tell are just shocking. I couldn't do it. I would just absolutely admit it if I had done something. I've always told DH when men have flirted with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:52

What can I do Hertsgirl10 ? I don't want this to be my marriage! I want it to be what is used to be.

Do you think asking him to go to therapy would help?

He's asked for us to spend more time alone together, going out for a drink or something without DC. I don't want to spend time with him right now. He's gross.

OP posts:
Rosebel · 28/02/2022 21:53

@SadMum12345

beansprout55 what about staying together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the happy child and me having a proper affair sometime later.

I should add I'm a stay at home mum and am currently financially relying on him though I could easily return to my former career where I was successful and appreciated. But won't be able to spend as much time with my child.

No no please don't stay if its a loveless marriage if its for the children. Just please don't. My 13 year old niece is completely messed up because her parents did this. If there is no love don't stay for the children or to take revenge just leave.
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 21:58

I can believe it would mess up a 13 year old but small children need easy access to both parents if both parents are loving don't you think?

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 28/02/2022 22:00

@SadMum12345

What can I do Hertsgirl10 ? I don't want this to be my marriage! I want it to be what is used to be.

Do you think asking him to go to therapy would help?

He's asked for us to spend more time alone together, going out for a drink or something without DC. I don't want to spend time with him right now. He's gross.

Of course therapy could help, you can’t sweep it under the rug. Yes people make mistakes but most people are only sorry when they get caught.

He needs to be honest and open with you first of all.

You need counselling as it sounds like you have some issues to get through (who doesn’t).

But honestly you know you’re worth better than this and if he’s willing to actually admit what he’s done and work through why he’s doing this then it will be worth saving.

What he can’t do is say he wants to spend time with you and that’s his excuse.

You must have spent time together you have a young kid and pregnant again so you’re not exactly in separate rooms leading separate life’s.

No one can tell you to leave but what we’re saying is, just because you see him as perfect in other ways doesn’t mean to ignore the not so perfect stuff oh and being a single parent isn’t horrendous.

Never feel like you’re stuck in a relationship cos you’ve got kids with someone. Life goes on with or with out him and you WILL always manage.

Hertsgirl10 · 28/02/2022 22:01

And take some time to think about all this and how you feel, don’t be pressured.

dworky · 28/02/2022 22:07

If only he was just a wanker!

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 22:12

Thanks @Hertsgirl10

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 22:16

If only! dworky!

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2022 22:31

This is made up isn't it. You can't store up an affair for later whilst living in a loveless marriage with a child who is miraculously happy in amongst the misery of his parents lives.

ArtemisFlop · 28/02/2022 22:36

OP, remember you can take the time you need to make a decision. It's a massive shock and disappointment and you're hurting. You may even be feeling a little disassociated/detached due to the shock of the situation. You're also very vulnerable because you're pregnant and financially dependent on him. If you're not sure what to do, that's understandable. FWIW I'd suggest slow things down, take your time, consider asking him for some space (e.g. staying with family for a few days) if you think that will help. Confide in someone you can trust, who will have your best interests at heart and talk over your feelings with them. This is a horrible situation to be in and you don't have to decide immediately what you're going to do/ when. Lots of PPs pointing out how unacceptable he's been and the impact of that on the relationship, which is massive. Allow yourself a little bit of time for it to sink in, take a deep breath before you react so that you can feel in charge of your decision and identify who is going to be your support network going forward.

Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 22:36

The child is happy at the moment.

I would be having an affair right now if I weren't preggers

I want to be 27 again. This is shit

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMum12345 · 28/02/2022 22:40

Thank you ArtemisFlop

OP posts:
Foxglovers · 28/02/2022 23:06

I’m so sorry OP this is so shit

AHA18112021 · 28/02/2022 23:12

First holiday with a 4 month old to Greece. Am I doing the right thing taking him this early ! What do I take ? Do I buy a new pram just for holiday to go out and about as mine can be complicated to fold up! I need help and advise thank you all in advance xx

Susu49 · 28/02/2022 23:14

Fundamentally, theres a huge gulf between where you each consider The Line when it comes to cheating.

He engages in phone sex with random women and thinks it's OK, while you're idea of revenge is to go out and flirt with another man...

Unless he agrees completely with your judgement of the situation (ie that he's cheated), then I think you're fundamentally incompatible with each other. You need to be on the same page to move beyond this.

I'm really sorry op, give yourself time to get your head around it, you don't need to make any snap decisions Flowers

Foxglovers · 28/02/2022 23:19

I wrote a long reply and it seemed to disappear…just in case it pops up twice…

Your life and situation (pre finding out about this) reminds me of me - who I (think) my partner is/my own family/young kids/SAHM etc etc (you also remind me of myself if your style of writing! So I’m not sure why other people have commented on what you’re saying is odd?!) anyway…
I was thinking what would I do in this situation. DH and I are a bit disconnected couple-wise lately I guess…young kids, new-ish baby, knackered etc…and sometimes in my head I think how well do we really know anyone…there’s this massive sleaze market that so many people are involved in but also no one thinks they know anyone who would?! But they must…anyway… I feel like a terrible feminist for my advice but my advice would be just hold on for a bit. Have the baby, get through the first 12 months with the new baby and re-assess the situation. You say he’s a great dad and co-parent and realistically you aren’t going to be able to do much else in the meantime with pregnancy new baby and your other child to look after. He needs to be in therapy and who knows what you’ll think in 18 mths time… you will have a clearer head at least and your going to need the help right now. Yes, of course you need your self respect but unfortunately that comes in various forms now and your situation is currently a really difficult one to just tell him where to go etc. just try and focus on your DC and new baby to come. Leaving would probably seem a lot easier to consider when new baby turns 1. You might have been able to sort things/forgive by then - if not then you will be in a far easier position to leave.
Good luck xx

betwixtlives · 28/02/2022 23:20

i would almost respect him more for having a full blown affair Hmm